A/N: So this just kind of came to me while I was trying to convince myself not to write an OC insert to an Avengers fix (I really hate those) and this morphed into something crazy. So, basically all you need to know about this story is that my new head cannon is that Clint and Laura Barton are Aaron Cross and Marta Shearing from the Bourne Legacy (you can decide which actress you would rather be portrayed here) because that would just be an awesome origin story for Hawkeye. So spoilers for that and Age of Ultron.
They're not ok. They needed time to be ok after everything that had happened. Nightmares were bound to happen, expected even. It was unnatural to come out of that battle without scars. Physical and metaphorical, really, there were so many ways to be hurt and scarred that it was almost funny. In a sick and twisted sort of way that made them think that maybe, just maybe they were going to be alright. Not now, no way. But someday.
There were a lot of things to deal with first, of course. Steve still had to find ways to fit into the new age and not be overwhelmed (he figured it was still ok to miss the old days) and living in the Avengers Tower with Tony Stark and all his crazy futuristic inventions had certainly helped. Not to mention the whole fiasco with S.H.I.E.L.D. and HYDRA. And then there was Bucky…
That was a whole new mission into the impossible for him. Because if he couldn't help his old friend and he couldn't help him become what he once was or at least to heal from what they had turned him into, then what hope was there for him? They were both men out of time now and if one couldn't help the other, then who was going to help either? Who was going to help them get into the swing of things and teach them how to use new tech or what was proper in society now or how to react to something that had been hush hush back when they were growing up?
Who was going to help them continue living in this new world?
Sure, Steve had the Avengers and he had Sam and Nat, but Bucky had none of those and they both had somehow managed to wind up back in a sticky situation. However, neither one knew how to get out of this one. If they even could. Some wounds just didn't heal and could only be covered up and ignored until they worked themselves out. This seemed to be one of them and Steve really hoped that, when the time came, Bucky would be there. Because he needed the friendship and support as much as the Winter Soldier did and he didn't know if Nat was up to the challenge yet.
Because she was hurt to. She didn't let onto the fact (other than spacing out and staring at interesting walls) but Steve was her partner. Had been since long before the HYDRA/SHIELD mess and she was hurting. Whether she would admit it or not.
And not all of it had to do with the fact the Banner was gone. No, she got the message loud and clear and she knew when something wasn't going to work out. She had known, somewhere, that it would take far too much effort for their fragile hearts and bulletproof armor to allow. And they had tried. Not that much, but enough. Enough to hurt and enough to frighten away the beast. The Hulk. He was afraid. He didn't not like Banner: he was his protector. He kept him safe and Hulk knew that the Black Widow would hurt him. Hurt Bruce. Not intentionally. But with hesitation and the inability to explain herself and her motivations. So he had left.
And she got that. She understood the motivations that were behind their leaving, their hiding. Because, on some level, Banner had to know what was going on or he would have turned back to the pacifist when the Hulk had calmed down enough to know what button to press and shut the comms off. He had to know that Hulk was breaking off what could have been but never was and he had to really want that in order to continue running after the other guy went to sleep. He wanted to be gone, to hide out and never to come back to them… to her. And she got that. It hurt like hell, but she got it.
She just wasn't ok with it.
But she wasn't the only one. Tony was his friend first and he knew how to track that stupid quin-jet. He just didn't. He didn't because it's what Bruce wanted and he didn't because he respected his friend and- ok, he was terrified of getting the big guy killed. Really fucking difficult, but nobody said it was impossible. And Tony would be damned if he was the reason that came to be. If any of his friends died because of him.
Didn't stop him from looking for news reports or scanning airport terminals for a clue that he was coming back. Didn't stop him from dreaming about that vision the Witch (oh, no way was he ok with her living with him in his tower, but he had no say in that apparently- he just wouldn't tell Steve that was the reason for the Stark Industries funded Base of Operations) had showed him. It didn't stop him from missing being an Avenger when he saw the news and read the reports. It didn't stop him from itching to put on that stupid suit and dragging Banner's and the Hulk's ass back here with VERONICA's help.
It didn't stop him from missing his friend. Any of them.
All of them.
At least he had Pepper, who was surprisingly normal for having the Extremis virus still coursing through her veins (he did too, but wasn't going to tell anybody that) and was nothing short of an anchor and a holding platform for him to rest on. He knew he had to do it or fall. He had to let her know, he had to tell her everything or it would explode out of him with the virus and the bits and pieces of scar tissue the reactor and shrapnel had left behind. He didn't imagine that to be a pretty picture and would be damned if he left that on any of their consciousness. Because he wasn't quiet what everybody thought and he knew that the others were figuring that out. That some of them were guessing what was behind that Iron Man suit mask or that billionaire playboy mask that had started crumbling away years ago.
He knew that and he was happy with that. He wasn't ok with anything that they faced and he wasn't ok with the knowledge that he would loose any of his support system one day, but he understood it.
He just wasn't ok with it.
Nobody was ok with it, but only he had means of fixing that. Nobody pushed though, it was too hard to face the fact that they weren't the pillar of teamwork or the foundations of strong friendships. If they were willing to run away or if they were just going to turn tail and ignore what was going on in the world, what did that say about them? Not that anyone blamed Bruce or Hulk for running, they got it. They understood it. They just might had done the same thing if they were given the chance. Hell, Clint could do the same thing! He did do the same thing.
He ran away to be with his wife and soon to be three children. He left the troubles of the world to those who didn't need his help until they really, really fucking needed his help. That was something that made it so much easier and harder to run away. Which is what he believed he had done. He had never stopped. Not since he was Aaron Cross escaping Outcome with Marta Shearing (beautiful, blessed Marta who had become Laura for him. For him.) or since he was Kenneth Kitsome running from being a stupid, boy's home reject. He had never stopped and here he was, running again. It made him sick and happy. It was weird to be left alone unless he needed to be brought out again. It was weird not seeing Nat all the time and it was weird not teasing Stark or messing with Steve and Thor. It was weird. All of it and it was so damned easy it made him feel sick. But he was happy with his family and it was something he knew he deserved. Something his kids and his wife deserved after all the missions and the years being away. He need it; to be away from the Avengers and the world. He needed it.
But he wasn't ok with it.
He wasn't ok with leaving Nat and Steve on their own to train the new Avengers and he wasn't ok with leaving Tony alone in his lab with a new A.I. that was not JARVIS or without Bruce to pull him out and throw him in bed because he was exhausted and Pepper was too forgiving of his traits. They were what made him Tony and she was used to it. Not that she was ok with it because, really, who was ok with your live in boyfriend staying up all night to tinker in a lab instead of trying to sleep in the same bed as you? Hell, just lying there reading would be better than not being there.
But she was used to it. Had been for years. But she wasn't ok with it.
Except that she knew what it was like to have those nightmares that kept you awake and the fear that pulled at your muscles and pressed down into your core and around your heart until there was no room to beat or breath any longer. There was something profoundly humbling about knowing exactly what it was that kept your significant other away from your bed and away from what a normal person should be doing because that wasn't them and there was no way that was going to change so easily. She was able to help him better. Help him work through the nightmares because he helped her with her own and she would never not return the favor. Even before Extremis she had tried. It was hard when his suits attacked her, but she tried. And she knew it helped. Even if it was just a little bit.
But neither were ok with it. Neither were happy to have these dreams force them apart and now together. It was better to be together, but it was still hard.
Nowhere near as hard as it could be, they were both sure. At least they had each other, but people like Steve and Bruce and Natasha had nobody and that was not ok. It was not fair and it was not right. They each deserved someone. Just like Tony and Pepper did; like Thor and Jane did.
Even if the god very rarely got to see the astrophysicist. They were always so busy doing other things and seeing other people that it was too difficult to get a moment of peace. Even if Tony had hired the poor girl on, she was still running around the world and researching whatever it was the the other scientists of her community wanted her to look at. Not that he had it any easier as he searched for Loki's scepter and later worked to defeat Ultron. They hardly had any time for each other now. But they got it- they understood it. They were needed elsewhere and even though Jane was mortal and Thor would live eons after her death, they still had some time together. They just had to finish other tasks first. Not that they were ok with that. They were never ok with that because it wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair that they couldn't be together and that she was one of the few remaining people that he had left. It wasn't fair that he had lost his mother and his brother (although he hadn't really, but the God of Thunder wasn't supposed to know that, thank you very much, Puny Mortal) or that he had so many responsibilities upon Asgard that he could hardly spare the time on Midgard just to aid the Avengers, let alone share simple time to 'hang out' with his beloved- Shh! Don't tell her that: you'll freak her out! But they understood. They had to get used to it. They would change it eventually and they would get it right one of these days, and until that happened, they were happy enough.
But they were never ok. Not yet.
Not when they were so far apart. Even though they weren't the only ones. There were people who had died and who had left them. Bruce had been one of them, but so had Pietro. The speedy wonder who had been a real pain in the ass but was just as much of an Avenger as any of them. He had honor and courage and he deserved more than the coma state he would be in for who knew how long. He didn't deserve to be separated from his sister, just like she didn't deserve to watch him breath through a machine because his body was forever too weak to do it on its own. It wasn't fair to know that even if she wanted to pull the plug and let him go, she didn't have the courage- what if he was still alive and able to wake up? It wasn't ok that she couldn't let him go, but they all understood. They knew that she had felt the horrible pain with him. They understood what it was like to have your heart ripped out of your chest in such a way that there was a question as to if it was actually still in your chest. Truly, legitimately inside your fucking body and pumping blood through your veins and not lying on the floor beneath fate's cruel boot. They got it and they all knew it was just a matter of time before she managed to let him go or he managed to wake up. And it was understood that those were the only two options there could be. They knew that; they understood that.
They fucking got it.
It wasn't ok to continue hurting herself like that, but no one told her that. Not yet anyway, no way. She would get it and she would do it. She wouldn't be ok with it- none of them would. But she would do it.
She would do it because she would have to and it was better than knowing he might be suffering like that. It would be better letting him live on in memory and not as a sleeping corpse. Vision knew that; he understood that. He might tell her one day or ask her until she figured it out for herself. He wasn't ok with what she was doing to herself, but there was no way to regenerate the function of his brain like they had been able to regrow the muscle and sinew and skin and bone that had been broken and torn and shattered by bullets.
They wouldn't be able to regrown him a new body. Only Vision would be grown.
He understood the process to that; he understood the idea and the science and the reason behind it. He just wasn't ok with it. It was easier to know that he was allowed to keep the Mind Stone that gave him the ability to breath and to think, just as it was made easier to know that he had been accepted into the Avengers alongside Colonel Rhodes, Sam Wilson and Wanda Maximoff (Pietro too, if he would ever just wake up) but he was still unable to adjust. It was still difficult knowing what he did about life and humans and how they were doomed and knowing he could do nothing to stop it. It was difficult to know that he was made and not born. Was he still a human if he had vibranium coating every molecule of his being? Did he still have soul if he hadn't been born from a womb and raised from infancy? Was he still an Avenger if he knew that he was fighting a lost cause?
All these questions and more plagued him and he never thought to ask anyone of them. Because he understood no one had those answers. He got that he just had to live with it.
That didn't mean he was ok with it.
None of them were ok. They had seen too much and they had suffered more than their fair share, but they got it. They understood it. It was something they couldn't change and it was something that would not heal fast or easy.
They were not ok, but that was fine. They were working on it; they just needed some time.
They were not OK.
But they would be.
A/N: Just for reference's sake, anything that I write is totally raw and I post it after a few read throughs for spelling and grammatical mistakes to see how people like it. If it sucks, just tell me so I know where I need to work on. Cause this is literally straight from brain to fingers to the net. So let me know, please?