Last Resort
I pulled out of my apartment complex and was ready to face the music and just hoped that I hadn't ruined everything that we had worked for. We had been seeing one another for 1 year 5 months 16 days and none of our friends knew. We wanted to keep it a secret a bit longer but I had to go and open my mouth like I do every time we have a spat about this. I pulled up to the house and found myself scared to go into the house that I loved to visit. I grabbed dinner and walked up the walk way and into the house that I have entered many times over the last ten years. And as always I found it quite and warm. The one person who I knew probably didn't want to see me or even talk to me but I had to air out everything that he heard. I hadn't even realized that he was just outside the door as I talked to Abby about what was bothering me.
"Come on Tony what is bothering you lately you have been down no one else may see it but I do." Abby said
"Nothing Abs I am fine really." I said
"No you're not I can see it in your eyes. It's women trouble huh?" Abby asked
"No for once in my life it's not that. Look I have been seeing someone and well it's been great we've been together 1 year 5 months and 16 days. I know and I haven't told you. We just wanted to keep it privet. But I am starting to feel like everything's falling apart. I mean I know we'll never get married or have kids and I except that, all I want is…well anyway feel like I am losing my heart and just waiting on it to get broken." I said
"Tony whoever you are with if it's man or women I don't care as long as you are happy. But I can see you are not. If it is a man you two can get married just ask him and as for the kid there are ways. Now if it's a woman she wrong for you then not to give you what you want." Abby said
"I know but Abs, we've had the conversation and he won't marry again and as for having kids no matter the option it will never happen." I said
"Aww Tony I am sorry, you know I am here for you." Abby said as she hugged me and held me as I let a few tears fall.
"I know thanks." I said
"No problem. Whenever you need me just give me a call." Abby said
"OK, Got to go Abs before Gibbs comes looking for me." Tony said as he felt a head slap.
"Too late, now back to work." Gibbs said as I left the room and headed to the steps.
I saw the fire going in the fire place as I remembered the first time we had made love in front of it, it was one of the coldest nights last winter and the electric and heat were out but the two of us kept one another plenty warm. I stepped toward the kitchen and placed my keys and phone next to his as I walked into the kitchen and seen there was already two beer bottles and an empty bottle of bourbon on the counter I knew he was already well on his way to being drunk. I sat the food on the counter and I saw the light on in the basement and knew that's where he was going to be but what I hadn't planned on hearing was female voice. I couldn't place the voice but I was somewhat hurt I knew I shouldn't have listened but I did.
"Jethro you know what you have to do." She said
"I know but I just can't do it no matter how much I want to." Jethro said
"Just try." She said
"It's not in me I can't do it again." Jethro said
"Yes you can Love makes us all do things we never thought we could. Now do it." She said
"Ok here goes…I love you with all my heart and can't imagine my life without you. These past few years it's been getting harder to say no and not to act. But I am done running scared and you're everything to me. Will you marry me?" Jethro asked
"Yes, yes I'll marry you." She said
I couldn't believe my ears had what we had been that horrible, that he went out and found a woman to marry. Had this past year and a half really meant nothing to him, had everything that the two of us shared been a lie? I turned to see the dinner and figured someone could use it I grabbed my keys and I walked out of the house and left my heart right there in the kitchen of the house that I had always felt so safe in. I closed the front door and walked to my car. I took one last look at the house and that's when I saw the car across the street. I couldn't believe my eyes hell my ears even, he couldn't even ask me to move in with him but he was ok with asking Kate's sister to marry him. God I am so dumb how I could think that I could mean anything to him. I pulled away from the house and headed off there was no way I was going back to the apartment and I wasn't going to Abby cause the first person she'd call would be Gibbs. No I had to leave I drove to Georgetown and place a call to Vance.
"Hello." He asked
"Director Vance it's DiNozzo I need a huge favor please?" I asked
"It's almost midnight what's wrong?" Vance asked
"Something came up with my dad and I have to head to New York a few days can I get the time?" I asked
"Sure but I need paper work." Vance said
"Top draw on the left an envelope marked vacation. I made it out a few weeks ago for other plans but they fell through and this came up." I said
"Ok. I'll grab them in the morning. Tony take care and if you need anything just call." Vance said
"Yes sir." I said as I got back into my car and headed to the finical district to place my next call. I only hope that he would help me out I know we haven't talked too much in the last couple of years but I need a friend.
I pulled up to the diner walked to the door and figured I would eat first and then call my friend. I ordered my food. I sat there thinking about everything that happened over the last few hours. I went from being in a relationship to I don't know what. I mean my lover was asking a woman to marry him instead of asking me his lover to move in. God I was so damn naiveté to think this was different hell to think he was different. I finished my meal placed the twenty on the table and left to head out to the pay phone. I dialed the number and hoped that he would answer.
"Hello." He said
"Hey Doug it's Tony you got a minute?" I asked
"DiNozzo what do I owe the pleasure." Doug asked
"I know this is going to sound out there but I needed a friend. I know we haven't been close since the breakup but you were the only one I could think of." I said
"Look you couldn't commit and once you told me why I understood I may not have told you but not long after the break up I found someone and well were getting married in a few weeks." Doug said
"Great I am happy for you. So I'll be there in a few hours." I said
"Ok man take it easy." Doug said. I got into my car and drove to interstate 66 and headed west. Then hopped on 81 and headed south toward interstate 64 and headed west again there I stayed for the rest of my drive till I reached Doug's house just outside of Lexington Kentucky. I knew that it would take them forever to find me for I hadn't used my card since I bought dinner that I left on Gibb's counter. I drove through most of the night. It was nearing 5 am when I pulled into the driveway that I hadn't been in, in over two years. I got out and walked up to the front door and knocked and waited. When the door opened there was a blond guy who was 6'2 and broad shoulders he looked good. I was glad that Doug found someone who could love him like he should.
"Good morning Tony. Doug told me you were coming please come in he should be home soon he had to work nightshift at the hospital." He said as I followed him into the kitchen and there was breakfast and the table set for three.
"Ok. Look I am sorry if I am intruding…" I stopped looking at the guy realizing I didn't know his name.
"Oh god I am sorry names Matt. Doug told me a lot about you. And honestly I have to say thank you for not being able to give him what he needed. He's my, everything and so much more." Matt said
"Well I am glad that he's happy. I mean don't get me wrong I loved him but I just couldn't commit when my heart was else where it was unfair to him." I said
"So what happened to bring you to us?" Matt asked
"Well you said Doug told you everything I guess he told you I broke up with him because I was in love with my boss?" I asked
"Yeah so what happened on that front?" Matt asked
"Well it took a few months for me to get the nerve to say anything. I mean he's been married four times and divorced three. And I really didn't even know if he swung that way. But I finally told him everything and well we started a relationship and we wanted to keep it from our friends for a while to get use to things. Everything was going great then about six months in we were talking and I had mentioned marriage and kids." I said
"Whoo you Tony DiNozzo wanted marriage and kids." He said as we turned and there was Doug.
"Hey babe didn't hear you come in." Matt said as he got up and the two kissed it was so sweet and it's what I wanted.
"Anyhow, Tony please continue." Doug said as the two sat down across from me.
"Well anyway before things ever got to serious he had told me that he couldn't get married again or have any kids and I was ok with that. But after DADT was abolished and it was made legal in DC, I mention marriage and kids he told me that it was never going to happen. And things were ok then a few weeks ago he started to get distant and well I started to get depressed and down. Well Abby found out and started to ask questions so I told her the jest of things without using his name. Well after everything Abby and I were hugging and then I felt the head slap and he was there. I didn't see him the rest of the day. So after work I went home and changed and went and got dinner so we could talk. But when I got to his house I heard him in the basement talking to a women and they were talking and he asked her to…"I stopped I couldn't think hell I really didn't want to remember those words. I felt a hand on my and I looked up to see Doug and Matt looking at me.
"What happened?" Matt asked
"I can still remember every word he said I love you with all my heart and can't imagine my life without you. These past few years it's been getting harder to say no and not act. But I am done running scared and you're everything to me. Will you marry me? She said yes and I left and left my phone on his table. I couldn't listen to anymore so I called the director from Georgetown and told him that I was needed in New York something with my father. And then drove to a diner outside of Fairfax and called you. I just needed to get away." I said
"Tony you're a federal agent and you just broke rule 3. They will find you if they wanted." Doug said
"Can't I have nothing GPS wise in my car and I don't have my phone. And I haven't used my card since I bought dinner, and took it over to his house. So the last thing they'll have is me using my card at Del Rosa and then they'll track down where I called Vance from. But after that I'll be off the grid." I said
"Well why don't you go to the guest room and get a shower and get some rest. I'll be seeing Matt off to work here soon and then I'll be heading to bed and we'll talk some more later." Doug said as I left and headed up to his spare room. I did what he said and jumped into the shower and let the hot water just run over me and take away all the and hurt from today. But of course I couldn't help the fact that I needed to let it out and I started to cry. I let out all the tears that I was trying to keep at bay I never wanted to seem weak but everything I wanted had just slipped out of my grasp. I exited the bathroom and walked into the room and crawled into the bed needing some sleep. I pit play on my, IPod needing some music.
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
This is my last resort,
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong, would it be right?
If I took my life tonight,
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
and I'm contemplating suicide
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I never realized I was spread too thin
'Til it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin?
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying
I can't go on living this way
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong, would it be right?
If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way
Can't go on, living this way, nothing's alright