They fell into the same habit, but deep down both knew it was not the same anymore. They were not the same.
Their emotional bond seemed stronger, but different. As if they knew, there was something more to it. It went along as before.
There it was yet another case that threatened the firm integrity, another partner joined the firm and things were different but still same in a way. They got used to this constant fight. There was always a threat.
6 months had passed since the wedding, since Mike and Rachel left. Donna called them every week. They talked and made sure the bond was still alive.
Harvey & Mike also kept in touch. Their calls were more of a business type but occasionally they just talked. Not about case or work, but about them.
Harvey never was a type to persevere relationships outside the office, but this time he made sure they were still in each other's lives. Mike also would not give him a chance to forget that they were a family no matter a location.
Donna was quite that day. She had been thinking a lot. She felt like she was betraying Harvey.
"Hey", she leaned at the door, "can I talk to you for a second?" she said with a calm tone.
"Sure, what's up donna?"
"I don't know how to say this, so I'll just come out and say it. I am dating someone Harvey".
Harvey did not feel quite at ease talking about it. He felt like a fish out of water as usual when Donna had to tell him she was going on a date or seeing someone. He never pinned down why, but he and Donna have reached a common conclusion that it was only natural to feel that way. They even had a term for it "it bothers me". However, this time was a bit scarier. The way she said it, it made his breath fasten. Because he knew, it was serious. The way she said it, gave her away.
"My god, you started dating Louis? I thought he was in love with Sheila". He quickly changed the tone of this conversation, though he knew he could not avoid what was coming.
"Very funny" said Donna, but she was still nervous.
"What is it Donna? So who's the guy? Harvey urged her to get this out.
He is an actor; he lives in London and he was here for a play. We met that way and since then we have been dating. He's been coming here a lot and we jiggled this long distance, but it's time to make a decision for us. Long distance is not the way we can function any more.
"So, he is moving in with you isn't he? He asked dreading the answer.
No Harvey, he cannot because of his work. I think I should make the move if I want to keep this relationship, and I cannot deny I want to.
That was what Harvey did not see coming. So not only this relationship was serious, it was tearing Donna from him for good. Now the initial thought of this new guy moving in with Donna did not seem so bad at all. He was broken by her words, he felt betrayed, cheated, left, lonely, desperate, furious all at the same time. He did not know how to react. He did not know how to deal with so many emotions in his head and heart. He was lost.
"Ok donna, if that is what you want," he said with a firm tone
"Harvey it's not, I want to be able to stay here and build a relationship, but I have to choose"
"And you choose him," Harvey ended the sentence for her.
Donna knew damn well, that when Harvey had to choose, he chose her.
"I choose relationship over work, not him over you Harvey"
"I thought we had a relationship Donna" Harvey exclaimed with a frown
"Harvey, it's not what I mean and you know it."
"Why not? We drink, we flirt, we hang out, …" he sighted her words.
"Harvey it's not fair."
"It is not fair? I will tell you what is not fair. It is you telling me you are choosing some guy over us," he said approaching her with his signature intimidating tone. "You are a coward Donna, you are running away. You don't know what you want. Yesterday you wanted something "More" and it was COO position, but now it is a guy who lives across the country you met couple of months ago.
"So now I am the coward," Donna exclaimed letting her hands fly freely.
"You are running away Donna and you know it."
"From what?"
"You know what," Harvey said familiar words
Donna could not bear whatever Harvey wanted to say. Memories came crashing- confession, hope, hurt, abandonment all of those in that right order were caused by simple –"you know I love you Donna." She would not let this happen again.
"Well I don't and I am not sticking around to find out what it is you think I know."
"You are running from me" she heard him say, though she continued walking away.
Harvey felt defeated saying those words. He went home that night, poured himself a drink and set in the terrace, thinking. He was not angry any more. He was heartbroken, hopeless and with no urge to fight. That was not like him at all. "When you're backed against the wall, break the god damn thing down", his words, but they did not feel true for him this very instant. She did not love him, she did not feel anything when they kissed. How could he fight for her when he was the reason she was running away. She wanted to move away and on from him. Even if he went begging her to stay, if he opened up, how could it matter?
The coming weeks were a blur. They managed to avoid each other well. Harvey put on his famous "I don't give a shit" face and continued his daily work. Everybody seemed to buy it, but Louis knew it was just a game. He knew this was Harvey shutting down his emotions.
"Harvey", he said walking into his office and closing a door. I need to understand what is your game plan here. Are you going to stand aside and watch her walk away or this "I don't care" look is part of some greater masterplan?"
Harvey was not in the mood, but funny enough, he was not in the mood to argue either.
"Louis, there is nothing I can do. She chose for herself."
"Bullshit Harvey, you know she can never say no to you. Ask her to stay. We can figure something out. Drag on the move for a bit. She cannot seriously consider moving for a guy she barely knows."
"Louis, I can't make her stay. She has to be the one to make a decision. And she did."
Louis could see how much those words pained Harvey. This was Donna, his Donna and she was leaving him.
Even when Donna left Harvey to work for him, deep down, he knew that this could never last. It was, as if those two idiots had a cosmic pull that could never be broken. The further they would get from each other, the stronger they crashed back with each other, the stronger was the bond that that brought them back together.
"Harvey, can I ask you a question?"
"I think we are past asking for the permission Louis".
"Do you love Donna? No I mean do you love her the way I think you do?"
Harvey smiled at his question. Everybody seemed to be on a secret that Harvey Specter had a thing for Donna.
"And what way would that be Louis?"
He knew exactly what he meant, but he teased him anyway. They've come a long way. Now Louis Litt was asking him about his feelings for Donna and instead of kicking him out of the office he was about to answer that question.
"Harvey, if you do not want to talk about it its fine, but think about this. Whatever you are afraid of, it does not matter anymore because soon she will be gone. And you might never get a chance to tell her."
"Louis, she does not feel the same way. She does not love me the way I love her. "
"Are you really that blind? She kissed you for god's sake."
"She told you?" Harvey was surprised at his words.
"Yes she did" Louis nodded
"Well since she told you that part, she should have mentioned, she did not feel anything when we kissed".
"Harvey, I don't know what she told you, but since when do you take no for an answer? I mean if you really know what you want of course. "
"Since this is Donna Louis. I respect her decision. I am not going to fight because there is no fight.
Louis was silent and so was Harvey.
Of course, I want her Louis. He whispered looking up. I think everybody in this goddamn firm knows it.
"She doesn't Harvey. Said Louis as if he told Harvey last piece of the puzzle.
The words were powerful. It was truth. Although it was Donna and she was supposed to know, he never told her.
What do you have left to lose anyway? Tell her, worst thing that can happen, she rejects you and moves to London with this guy. Oh, wait its already happening. Like in cases Harvey. You are obligated to show your client the offer even if you do not think she will take it.
Harvey smiled at his words. He never imagined in a thousand year that he would be taking a relationship advice from Louis Litt. But he was right. He needed to tell her.
It was Friday. Soon Donna would be leaving.
She made a fair well dinner at her place. Everybody was invited including Harvey.
It was fun night, they were laughing, reminiscing about their pasts, but Harvey was very quite. He barely said anything. He was there and not there at the same time. He was just present.
When everybody started taking off and saying goodbyes Harvey was nowhere to be found. Donna knew he would not go like that, but she could not be sure in anything any more.
She called out and there he was, coming from the balcony.
"hey, I thought you'd already left" said Donna with a sweet smile
"I would never leave without saying goodbye Donna"
"things are so different between us these days, I already don't know"
Harvey felt desperate at her words. Yes, they were at odds, but nothing changed. They were still Harvey and Donna.
"I never leave Donna, you should know that by now. No matter what".
Donna did not know what to say. She knew what he implied and he was right. It was always Donna making the exit.
"Are you in love with him?" he asked
She was taken back by his question. She never stopped to wonder if what she felt for this new man in her life was really love. They've said it to each other, but standing now beside Harvey she could not say those words.
"I don't know Harvey she said truthfully, but It is a start. We are happy."
Those words were enough for him to go in for the kill. Now he was fighting.
"So you are moving to a different country with a guy you've known for couple of months with long distance relationship just to see where this will go? That is either a bold move or you are simply running away from me." When he said those last words again, he knew he pushed her and that was exactly what he wanted.
"What is that supposed to mean? Exclaimed Donna. This is the second time I hear this. When did I run Harvey? It's you who's been running from us for over a decade."
There it was finally, something real. Raw emotions. That was what he wanted to achieve.
"Donna I am still here am I not?
"You know what I mean Harvey." Donna was angry now, but at the same time she felt he was right.
"Donna you know that I always choose you. No matter what. You said you loved me and went to work for Louis. You kissed me and then left. He was rambling now, everything at the same time. He did not even know if he was making sense any more. "What I am trying to say Donna is that whatever you want, whatever MORE you are looking for I want to be the one to give you." He said those words looking straight into her eyes, never breaking a gaze.
Donna could not believe what she was hearing. Yet again, Harvey Specter was standing in her home with another declaration. She was scared, but she was also tired. Tired from hiding, tired from being rejected even though he chose her over Paula. She was tired of being so close to him and yet so much apart. She wanted this man in every part of her life. She wanted him all.
Now she was done being scared.
"What if I want More with you? She asked finally. What if i felt something when I kissed you?
Harvey had relief written all over his face. He smiled bringing his hands to her waist.
I am yours for taking Donna whether you want me or not. Had I known you felt something that night, we would be married by now he said smiling. He was standing too close now, pushing a strand of her hair aside.
"Of course I felt it Harvey," Donna whispered defeated bringing her hands on his chest and tugging onto his collar. Harvey was mere inches away from her. She could barely breathe. Harvey and Donna, finally let their walls down. He was leaning in for a kiss when Donna reminded him about the other guy – you know I am involved with someone right?
"I don't care Donna" he said with the decisive tone the most un Harvey thing he could ever imagine himself say.
He could not understand how this happened, but he realized that the only two people he would be cheating if he did not kiss her now were they - Donna was himself. They were in the relationship that neither of them acknowledged, but it was there. This guy Donna was dating, he did not care for him, he did not think he was making a fool out of him. The only fools in this story were they, who lost so much time searching happiness. They have packed their jealousy, love and need for each other into one phrase "it bothers me" as if it made any sense. But for them it did. Because they were bothered to their core indeed. But they never felt they were losing each other for good until the kiss 6 month ago and now.
"What changed Harvey? She asked pleading
"Nothing, I just saw a glimpse of a life we could have if I stopped pretending, but then you knocked me down with "I did not feel anything speech". Harvey was bringing his confident smile now.
"I thought that was what you wanted to hear. You were acting like a jack ass"
"I know, Donna and I am sorry he said placing his forehead on hers. Now you can call this boyfriend of yours and tell him you are in love with me"
"Harvey I never said I was in love with you. I mean I felt something, but love it's a bit too much don't you think?" Donna started mocking him.
Harvey was amused at her words. "I can work with that", he said with determination.
"However, for the record, I intend to hear those words very soon. Like tonight soon, when you will be screaming my name, just saying."
Donna could no longer resist the urge to kiss him so she stepped even closer, put her arms around his neck. She knew there was no point in arguing.
"Don't ever leave me Harvey, she said in a whisper."
"Donna, you are stealing my line," he said closing the gap between them and kissing her urgently.