Illusions, Tricks, and a Couple of Truths
Alex wasn't sure if she could pinpoint the string of events that made this scenario plausible, even appropriate, in her head. But there she was, naked beneath her partner's sheets with the skin of their arms and shoulders brushing against the others. One of her legs was outstretched and the other was bent at the knee, leaning into his hip, while his hand rested on her thigh and drew circles with his thumb. She couldn't help but find his restless energy amusing, even comforting because, for them, it gave a feeling of normalcy.
This was no where near where she thought she would've ended up when they left worked that night and headed to a diner in Bobby's Brooklyn neighborhood. She couldn't remember the last time he had even invited her out for a drink, let alone a sit down meal with the expectation of normal conversation. They had never been the type of partners who had a regular bar they went to after they wrapped cases or just had a particularly long day, but there were rare occasions when he would take her to that diner. The first invitation came after the Griscom case, to which she was surprised, but hesitantly agreed anyway. Since then after the really tough cases, or when neither felt ready to go back to their empty homes, that diner was where they ended up.
She realized early on that tonight's invitation was due to the later. This wasn't a particularly hard case with the exception of the still simmering tension between them, but even she had moments where she forgot all the things that had happened over the last couple of years. His utter playfulness and excitement was something she hadn't seen in a long time and there was something intoxicating and familiar about it.
She'd never know when his antics moved from quirky, even annoying, to normal, but she couldn't deny the role he had come to play in her life. She was supposed to be the stabilizing factor, the one that held him together, but, in his own way, he had become just as much an anchor for her as she was for him. She doubted he would ever realize that and she honestly didn't accept it easily herself, but no matter how much either tried to avoid it, they both realized that tonight was horribly unavoidable.
It would be easy to blame the sudden shift in their relationship on the beers they had with the greasy diner food, but neither were so far gone to claim that they didn't know what they were doing. That was part of the problem – they both knew exactly what they were doing.
It started with a kiss that neither expected and both would try to claim that the other initiated. She had been watching him from across the booth as he toyed with a quarter between his fingers, occasionally making it disappear and then re-appear.
"How do you do that?" she finally asked.
He quirked an eyebrow at her and smiled, that genuine smile that she had seen a lot over the last few days.
"I can show you."
"Willing to give away trade secrets?" she asked, hoping to keep the tension out of her voice but failing.
He shrugged.
"You're my partner…you know most of my 'trade secrets' anyway."
Alex glanced own at the table, lips pursed, and sighed. She wasn't oblivious. She had known he had been keeping something from her during his undercover job (maybe even before that…maybe even now), but she didn't think it was something that could have potentially gotten him killed.
"I'm not so sure about that," she said.
"Eames," he said.
He was quiet. She knew he was waiting for her to look up, to acknowledge him, but there was still enough spitefulness in her to make him wait, to make him squirm and worry the way she had when she hadn't gotten that second phone call from Tates or when she found herself pointing a gun at him.
"What?" she asked.
"I didn't," he said, but then huffed. "I didn't want to leave you out—"
"But you did…"
He nodded.
"I know. But…it wasn't to hurt you…"
"I know that, but you're supposed to trust me an—"
"I trust you. It was never about trusting you or not trusting you…"
She knew that too. She knew she had been dancing around what she really wanted to tell him for weeks now – that it wasn't the anger or the betrayal that shook her to her core, but the fear. It was the thought of losing such another big part of her life in a very familiar way, but she couldn't readily admit that without admitting other feelings as well. Alex spent more energy than she cared to admit on working to not feel. She didn't have the time to be a walking wound or wear her emotions on her sleeve. Bobby could get away with that and be called insightful and sensitive but for her it was a liability.
"Let's just drop it, okay?" she asked.
"Just like that?"
"It's done now. All we can do is just…move on."
She heard him huff and then looked up to see him staring down at the table, shifting the coin between his fingers. She knew that he didn't believe it was that simple and that she didn't really sound all that convincing, but she also knew he'd follow her lead. If she said it was dropped then he wouldn't bring it up again out of fear or some notion that if they avoided it, then eventually it would be fine (not that that had been working well for them so far).
"Look, do you still want to learn?" he asked, though it sounded more like an accusation than an invitation.
"It doesn't matter," she said. "Maybe I should just go home."
"Stay," he said.
She sighed.
"Why?"
"Because…because I need us to be okay."
"So do I, but teaching me some silly trick isn't going to make everything all better."
He retreated, looking hurt and insulted.
"It's not silly," he said, keeping his eyes on the table top.
"I didn't mean it like that."
"When I was a kid, magic…it was the only thing that ever really made sense."
It was so rare for him to let her in on anything meaningful and personal running through his head, particularly recently, that she couldn't help but soften a little.
"Bobby, I really didn't mean anything by that," she said.
He nodded.
"But it still can't fixed everything," she said.
"I know," he said. "But it's something, isn't it?"
She sighed and watched him as he looked up at her.
"I mean this case we seemed more…" he said, pausing for the right words.
"Like us," she said.
"Yeah."
Alex took a deep breath, thinking for the first time that maybe they really might be able to put everything back together again, even if it was just for the fact that she didn't see any other option. It's too late, she thought, too late to believe her life wasn't twined to his anyway. She wanted her partner back. She wanted the fidgety, playful, and hopeful guy back who wasn't buried under all of the circumstances that brought him to where he was now.
"Okay," she sighed. "Show me."
"No, you're right…it…"
"Bobby, just show me."
He looked up at her and she locked eyes with him, hoping to convey that she wanted some connection, any connection, to hold on to as much as he did. After a moment, he nodded and slipped from his side of the booth to hers, boxing her in between him and the wall. He tentatively looped his left arm around her back and then passed the quarter from his fingers to hers. He gave quiet instruction and kept his arms circled around her as he tried to show her exactly how to move her hands at just the right moment to perfect the illusion.
His closeness was disconcerting at first because of how intimate it felt. They weren't strangers to each other's personal space, but there was also a silent agreement to pull back whenever they got too close to stepping over the professional line. But then he was softly chuckling in between words as her fingers tripped and eventually after multiple tries with the quarter slipping from her fingers and clinking on the table top, she was laughing with him, deep and throaty.
Then on what had to have been the thirtieth try, she got it. She turned her face to his, smiling, not expecting his face to be so close to hers and it seemed so easy to close the distance, letting their lips meet. Neither was sure who started it, though she was certain he was the one who leaned in a little further than she did. Despite his fear of getting too close and of everything falling apart, he was the one more comfortable with breaking the rules and blurring the lines. She knew this and she would hold onto it because then maybe she wouldn't have to take too much responsibility for what was happening.
It was simple and tentative, with his bottom lip between hers and his palm spanning her neck and jaw. He surprised her by pulling back first, but didn't completely leave her space. She felt his thumb on her chin as he looked directly at her. She wanted to look away because of all the emotions and thoughts she could see passing along the pleading, questioning look in his eyes.
"Stay," he said again so only she could hear.
For a moment she was distracted by all of the things he was asking her in that one word, but then she kissed him again, nullifying any attempt to not be responsible for what was happening. It had just been so long since anyone had really looked at her or touched her in a way that made her feel soft, vulnerable, and all the other things she never wanted anyone to see in her, but things she secretly wanted to feel.
"Let's go," she said just as quietly.
He nodded and stepped out of the booth. She didn't have to say to where because she knew he understood.
They walked the couple of blocks to his apartment in silence. They didn't touch and neither tried to speak because they both knew they would ultimately start to rationalize and lose whatever this was happening between them. Even though that was probably the best thing to do, it wasn't what either of them wanted. Both were too in need of contact and comfort to listen to rationales.
He led the way into his building and then she watched as he casually unlocked the door. She entered first and listened as he closed the door behind them. She had been in his apartment in rare, brief moments, but this was new territory and the landscape was hard to see. Luckily, it seemed he knew it well, or at least was good at faking his way through.
He turned her around and bent down to kiss her, shuffling her backwards until her back ended up inches away from the opposite wall. His fingers lingered beneath the hem of her sweater, brushing her skin, while her mind wandered to just how crazy this whole situation was.
"This isn't very practical," she said in between kisses.
She felt a weak need to voice some protest if only to have it on the record for later when everything was sure to fall apart, but she knew it wouldn't sway him. She was counting on that.
"When have you ever seen me do anything practical?" he asked.
A small smirk flirted with the corner of his mouth and then she saw her old partner standing in front of her again as if he never had gone away – as if all the shit and pain of the last two years hadn't changed him. She smiled and then pulled his mouth back to hers. He hoisted her up by her thighs and then carried her to his bed.
XXXX
She smiled as she watched his thumb swipe back and forth against the sheets that clung to her inner thigh, but she really didn't know what she was smiling about. Her head was still foggy with sensations and the recent memories of skin, lips, weight, hardness, and tangled limbs overwhelming her.
She bent her arm at the elbow until her fingers brushed his shoulder. From the corner of her eye she caught him turning his neck to look at her and she glanced up to meet his gaze. Neither had spoken for the last ten minutes or so, but they both knew one of them had to break the silence eventually, despite how much neither of them wanted to.
"What are we doing here?" he asked.
"Right this second?"
He huffed out a laugh, but didn't really sound amused. She knew what he was actually asking, but honestly wasn't sure how to answer. This was a placed she had never planned on ending up and she didn't have any sort of contingency plan as to how to deal with it. She wasn't supposed to be here. She wasn't supposed to let herself feel this way.
"I mean what is this?" he asked, softly, void of anger. "Is this just a one shot deal? A 'get it out of my system' sort of thing? Or—"
"Is that how you feel?" she asked. "Like you've gotten it out of your system?"
"Well, no," he said. "Probably, more the opposite."
Alex nodded and glanced down at her hand resting on her stomach. She fingered a ripple in the sheets where they had cinched and took in a deep breath. She knew that when she didn't stop this before it started that there was no stopping it, but she also had no idea how either of them would come out afterwards. Maybe they could make it work and even come out stronger together. Maybe they had just ruined a partnership that was already hanging on by a very thin thread.
"Me too," she finally said.
She tried to hide the catch in her voice, but she knew he heard it when he shifted to his side and his palm cupped her hip, urging her onto her side to face him. She didn't want to feel this way about him or any other cop for that matter. Not again.
"You think it was a mistake?" he asked.
She trailed a finger down his sternum and then pulled it back to scrub her face with her palm, distracted, annoyed even, by how calmly he was discussing their current situation.
"I'm not sure what I think," she said. "You know, I'm not like this. I don't just sleep with people…and I can't just be some convenience—"
"That's not what I want. If I just wanted someone to have sex with I could find someone less…with less complications."
She sat up, gathering the sheets around her, and hugged her knees to her chest with one hand, while the other cradled her head. She needed some distance, because maybe then she would be able to be the rational one again. He slowly followed, but kept his body turned toward hers.
"Eames…Alex," he said. "I…"
He huffed, while the uncertainty, fear, and wanting rolled off his skin and filled the room.
"We're not ready for this," she said.
"Would we ever be? When has it ever been a good time for…this?" he asked. "Because this isn't new. We both know it…"
"Bobby," she said, her voice almost a warning if not for the slight plea in her tone.
"I'm tired…I'm tired of holding this wall up between us. And the longer we're together the more I care about you and the more I care about you the more distance there is between us…and I'm…I—"
"You weren't the only one holding it up," she said.
"Yeah. I know."
He palmed her upper arm and brushed the same thumb against her skin. She looked up at him, her chin still resting in her own palm.
"If it goes wrong then it all goes wrong," she said.
"And if it goes right?"
The look on his face – wishful and maybe a little desperate – filled her up as much as it broke her down.
"I don't know."
He smiled then, that warm, genuine smile that had always gotten to her.
"I think I like the not knowing better," he said.
She let out a soft snort.
"You hate not knowing. You always have to know everything. Hell, you do know everything," she said, trying to keep the bitterness out of her tone.
"I don't know everything," he said. "It's not about knowing...it's about making conclusions…approximations…with what facts I have."
She knew he was somewhat manipulating her, charming her into staying and not just for the night but for however long she'd be willing to. She could call him on it, using it as an excuse to get out of his apartment and set her pace for the requisite walk of shame, or she could indulge him. The truth was she wanted a reason to stay and believe that everything would be all right. She wanted to be comforted and safe and all those things she hadn't let herself feel in nearly a decade.
"So, what are you approximating right now?" she asked.
"Well," he said.
He took a breath and then trailed his fingers down her arm until his hand came to rest on her bent elbow. His thumb was still restless against her skin as she watched him collect his thoughts.
"That it's only a mistake if we want it to be," he said. "That we care about each other…that it could be more if we let it. It probably already is."
"But you don't know. You don't know how hard it can be…."
"Yes, I do. Maybe not in the same way, but I know," he said. He then sighed with an expression forming on his face that she knew well – that look of a thought just clicking in his head. "I…I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put you in that position."
He said it in that sincere voice that was quiet enough so maybe he wouldn't have to completely admit that he was wrong, but it was still the first time Alex felt he understood why she had been so angry with him.
"Do you really think it matters whether we're…together or not?" he asked. "We'll still feel what we feel. We'll still worry."
Alex stared down at her knees and felt her throat tighten. He bent his head down trying to catch her eyes with a faint smile crossing his lips. She huffed at the action, concealing a laugh, and tried not to smile.
"Knock it off," she said.
"What?" he asked, bending his neck further.
"That," she said. "I already know your tricks, remember?"
"I'm not trying to trick you."
She absently nodded in reply and then felt him gently tug on her arm. It was surprisingly easy to turn and fall against his side. His palm was warm against her back and his fingers curled and uncurled between her shoulder blades as he held her.
"It can't hurt to give this a try," he said. "I mean we've already seen how bad things can get between us and we're both still here."
She nodded, absently.
"But this is still different," she said. "Other things will come up."
"Yeah, I know," he said. "But we can figure them out as they come up, can't we?"
She looked up at him, knowing it wasn't that simple – that this would all take more work than he was really considering at the moment and that there was still a good chance of it all falling apart. But there were also a few maybes rolling in her head, where the outcomes weren't an utter disaster and she did her best to cling to them.
"We can try."