Post winter soldier Bucky doesn't want to be called Bucky anymore by anyone but Steve. He is not the same guy as before the winter soldier and he knows that better than anyone. He wants to be called James. Bucky is only for them who knew him before. black-eyed-bucky
His hands were aching from being dislocated by the target, no Steve Rogers, he said to himself. There was sharp pain in his head. Rogers had stated again and again that he was his friend. He called him by a name, Bucky. He did not know Bucky was. He did not know who he was, what his name was other than that he is asset. That is all they called him.
In the deepest of his heart he knew, he knew he can trust Rogers and that Rogers will not lie to him which means he has to be Bucky. He did not know where to look for Bucky. There must be somewhere he can know about Bucky and most importantly Steve Rogers. He knows he very well can't ask someone on the street about Steve Rogers. His mind is aching with all the racing thoughts and small flashes he has been getting.
He thinks they are his memories but he cannot be too sure because in some of these there is a very small blonde boy bleeding from the lip and a bruise in the jaw called Steve telling him he had them on the ropes. That could not have been Rogers because that boy would not weigh 120 pounds soaking wet. He needs information. Hydra was good for something at keeping him updated with technology, so to him not having a disadvantage during the mission.
Breaking into a computer store and getting a laptop was the easiest part, the hard part was the voice in his head telling him Rogers will be very disappointed in him if he was stealing. He made up his mind to drop some money in the store later. He might even pay the family from whom he stole the dress he was wearing and the money that was in the pocket. He was getting an odd feeling in his stomach and his stomach was starting to make noises. He did not understand what to do. His stomach never made any noise.
He was sitting in a bench and was looking at the name Steve Rogers and his search yielded what he wanted to know about Captain America and surprisingly there was a lot about Bucky Barnes as well. Apparently, his name was James Buchanan Barnes. He wondered why Rogers did not call him James. Bucky sounds like a name you will call a child. He decided Rogers must be an idiot but then again who else besides an idiot would stop fighting an assassin.
When his stomach decided to make that noise again, there was chuckle on his right and only by the hair's breadth of a second he stopped himself from pulling his knife out and stab that person in the eye. The person turned out to be an old lady, a very old lady with all white hair and small girl. She was smiling at him at said "Oh, you must be hungry." He didn't say anything and just turned away. He did not know what hungry is. He did not remember being hungry. His handlers always gave him something to drink before and after the mission. Is it because of hungry, he did not know.
He felt a pull on his pants and again in the last second he pulled himself away from stabbing the small, girl may be 6 years of age wearing her red hair on both the sides of her head. Suddenly he had a flash of a very similar girl with brown hair wearing her hair the same way. Becky he remembered. The girl was Rebecca Barnes, his sister. He had a sister, Becky and Bucky she used to sing. With another tug to his pant, he was drawn to the present and the little girl had something in her hand, something round and had something that looked very sticky in her hand and she was having her hand extended towards him with a smile.
Only then he understood that the little girl who made him remember his sister was offering him something because she thought he was hungry. He still didn't know what to do. His mission parameters have changed. He does not have to listen to Hydra handlers anymore. He is on his own. He was terrified but for the first time his mind is his own. The flashes are his own memory and if he has any say, and he does have a lot of say, no one is going to wipe it from him.
The smile from the girl was dropping and somehow by instinct he wanted to tell the little girl he is sorry. He slowly extended his flesh hand and took that sticky thing from her. The girl's smile was like sunshine again and her grandmother was watching them very closely, at least that woman had some sense in her. He watched the little girl skip back to her grandmother and started putting another sticky thing into her mouth and started opening and closing her mouth.
Eating he remembered. The little girl is eating and he slowly understood that when you are hungry you eat. He did exactly what the little girl did and finished his sticky treat so soon that he wanted another one. The girl looked at him and pointed her hand somewhere behind him and he turned and saw a store. He said thank you to the girl with a gruff unused voice and started walking towards the store. Only halfway to the store did he realize that saying thank you must have been what Bucky would have done.
He went back to the bench and the little girl was still there eating the sticky thing. The grandmother pulled the girl a little closer to him on seeing him approaching and he stopped at a distance. The girl was smiling at him again and he tried to copy her but he was sure it was a grimace and his face hurt. He cleared his throat again and told her "Thank you Maam, my name is James" and left the bench as if Hydra was chasing him.
He found an abandoned place to stay and more the days went by, the more he was getting flashes, memories his mind told him. Internet has suggested that the Smithsonian Exhibit was the best source of info for Captain America, so he made his visit there and saw that the small boy was indeed Rogers and somehow he was experimented on and became big. The museum showed him the one with his face was laughing with Rogers and it states that he was Rogers' best friend.
Once he came back, he finally came to terms to what happened to him. He was James Buchanan Barnes. Even stating that brought pressure to his chest and there was something wrong with his eyes and there were water coming from his and his throat was also hurting and some sound was coming from his mouth. He did not know what was happening. Later after months, Sam will tell him he was crying and he had cried for everything he had lost that day.
Hydra turned him into a killing machine. They made him kill people, they made him kill families, they made beat school children and train them to be killer. He had a vague recollection about a red girl with green eyes in the training room but he does not know if she was still alive. He knew with absolute confidence that the man Bucky Barnes, Rogers' friend would have never done any of the horrible things he did for Hydra. He knew he was not Bucky anymore, may be just maybe he can learn to be James.
James Barnes was going to make Hydra pay for what they did to him. James Barnes raided Hydra bases and destroyed them one at a time. Sometimes, he would glimpse at Rogers after he exited the base. When Rogers followed him to every base he destroyed, he would sit hidden and wait for Rogers to come. He remembered Rogers painting and he remembered sharing a bed with him because the cold was too severe for Rogers, Steve his mind corrected. Apparently, Steve did not change a lot from what his memories held of him. He was still the bull headed idiot who thought nothing of taking men 3 times his size and would tell him I had them on ropes except he is now searching for Bucky and following him everywhere.
Even when not working together, the worked like a team. He burned the Hydra bases and Steve made sure no head is going to replace that. Finally when he thought, he was done with Hydra he waited in the last base with his back to the wall and waited for Steve to catch up. Steve as predicted came swooping in with backup this time, Sam Wilson and the red head Natasha he remembered shooting. He held his arms and palms pointed outwards to show them he meant no harm.
Steve came charging towards him. Sam and Natasha were pulling him away but they were no match for Steve's strength. If Steve hits him, he will not stop Steve, he will not fight him and he would have deserved every single beating that was coming. When Steve was in the striking distance, he was pulled forward with a jerk and suddenly Steve was squeezing him. Is this a new punishment, he wondered but it did not hurt. Then Steve dropped his head to his shoulders and he realized Steve was hugging him.
The only word that came out of Steve's mouth were Bucky. All he said was Bucky, Bucky, and more Bucky. He pulled away easily and asked "Yeah I am Bucky punk, did you forget my name or something?" Steve laughed and that was the most wonderful sound James has heard. He thinks he might he okay with Steve calling him Bucky. He can be a Bucky to Steve. When Sam and Natasha introduced themselves, he asked them to call him James. That is who he is now. Only Steve knows him as Bucky, only Steve can ever see him as Bucky but he knows that after thing he has done, he can never be Bucky Barnes again but only for Steve will he ever be Bucky.