AN- I've never actually written a Calzona fic before. This one is sad, but don't worry because they belong together despite what the writing team things.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
When she first agreed to this arrangement, Arizona had no idea how much this would actually hurt her in the end. She held her daughter's hand tightly as they navigated their way through the airport.
Sofia chattered a mile per minute in excitement about her upcoming trip. It was her third time on a plane. The nerves had since disappeared. Since her daughter was a minor, she was allowed to escort her to the gate until it came time for her to board.
It was packing some of her daughter's favorite items from her bedroom at her mommy's house that Arizona thought about the ramifications of what she had done. She gave up her daughter.
It was not permanent in nature, but it had the potential to be. She gave up any rights to her ex by encouraging her to leave.
Letting Callie go, was perhaps the hardest decision she had made in her forty years of life. She meant what she told the judge in the courtroom that Sofia would thrive wherever she was. She was a bright and happy child.
While years had passed since the dissolution of her marriage, the ache in her chest was still permanently there. Her heart throbbed every time she saw Penny and Callie happy together. It reminded her of the days when they were once that happy, shinny, and new. Before hospital shootings, car crashes, planes falling out of the sky, cheating, miscarriages, and therapy when it seemed as if they could have it all.
Life unfortunately rarely travels in the direction people desire it to. Arizona learned this the hard way when she lost her leg.
Technically the leg was the catalyst, but it revealed what was already there. There was a chasm in their relationship from the beginning. They had not started off as friends, or ever made it successfully as friends. They went from complete strangers to girlfriends without batting an eye. Then the transition to mothers was added within two years of dating, then wives, and then exes.
She found that three years later nothing was still resolved between the two of them. There was never a proper discussion about what would come next. Their talks revolved around their daughter and raising her. The only decisions discussed between them were the ones that affected Sofia, nothing personal was ever put onto the table unless it was of the upmost importance to their daughter's life.
Maybe that was where they screwed up the most. They thought they could have it all, but in the end they had nothing. They had to build themselves back up from scratch. The healing apart was the toughest part of the entire thing.
It was after the devolution of her marriage that she understood she needed help. She put Band-Aids over everything, hoping that it would solve the problem for her. The problem was that it never healed. The wounds never scabbed over, and the incisions were still cuts.
"Mommy?" Sofia tugged on her hand.
Blue eyes glanced down to where her daughter bounced in place. Sofia had seemed to inherit so many of her characteristics that Callie often joked that maybe Sofia was actually Arizona's biological child. "Hmmm?"
Sofia shifted her weight to her other leg. "When will I see you again?" Arizona sucked in a breath because they hadn't informed their daughter of the specifics of her moving to New York.
In an ideal world, she would be okay traveling by herself on a plane for six hours; this wasn't an ideal world though. Too many nights were spent waking up screaming from her own nightmares that weren't nightmares. They were as real as anything else in her life. After those nights, she typically experienced phantom leg pains; those were the days she called out of work except for an absolute emergency.
Arizona wished she still had the ability to kneel. That was taken away from her, not that she faulted Callie for making the decision anymore. She would rather be alive than dead; she regretted every telling her ex-wife that she wished she was dead. She wouldn't have the opportunity to raise her daughter or watch her grow up.
She moved them over to sit to explain the situation as best she could to a six year old. "Okay Sof, you know how mama already moved to New York City to be with Penny?" Her daughter nodded, her eyebrows scrunching in confusion. "Well, as we told you, you are going to be living with her after the summer." Sofia's eyes narrowed as she began to understand what it was her mother was saying to her. There were still a few weeks until actual summer. "I am scared of planes. I will try to fly a couple of times to visit you, but sometimes it is really hard for me to be on the plane."
Sofia began to cry in earnest. She threw her arms around her mother and buried her face in Arizona's neck. Arizona rubbed the little girl's back as she did her best to comfort her crying child. It was at the moment that she thought about how empty her life would be without her daughter. Sofia filled in most of the holes in Arizona's life. There were someone that would forever remain gaping holes because of the past.
Sofia pulled back with a wet face and red eyes. "What about you? What will you do when I'm gone?" She sniffled, more tears threatening to fall.
Arizona brushed back loose strands that had fallen out of Sofia's pony-tail. "Baby, I will be fine. I have work. I have my friends like Uncle Alex and DeLuca, Uncle Richard." She had never considered before how many friends she did have. "Aunt April and her baby will make sure that I'm not lonely."
The little girl pouted adorably because she enjoyed playing with the baby. That was when she first asked if she could have a baby sister to which Arizona replied with a firm no. "But won't it make you sad not to see me?" Her eyes shone with a sadness that the mother never wanted to see.
She pulled Sofia to her chest and gently rocked her. "I will be so sad baby. It is killing me to let you go, but it hurts your mama just as much. I will visit next month. Until then we have FaceTime and phone calls. We will talk everyday. I know this is hard, but before you know it will be Christmas." Sofia smiled brightly. "Grandma and grandpa are visiting this year, and I know they can't wait to spoil you like crazy." She tickled her daughter causing the girl to emit several high pitched giggles.
"Okay, Uncle," she cried out. Arizona lightened up on her attack. "But I don't really like Penny. She made you and mama mad at each other."
Arizona huffed and grumbled a little. "It wasn't really Penny. She got this special award, and it made her have to go to New York. Mama was sad because she would miss her a lot. A year can be a long time." She glanced down to make sure Sofia was following along. "A lot can change, and mama had finally found her happiness. The problem was that she was going to take mine."
Sofia's forehead crinkled. "What's your happiness?"
"You," she tapped her nose. "We went to a judge and she said that you were going to stay with me forever. Mama was super sad and broke up with Penny. It hurt her, and I didn't want her to be sad. I was mad at first, but I knew that we all needed to be happy."
"But you won't really be happy if I am gone?" Sofia surmised.
"When did you become so smart?" Arizona hated that her baby was growing up. She was going to miss an entire year of her daughter's life from spelling tests to new friends and sleepovers.
Sofia shrugged. "Maybe I was always this smart." Arizona snorted causing Sofia to laugh. It was then that they announced Sofia's plane would begin boarding. The little girl's eyes widened, her hand slipping into her mother's. "Mommy, I don't want to go. I want to stay with you." Tears slipped from her eyes, and Arizona found herself wanting to hold her daughter and never let go.
"I don't want you to either. Mama is going to be waiting for you though. I promise when I get there, we will go out for pizza and ice cream. We will play in the park." She kissed her daughter's head, and they stayed like that for a minute. She needed to feel her in her arms because it was going to be weeks before she felt the solid weight of her daughter. She lifted Sofia off her lap and gingerly stood up. She held her hand out to Sofia to grab. "Are you ready for your next adventure?"
Sofia shrugged. "I guess so."
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop
She paced listlessly as she waited for the arrivals board to update. It had been a long day of surgery, and the plane was delayed by an hour. She hadn't received that little memo until she arrived, and the frustration only grew from there.
She was tired and irritable, not that it had anything to do with her daughter. It was the day wearing down on her. Her shift at the hospital started early, and she had to rush from surgery to the changing room in order to arrive at the airport to pick up her daughter. She hadn't seen in her in three whole months because of how busy she had become.
Callie gave the summer to her ex because it was certainly the least she could do. She considered at first visiting Seattle, but she wasn't sure she was actually ready for something like that. Her friends weren't exactly mad with her decision to leave, but it was the way she had gone about it. She betrayed Arizona in the worst way possible.
Meredith was kind, but she lectured Callie about her actions in court. They didn't reflect well on her, and they had affected certain doctors and the workplace. There was a divide between them and Arizona, especially in the boardroom. Arizona was a bit frosty with them. Meredith didn't like that they were put between the two of them. Callie had to agree that it was wrong of her to do that in the first place. She tried to ask Meredith how the blonde was, but Meredith told her that was unfair.
"Look Callie," she sighed. "I get that you still care about her, but as you don't work or live here anymore, it isn't your business. It isn't right that you are asking me about her. She is entitled to her privacy, and she doesn't owe you the details of her life. I can't betray her like that because she owns this hospital with me and she is my coworker. I would like to build us back to friends, and if I tell you things, I can't do that in good conscience." It was strange for Callie to think of Meredith as this mature person who also happened to be her friend considering how their relationship started all those years ago. Too many to really count.
She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "You're right." She admitted freely. "It wasn't right for me to ask you something like that. It is personal in nature, and I don't deserve to know how she is because as you said it isn't my place anymore. I gave up all that when I divorced her." Especially when I took her to court. "I guess it is hard not seeing how everyone is doing for myself."
"You are living your life. You gave up your life here for your something happy, and maybe you have to let her be happy now. She can't have you asking after her. You've done enough to her and vice versa. Maybe it is time to truly let go. Be happy with Penny." Callie frowned at Meredith's words.
"Flight one fifty-three has landed." Callie sighed in relief. She glanced at the arrivals board for which conveyor belt to go to. No sooner than she got there, did she spot Sofia holding the hand of the flight attendant.
Sofia was conversing animatedly with her free hand. She was growing up faster than her mother would prefer. It seemed as if it was only yesterday that she took her first steps and spoke her first word. It wasn't mama though; it was mo. At first, Callie had no idea what her daughter was talking about until her hands grabbed in the direction of Arizona. They had forged a bond with one another that the darker haired woman was ecstatic about because Arizona worried endlessly that she would be unable to be a good mother.
The moment Sofia spotted her mama she released the flight attendant's hand and ran towards her with unadulterated glee. "Mama!" She exclaimed jovially, much to the amusement of her fellow passengers still loitering in the area. Callie grabbed her daughter up in a gigantic hug and softly inhaled her daughter's scent. "I can't wait to tell you all about summer."
Callie's smile dimmed a bit. She was expecting her daughter to tell her about how much she missed her as Callie most assuredly missed Sofia. They walked over to collect Sofia's single suitcase. They had decided to keep packing as light as possible when Sofia flew across the country, and to only pack the absolute necessities. "What did you and mommy do?" She wasn't going to dwell on the negative. While the summer was depressing with her contact being limited to Skype calls and quick five minutes calls, she didn't have a right to make Sofia feel guilty about having fun.
"Oh lots, we visited nana and grandpa in California for the fourth of July. It was so much fun." She continued to talk through the drive home. "We went to the aquarium. Mommy took me to the movies to see Finding Dory, and it was great. She surprised me with a vacation to Maui where we went snorkeling. I saw a Blue Tang like Dory." There so many firsts that she would miss out on because of this arrangement. "We went hiking and camping. The water at the lake was cold. And then the mosquitos bit us, but we laughed a lot. We had s'mores and then mommy got poison oak." She giggled merrily at the memory of her mommy itching everywhere.
"I'm guessing mommy wasn't a good patient?" Callie knew how much Arizona hated to make a fuss about anything medically wrong with her.
Sofia shook her head in the back seat. "Nope." She popped the 'p'. "She kept 'plaining to Uncle Alex that she was so itchy and needed to scratch."
Callie could easily picture that scene: Arizona on her couch in sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt, itch cream, a bowl of ice cream, and her cooking shows. "So you guys had fun?" She already knew the answer, but wanted to hear her daughter talk more.
"Yeah, we even went to Disneyland. I got a picture with all the princesses, and the princes all kissed my cheek. Mommy knew one of the princesses because she did surgery on her brother. Isn't that awesome?"
"I'm glad you and mommy had a lot of fun. Are you ready for school to start in a few days?" She received a shrug. "This is a really nice school, and I'm sure you will make lots of friends."
"I guess." Sofia muttered, turning her head to the window.
Callie was surprised at the suddenness of her daughter's sullen behavior. Sofia was rarely a petulant child, and was usually quite smiley. "Penny made your favorite for dinner." Sofia scowled at the mention of the red head. "She got off work early, and wanted to do something special for your homecoming."
Sofia's head snapped towards her mother. "This isn't home. Seattle is. I don't see why we have to be here. All out family is there."
"Honey, I thought you were okay with all of this?" Although she wasn't okay with the situation as much as she pretended to be either.
The little girl frowned in her mother's direction. "I want you to be happy like mommy. She's not sad anymore." That was certainly news to Callie.
"What do you mean?" The last time she talked to her ex, there hadn't seemed to be any developments on the relationship front. At least she was certain there wasn't, then again she couldn't ask anything like that anymore.
Sofia bit her lip in thought as she decided whether or not to betray her mother's secrets. "I can't tell you mama. It is private. Aunt Meredith says we shouldn't tell other people's business after Zola got in trouble at camp for telling people's secrets."
Her daughter was of course right, which pained the Latina. Her seven year old daughter had morals and values, and knew enough not to break someone's trust in her. It was hard to associate this growing person with the sickly baby she once was.
"You're absolutely right baby girl." The ache in her stomach didn't go away. Somehow she knew a big change was coming her way, and she wasn't sure if she was prepared for what was to come.
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
Arizona carefully applied the mascara to her lashes, finishing up the last touches of her make-up. "Mommy, you look so pretty." Sofia gushed as her fingers ran through her mother's blonde waves. "I love that you don't wear a lot of make-up. It makes you a lot prettier." She was ten and taking quite an interest in hair and beauty. Much of her time was spent watching beauty gurus on YouTube.
"Thanks Sof," she beamed at her daughter in the mirror. It was hard to believe that she was celebrating a relationship anniversary. Two years ago, it seemed she was incapable of having a deep relationship with someone that didn't start with sex. And then she met Katie. Katie changed her entire life.
She once thought that a person had only one love of their life, and maybe some people did. However, it took starting something new with Katie for her to realize that a person could have multiple loves of their lives.
"How did you know you were ready to move on?" It was at lunch that she found herself questioning her friends.
Meredith and Alex shared an uncomfortable glance, unsure of who should answer when Meredith decided to take the lead. "While a spouse dying is a different situation, at the same time it isn't. It is still a break up, the worst kind." Her lips tipped up into a smirk. "It was about two years after he died that I finally understood it all. He wouldn't want me to remain alone, and to be truthful I didn't want that either." She fiddled with her pager.
"I realized that I wanted someone there, who understood me, I desired intimacy." Her face flushed a little at that. "I didn't want just sex to be clear. I was tired of going home and sleeping in my bed alone. My children don't count. Maggie and Amelia weren't going to live there forever, and what would I do when my children were all grown up. It is a process though. You never want to rush it." Meredith warned Arizona about that. She didn't want her to repeat her mistakes.
Both women shifted their eyes to Alex who was slurping through his straw. "What?" He growled. Unfortunately it was ineffective as both were quite aware that under his tough guy exterior he truly cared for his two best friends that happened to women. "Oh fine like I give a crap. Look after Izzy dumped me and jumped ship to the next place, I was in a bad way. I was pissed off that the world/fate/God or whatever did it to me again. I was left dealing with the aftermath of that shit, and it took me a longtime to get over her." He swallowed at the reminder of the one who got away. If there was a mistake he made in his life, it was giving up too easily.
"I failed at my marriage, and then I jumped into a relationship with-" he glanced up briefly at the two of them, and he just waved his hand so that they would understand who he meant. "That was a mistake though, neither of us should have done that. We weren't ready for any sort of relationship. Lucy was less of a serious relationship and more of fun. I guess it was actually getting to know Jo, and realizing that time keeps moving that I felt that I could put it all behind me."
"I have a date tonight with this woman."
Meredith arched a brow as she tried to cover up her expression. "Oh, and where did we meet this woman?" They were all aware of Arizona's penchant for going to trivia night.
Blue eyes rolled. "Not at trivia night. She actually knocked me over when she was at the park running. I was standing up, and she hadn't really been looking and bam. She was sweet about it and helped me up. She apologized and asked if she could do something to apologize like take me out to dinner. It took me a few extra minutes to understand she was flirting with me." Alex tried to hide his smirk but failed. "Hey," she slapped his arm. "I am majorly out of practice. Sofia is finishing up the end of third grade, and it is hard managing all of her activities." The little girl had taken up softball and ballet.
"Well, don't sleep with her on the first date." Alex advised sagely. "We both know what happens then." Meredith and Arizona threw their napkins at him.
"I can't believe you guys have been dating for so long." Sofia loved Katie a lot. She had actually met her the day after her mommy had. Katie had become the new coach of her softball team as their old coach had moved away. "Katie is really awesome. I'm glad you are happy mommy. You always smile now." It hurt Sofia when she had to go to New York because she knew her mom was sad that she would be alone, but since Katie came into the picture, her mom had been a lot happier.
Arizona patted Sofia's hand. "Yeah, I have. I never thought I would find someone who makes me almost as happy as you do." Sofia hugged her mom; she didn't often require reassurance of her importance in her mother's life, but it didn't hurt. "I chose to be your mother, and I wouldn't have it any other way." Sofia wouldn't either.
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
"Mama?" Sofia called hesitantly as she approached her mother. She had news to deliver, and she wasn't positive to how her mother would take it.
Calliope glanced up from the journal she was reading. "Yes mija?"
"I have news to tell you about mommy." Her voice was barely audible. Her mom and Penny had broken up six months before, and since then things had been a little weird in their household. Her mama was lost. Callie raised a questioning brow instead of replying verbally. "Mommy is engaged to Katie."
Whatever she was expecting her daughter to say, it wasn't that. Several emotions flashed across her face before she settled on something neutral. She needed to be happy for Arizona. "That's well that's g-great." She swallowed what little pride she had left. "She deserves to be happy.
"Sofia deserves two happy moms." It was in that moment that Callie understood that Arizona was finally letting her go.
It was her turn to actually let Arizona go, but she didn't know if she could. "When is the wedding?" She did know that her ex didn't want a big wedding after already having done that in the past. She wanted more of an intimate affair.
"It's in a month. She already bought my plane ticket. She said she would call you later to work out all the details. You're invited by the way." She informed her mother before she scurried out of the room. At eleven years old, Callie wondered when her daughter grew up.
After making sure that her daughter was hidden in her room, she called Meredith. "Hey Cal, I'm assuming you've heard."
A few tears fell down her cheeks. "Yeah," she sniffled quietly. She didn't want Sofia to hear her. "I know this will come out sounding terrible, but I didn't think this would happen."
Meredith sighed on the other end. "Callie, you moved on first. It took her a longtime and a lot of therapy to find that she was capable of that too."
"Therapy?" Callie didn't know that Arizona had gone to therapy. It explained her new outlook on life.
Meredith was silent. "I thought you knew." She finally said. "It wasn't as if it was a secret. She told the entire board. She started therapy a few months after you moved. She realized there were a lot of things she never actually healed from like the plane crash and cheating on you. It was holding her back and preventing her from moving on with her life. She went on an emotional journey where she realized she could live without you and be happy. Her happiness was no longer dependent upon yours. While a part of her will always love you, she has closed that chapter."
"What if I don't want her to?" That was selfish, but when it came to love, you had to be selfish.
"Callie," Meredith groaned irritably. "Don't do this to her. Don't ruin her happiness because you and Penny broke up. You have to release the grip you still have and just let her go. Say a proper goodbye because neither you ever got that." Meredith was right as usual; it struck Callie as a little strange that she relied so heavily on her friendship with Meredith. "When Sofia flies home for the wedding, fly back with her. Have a talk with her about everything and then wish her well."
"Why must you be so logical and rational?"
"I have three kids, and I've nearly died about a dozen different times. It comes with the territory. You don't have just one great love and then it is all over. Yeah I love Derek with all my heart, but we had our problems like everyone else. I will remain sad that I won't know what could've been had he lived, but I can't keep wondering what if. All these regrets you have, you didn't have when you first ended your marriage."
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Meredith was right as usual. When she walked out of therapy, she had no regrets. She felt free for the first time in five years. The bathroom kiss that started it all was the best beginning she could've asked for. She needed it after the weeks that preceded it. When a complete strangers kisses you in a bathroom, it helps a lot with boosting your confidence.
It was about a year after that kiss where their relationship had started to go wrong. Arizona didn't want children, and that was something that Callie couldn't be content with. She knew from a young age that one day she would love to be a mother; at the time she was sure that couldn't give up one of her dreams to be with Arizona.
It was the events of the shooting that made her realize how precious life truly was. The argument they had during the lockdown also gave her some insight into Arizona's thought process, and she could admit that she was in love with idea of being in love. She loved George O'Malley, but it wasn't the kind of love where she could foresee herself giving up anything for him. All it took was him cheating for her to leave him, and she cheated on Erica with Mark. She could've handled that situation much better than she did.
With all of her relationships, her judgment was impeded in some way. With Arizona, she could see it all though. She loved Arizona long before Arizona ever told her the depth of her feelings. But with the plane crash, they both lost a leg. They had to learn how to stand without each other, and inevitably they drifted further apart.
She couldn't believe she was taking Meredith's advice, but had to do this. She needed to talk to Arizona. She didn't want any regrets. She had a lifetime full of them.
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
Her eyes were patient, kind, and understanding; yet there was a certain acceptance in those baby blues. Her lips tipped down into a saddened smile because if this conversation happened two or three years prior, there would be a different end result. But it didn't.
"Callie," her eyes darted up to the ceiling as she blinked back tears. This was hard. "We did it wrong. We've had our second, third, and fourth chances. We exhausted ourselves trying to fix our relationship when maybe the problem was that in this life we were meant to be together for a time, but ultimately our paths took us in different directions." She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt the tears fall down her face. "I wanted desperately to be with you for the rest of my life. I will always love you, and perhaps no one else will truly compare to what we shared. But.." she hesitated as her eyes reopened. "I have to let you go. Every cell inside me of is crying out in protest, but I know that it is what we should've done."
She reached out to grab Callie's hand in her own and gripped it tightly. "We have a beautiful daughter, and I think that is the most we can share. I want you to have this though." She placed a brown leather bound journal in her ex's hands. "I started it around the time we met. It spans a couple of years. I don't regret us. How could I when you gave me Sofia?"
Callie glanced down at the journal. It was the last gift she would ever receive from Arizona. She knew that. "I'll love you forever and ever."
Those dimples popped out and Callie felt a tugging in her heart. "Back at you."
"I hope you don't mind that I won't be attending the wedding." Somehow Arizona expected that; she wouldn't have attended Penny and Callie's if they had gone down that road. "I wish you well in life."
"You too Callie."
For the first time, Callie could finally view her life without Arizona there beside her. Having the opportunity to see all the happiness, she knew there was something out there for herself. As Arizona once said, Sofia deserved two happy mothers a DNA while they couldn't be happy together, it didn't mean they needed to be miserable either.
Mane that's how she met A. na
And I'm already gone, I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
It was many years before Callie would see Arizona again. Callie had relocated to Connecticut to get Sofia out of the city as she was entering that age where children start to act out. Sofia's graduation was the first time in many years that she had caught more than just a glimpse of the blonde. Sofia graduated from a private Catholic school in Seattle after she begged her mothers not to make her continue to switch schools in high school. There was still some distance between the two of them as they decided it would be best to not interfere in each other's life.
Sofia had spent a weekend a month in Connecticut and every break except Christmas which was split between them. It seemed only fair to grant Callie that concession.
It was as she laid in the hospital bed with bad lungs and a bad heart that she asked for Arizona. It wasn't the correct medical terminology, but she couldn't be bothered with formal names at this point. She was dying. There was nothing for that. The doctors had exhausted their resources, and a few surgeries were performed to give her extra time. The time was now and Sofia didn't have the heart to resist her request. Even all these years later, and there were far more than the relationship actually lasted, her mothers still had a deep, emotional connection.
Callie's eyes shined with a light that hadn't existed in a long time. "You came." She breathed. It came out in raspy sounds.
"Shh," her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. "Put this back on." Callie acquiesced. She didn't want to admit that it was somewhat difficult for her to breath. Arizona caressed her face softly as if memorizing each wrinkle and line of her face. "You're still so beautiful." Callie smiled weakly. "People still talk about you and your Torres Method. They talk about your Harper Avery's. The talk is good." Brown eyes widened as familiar conversation came back to her. Forty years separated them. It had almost faded as she hadn't thought about it in many years. "When you get up there…" she waved her hand so that Callie would understand what she meant. "There will be people lining up to see you."
Callie removed the mask once again. "Can you give me a list?" She smirked.
Arizona's eyes danced with mirth as she leaned in close. Her lips hovered over Callie's before their lips crashed together. It wasn't frantic as they were both far too old for that, but it was soft and a kiss of old times. "I think you'll be waiting for the most important one."
"Yeah, I" she inhaled sharply as her lungs struggled to take in oxygen. "I know. Don't worry though, I won't sleep with Mark besides I think there's only one person I am actually in love with only I let her go." Tears pierced her eyes as her breathing slowed. "Arizona- I," her breaths were labored and she put much of her energy into trying to breath. "I wrote something for you in the journal."
"Don't worry," she placed the mask back over her face. "I- well when Katie and I divorced ten or so years ago, I knew that there was one person I was ever in love with. However, our time has come to an end because you're dying." She cried. Hands aged by time weakly brushed away tears from the most vibrant blue eyes she had ever seen. "I promise we won't be apart for long. We've wasted so much time being stupid."
Callie smiled bigger than she had on her wedding day. While it was the end of this chapter, there had to be something after this life. She had to believe that she would see Arizona again. She mouthed 'I know'. Her eyes felt weak and her breaths grew shallow, and before she knew it she was floating.
I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man's days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours –
And the songs of every poet past and forever.
Dear Arizona,
This is one of my favorite poems, and I thought it fitting that I put it in here. I'm sorry that i ever made you feel inferior, or that you needed fixing. You didn't. You are perfect the way you are because you're you. I should've focused on listening to you more instead of forcing things. Maybe we could've spent the rest of our lives together instead of apart. One of my biggest regrets in life... we actually there are two. The first is walking out of therapy, okay well walking away any time where you were involved. It is what I do. When things are hard, I walk away. It isn't as easy as it sounds though; it is difficult and painful because I had to see what I gave up every day. The other was taking you to court and the leaving to New York. New York was an escape; somehow though no matter what my thoughts always came back to you.
You were my blue eyed goddess. When I dreamt at night, all I could see were those beautiful baby blues of yours. It felt like coming home. My inability to completely give you up led to my break up with Penny. It isn't your fault because I'm not sorry. We weren't meant for each other. She was supposed to help me move on. The thing is that Bailey once asked me who did I picture myself with in twenty years, or whatever, and while I said Penny, it was you. But I knew in my heart that we weren't for each other in this lifetime. We tried so hard, but the odd stuff were stack against us. We were always meant to say goodbye.
While Penny and I didn't last, I managed to find someone else that fit into all those cracks in my heat. Anne was amazing until I lost her to cancer, two years ago. I learned that people are able to have multiple loves of their lives. I think we were given the time we were to grow, but life sent us on different paths. I'm glad that you and Katie were together for so long. Anne and I were married for ten years. Sometimes I still can't believe she's gone. I suppose that's the theme of my life.
The day I gave you my heart, I never got it back. I didn't want it back. You are a part of me as I am a part of you. We should've been able to jump all those hurdles together. At the time everything seemed too much. We were too close to our problems, and never took the time to step back and reassess. I know you think that last night I knew I was walking away, but I didn't. I was more committed to you that night than any other night in our entire relationship. I had never loved you more. It was in therapy the next day that I realized I suffocated you; you never suffocated me. I noticed you smiled more when out of my presence, and that your old personality resurfaced far more often. I sucked the happiness from you. I never wanted to do that. So I gave you up. I never found happiness like I had with you.
There was never anyone else that occupied my mind and heart like you.
I will love you until the end of time and even after that,
Yours forever,
Calliope
PS. To the guest reviewer, it's au for a reason. None of us ever said that Callie couldn't be happy with Penny in New York. We just wish that it went a different way. Alas it didn't. This is fanfiction where you get to direct how you wish things happened.