WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, WHAT COULD STILL BE
" Three arrested for suspected drug use, famous actor, one of the suspects."
" Actor-model arrested for drug use."
" Crown Prince' faces charges, leaves courthouse."
'MBC drops actor, cancels all projects."
" Goong Actor fined 360,000 won, to do community service."
She snapped shut her laptop and sighed. He is everywhere. His disgrace for all the nation's eyes to see. For the first time, she felt a pang of loss for what might have been.
Picking up her mobile phone, she dialed a number she thought she had forgotten, giving a quick prayer that he hadn't changed it.
After a few rings, she got the operator's message. Phone unattended.
Darn… She'll probably lose her nerve the next time.
Resignedly, she sat down on her bed, still fighting an inner battle on what to do.
The news had affected her more than she cared to admit. She taught she had left it all behind. They had agreed to leave it all behind. Unbidden, her gaze strayed on her bedside drawer, on the bottom part. She opened it with hesitant fingers, knowing perfectly well what she would find under the lace handkerchiefs she had carefully folded.
Her fingers touched fur. Alfred.
With another long drawn sigh, she pulled his compact body forward, bringing into her view a furry face she had not seen in five years. She stroked his cap of shorn fur and let the gates of memories open.
By all standards, the drama was a success. The second highest rating show for the year. The post drama parties were extravagant. The food and the wine flowed. The cast and crew, with a mixture of jubilation and sadness partook of their shared victory.
She watched everything with a sad heart. Everyone congratulated their partnership. Their careers were made almost overnight. Scripts started arriving on their respective doorsteps after a month. Everybody is saying, they could have their pick of any director or any script that would propel them to more success.
And yet, as she sipped her wine and looked at the merriment before her, all she could think of is how she hated for things to end. She had come to love these people. She had come to cherish coming to the set. She lived for the days when everybody would put their feet up and share a bowl of ramen after a particularly hard day. Most of all, she had gotten used to seeing someone everyday that she felt like something is being broken inside her.
Gentle fingers ruffled her hair and with a start she turned around. Laughing eyes met hers and she had to smile.
" What's with the long face, S?"
Brushing his fingers aside she turned back to look at the party before her.
" Leave me alone, S." she said this softly, it was not meant as a rebuff. Just a request to be left as is.
" Ouch. It's our last night, no droopy faces allowed. PD said so. Come on, don't be such as spoilsport." He tugged her hands, but she fully turned and looked at him. His smile faded as she saw something infinitely sad in her eyes.
He sighed and leaned against the wall, imitating her earlier position.
" I know, S." His head was down as she glanced at him.
" So, where are you off to?" she asked after a pause. Desperate to quell the somber atmosphere.
" A few days rest, then a sit down meeting with the management. Just like yours." He replied, looking at her, as if he too would like to memorize her face.
She nodded. She knew this already. Snapping out of it, she straightened and extended her hand.
" This is goodbye then, Shin.." she smiled awkwardly at the slip.
He grasped hers and nodded. They looked at each other for more than a heartbeat. Then with a soft expletive he pulled her close in a tight hug.
Tears stung her eyes and she had to blink. She nodded and patted his back.
" Take care, do you hear? Don't get sick again. Stop getting skinnier." She admonished, hearing his soft chuckle. When he didn't speak she drew back and looked at him.
"I'll never forget this time, you know."
Again he nodded. It wasn't what he wanted to hear, but he knew it was hopeless to wish otherwise.
He squeezed her hand, tweaked her nose just as she hated and smiled.
" Don't work too hard, S. Savor everything." Then with a small salute, he turned and left.
She brushed the stupid tears away after turning her back on the crowd. Embarrassed that somebody might see, she wiped her eyes, when suddenly a hand on her shoulder made her start.
He came back, extending something to her.
Through the blur of tears she looked at the small figure in his hands.
Alfred.
She smiled.
" He was getting left behind in all this. Figured you could give him a more stable home than me."
She grasped the teddy bear who bore witness to their partnership of nine months, accepting his parting gift.
" If anybody looks for him, I'll tell them he is with her mistress." He grinned.
" Yeah. Because his master is now too famous to take care of him." His eyes widened indignantly but he knew that the words were empty.
" Don't worry. I'll come back for him. Someday."
He never did.
Life moved on after Goong. Just as everyone predicted, their respective careers took off. She had two successful series afterwards, with a seemingly never ending list of CF to do. Her manager became the threshold between chaos and work.
She became a superstar at the age of 22.
She did not heed his words, for she worked too hard. So hard that she had to force herself to stop and take two years off from working crazy hours. The headaches became more frequent, and nothing felt right.
She made commercials for two years, appearing just long enough to sustain interest, and yet gaining enough time for herself.
When she felt that she had recovered somewhat, when the wind had settled, she accepted a new project amidst huge media speculation. My Fair Lady was her big comeback. Touted as the year's future hit, it was destined to remind everyone that her success as a teenager princess was no fluke.
Endless press conferences and publicity deals had to be done. All through this, life at the other end of the spectrum continued for him. He too, reaped the success of Goong, doing one series after another and even venturing into movies.
In the intervening years, they have met a few times. In the occasional TV jaunt, the yearly Baeksang awards, but their interaction was brief, awkward and minimal. Both accepted the fact that they are now leading different lives.
My Fair Lady bombed. Critics, particularly netizens were harsh. She had to struggle to continue after a few episodes. She was "miscast", the script was horrible, there was no chemistry among the leads and so on. Her loyal fans rallied to her side and she was moved. And yet deep inside she knew and she made herself accept that it wasn't anywhere near as good as her major break. Perhaps nothing ever will be.
During the recent months, thoughts of him would suddenly pop on her head. They would occur during her unguarded moments and she started questioning the reason why. She would suddenly remember his smile. His goofy remarks and his quirky sense of humor.
" Did you two become close?" the host asked mischievously.
" At the beginning I tried getting close to her.." he replied as the studio audience laughed and she had to defend herself.
" I have always been a quiet person and so whenever he would ask something I would answer him very briefly and he just assumed that I'm aloof."
" At the start, our scenes were always about the two of us arguing so it was kind of hard for us to suddenly talk about something personal after all that."
" We filmed for seven months, but it was only during the last few weeks that we became really close."
"Ah, so when the scenes became mellow, so did the relationship between the two of you." More laughter from the audience.
Then her onscreen father interjected: " But if you look at them, they make a really cute couple. I would pass by this two backstage and you would see something happening."
Guffaws of laughter covered the embarrassment on their faces. She looked at him and saw an awkward smile mirroring her own.
Both of them knew that the host and others were not far off mark, but they also knew that they could not afford to confirm anything.
It was after a particularly intimate scene that they both felt something shift in their professional working relationship.
The temperature that day was freezing cold but they had to ignore it. It was the prince and princess' getaway and the scene required them to run barefoot in the cold sand as a steady drizzle drenched them to the skin.
After a few takes, her lips turned blue so the makeup artist had to apply another coat of lipstick until her lips felt like lead.
She had to ride his back piggy style, laugh and enjoy the moment as only a couple in love could. They had been filming nonstop for months and both have passed the awkward stage. Like their characters, the daily life they led consisted of work and constant contact.
The fifth take around the seashore was already a strain. The initial rush of filming a new sequence had faded and they simply wanted things to be over so that they could get out of the cold weather.
She could feel her senses numbing as the director made them repeat take after take. A quick peek at his face confirmed that he too was tired and drained.
"Roll!" So off she went as she climbed his back, grasping his shoulders as he hitched her legs to his waist. She knew how much effort it was to carry somebody's weight for hours.
"I'm sorry." She couldn't help but murmur as he ran. She felt him pause as he turned to look at her.
In her eyes he saw their months together. The ups and downs of filming, and suddenly he realized that she was more than just a costar. She knew exactly what he felt and how because they were experiencing things together.
He hitched her farther, jostling her all of a sudden that she slipped from her grasp. Down she fell on to the soft sand, taking him with her as the director yelled "Cut!"
Her breath got knocked out of her when he fell as well, crushing her on to the sand at her back.
Quickly he rolled over and examined her face with serious eyes.
" Hey! I'm sorry, I lost my footing when you.."
She briefly placed her finger on his lips and smiled, still lying on to her back.
"My fault." She said. He continued staring at her, making the moment stretch. Then he slowly drew a finger on her lips.
" You're cold." He said and swooped down.
The kiss was totally unexpected and both of them were startled by it. She was amazed at the warmth of her lips against hers as he felt the softness of hers against his.
Time seemed to have stood still until somebody coughed.
Obscured by the mini dune of sand where they fell, they were momentarily safe from prying eyes, but not from the camera lenses. The film director bore witness to their brief kiss.
Both scrambled to their feet and walked away. The director sensing something amiss called for a brief break.
They finished the scene in relative silence. Each contemplating what happened, but nobody dared to speak of it first. Days merged hectic one after another, giving them respite from talking about it.
And yet she could feel her feelings growing. The smallest of touches, the contact during filming, the gazes and inwardly she would flinch, because she wasn't ready for anything like this. She could not be ready for anything like it. Her years as a pop teen star had made her realize that relationships in their world rarely work and she got hurt early. She would not open herself up to anything that complicated again.
There was also the added complication that he secretly dated a cast member early on the series. It was an open secret, something that a few of the film crew knew. Nobody confirmed anything, but it was known in most of the set members that he and his onscreen " ballerina" liked hanging out after the shoot.
In her eyes, they seemed well suited. Contrary to his onscreen persona, he was not an introvert and had an innate charisma visible to others. She was a veteran of the small screen, and he was drawn to her for her confidence in handling her scenes.
She has no idea if it is anything serious, and the set was under strict orders not to make a deal out of it. After all it would not help the "romance" onscreen if the media got wind of it during the showing.
And so she found herself at a dilemma six months after the series started. Gone was the easy camaraderie that existed prior to the kiss. She became guarded, careful of her reaction when he was around, and he suddenly found himself missing the easy way they talked.
After they shot the bed scene, he approached her one late night. Everybody was exhausted, they had to work overtime because changes had to be made to the script due to the immense popularity of the show. Their beach scene garnered a very high viewer's rating, fueling the production's drive to come up with better episodes.
She was sipping tea in a quiet corner of the room after the scene while the crew packed their things. He slowly sat beside her and she paused midway. Since that kiss they had both been careful not to be too close, nor to talk about anything too personal.
He did not speak but stared ahead as cameras and klieg lights were carted off to the vans outside. The air had turned cold inside and he had on his parka.
"Here, have a sip." She offered after a pause, noting that he too must be cold.
He turned to her and looked at the cup she offered. With a slight nod, he brought the cup to his lips while her hands still held it.
She felt unsure and tensed at the surprising intimacy of the gesture and brought the cup down.
He chuckled softly and spoke. " Chickening out, stinky hair?"
The remark did not register at first, then as realization dawned in, she flushed red with embarrassment.
" You'll never let me forget this, won't you?" she rebuked and he continued to smile.
"It was such a rare occurrence that I feel I have to mark it up in my calendar."
She couldn't help it and slapped his shoulders as he burst out laughing.
" Really what happened? Woke up late this morning?" he teased.
She dropped her head on her lap and groaned. He was in one of his moods again.
" Alright! Alright! That's enough. I've been feeling really cold and unwell in the morning so I haven't washed my hair in days." She grumbled. " There, are you happy?"
When he didn't reply, she looked up to find him staring at her.
"What's wrong? Why haven't you said anything? To anyone?"
"Because it's not a big deal, ok? I don't want to delay filming. You know how PD gets…" she reasoned out.
" Bullshit. So you drag yourself to the set like this?"
Purposely misunderstanding him, she stood up.
" Fine, I'll make it a point to wash my hair from now on, ok?"
He stood up as well, towering over her.
"You know that's not what I mean." He said softly as he raised his hand.
She ducked away.
" What is it you want?" she asked softly.
After a beat. " I'm not sure. But something has changed between us and you know it too."
She walked away, looking at the dark skies outside the window. They were the only ones left on the bedroom set and she could not find it in her heart to lie.
" I know." She whispered.
" It has gotten easier between us. We have adjusted. But after that…kiss..it became difficult."
She nodded and had to ask.
" Why did you do it in the first place?"
He did not reply and she had no choice but to wait.
"Because your lips were cold and blue and I needed to warm them the best way I know how." He finally said, looking at her through a half lidded gaze.
She had to laugh. " Sort of first aid then?"
He reached out and grasped her wrist as he stood up.
" I have feelings for you." He began and her heart started a different beat. " But I know that I don't have any right to have them." The unspoken why lay out before them.
" Then don't." she contradicted, hurt. " Let's not make life complicated."
" I think it's already too late for that." He countered.
" I don't think I can accept that. " she quickly argued, looking up and meeting his eyes. " This..this thing between actors rarely work." She saw his eyebrows draw and rushed on. " Are you really willing to submit yourself to all the complications this might bring? More pressure will be brought upon us. Dating costars and all that. We will never have any moment of peace if this comes out."
"So what do you propose? Stop this right now? I don't think it's that easy."
"Listen to me. Our private lives are the only things left to us that we can value.. Do you really want to risk it for ..for something that we both are unsure of?" she pleaded for him to understand.
" Our careers are in the upswing. Once the series ends, this, constancy also ends. I don't think I have the will to go through a struggling relationship that will give the media more reason to put my life under a microscope, do you understand?"
She started pacing as she voiced out arguments she had long prepared.
" We're friends..Good friends. And I'm happy with that. If this thing ends badly, I don't want to lose that friendship because it's hard enough to come by in our line of work."
He let out a harsh groan, seeing sense in her words.
He pulled her to him and she went willingly. For once, letting him hold her without any cameras rolling or any prying eyes.
" My rational side says, this is all attachment. Like living through the characters we portray. But my heart says something different." He stroked her hair.
She wound her arms around his waist, experiencing a pang at the rightness of the gesture.
" Believe me I have talked myself rationally too." She smiled.
" It's hard to think about the fact that things are nearing the end..And that I may never see you as often. Hear you laugh, share your quietness. And your tea." They both chuckled at that.
" Yeah. It's always hard to let go of what we have gotten used to. This is especially hard because what we portray is a little close to home."
"I knew it! You really see me as a prince."
"Stupid." She laughed as they slowly lay down on the beddings used earlier.
And so they talked into the night. About each other's impression at the beginning, each other's habits that drove the other crazy (his penchant for practical jokes, her constant urge to drink tea during takes) and what they especially liked about each other.
For one night, the two costars bared their souls and realized that just like the characters they portray, they have found a kinship that transcends boundaries set by their limited worlds.
And yet, unlike their prince and princess, they are only too aware that a happy ending is not only a farfetched reality, but that at this point in their lives, it could make or break the careers they are trying to build.
" We could do it both, you know."
" Get real. Do you want the newspapers to publish every petty argument we have? Or to label this as a publicity stunt?"
" Yeah, and we can hardly demand time off from our respective management."
" It's only going to get harder for both of us."
At dawn, he kissed her for the last time and held her as tears fell on her eyes. They slept together just as Shin and Chae Gyoung did, with arms wrapped tightly around each other. If any of the crew members ever found them in such as state, nobody spoke a thing in the morning when they resumed work.
The ringing of her mobile phone abruptly ended her reverie. Dropping Alfred, she answered the call. It was her manager returning her earlier message to call her immediately.
"What's wrong?"
" I want you to contact MBC and offer them a deal." She began.
Her manager squeaked like an outraged hen at her idea and refused her flat out.
" Are you crazy? It will be career suicide to associate with that!"
"I've made up my mind. You may do it as you usually do, or I do it myself." She said, gaining courage with every word.
" How do you even know he will agree to this?" said her manager and abruptly shifted " Of course, he would agree to it! You'll practically save his life!"
"Just make the necessary arrangements and consider this. My career is in an impasse. No matter how much you gloss over it, may last drama was a flop. It didn't do me any good. This could be a good thing."
" Or it could drag you down with him. Korea is still a country that frowns upon such an infraction."
" I am aware of that, but I am not going to condemn him for slipping up. This business is hard enough as it is without people passing on their moral compasses to us to bear."
Her manager still hesitated. " With his sentence, things could be a little hard to arrange at this point. Why don't we wait a year? Or six months maybe?"
" I want it done now. Waiting isn't going to make this thing go away."
They left it at that and she sat down suddenly feeling the fight leave her. Remembering that the mobile phone is still in her hand, she hit redial.
She sat up straighter when it rang and got an answer.
" Yes?" said a voice from her past.
" Hey, S." she hesitantly said.
No reply and she regretted calling.
" Hi." Said he.
"Uhm.. Can we meet?"
" Now?" his meaning was not literal, but reflective of how he viewed his current situation.
" Yeah. Feel like taking a drive?" she rushed on.
For a second she thought he had hung up and felt relief when he spoke.
" Where are you?"
" At home."
"In the countryside?"
"Yes. Where I can breathe."
She heard him expel a breath.
"I'll be there."
She suddenly grinned like an idiot.
"Hey S… Thanks." Said he and cut the call.
It was dusk by the time a car pulled up in her driveway. She had instructed her day servants to leave the east gate open and to let it in.
She was waiting in the driveway when he pulled up.
He was taller than she remembered, she was thinner in his eyes.
Both stood facing each other in the balcony of her parents' home. Nary a man nor beast interrupting their reunion after five long years.
Then slowly a grin came to his face as he slammed his car door shut. He started walking towards her and she stepped down.
They met halfway, grinning stupidly. He suddenly snaked his arms on her waist and lifted her up, bringing her face on level with his.
She rubbed her nose with his and nuzzled his face like a kitten. He inhaled her familiar scent and felt at peace for the first time in days.
Dropping her to her toes, he took her hand and tucked it under his arm as they walked towards the patio.
" How have you been, Stinky?"
" Not good at all, Skinny.. Not good at all."
He chuckled at that and brought her hand to his lips for a brief kiss.
" So you've come to take Alfred back, huh?"
"No, I've come home to his mistress."
""Crown Prince and Crown Princess' at official function. Sets speculation."
"Korea's favorite royal couple reunite: For real or reel?"
"Goong 2 starts filming, crowds gather to support production."
" Shin and Chae Gyoung conquer odds, relive colorful lives."
" Goong 2 stars inseparable, but refuse to grant any interviews."
THE END