Grace the Moll
A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz
2003
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
A BLEARY EYED WILL EMERGES FROM IS BEDROOM IN HIS DRESSING GOWN.
HE PICKS UP THE MAIL, RIFFLES THROUGH IT.
WILL
Bills, bills, Amex, bills, - ooh, Gay Monthly magazine - bills, Grace Adler.
Hmm, a letter for Grace delivered here by mistake. Shall I be a gentleman...?
Nah, where's the fun in that.
WILL TEARS LETTER OPEN, READS.
HIS EYES BUG IN SURPRISE.
WILL
Whoa!
CUT TO --
WILL'S APARTMENT A LITLE LATER. WILL IS DRESSED, GRACE SEATED ON THE COUCH.
GRACE
I can't believe you opened my mail.
WILL
I can't believe you didn't tell me you were writing to the inmate of a federal penitentiary.
GRACE
I can't believe you opened my mail.
WILL
I can't believe your penpal is a convicted felon.
GRACE
I can't believe you opened my mail.
WILL
Grace, get over it. You steal my Gay Monthly magazine.
GRACE
Only for the fashion tips. This is personal.
WILL
How come you're writing to convicts anyway?
There aren't enough law abiding men for you to hit on?
GRACE
A woman came to my office. She said she was trying to recruit people to write to people in prison. To help rehabilitate them. That's how I started writing to Hal.
WILL
Hal? Your prison penpal?
GRACE
Yeah. Harold Devoto. But he likes me to call him Hal.
WILL
Harold Devoto? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh please God, he's not Harold 'Heavy Hands' Devoto, is he?
GRACE
You know Hal? Isn't he a pussycat?
WILL
Pussycat? Grace, 'Heavy Hands Devoto' was one of the most notorious armed bank robbers of the last decade. Don't tell me you didn't know that?
GRACE
Hal told me he got into trouble working out some 'issues' from his childhood.
WILL
He worked out these childhood 'issues' by entering a bank, going up to the teller with a 12 gauge and yelling 'Give me all your money or I'll blow your frigging head off' - is that what you're saying?
GRACE
Robbing banks doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.
WILL
I hate to drag you back through the Looking Glass, Alice. But, yes. It does.
Didn't you suspect something when his nickname's 'Heavy Hands'?
GRACE
I thought it was because he retained water in his fingers.
WILL
I see. Not because he uses his fists to pummel everyone in authority who crosses his path. Grace, this man mugged his childhood friends in Kindergarten for rusk money.
GRACE
There's no need to get so uptight about it. It's not as if we've ever going to meet.
Hal's in the fifth year of a 20 year sentence.
WILL
Let's be grateful for small mercies.
INT. CLOTHES SHOP, NYC.
JACK ENTERS SHOP. WALKS UP TO SALES CLERK, CLARENCE, A SNOOTY ENGLISH TYPE.
JACK
Hi. I'd like to return these pants and get a refund.
CLARENCE
I see. And what exactly is wrong with the pants?
JACK
They're a little tight around the waist.
CLARENCE
Are you sure sir hasn't gained a little weight since he purchased the item?
JACK
You saying I'm fat?
CLARENCE
Oh far be it from me to pass judgement on sir's physical condition. But yes, I am.
JACK
Hmm. Need a witty comeback. I'm not fat. Damn! That was lame.
CLARENCE
I'm sorry, sir. We don't give refunds.
JACK
I'm a customer. I have rights.
CLARENCE
Not in this shop. We can hardly be held responsible if customers insist on stuffing their fat ugly faces with greasy fast food and sugary candies.
JACK
But I want a ---
CLARENCE
No.
JACK
But ---
CLARENCE
No.
JACK
(GRUNTS)
CLARENCE
No. Good day, sir. Mind on the way out the door doesn't hit you on your emormous arse.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING. LAUNDRY ROOM.
GRACE IS FILLING THE DRIER. JACK PERCHES ON THE MACHINE DANGLING HIS LEGS.
JACK
And then this snooty English type looks down his supercilious nose and says 'mind the door doesn't hit you on your enormous arse.'
GRACE
Arse? What's an arse?
JACK
It's British for butt.
GRACE
That SOB. What did you say?
JACK
Nothing. I left like a scolded dog, dragging my tail behind me. English accents always intimidate me. I don't have an enormous butt, do I, Grace? Do I? Do I?
GRACE
No, Jack. You have a fine booty.
JACK
Thanks, Grace. You too. Though when are you going to grow boobies? Puberty's really taking it's time kicking in with you, huh?
GRACE
They may be small but they're perfectly formed.
JACK
You keep telling yourself that, Grace. May be one day it'll be true.
GRACE
What are you going to do about the pants?
JACK
Keep them I guess. I can't go back for another whupping.
GRACE
You should take Karen along. I've seen her reduce a waitress to tears just for putting two olives in her martini.
(MIMICS KAREN) Honey, what's this? If I wanted two olives in my booze I'd visit the Betty Ford Clinic.'
JACK
That was so like Karen! I'll do Will.
(MIMICS WILL) Hi, I'm Will Truman. My head's too big for my body and I'm gonna need plugs real soon.'
GRACE
Do me! Do me!
JACK
Hi, I'm Grace Adler. I have no boobies and can't find a man no matter how hard I try.'
GRACE
Nothing like me. This is me. 'Hi, I'm Grace Adler, and I'm about to stuff Jack McFarlane's fool head in a drier.'
GRACE STUFFS JACK'S FOOL HEAD IN A DRIER.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL AND GRACE ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH WATCHING BUFFY - THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ON TV.
WILL
I don't get this show. Buffy's meant to be the one slayer in all the world.
So why do all the vampires hang out in Sunnydale? Wouldn't it make more sense if they went somewhere where there wasn't a homicidal blonde superbitch waiting to stake them?
GRACE
I like Willow, the lez. She's so freeking hot!
WILL
It's been a while since you've been with a man, hasn't it?
GRACE
Fair point.
WILL
I like Xander. Chunky body, bad hair, big feet.
GRACE
No, that's Tara, Willow's lez lover.
WILL
Oh right. I wondered about the man breasts.
NEWSFLASH ON TV
TV
Breaking news. Harold 'Heavy Hands' Devoto broke out of a secure penal facility today.
Devoto, serving 20 years for armed robbery with menaces, is said to be extremely dangerous.
The public are advised not to approach Devoto but contact federal authorities immediately.
We return you to your regularly scheduled programmes.
WILL
(BEAT) Grace, please tell me your new penpal doesn't know what you look like.
GRACE
I may have sent him one or two photographs of me.
WILL
One or two?
GRACE
One or two dozen.
WILL
What the hell were you thinking?
GRACE
He said I looked nice. Especially in lingerie.
WILL
You sent a convicted felon, serving 20 years, pictures of you wearing lingerie?
GRACE
Tasteful pictures. I was hardly showing any nipple at all.
WILL
Grace, this man hasn't had sex with a woman for 5 years. Do the words 'red rag to a bull' mean anything to you?
GRACE
Aren't prisoners allowed conjugal visits?
WILL
Yes. Yes, they are. But only if they're married. Hence the term conjugal.
GRACE
I did a stupid thing, didn't I?
WILL
The only thing stupider would be for you to send him a video of you naked.
GRACE
I didn't do that.
WILL
I'm relieved to hear it.
GRACE
I couldn't find a blank tape.
INT. CLOTHES SHOP, NYC.
JACK AND KAREN.
JACK
I want you to tear this guy a new one, Karen. Show no mercy.
KAREN
Leave it me, hon. I'll have this creep eating out my hand.
CLARENCE
Can I help, madam? And -- oh, it's you. Mr Tushy.
KAREN
Hi, sparky. Me and my fruit friend here are returning some pants.
Whether you like it or not.
CLARENCE
Store policy. No refunds.
KAREN
You sure got some nerve. What's that on your top lip? My maid Rosario can grow a better mustache than that. In a day.
CLARENCE
Very droll.
KAREN
You want droll? What's with the hair, Rogaine boy?
Last time I saw something that pink and shiny it was being yanked out a womb and slapped.
CLARENCE
No refunds.
KAREN
What's that on your wrist - bacofoil?
CLARENCE
Hardly. It's a Rolex Oyster Perpetual. Limited edition.
KAREN
Limited edition down Mexacali way may be. Cheap knock off. This, honey, is a Rolex.
THRUSTS WRIST UNDER C'S NOSE
KAREN
75,000 clams. Park Avenue, not Wetback Avenue. 24 carats.
I had to dodge Stan's carrot for a month for this puppy.
JACK
Karen, let's leave. It's not working.
KAREN
Hold your horses there, fruit fly. We're not leaving till we get your - how much?
JACK
200 dollars.
KAREN
200 bucks? Jeez, honey. Stan's pants cost 200 a stitch.
CLARENCE
If you don't leave I will call security and have them deposit you both on the sidewalk.
KAREN
Sidewalk? Hang on a cotton picking minute there, sparky. The english don't call it the sidewalk. They call it the pavement.
CLARENCE
Er, right. That's what I meant. The pavement.
KAREN
Hmmm. Tell me this - whereabouts does the Queen of England buy her jewelry?
CLARENCE
I...don't know.
KAREN
Aspreys, Bond Street.
Who is Prince Charles's latest squeeze? Woman looks like a horse?
CLARENCE
I...don't know.
KAREN
Camilla Parker-Bowles.
Where can you score Quualudes on a Saturday night in old London town?
CLARENCE
I.....
KAREN
Piccadilly Circus. Ask for Nigel the narc.
CLARENCE
Aright! I admit it. I'm not English. My name's not Clarence. I'm a phoney.
My name's Bennie Berkowitz. I live with my mom in Queens.
I'll give you the 200 dollars - plus a free pair of pants if you'll just please leave.
KAREN
Bennie, hon, you pitiful sad sack of a man, you got yourself a deal.
JACK AND KAREN EXCHANGE HIGH FIVES.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
GRACE ENTERS
GRACE
Any news on the tv? Omigod!
WILL IS GAGGED AND TIED TO A CHAIR. HAL 'HEAVY HANDS' DEVOTO STANDS BESIDE HIM.
HAL IS THICKSET AND MENACING. THINK RAY LIOTTA ON STEROIDS.
HAL
Hello, Grace. You look just like your pictures.
GRACE
Hal? What are you doing here?
HAL
I've come for you, Grace. I couldn't get those photographs you sent me out of my mind.
WILL STRUGGLES
GRACE
Will, enough already. Even with a gag in your mouth I can hear you saying 'I told you so'.
Hal, you've got to untie Will. He chafes easily.
HAL
No can do, babe. I'm going to chop your boyfriend into little pieces and feed them to the fishes.
GRACE
Will's not my boyfriend. He's gay.
HAL
Nice try.
GRACE
Hel - lo! Does this look like a straight guy's apartment to you?
Pictures of nude men on the walls, crepe pans, copies of Cosmo all neatly indexed?
HAL
Now that you mention it it does seem kinda fruity.
GRACE
Kinda? It's queerer than Christmas.
HAL
Ok. The gag can come off.
HAL UNDOES WILL'S GAG.
WILL
Hal, listen to me. It's not too late. I can help you. I'm a lawyer.
HAL
I hate lawyers.
WILL
Did I say lawyer? I meant carpenter.
I love the feel of wood in my hands, in so many ways...
KAREN ENTERS
KAREN
Hey, Grace. Wilma.
HAL
Karen? Is that you?
KAREN
Why it can't be - Harry Devoto?
HAL AND KAREN HUG
KAREN
Long time no see. Put on a bit of weight, hon. Here. There. And everywhere.
Hell, honey, you're a Beatles tune set to flab!
GRACE
(HISSES) Karen, he's an escaped convict!
HAL
So, Karen, I hear you're married now? Hook a juicy one?
KAREN
The juiciest, honey. Loaded and with a dodgy ticker. It's a marriage made in heaven but consumated in hell.
GRACE
You two know each other?
HAL
Sure. Karen used to be Davey the shiv's moll.
GRACE
You were a moll? People called you Karen the moll? To your face?
KAREN
Honey, it's the oldest story in the book.
Boy meets girl.
Girl becomes moll.
Boy says we gotta lie low.
Girl says it's better if I'm on top.
WILL
Davey the shiv? I'm guessing he wasn't a nice jewish boy who loved his mom?
HAL
The shiv was Davey's weapon of choice.
KAREN
I haven't thought of Davey in years. How is the old softie?
HAL
Serving 30 to life in Rikers. Armed robbery with menaces.
WILL
The old softie.
KAREN
When you see him, tell him love and kisses from Karen.
HAL
I'm not going back. Once I've sliced and diced this guy, Grace and I are heading south of the border.
KAREN
You're going on the lam? That takes me back. Life on the edge.
Never knowing where your next hi ball was coming from.
GRACE
South of the border? Mexico? I can't live in Mexico. The heat, the flies, the food.
Will, tell him Mexican food brings me out in hives.
HAL
Grace, every since you sent me that picture of you in a peekaboo bra, I can't get you out of mind. Marry me, and I'll carve your name in blood all the way to Tiajuana.
GRACE
Marry you? Oh my. This is all so sudden.
WILL
Grace...
GRACE
Shush, Will. No one ever proposed to me before. Give me a moment.
WILL
Grace, you can't be serious. He's a homicidal maniac - no offense.
GRACE
Hal, I've decided. I --
LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.
FBI
This is the FBI! The building's surrounded, Devoto. Give yourself up.
HAL
The Feds! They'll never take me. I'll kill you all first.
HAL'S EYES ROLL TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AND HE COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR.
KAREN HAS SANDBAGGED HIM WITH A BLACKJACK.
GRACE
Karen! What did you do?
KAREN
Just a little tap on the noggin with a blackjack, Grace.
Nothing to get your panties in a twist over.
WILL
You carry a blackjack in your purse?
KAREN
Sure, honey. If Stan gets too frisky - bop! - nighty night, sweetums, see you in the morning.
WILL
Karen, I never thought I'd say this, but your freaky sex toy has saved my life. Thank you.
KAREN
You're welcome, honey. You need a hand with the ropes?
WILL
Please.(BEAT) Uh, Karen, you're tightening the knots.
KAREN
Shush, Wilma. Karen knows what she's doing.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. A DAY OR TWO LATER.
WILL AND GRACE ARE ON THE COUCH. WILL IS MASSAGING GRACE'S FEET.
IT'S A COSY, BUCOLIC SCENE.
WILL
So Hal's back behind bars?
GRACE
Yup. Doing an extra 20 years.
WILL
You'll be nearly 70 when he gets out. Think you'll hook up?
GRACE
Nah. I'll be in Florida then. Playing mah-jong and scooping my butt off the floor.
WILL
You weren't seriously going to say yes when he proposed?
GRACE
Will, I was so caught up in the excitement of the moment who the hell knows.
WILL
Grace the moll. Has a certain ring to it.
JACK ENTERS. HE'S DANCING AND SINGING JAMES BROWN'S 'PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG'.
JACK
Check it out. Papa's got brand new pants! Papa's got brand new pants!
JACK BENDS DOUBLE AND STICKS HIS TUSHY IN THE AIR.
HIS PANTS SPLIT UP THE SEAM.
WILL
Looks like Papa's gonna need brand new brand new pants.
***
THE END
Enjoy the script? Let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk
Or post a review at fanfiction.net
And check out my other scripts and stories.
***
A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz
2003
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
A BLEARY EYED WILL EMERGES FROM IS BEDROOM IN HIS DRESSING GOWN.
HE PICKS UP THE MAIL, RIFFLES THROUGH IT.
WILL
Bills, bills, Amex, bills, - ooh, Gay Monthly magazine - bills, Grace Adler.
Hmm, a letter for Grace delivered here by mistake. Shall I be a gentleman...?
Nah, where's the fun in that.
WILL TEARS LETTER OPEN, READS.
HIS EYES BUG IN SURPRISE.
WILL
Whoa!
CUT TO --
WILL'S APARTMENT A LITLE LATER. WILL IS DRESSED, GRACE SEATED ON THE COUCH.
GRACE
I can't believe you opened my mail.
WILL
I can't believe you didn't tell me you were writing to the inmate of a federal penitentiary.
GRACE
I can't believe you opened my mail.
WILL
I can't believe your penpal is a convicted felon.
GRACE
I can't believe you opened my mail.
WILL
Grace, get over it. You steal my Gay Monthly magazine.
GRACE
Only for the fashion tips. This is personal.
WILL
How come you're writing to convicts anyway?
There aren't enough law abiding men for you to hit on?
GRACE
A woman came to my office. She said she was trying to recruit people to write to people in prison. To help rehabilitate them. That's how I started writing to Hal.
WILL
Hal? Your prison penpal?
GRACE
Yeah. Harold Devoto. But he likes me to call him Hal.
WILL
Harold Devoto? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh please God, he's not Harold 'Heavy Hands' Devoto, is he?
GRACE
You know Hal? Isn't he a pussycat?
WILL
Pussycat? Grace, 'Heavy Hands Devoto' was one of the most notorious armed bank robbers of the last decade. Don't tell me you didn't know that?
GRACE
Hal told me he got into trouble working out some 'issues' from his childhood.
WILL
He worked out these childhood 'issues' by entering a bank, going up to the teller with a 12 gauge and yelling 'Give me all your money or I'll blow your frigging head off' - is that what you're saying?
GRACE
Robbing banks doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.
WILL
I hate to drag you back through the Looking Glass, Alice. But, yes. It does.
Didn't you suspect something when his nickname's 'Heavy Hands'?
GRACE
I thought it was because he retained water in his fingers.
WILL
I see. Not because he uses his fists to pummel everyone in authority who crosses his path. Grace, this man mugged his childhood friends in Kindergarten for rusk money.
GRACE
There's no need to get so uptight about it. It's not as if we've ever going to meet.
Hal's in the fifth year of a 20 year sentence.
WILL
Let's be grateful for small mercies.
INT. CLOTHES SHOP, NYC.
JACK ENTERS SHOP. WALKS UP TO SALES CLERK, CLARENCE, A SNOOTY ENGLISH TYPE.
JACK
Hi. I'd like to return these pants and get a refund.
CLARENCE
I see. And what exactly is wrong with the pants?
JACK
They're a little tight around the waist.
CLARENCE
Are you sure sir hasn't gained a little weight since he purchased the item?
JACK
You saying I'm fat?
CLARENCE
Oh far be it from me to pass judgement on sir's physical condition. But yes, I am.
JACK
Hmm. Need a witty comeback. I'm not fat. Damn! That was lame.
CLARENCE
I'm sorry, sir. We don't give refunds.
JACK
I'm a customer. I have rights.
CLARENCE
Not in this shop. We can hardly be held responsible if customers insist on stuffing their fat ugly faces with greasy fast food and sugary candies.
JACK
But I want a ---
CLARENCE
No.
JACK
But ---
CLARENCE
No.
JACK
(GRUNTS)
CLARENCE
No. Good day, sir. Mind on the way out the door doesn't hit you on your emormous arse.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING. LAUNDRY ROOM.
GRACE IS FILLING THE DRIER. JACK PERCHES ON THE MACHINE DANGLING HIS LEGS.
JACK
And then this snooty English type looks down his supercilious nose and says 'mind the door doesn't hit you on your enormous arse.'
GRACE
Arse? What's an arse?
JACK
It's British for butt.
GRACE
That SOB. What did you say?
JACK
Nothing. I left like a scolded dog, dragging my tail behind me. English accents always intimidate me. I don't have an enormous butt, do I, Grace? Do I? Do I?
GRACE
No, Jack. You have a fine booty.
JACK
Thanks, Grace. You too. Though when are you going to grow boobies? Puberty's really taking it's time kicking in with you, huh?
GRACE
They may be small but they're perfectly formed.
JACK
You keep telling yourself that, Grace. May be one day it'll be true.
GRACE
What are you going to do about the pants?
JACK
Keep them I guess. I can't go back for another whupping.
GRACE
You should take Karen along. I've seen her reduce a waitress to tears just for putting two olives in her martini.
(MIMICS KAREN) Honey, what's this? If I wanted two olives in my booze I'd visit the Betty Ford Clinic.'
JACK
That was so like Karen! I'll do Will.
(MIMICS WILL) Hi, I'm Will Truman. My head's too big for my body and I'm gonna need plugs real soon.'
GRACE
Do me! Do me!
JACK
Hi, I'm Grace Adler. I have no boobies and can't find a man no matter how hard I try.'
GRACE
Nothing like me. This is me. 'Hi, I'm Grace Adler, and I'm about to stuff Jack McFarlane's fool head in a drier.'
GRACE STUFFS JACK'S FOOL HEAD IN A DRIER.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL AND GRACE ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH WATCHING BUFFY - THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ON TV.
WILL
I don't get this show. Buffy's meant to be the one slayer in all the world.
So why do all the vampires hang out in Sunnydale? Wouldn't it make more sense if they went somewhere where there wasn't a homicidal blonde superbitch waiting to stake them?
GRACE
I like Willow, the lez. She's so freeking hot!
WILL
It's been a while since you've been with a man, hasn't it?
GRACE
Fair point.
WILL
I like Xander. Chunky body, bad hair, big feet.
GRACE
No, that's Tara, Willow's lez lover.
WILL
Oh right. I wondered about the man breasts.
NEWSFLASH ON TV
TV
Breaking news. Harold 'Heavy Hands' Devoto broke out of a secure penal facility today.
Devoto, serving 20 years for armed robbery with menaces, is said to be extremely dangerous.
The public are advised not to approach Devoto but contact federal authorities immediately.
We return you to your regularly scheduled programmes.
WILL
(BEAT) Grace, please tell me your new penpal doesn't know what you look like.
GRACE
I may have sent him one or two photographs of me.
WILL
One or two?
GRACE
One or two dozen.
WILL
What the hell were you thinking?
GRACE
He said I looked nice. Especially in lingerie.
WILL
You sent a convicted felon, serving 20 years, pictures of you wearing lingerie?
GRACE
Tasteful pictures. I was hardly showing any nipple at all.
WILL
Grace, this man hasn't had sex with a woman for 5 years. Do the words 'red rag to a bull' mean anything to you?
GRACE
Aren't prisoners allowed conjugal visits?
WILL
Yes. Yes, they are. But only if they're married. Hence the term conjugal.
GRACE
I did a stupid thing, didn't I?
WILL
The only thing stupider would be for you to send him a video of you naked.
GRACE
I didn't do that.
WILL
I'm relieved to hear it.
GRACE
I couldn't find a blank tape.
INT. CLOTHES SHOP, NYC.
JACK AND KAREN.
JACK
I want you to tear this guy a new one, Karen. Show no mercy.
KAREN
Leave it me, hon. I'll have this creep eating out my hand.
CLARENCE
Can I help, madam? And -- oh, it's you. Mr Tushy.
KAREN
Hi, sparky. Me and my fruit friend here are returning some pants.
Whether you like it or not.
CLARENCE
Store policy. No refunds.
KAREN
You sure got some nerve. What's that on your top lip? My maid Rosario can grow a better mustache than that. In a day.
CLARENCE
Very droll.
KAREN
You want droll? What's with the hair, Rogaine boy?
Last time I saw something that pink and shiny it was being yanked out a womb and slapped.
CLARENCE
No refunds.
KAREN
What's that on your wrist - bacofoil?
CLARENCE
Hardly. It's a Rolex Oyster Perpetual. Limited edition.
KAREN
Limited edition down Mexacali way may be. Cheap knock off. This, honey, is a Rolex.
THRUSTS WRIST UNDER C'S NOSE
KAREN
75,000 clams. Park Avenue, not Wetback Avenue. 24 carats.
I had to dodge Stan's carrot for a month for this puppy.
JACK
Karen, let's leave. It's not working.
KAREN
Hold your horses there, fruit fly. We're not leaving till we get your - how much?
JACK
200 dollars.
KAREN
200 bucks? Jeez, honey. Stan's pants cost 200 a stitch.
CLARENCE
If you don't leave I will call security and have them deposit you both on the sidewalk.
KAREN
Sidewalk? Hang on a cotton picking minute there, sparky. The english don't call it the sidewalk. They call it the pavement.
CLARENCE
Er, right. That's what I meant. The pavement.
KAREN
Hmmm. Tell me this - whereabouts does the Queen of England buy her jewelry?
CLARENCE
I...don't know.
KAREN
Aspreys, Bond Street.
Who is Prince Charles's latest squeeze? Woman looks like a horse?
CLARENCE
I...don't know.
KAREN
Camilla Parker-Bowles.
Where can you score Quualudes on a Saturday night in old London town?
CLARENCE
I.....
KAREN
Piccadilly Circus. Ask for Nigel the narc.
CLARENCE
Aright! I admit it. I'm not English. My name's not Clarence. I'm a phoney.
My name's Bennie Berkowitz. I live with my mom in Queens.
I'll give you the 200 dollars - plus a free pair of pants if you'll just please leave.
KAREN
Bennie, hon, you pitiful sad sack of a man, you got yourself a deal.
JACK AND KAREN EXCHANGE HIGH FIVES.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
GRACE ENTERS
GRACE
Any news on the tv? Omigod!
WILL IS GAGGED AND TIED TO A CHAIR. HAL 'HEAVY HANDS' DEVOTO STANDS BESIDE HIM.
HAL IS THICKSET AND MENACING. THINK RAY LIOTTA ON STEROIDS.
HAL
Hello, Grace. You look just like your pictures.
GRACE
Hal? What are you doing here?
HAL
I've come for you, Grace. I couldn't get those photographs you sent me out of my mind.
WILL STRUGGLES
GRACE
Will, enough already. Even with a gag in your mouth I can hear you saying 'I told you so'.
Hal, you've got to untie Will. He chafes easily.
HAL
No can do, babe. I'm going to chop your boyfriend into little pieces and feed them to the fishes.
GRACE
Will's not my boyfriend. He's gay.
HAL
Nice try.
GRACE
Hel - lo! Does this look like a straight guy's apartment to you?
Pictures of nude men on the walls, crepe pans, copies of Cosmo all neatly indexed?
HAL
Now that you mention it it does seem kinda fruity.
GRACE
Kinda? It's queerer than Christmas.
HAL
Ok. The gag can come off.
HAL UNDOES WILL'S GAG.
WILL
Hal, listen to me. It's not too late. I can help you. I'm a lawyer.
HAL
I hate lawyers.
WILL
Did I say lawyer? I meant carpenter.
I love the feel of wood in my hands, in so many ways...
KAREN ENTERS
KAREN
Hey, Grace. Wilma.
HAL
Karen? Is that you?
KAREN
Why it can't be - Harry Devoto?
HAL AND KAREN HUG
KAREN
Long time no see. Put on a bit of weight, hon. Here. There. And everywhere.
Hell, honey, you're a Beatles tune set to flab!
GRACE
(HISSES) Karen, he's an escaped convict!
HAL
So, Karen, I hear you're married now? Hook a juicy one?
KAREN
The juiciest, honey. Loaded and with a dodgy ticker. It's a marriage made in heaven but consumated in hell.
GRACE
You two know each other?
HAL
Sure. Karen used to be Davey the shiv's moll.
GRACE
You were a moll? People called you Karen the moll? To your face?
KAREN
Honey, it's the oldest story in the book.
Boy meets girl.
Girl becomes moll.
Boy says we gotta lie low.
Girl says it's better if I'm on top.
WILL
Davey the shiv? I'm guessing he wasn't a nice jewish boy who loved his mom?
HAL
The shiv was Davey's weapon of choice.
KAREN
I haven't thought of Davey in years. How is the old softie?
HAL
Serving 30 to life in Rikers. Armed robbery with menaces.
WILL
The old softie.
KAREN
When you see him, tell him love and kisses from Karen.
HAL
I'm not going back. Once I've sliced and diced this guy, Grace and I are heading south of the border.
KAREN
You're going on the lam? That takes me back. Life on the edge.
Never knowing where your next hi ball was coming from.
GRACE
South of the border? Mexico? I can't live in Mexico. The heat, the flies, the food.
Will, tell him Mexican food brings me out in hives.
HAL
Grace, every since you sent me that picture of you in a peekaboo bra, I can't get you out of mind. Marry me, and I'll carve your name in blood all the way to Tiajuana.
GRACE
Marry you? Oh my. This is all so sudden.
WILL
Grace...
GRACE
Shush, Will. No one ever proposed to me before. Give me a moment.
WILL
Grace, you can't be serious. He's a homicidal maniac - no offense.
GRACE
Hal, I've decided. I --
LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.
FBI
This is the FBI! The building's surrounded, Devoto. Give yourself up.
HAL
The Feds! They'll never take me. I'll kill you all first.
HAL'S EYES ROLL TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AND HE COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR.
KAREN HAS SANDBAGGED HIM WITH A BLACKJACK.
GRACE
Karen! What did you do?
KAREN
Just a little tap on the noggin with a blackjack, Grace.
Nothing to get your panties in a twist over.
WILL
You carry a blackjack in your purse?
KAREN
Sure, honey. If Stan gets too frisky - bop! - nighty night, sweetums, see you in the morning.
WILL
Karen, I never thought I'd say this, but your freaky sex toy has saved my life. Thank you.
KAREN
You're welcome, honey. You need a hand with the ropes?
WILL
Please.(BEAT) Uh, Karen, you're tightening the knots.
KAREN
Shush, Wilma. Karen knows what she's doing.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. A DAY OR TWO LATER.
WILL AND GRACE ARE ON THE COUCH. WILL IS MASSAGING GRACE'S FEET.
IT'S A COSY, BUCOLIC SCENE.
WILL
So Hal's back behind bars?
GRACE
Yup. Doing an extra 20 years.
WILL
You'll be nearly 70 when he gets out. Think you'll hook up?
GRACE
Nah. I'll be in Florida then. Playing mah-jong and scooping my butt off the floor.
WILL
You weren't seriously going to say yes when he proposed?
GRACE
Will, I was so caught up in the excitement of the moment who the hell knows.
WILL
Grace the moll. Has a certain ring to it.
JACK ENTERS. HE'S DANCING AND SINGING JAMES BROWN'S 'PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG'.
JACK
Check it out. Papa's got brand new pants! Papa's got brand new pants!
JACK BENDS DOUBLE AND STICKS HIS TUSHY IN THE AIR.
HIS PANTS SPLIT UP THE SEAM.
WILL
Looks like Papa's gonna need brand new brand new pants.
***
THE END
Enjoy the script? Let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk
Or post a review at fanfiction.net
And check out my other scripts and stories.
***