No longer alone

(Loosely based on several fan comics)

'Sign language'

"Thoughts or memories, Frisk"

"Thoughts or memories, Chara"

I stood on the balcony of Sans' and Papyrus' house in Snowdin, I had been forced to climb up the paneling of the house to actually find a way to get there, but the view was well worth it. It was a place I could sit and go over everything in my head, a place I could just be left alone. Unfortunately it was also a place where I remembered what they told me, a place where the silence gave way to the memories of my past resets.

The cold had always bothered me, the numb feeling it gave me...was all too familiar, as if the world had decided to give me a horrific and endless reminder of my past sins. I remember hearing Sans' voice when I managed to hold them back long enough to tell him to kill me. He told me he was sorry that Chara had done this to me, that it wasn't my fault. But it was me all along...I was too weak. I could feel tears threatening to spill, clouding my vision as I sat on the veranda. I pull the long sleeves of my over-sized sweater over my hands as I ball them into fists. I couldn't stop shaking, but it wasn't due to the cold. It was because of fear. Not fear of Chara, but fear of my own self. You should fear yourself, you're a monster. I stiffened at Chara's voice protruding through my thoughts. They had decided to remind me, once again, of my sins.

Voices of my friends started to echo through my head; "You really hate me that much?" Toriel. "I should have killed you..." Alphys. "Creatures like us wouldn't hesitate to kill each other if we got in each others' way." Flowey. "Please don't kill me…" Asriel. "What kind of monster are you…?" Asgore. "You hurt a lot of people." Monster Kid. "You are a hyper-violent murderer." Muffet. "You're not just a threat to monsters...but humanity as well" Mettaton. "You're the worst person I've ever met!" The dummy ghost. "You're standing between everyone's' hopes and dreams!" Undyne. "I can't be your friend!" Papyrus. "you dirty brother killer." Sans. "We will eradicate the enemy and become strong." Chara…

I shook my head, trying to banish the cruel onslaught of memories brought on by Chara. It was almost like a direct attack on my sanity… My gaze turned downcast as guilt rippled through my heart. My eyes were met with the roof of the shed. A past experience came to mind, when Papyrus locked me in that shed, even though it was locked from the inside. I remembered the note he gave me each time I was beaten. Each time I had to ignore the massive temptation of simply running and hiding. Each time I felt fear in my heart, despite my conscious telling me I would be fine, my insecurity and Chara told me otherwise. It was cold. I remembered another reason I hated the cold, Home. My parents, if you could call them that, would leave me in that old garden shed. Old tools prodding at my backside, the musty, hard floor, the wind that ripped through the walls, and the cold. It was chilling. Hours I would spend, nothing but an empty dog dish for company. We didn't even own a dog. When I came out I was frostbitten, tired, and terrified. Too terrified to do anything, to try anything, to take risks, to even speak.

Homesick, I had told Toriel. That was the reason I wanted to go back, the reason I cried so much, the reason I didn't want to stay, to get close. I didn't think they would find me and make me life a living hell for running, I knew they would. My parents, the people that gave up their old lives and can hack into anything, much less a security camera they wanted. My parents, the people that keep an emergency fund to bribe people to look the other way if they notice how they treat me. My parents, who payed hundreds of dollars to keep me around as a cover for their job, as added padding to their act, and use me to take out their anger on. I wasn't afraid of never going home. I was afraid that I would. But I couldn't live with myself if I left the Monsters to suffer underground. I can't get close or else I'll never be able to let them go. "You may as well enjoy this freedom while it lasts, after all, once you get back, you know what will happen don't you?" I do. I know that I will suffer when I get back. I know that I will try to hide my pain and succeed because I'm too good at lying for my own good. I know I'll be forced to act like a pampered little princess who isn't hiding enough scars, bruises, and pain, oh so much pain, to make her have to hold back a wince with every motion. I'll have to wear their dresses, their ribbons, their make-up, their everything. It won't be me. It will be a girl; one I never was.

It won't be all bad, but the overflow of activities does get overwhelming at times. Ballet, violin, flute, harp, dancing. The list goes on. I was home-schooled so there wasn't a problem with time, if anything, it made me happy I was never sitting idly by. I never got bored, I never had to think too hard about my life, I never had to do much of anything, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get rid of the loneliness that constantly filled my heart. No matter how hard I wished, I never could feel happy, especially when I remembered my real parents, whom I watched die after falling off a balcony. Ironic that I find comfort in it now…

I'm a terrible person, for hating myself because of verbal abuse. I'm an awful person, for hating my life due to physical abuse and tragedy. I'm a horrible person, for wanting to run from wealth that only reminds me of how hollow everything is beneath the surface. I'm a stupid person, for not talking when I was beaten every time I dare make a sound.

I'm a bad child for not being perfect, for letting the emotionless mask I built for myself leak when I can't keep myself together anymore…

I'm a selfish child, for wanting to be happy…for wanting to be me and not L-her...

Maybe I should be happy I remember what I've done, learn from my mistakes. But the selfish part of me wants to forget, for my own sake. I want to stop being guilty for what Char- I did. But it was my own action, my own sins, so I guess this is my punishment. Endless trips down memory lane, when all my selfish self really want is to forget. I wanted to forget what I've done, what I could do, what I may do, if I'm not careful enough. "Don't you ever speak to me again you little shit!" My 'new mother' had said that to me after I introduced myself. "I don't care what the teacher showed you, stop doing that shit with your hands" My father had said when I had started using sign language, by that point we had just come from the doctor's office; said doctor had just told me I would have extreme problems with speaking due to vocal strains when I was younger. All my screaming had caused that. Screaming in pain, screaming in fear, screaming in agony. It was frigid. In that moment I just wanted it all to stop. The shed. The surface. My parents. My sins. My cowardice. My fear. Tears finally spill from my eyes as the weight of everything I wish I wasn't, I wish I could be comes crashing down upon me, and it hurts, so much.

It's freezing. I'm not sure how long it's been, at least an hour by my estimate, which was gained by the aches in my legs, the state of my still clenched fists, and the shaking as all the time in the cold caught up to me at once when I returned to reality. It was stinging. "Sans please, I can't hold her for long!" It was biting. "I'm so sorry, please forgive me for what I've done!" It was cutting.

"Who are you, why are you in my head? "I'm Chara, and I'm your friend" "But what do you want?" "Only to borrow your body, Frisk" "But why do you need it, how do you know me, and why me?" "You're special Frisk, the truth is I'm dead and I just want to be able to say goodbye when I never could before..." "Alright..." It was burning. "Chara? Chara what are you doing? Stop it! You're hurting them!" "Of course I am, they are foolish and our enemies!" "Chara! Chara, give me back my body, I didn't let you use it so you could kill!" "...Who said you were the one in control?" It was scathing. "NO! Chara! Chara...please...please stop…! I don't want this! Please…" It was numbing. "Chara...why? What about saying goodbye? Please...just tell me why you're doing this?" "Power, the power to finally destroy everything!" "But why?" "You asked me why I chose you...we're alike, the human's used me to store all sin. I was chosen and abused until I became the demon everyone feared. So that I stored all the sins of the world and everyone else was free of it." I could feel myself fading away, drowning in the darkness of my own mind as my control completely slipped, as I slowly fell into nothingness and unconsciousness, "...you're not a demon" "What?! Yes I am!"

"no..."

"you're just a kid"

Chara starts crying in front of me, I hug them tightly, and as I hear their frantically whispered apologies turn to yells, I forgive them, because Chara and I are alike. We both blame only ourselves for the actions we made that were inspired by the cruelty of another.

Chara wasn't reminding me of my sins when they made me remember. They were feeling guilty again and projecting it onto me due to our body-sharing (we take shifts now), those were their thoughts of them-self, wow, we're more alike than ever. Now she feels bad and I feel it too… "Are you okay?" "..." "It's going to be alright you know? Everything is okay now." "Are you...m-mad at m-me?" They somehow are still able to stutter, even in our own mind, with their transparent spirit sitting down on the railing in front of me. I hug them. They cling desperately to my form and I do the same. "Never, I've never been mad, just sad...but it was more of sadness for you" They smile a timid smile at me and I giggle at the awkwardness of it. "At least when I go home," I think to myself, "I won't be alone" Even if thinking that way is selfish, and if making someone else face my punishment was selfish sometimes I just allow myself to be selfish. "It's okay," she must have heard my quiet thoughts, "You're selfish like I'm forgiving" "So I am selfish?" They pout. "Come on give yourself more credit, you're really trying!" "I guess..." I felt frozen. "We should go." "Agreed."

I quickly make my way down and jump onto the roof of the shed. I slide my way down the wood, slipping a few times due to the numbness in my body. Chara asks me if I'm okay several times and I patiently reassure her each time. "hey kid, you a popsicle yet?" I flinched at Sans' voice. "what are you doing all the way back in the underground?" I shrugged and signed to him, 'I'm cold' "obviously kiddo, but if you don't tell me a good reason for why you left, you're boned" I stiffen as a flashback overtakes my vision, "buddy, you'd be dead where you stand," and another, "You know better than anyone that nothing will change, don't you Frisk?" It's Chara's voice, when I reset after losing to Sans when they wanted me to keep going...I never did finish destroying everything, I know that. "He threatened you, if Mo- Toriel hadn't told him not too...he wouldn't have given you a chance whether you were a murderer or the purest soul in the universe, don't you see Frisk, they'll only end up betraying you the moment you step out of line...let's get rid of them…" Chara when she finally convinced me to go along with her plans, "Frisk, it'll just be the two of us from now on, partners from now until the end of them?" "Partners, from now until the end, of everything." I didn't blame them, only myself, they always told me I was their light, the innocence of the pair, while she was the darkness but in the end we were both innocent children, driven to madness by the darkness that constantly chased us, seeking to corrupt our once pure souls. Eventually we both got so...tired of resisting we gave up and tried to become stronger, so we could feel nothing. In the end that only made it worse, made us fall even farther and there was no one left to pull as back up at the point; the point of no return.

Sans waved his skeletal hand in front of my face and I snapped out of the vision. 'Sorry' was all I could think of, I couldn't tell him about my other half, they would mistrust me, hate me, kill me. I couldn't be left alone in the dark again, I'm not sure if Chara would have the strength to save me, nor I them. "kid, i know somethings going on, you can tell me..." Could I? Could I trust Sans of all people? 'I don't know who to trust with this...Sans, would you really have killed me if you hadn't promised Toriel not to?' He flinched and then appeared to be at a loss of what to say. "of course not kid, after all, i did read that book of yours" I nodded, I remembered him taking it, I didn't want him to think of the book now though, it would only make Chara seem more evil to him… I didn't want anyone else hating my Chara, wait why did I say "my." Oh well, in any case a book of a desperate child's scribbles stating things like "help me, stop it, please don't hurt me, etc." in fast and messy writing would help right now. I never could accept the fact that he forgave me for my own actions, I just didn't understand other peoples' forgiveness I guess, since during this whole journey I had always had to be the one forgiving people…when they never even said sorry to me…

I still remember how I had let Undyne kill me...how I told her I was sorry for living when I had jumped down this hole desperate for death and yet selfishly tried to hold onto the happiest time I'd ever had in my life; even if everyone hated me or wanted to kill me. I was used to it. I still remember how I had come back to life, confused and dazed. How it had been Sans that had gotten Papyrus to stop her the second time around. I still remember MK- Monster Kid's (I don't deserve to call him that, I'm a terrible friend…) crying face as I lay on the ground with a spear embedded in my stomach, the first time it had hit me right in the heart, I didn't cry out, but I wasn't okay, I was just suffering silently… When I came to I was in a lot of pain still, I was lying in my bed in the Ruins. I, once again, felt an unwelcome feeling, cold. I shivered as the washcloth on my face was replaced and wondered why all this had happened to me. Me specifically that is… Undyne didn't say she was sorry, she left to 'get help' while Monster Kid dragged me back to Snowdin, and he didn't even have the arms to do it...I knew she just didn't want to help me and hoped I bleed out before he got me there. Having no medical knowledge whatsoever, Sans had taken me to the door of the ruins hoping Toriel could help, she had mentioned to him she had some knowledge when it came to treating wounds and her little knowledge was still better than his none.

I remember hearing a voice call out to me, they said they'd help me, and be there for me, and make it better for me. I was so happy that I cried a little. That was Chara's voice. They had been the only one to reassure me, the only one to really care… Chara once told me they had only done it to keep their host body safe but after I forgave them and they became who they are today they told me they really were worried and really did care. Ironic to most, Demon Chara being the only one who cared about me but not to me. Chara was my light as much as I was their's. Chara had been the only one to apologize to me, the only one that really cared about how I felt, the only one that considered me...in return I trust them with my life and do the same for them.

'Sans,' I quickly signed to him, filled with determination from my happier memories, 'Promise me you won't hate us' I told myself, and Chara, it would be okay, it just had to be okay, we couldn't be alone again. He looked confused by my use of "us." 'Sans, Chara and I...are body-mates now' I felt the forces of gravity come down on me in a sudden and harsh motion. I landed on my hands and felt an intense amount of pressure crushing my fingers in the wrong positions. An equally intense amount of pain soon filled my whole arm, my landing must have messed in up pretty badly but I don't think Sans really notices right now. I meet his gaze with a scowl on my face, an overflow of flashbacks and harsh memories come crashing into me as I look upon his single, glowing blue eye. "L-let me talk to him," Chara urges me in a timid and scared voice, "But-" "Frisk I have to face my mistakes, I have to do this" I turned my gaze towards their ghostly apparition and sent them a small smile. They quickly send one back and swiftly replace it with a look of bravery, a look of determination. Their ghost fills my body and I feel our souls and ghostly images briefly touch as we switch places. "Sans," they start making him immediately stiffen, a look of shock upon his face, "what did you do to Frisk?" "More like what did YOU do Sans?" "Chara..." I warn, they ignore me, and merely look up at Sans with a teary but angered face, "How could you...you hurt my Fris- friend!" Their previously timid voice turns to a yell as they continue on, "They thought they could trust you, confide in you and you break their arm?! FRISK CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU NOW BECAUSE YOU HURT THEM IN...IN...so many ways" Their bold voice dies down as they break down, allowing both themselves and me to let everything out as we sit up and kneel in the snow, she looks up, tears spilling down from her face, "We're more alike than you though I guess...we're both to blame for how they are now..."

Our blue shorts don't even go past our knees, our brown boots barely go past our ankles, our black socks don't cover anything extra, and our blue and purple striped sweater isn't near puffy enough to block out the intense cold leaving us in a freezing state where neither of us is thinking straight enough to even consider future consequences. At this point we just take the top off the bottle of carefully secured emotions. Instead of briefly leaving it off and then screwing it back on, as we usually do, we basically throw the cap as far away as possible and let the bottle explode into a fierce tornado that completely tears the bottle apart, leaving only sharp shards of glass that scatter and cut all that came to close. "My precious Frisk...how could you Sans? They are my light as I am their's. They are my everything now...all I have" Chara is now pouring her heart and soul into every word they say as Sans looks in with an, almost, amusing expression on his face. Pure befuddlement at Chara's show of emotions as well as regret that they hurt me. "Sans...you saw the book, didn't you?" He nods with a suspicious and furious look on his face, though it's clear he's still shocked, "Then you know, why Frisk came to the underground, why I came to the underground, what Frisk's parents did to them, what I did to them…why they don't speak, you know all those things, don't you?" "that was from before the underground?" "Yes, all but the first last pages that I wrote on to remember my past" "..." I briefly take control to show Sans it's true with my signs, though they are slow, sluggish, and full of pain as I do. I quickly give Chara back the reins of our body "Sans...I know I hurt them, I know I hurt you but...you know why I did it now and you know why I'm never going to do it again!" He's completely frozen, "My Chara," I say with endearment. They put their hand to our heart, "My Frisk," they say back, out loud. "Now, let's go get Frisk some help, we'll just say they fell but I should tell you, I'm not going to go away so find some way to explain this to them, feel free to kill me if you find me suspicious, you know what will happen...we'll just begin this song and dance all over again." This seems to calm him a bit. He still looks hesitant and angry but doesn't argue for my sake. Though I know, as Chara takes our body back to the surface, that this conversation is far from being over and that I will be under brutal interrogation once my hand has healed. But for the first time in our lives. Chara and I aren't afraid we'll be alone anymore. I know, after seeing that, we both have the strength to go on if it ends up being just us. But that's later, this is now and in this now, Chara and I have the patience, the bravery, the integrity, the perseverance, the kindness, the justice, and the determination to keep on living together as friends, together as partners, together as innocence, together as light, together as something that's maybe a bit more than friends. Together, as one.

TO BE CONTINUED?