Disclaimer
fact nothing is mine. The title is a song by Gloria Estefan and the
program in the holodeck is based on the estuary by my house!
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Always wanted and neededDon't wanna loose you
It's strange how empty a life can feel, no matter how much you try and fill it up it stays empty. On the outside I suppose my life looks full of meaning, getting people home is usually a task that could fill anybody's void. I suppose I should count myself as lucky, I mean I've got up to date technology, I've got a crew any Captain would die for.
They're loyal, hard-working, honest, compared to other crews down in the history books the crew of Voyager are saints. Yes we've had our problems, arguments, threats but what crew doesn't? No, it's not the crew I'm unhappy with. It's not really our situation either, ok so it isn't exactly every Captain's dream to get stuck in an unknown quadrant but considering the possible outcomes we're not doing too badly. Everybody's happy and hopeful, friends are being made, lovers coming together, not to mention a very noticeable population boom among certain decks. I should consider myself as lucky.
And yet, I'm still standing here, as I often do, wondering about the whole meaninglessness of it. I'm walking along the footpath up on the sea wall, the sea is lapping down somewhere to the right to me and to the left there are endless green and yellow fields. Don't ask me why I created this program , I suppose I wanted to create just a normal day on Earth, the weather is slightly sunny with a few clouds and a slightly strong wind blowing. I like it here, it's just so blessedly normal, no technology, no other species, not even other people. I suppose I can't really call it normal, my normal life is very different from this one, but I guess old habits die hard and I will always call this normal.
I sometimes wonder why I feel like my life is meaningless, I know the answer full well but I still ask myself sometimes. It's love, what's the use of a perfect crew, a challenge, if you have no-one to share it with. I long to walk into my cabin and just be able to sit with a glass of wine and talk to someone about my day. I have my plans for the future, a simpler scheme than this. I want love, I want someone to be interested in me, I want someone to see past the Captains mask without my help. If this was all that was wrong then I'd still be fine, I could hope. If I was hoping for love then I could get through the day, it's the fact that I've found love and still it's beyond my grasp that gets to me.
I wonder if he knows how I feel? That amazing good looking tanned man that haunts my thoughts so often. But this is more than physical attraction, I'm sure of it, I've found my true love, I have found my soul mate and I'm too scared to tell him. Yes me, Captain Kathryn Janeway, the famous, hot-headed stubborn Captain who is frequently rushing into situations without thinking, some people call it bravery, I generally call it stupidity. This great Captain can't even tell someone she loves him.
Why would he want me anyway? My image is hardly a very sexy one is it? A run down middle aged Captain, maybe that works with men who like to feel dominated but I know Chakotay is not one of them. I've never thought I was beautiful, ok maybe, but certainly not anywhere near beautiful or pretty. I'm hard to get on with, I act in charge. The more I think about it the more convinced I am that he couldn't ever love me the way I love him.
If this was someone else I could give advice, maybe even help. But now all my rational thoughts are out the window, or the voyager equivalent, my words stick in my throat and choke me. Who would have thought three little words could be so hard to say, I love him. I scream it in my head over and over but on the outside the words die before they have reached my lips. I love him, I need him, I want him so badly. I try and kid myself about protocols but it hasn't stopped anyone else, why me? I'm afraid, I'm so dependant on his friendship, I can't live without him, I don't want to loose him.
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I can finally see her, she's walking quite a way off from me, striding along deep in thought. It doesn't matter, I can wait, she obviously has a lot of thinking to do. Why am I in here? What do I think I'm going to do when we finally come face to face? I don't know what strange impulse made me come into the holo-deck after her. I was mildly surprised by the program, I would have thought she would have preferred something with a little more excitement. Yet another mystery about Kathryn for me to try and figure out.
I've been trying to figure out Kathryn for a long time now, I always get the feeling that my job would be one hell of a lot easier if she would just let that mask slip occasionally. I think that is one reason why I am here today, she's been making mistakes recently, slipping up. I've been seeing flashes of her emotion all over the place, and the things I have seen have worried me more than I could ever admit. I wish I knew what was wrong, what keeps her up at night, what makes her cry. I want to know everything about her if she would just let me. I want to know how to make her smile, how to make her laugh.
Don't you think it's kind of funny I'm in this position. I've been intoxicated by one women, she's entangled herself into my brain, everything reminds me of her. I can't turn a corner without thinking of her. I've tried to stop thinking about her, I've spent many hours in meditation desperately trying to think of something, anything else. It's not that I want to stop thinking of her, it's just so hard on me when I don't think she feels the same. I want to wake up next to her every morning, I want to fall asleep in her arms every night, but the longer time goes on the further away my dream seems to be.
I want to protect her from everything that tries to hurt her, I try now but she doesn't appreciate my interference. But I have to interfere, I'm the only one who can see how badly wounded she is. She pretends that her armour is invincible and only dents, but it doesn't, I can see the things that pierce the fragile armour and wound her deep inside. Every time she is hurt, physically or emotionally, I feel her pain, does she realise I feel her pain? I feel it and I want to save her from it if only she would let me.
I feel so empty inside without her love, she scares me sometimes, I get insanely jealous over stupid little things. I wish I knew what her love would feel like. I want to hold her and make her believe she's the most beautiful women in the world. She doesn't believe she is beautiful, I believe she is but every time I try to tell her the words stick in my throat.
I wish I could tell her all of this, I wish it was that easy. I'm scared of what she might say or do, she might cut me dead from her and I couldn't live without her. I need her, I want her, I love her. I can't loose her.
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Kathryn slowly walked her way back down the path, the sky was darkening with clouds as she knew it would. That was her signal that she had been in her program for half an hour. She was almost on top of him when she saw him, her breath instantly caught in her throat. For a minute she didn't believe he was real, but when she looked again he was still there, sitting on the sand staring out into the sea.
Chakotay heard the small gasp and knew Kathryn had found him, the sea had started crashing against the shore and the first fat rain drops began to fall. He still didn't know what to say.
"Chakotay." Kathryn had to raise her voice to speak over the growing wind, she suddenly wondered what had possessed her to program in a thunderstorm. She slipped her way down to where Chakotay was looking up at her. "Do you want me to delete the program?" She asked when she unceremoniously landed next to him.
Chakotay shook his head, "I like thunderstorms," He looked out at the great rollers in the ocean, at least five times the size of him. The rain started coming down in torrents, streaming down his face and into his eyes.
Kathryn shivered and instinctively moved closer towards his warmth, Chakotay automatically put an arm round her. "What are you doing here?" She asked.
Chakotay tried to remember what he was going to say, all his carefully planned little speeches that ended up with him and Kathryn making love together. "I was going to say something." He said eventually.
Kathryn raised one eyebrow. "Well what was it? Don't tell me we're sitting freezing our butts off for nothing." She suddenly yelped as an icy cold raindrop dripped down her back.
Chakotay held her tighter. "I had so much planned that I wanted to say to you and now…"
"The words have just died in your throat." Kathryn finished for him, she laughed a little sadly. "I have that problem quite often."
Chakotay looked at her. "Do you ever feel lonely Kathryn?" It had been a long while since he had called her by her first name, he wondered how she would react. She seemed to accept it, which surprised him. "Do you ever want someone to hold you, someone to need you?"
"Someone to ask how your day was," Kathryn's eyes looked infinitely sad and resigned. "Yes I'm lonely Chakotay, but love doesn't exactly just turn up when you need it most." She sighed. "Are you lonely Chakotay?"
"Yes," Chakotay unthinkingly supplied the answer, "Yes I'm lonely," He turned his face into Kathryn's hair and closed his eyes for a second, drinking in the smell of her. All around them the summer thunderstorm raged, the wind howled and the rain fell, the sea crashed and roared.
"Do you love anyone Chakotay?" Kathryn asked, immediately she regretted it, she didn't want to know the answer.
"Yes I do," What was he saying? After all his deliberations why was he doing this? He felt Kathryn flinch ever so slightly.
"Who?" Why was she doing this to herself? Hadn't she had enough torture. Chakotay didn't say anything.
"I love her more than life itself," He said eventually, "I want to protect her, I want to help her through the bad times and smile with her through the good. But I can't seem to tell her how I feel because….well because…"
"Because you're scared of loosing them," Kathryn gazed out into the sea, barely knowing what she was saying. "You love them so much it hurts but you're so scared of loosing them you bottle it up, because you depend on them so much."
Chakotay looked at her in surprise. "Yes," He whispered softly, "That's why." Kathryn looked back up at him.
He was struck by her, her simple dress was soaked through and clung to her like a second skin, her hair had come loose and hung about her face. She wasn't wearing any makeup, she suddenly looked so vulnerable and pure.
Kathryn stared at Chakotay like she could never stop. He looked just like any other man, not a commander, not a part of the ship Voyager. But this man was special, his simple trousers and shirt touching her more than his uniform ever could.
"Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful Kathryn?" Chakotay stroked her wet face.
"I don't ever want to loose you Chakotay." Kathryn said softly, reaching up and catching his hand, enfolding it in hers.
"You'll never loose me Kathryn, I want to be with you forever." Chakotay pulled her closer to him. The torrential rain fell around them, the wind caught Kathryn's hair and whipped it behind her. Chakotay thought she had never looked so free.
"Say it Chakotay," Kathryn placed a hand on his chest, "Don't let the words stick in your throat."
"I love you Kathryn." The words left his lips so easily he wondered what had ever stopped them.
Kathryn smiled. "I love you too Chakotay."
Their lips melded together as if they had never been apart. They explored each other, they let themselves give in.
They're not going to loose each other.
The End