Hey hey. I know The Crown came out not so long ago, but I was rereading The One and I got so many feels. So, I decided to write about if the rebel attack hadn't happened. Enjoy!

I knew I had lost. I don't think anyone would be able to empathize what I was feeling, the hopelessness and the emptiness in my chest, where it was filled with warm love just this morning. The butterflies in my stomach had been replaced by a familiar gnawing, like karma was eating at me from the inside out. It wasn't only a competition I lost; it was my love, my dignity, my future. It was over from the moment Maxon got on one knee and proposed to Kriss. She beamed and shouted yes almost immediately after he asked.

I was happy for her, but that was overshadowed by the thought of what could have happened, if Aspen hadn't been in front of my room this morning. I stayed close to Celeste as everybody mingled in the Great Room, some closing off bets on who would win the Selection.

I caught the king's gleaming eyes, and as he saw me, he sneered. I urged myself to stay strong, yet there were tears balancing on the edge of my lashes. Then I looked at the queen, her face full of pity and sympathy for me.

She started to make her way towards us, but stopped in her tracks as the newly-engaged couple was quicker. Their hands were laced together, and it felt like a blow to my heart. All four of the other girls in our small group smiled at them, then gave a sideways glance to me, wondering if I was okay. Kriss was giddy with excitement, and when Maxon looked at me, something in me snapped, like a sudden realization that this was all happening. He quickly tore his gaze from me and with a forced smile, he kissed Kriss' hand.

Maxon, that's supposed to be us. You, me, we made plans. We had a whole future together.

With outstretched arms, Kriss started hugging everyone in the circle, and when she got to me, she whispered in my ear, "Are you okay?"

I nodded, though I could feel my throat constricting and a tear sliding down my cheek. I smiled and brushed it away, hoping nobody would see it. "Yeah," I told her. My voice was thick with regret and desperation. "I'll be fine."

She patted my arm with a princess's grace and moved on to Elise. Then the girls started to embrace Maxon and give him their congratulations. First, Anna, then Ashley. Celeste was next, then it would be me, and I couldn't bear the thought of wanting someone so bad I couldn't have. She stalled for me, giving me a chance to slip away. I took it and announced, "I...I've got to go to the bathroom."

Before I left, Maxon stilled and looked at me. For a moment, I lost myself in him, we were frozen and stuck in time. No one else mattered to me but him. With silent eyes, he begged for me to stay, but I shook my head. Please don't do this, Maxon. Please don't break me even more.

I turned away and moved around people until I walked through the tall open doors that led to the main hall. I went around a corner, and when I made sure it was empty there, I hiked up the skirt of my full dress and ran to the nearest bathroom. I slammed the door shut, locked it, and leaned against the wall. I covered my mouth and let the tears rush with earnest.

I love him. I love Maxon and I want him so much, to feel his lips touch mine just once more, to see him reserve a special smile for me just another time. I hated the world for throwing us out of line, and for him for not trying harder. No, but it's really all my fault. If I had just told him before we slept yesterday, if I had told him before he left today, or frankly, right when Aspen got here.

Maxon, you made me feel like we were only a boy and a girl with each other. You didn't make me feel like a nobody five, and you weren't a prince to me. You were just you, and I was just me. You made me fall in love with you. I don't want to fall out of it. I cried so hard that I wouldn't be able to recognize myself in the mirror. By the end of it all, I was producing dry sobs that I forgot had any meaning in them.

A knock at the door suddenly sounded and I lifted my head up slightly.

"Lady America?" Aspen's voice was muffled, but I could tell it was him. "Are you okay in there?" he asked.

I slowly controlled my breathing and composed myself, opening up the door. I walked out and saw him standing there, so courageous in his uniform. His chest puffed with sadness as he took in my swollen red eyes and mascara stains.

"Aren't you supposed to be at your post?" was all I asked in a stuffed up voice.

"Yeah, but I told Markson I would be looking after you. Make sure you aren't hurt, you know."

My breath caught in my throat as another kind of pain rushed through me. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around him, and after a second of hesitation, he hugged me back. We stayed there like that.

"When's my family going to be here?" I asked him quietly.

"I'm not sure, Mer," he returned.

He was like home, the only thing here that reminded me of Carolina. Carolina, where we spent stolen nights in the treehouse, where May and I used to ride our worn-down bicycles along the streets, where dad painted his art in the studio and give his pieces to me for my birthday. Dad…

Suddenly, I felt small in the palace, like I didn't belong here anymore. That started a new surge of feelings in me and I started to cry again.

"I want daddy," I whined. "He makes everything better." And for the first time since his death, I felt the full impact of it. He would never comfort me again and tell me all the good things I wanted to hear about Maxon.

"I want daddy," I cried again. "I want daddy."

I started to make the shoulder padding of Aspen's uniform damp with my tears as I shook where I stood. He ran a hand up and down my back, comforting me. "It's okay, Mer. You can cry. It's okay."

"Daddy was supposed to be here. He was supposed to walk me down the...aisle. He was supposed to give me away. He didn't even finish that painting. I hate this so much..." I sobbed into his shoulder and tightened my grip around him.

"Aspen, I hate it because I miss him so much. I need him."

He didn't say anything, but instead, held me while I let it all out. "I love him," I told him. "I love him, and it hurts so damn much." We both knew I wasn't talking about my father anymore. "I love Maxon. He's been there for me the whole time and I can't tell him one stupid thing. It's all my fault. All my…"

My words slurred together as I coughed and recomposed myself. Finally, after a few seconds, I asked him, "How did this even happen?"

He continued rubbing my back and avoided my question. "Here's what I tell you. The prince and I both have something in common, and that is we're both extremely stupid for letting the best girl in the world go. You are wonderful, Mer. You're strong, compassionate, and everything any girl would want to be, and if he can't see that, then he's blind. Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life, and because you're America Singer, I know it's his too. He loved you, and it's obvious he still does."

I felt another tear slip out as Aspen's hand stopped moving and he tensed up. "He's here, Mer," he whispered to me.

I let go of Aspen and slowly turned. Maxon stood there rigidly, hurt displayed in his eyes, but something in them softened as he saw me.

"I'll leave you to it. Take care of yourself," Aspen said. "Make sure she's safe," I heard him say to Maxon when he passed by, to which he coldly mumbled back, "Always."

Then it was just the two of us.

He looked at me and simply said, "You were with him again."

"Maxon, please don't make this worse than it already is." My voice cracked.

"Were you ever going to tell me about him?" was all he asked.

"Yes, this morning I was, but then you started talking about...us, and I forgot."

"America, you can't forget to say something for months. And in that time, I realized that I...I loved you, and while that was happening, you were sneaking away with some other man."

"It was never like that!" I tried to reason, feeling new tears biting at me. "You are the only one I want, Maxon Schreave. I love you, and I wish you could see that I didn't want him anymore. I'm so sorry I couldn't be better. I'm so sorry for everything I did, but I love you."

He drew his hand up to his face, then back down again.

"I know." He grew regretful. "That's why I came to find you."

My head felt heavy with dread, and I could read it in him, too. Something was different. He walked up to me, and it was like deja vu, bringing me back to this morning. He unexpectedly closed his eyes and said, "I want to tell you I'm really sorry and I forgive you. I can see he means something different to you. I was being irrational this morning and look where it's landed us. I wish I could redo everything that happened, but I can only do so much."

I looked at him and felt want filling me up. He led us to the nearby bench, his hand on my lower back, guiding me. I took this as a good sign, and because of my natural instincts, I curled up next to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

"He's right, you know," he said after a bit.

"What?"

"I'm stupid for letting you go. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world."

I didn't say anything for a while. "But you chose Kriss."

He was quiet again as he thought up an answer.

"I realize it now that I would be happy with her, but I would be so much happier with you. This is never going to happen, but I...I want you back, America Singer. I love you." He looked me straight in the eye as he said that so that I could know he meant it with all that he was.

"You can't…"

"I know, I know. But just for a moment, can we imagine that I did? What would our future have looked like?"

There was a long stretch of silence while I contemplated if I should answer. Finally, I said, "Strawberry tarts. Lots and lots of them. And we would have lazy Saturday mornings where I would go downstairs to the kitchen and you'd be sitting at the table next to the stove. And you'd be playing with our kids while I would be making pancakes just for our family."

The last part came out as a whisper as the tears slipped out for what I wouldn't have with him.

"And we'd have peanut butter fingerprints on our desks," he added, looking at me with remorse.

I smiled, but it hurt. "And that. And we would have lots of presents for our kids and my sister's during Christmas. There would be a warm fire, and your family, my family, and ours would be spending the holidays like that."

"That would have been perfect."

"It would have been."

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it :)