Reflection in the sword by Ikuko
Part one: Mulan
She was on pins and needles all evening. Li Shang was tongue-tied all the time during the dinner, and now he was locked with her father, for the second hour straight. What in the world they could have discussed for so long? She was hoping it was she. He DID come after her, she was sure that the helmet was no more than an excuse. Her heart was fluttering; she could not find a place for herself. Only if this was true. If only the reason he locked away with her father was to ask for her hand in marriage.
He was the bravest, most noble and handsome man she had ever met. He could have any beautiful girl he wanted. Now, she liked THAT thought much less. Any girl, which means any nice, well-bred noble girl he would fancy. She suddenly realized that she was no longer an eligible bride. No self- respecting man would ever consider a soldier, even the most famous one as a suitable match.
What in the world were they talking about for so long?! She crawled a little closer to the outside wall of her father's room. She did not mean to eavesdrop, not consciously, she just had to get closer. They were talking quietly. Only a few words reached her: "breach of tradition" voiced Shang, "proper behaviour" murmured her father.
Gods! She felt such terrible shame. Well, they WERE discussing her, all right. Her disgrace, that is. Sure, she brought her family honour - as a warrior. Now she was her family's burden until the rest of her days. She disobeyed the traditions; she was no longer viewed as a girl to be married. Her father knew it, Shang knew it, what else was there to be discussed?
She will serve her parents as long as they live, and take orders, become a nun. There was no other way for someone like her. She fulfilled her duty as a soldier, but the war was over. No one needed a soldier any more. She was just a misfit now, a girl not suited to be a bride.
Tears were burning her eyes, threatening to spill any moment. The voices of the two men dearest to her softly, almost sadly talked over her future. She knew they both cared about her, but there was nothing anyone could do.
Anger flared briefly in her chest: Shang, how dare he! Wasn't she humiliated enough? Yes, he was her commanding officer, and a great one at that; he was concerned about his subordinates. But this was above and beyond the call of duty!
She was no longer in the army, it was her life, and she could deal with the consequences of what she had done. He had no business butting in!
The voices were a little louder now.
"I think this is reasonable," said her father "I will try to arrange an appointment with a matchmaker at the nearest lucky day". Did her father go crazy? To put her on the bride market again? After the last year's fiasco?! With her scandalous fame?
"Are you expecting difficulties?" asked Shang
"Well, last time she was not much impressed with Mulan. She is a very old fashioned lady. Now, considering the events of the past months... Though, with appropriate incentive, her memory might fail her conveniently"
"I am sure, I have enough influence to... apply necessary pressure, if needed..."
Tidal waves of humiliation almost knocked Mulan off her feet. She covered her face with both hands, and ran blindly, anywhere, just to get away from them. So that was their plan. To bribe that horrible matchmaker, to marry her off to some gullible villager... And oh-so-honourable Shang will sure assist in the scheme. He did not kill her on the Tang-Shao, now he will ensure her future as a properly married woman. She'd rather die. She felt betrayed by the two men she loved the most.
She stumbled on her run, and fell in the tall grass and did not attempt to get up. It seemed she lied there forever, crying her heart out, until there were no more tears left.
The noise of the passing cart intruded in her sobs. She was near the street, hidden from the sight only by the flimsy screen of grass. She did not feel like moving. She could stay here all night, and no one would notice her.
People were passing so close to her, she could hear bits and pieces of conversation. The war was over, soldiers returned home, the mood was happy; people celebrated the return of peaceful times in the village. Her name was mentioned again. "Listen!" she ordered herself. If you think that what Shang and your father said was bad, see what strangers think of you.
There was no malice in the voices. They were light, conversational.
"She is a great hero, you know"
"Yeah, they say she brought home a medal and all"
"...an honour for the village"
"she'd be better off if she'd think more of her own honour"
"slept her way to the top"
"he, he, you know, the lass with all the soldiers... sure they loved her"
She swallowed her tears. She faced the enemy; she could face the gossip. She did it for her father. She had put her life on the line, and she did not lose that life. She could still smell the grass, see the stars. She was alive - but was it worth it? She was a war hero - she was a dishonoured girl.
What were her choices? Most tempting one - to run away, to find a place where no one knew her, to pretend she was a war refugee and start her life afresh. But her parents will be broken hearted. They were old, and she was the only child. She could not just leave them like this. She dealt them enough grief by leaving last year. They did not deserve another sorrow.
Or she could refuse to deal with the matchmaker and insist on staying with her parents forever - and become a nun after they died. She knew that her father would be unhappy to hear that, and she was not willing to hurt her father again.
Her only other choice was to comply. To play the dumb, obedient girl. To try to fit in. To help them with the pretence. To sell herself to whatever poor sucker the matchmaker could find for her. To be a good wife to the unlucky bastard, and to uphold the family honour.
She had played rebel long enough. She will do her duty this time. They want her to get married? She could do that. After pretending to be a man for a year, pretending to be a wife should be a snap.
She knew by now, she was in love with Shang. It did not matter. He wanted her to marry someone else? If it will ease his conscience, she will do it for him, even if it will kill her. She was a soldier, she had the honour, and she knew how to obey orders.
She was more miserable than she had ever imagined a person could be.
She did not remember how she got home, or when. She knew she was weak. It would be so much better, oh, so much better, to slip in her room unnoticed, to avoid Shang tonight. He would be gone soon enough, and she would never have to cope with the torture of seeing him again, facing his patronizing generosity and pity. There would be nothing said between them again - oh, so much better.
But no. The pride of the warrior deserted her in everything concerning Shang. She waited just outside of the house, ashamed of herself, but waited. What did she hope for? She did not know. But when he finally appeared in the doorway, she came to him, like a beaten dog begging to accept her loyalty.
"Shang..."
"Mulan! What are you doing her so late?" He did not expect to see her so late, but he did not seem to be upset. Mulan rushed on the stumbling words, as if to protect herself:
"Don't... You do not have to do this!"
"Do what?" he choked out
"I heard... you and my father... About the matchmaker..." she was stumbling over the words, unable to utter a coherent sentence.
"That's the only proper way, Mulan. Your father agreed with me. To restore the image of the proper daughter, you should be very careful and follow all the traditions. It's not so bad. You are a soldier, Ping. Look at it as just another drill. I know it's silly, but you have to put up with it"
his voice was gentle, as if he was comforting a small child. Of course, no one would take a woman seriously. No one would even think she has her own wishes and ideas.
"Don't try to help me, Shang..."
"But... Why?" his surprise puzzled her. Didn't he understand how much he hurt her pride in his attempt to save her face?
"You should not trouble yourself... I will be all right... Just go... No! Wait! Can we talk?"
"Mulan" his voice wavered "Mulan, I promise I will do my best for your happiness. Your father is a sensible man; he chose the best course of action. All will be well soon, Mulan. But... you know, we should not be seen together."
She cowered in humiliation "We both have family honour to uphold, you and I. I know you are a ma... woman of honour" His face was unsmiling, eyes intensely on hers. "Good bye, Mulan" He turned away and started toward the gates. His scarlet cape was almost black in the darkness, washing away, dissolving in the night.
Her foolish, foolish heart was breaking, wrenching the words that should never be said out of her lips.
"Don't go. I love you, Shang... I always have..."
she did not believe she actually said something like this. Now she really disgraced her family - but that was not the worst. She offended and embarrassed him.
She saw him stop, shoulders rigid in the dark. He heard. He almost turned back to her, but then changed his mind and resumed his pace. No, there was nothing left to hope for. What was she expecting? She was not fit as a wife, and he will never take her as a concubine. She was neither woman nor man, neither soldier nor bride. No, she was a soldier. She will face it, as she had faced Shang-Yu.
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The following week was a nightmare for Mulan. Overcome with the shame, she did not want to see anyone. Her parents worried about her, but how could she explain? There was no way she'd admit she eavesdropped on her father's conversation with Li Shang, was there? She had to pretend that she knew nothing, was afraid of nothing. She resumed her daily chores, but was still reluctant to go out of the gates. The words of the villagers were still ringing in her ears.
How could she meet eyes of all these people? But she could not hide forever. Grandma sent her for errands once, than again. People she met seemed polite, at least when she could hear them. It was not so bad. She could do it.
A few days later, Mulan's dreadful mood was somewhat distracted. Right in the middle of the market, she came across Ling and Chien-Po, of all people!
Well, as it happened, it was not much of a coincidence: the trio got some leave from the army on the account of the peace, and were on their way south to visit the temple Chien-Po had grown up in. Her village was not too far out of the way, and there was no way they would pass through without visiting an old friend. Mulan suspected that the visit to the temple was no more than pretence, but was happy to see them anyway. After the first happy greetings Mulan noticed that the trio was for once not complete:
"Where is Yao?"
"Dunno." Answered Ling "He was with us this morning, but said he has some business in town. So we went ahead to find you. How ya doing?"
"As well as can be expected, I guess" She did not feel like elaborating, but the gang had already a whiff of the local news
"Umm, yeah. We heard in the village. Who is the lucky guy?" asked Ling, grinning from ear to ear
"The sucker? Have no idea. Some fool or another, it makes no difference. No one is asking the bride, you know"
"Come on, Fa Mulan. You are not just any bride!"
"All the worse. They have to hide who I am to con someone into marrying me"
"You are kidding, Mulan. Any guy would be happy..."
"It's you who are kidding, Ling. And you know it"
"Mulan, honestly... if only you would... I'd be happy, in a moment..."
"WHAT?! Are you proposing? You are a great friend, Ling, but a terrible fool. Are you seriously thinking about ruining your life like this? What would your mother say?" Mulan was actually touched by Ling's sincerity
"It won't work" a new voice drawled from behind her.
"Yao? You are back?! Where have you been?"
"Had the same stupid idea as Ling over here. Could not stand the thought that you will be just shipped out to some hack from nowhere like a stack of hay. Went to the town, had a chat with that cow of a matchmaker of yours"
"You are crazy. You offered yourself? Well, I did not even know you cared"
Now she felt almost like crying. First Ling, and now Yao! Who would ever think that the guys that maid her life so miserable in the beginning would prove to be such great friends!
"I do care. At least, I am your friend. Better then some pretty boy I know" drawled the surly short fellow
"Don't"
"I know. Anyway, the answer is no. I do not fit the rank"
"What do you mean?"
"It's the crest. You are the cavalier of the crest of the Emperor, which makes you one of the highest-ranking military figures, even without official title. I am just a private. No go"
"Bad news" Ling scowled.
"No, it's excellent news! Don't you guys see? You do not have to sacrifice yourself! I will be just fine! There is no way they can con anyone as high as that! I will be able to remain with my parents, without disgracing them much. It happens, some girls can not find a husband! That's a beautiful set- up!"
"Don't get too happy. I have a feeling they have something in mind. I thought I better warn you"
"They do? Oh, well. It was too good to be true, anyway. To the matchmaker we go, then"
Still, it was a comfort to have them around. They laughed and talked about the days past, trying to forget the gloomy future Mulan faced. If they could not help, at least they were there for her. They were, but Shang wasn't.
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As they say, it was déjà vu all over again. Except this time Mulan was on time for the appointment with the matchmaker. And this time, she was alone. No other brides were showing off their painted faces and fine clothes.
There were other differences, more subtle. Mulan, though dressed with the same care as the first time, was not nearly as fidgety. Nor did she look as pretty: her hairdo was one disastrous attempt to hide her shorter hair. It grew some in the past couple of months, but still was too short for the elaborate style of the proper bride. But who cared? It was all a farce anyway, and she knew it. The matchmaker was bribed to swindle the spoiled goods to some hapless fool, her part was simply to go with the flow.
She was surprised, however, at the matchmaker's behavior. It was clear the older woman disproved of Mulan. She was, however, nearly dripping with sweetness. She wasn't trying to find a flaw in the potential bride now. Right, the flaw was obvious: she was a soldier.
Mulan was amazed to see the matchmaker actually instructing her how to be a proper bride! Silly woman. Mulan got enough instruction from the female members of her own family. If that did not help, she was a lost case.
Yes, the matchmaker definitely had someone in mind. She was too concise in her advice, and talked in too certain terms for a woman with only a vague idea of the future match. Mulan was not going to make it any easier for her.
"You are not afraid I will spill the tea on my future in-laws, this time?"
Matchmaker was visibly uncomfortable, but lowered her gaze
"General has no parents"
"GENERAL?! Are you saying you've got a general and he agrees to marry someone like me? You could make a better deal with some rich man's daughter"
personally, she would rather settle for a certain captain. But she had already learned not to wish for impossible.
"I certainly could have. She would probably make a better wife, too. I have no choice. You were requested as an only candidate for a bride."
"Why would he do that?"
"May be he has as little choice as I do in the matter. I heard it was the highest order"
"You mean, Emperor ORDERED his general to marry a girl no one else would want?"
She thought she was impervious to any more pain, but this slap in the face got to her. Sure, Emperor was a nice old man, but what a foolish nice old man. Looks like Shang had more influence than she gave him credit for. When he said "do his best", he really meant the best.
General, eh? It could be worse. He must resent a wife that was forced upon him, but that did not bother her much. On the opposite, it pleased her. She will not have to see him too often. There are always pleasure girls for men as important as a general. She will have to bear very little of his attention. Besides, she served in the army long enough to know that the youngest of the generals is at least as old as her father.
No, not too much attention. He must be rich, and his house must be large. Alone, in her own quarters of an official wife, her life will be as good as any. Better. Maybe, the general has children from the previous marriage, she can become friends with them. No, not likely, they might hate a stepmother. But she could deal with that. Hate was better than the unflinching, emotionless expression she saw on Shang's face when he had said good-bye to her.
All right. She marshaled her attention back to matchmaker.
"so, this is all decided, then?"
"You could say so"
"When the first letter will be sent?"
"You do not understand. The letters have been sent already, and information about the birth dates was exchanged."
Matchmaker dropped information piece by piece on Mulan, watching her expression warily.
"The stars position was found favorable for the marriage, so the General, who has no family of his own personally sent groom's presents to your father. Your family and the General agreed on the dowry, and the final exchange of letters was completed."
Mulan's horror grew with every word the matchmaker uttered.
"Then what am I doing here, if everything have been done already?!"
"You are here to be betrothed. The General is in the next room"
"What? Can I speak to him?!"
"Of course not!!!" the indignation of the matchmaker was genuine.
"You know perfectly well that the bride and the groom are not supposed to see each other until wedding night!"
And she did know that. Then again, it would not change a thing, so it was just as well.
She submitted to the ceremony unfeeling, without even registering in her mind what was going on around her. The whole thing was mercifully short, and before she knew it, she was surrounded by her mother and grandma, and escorted home.
Betrothed! She could not believe it. Her life was about to change, and she had no control over it at all. She felt like an object, an item of furniture, sold and about to be delivered to a client.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the meanwhile a great care was taken to have her in best possible condition for the customer. She was locked in the secluded room at the back of the house, where she was to spend the rest of the days before the wedding. Every smallest detail was conducted in the strictest observation of the traditions, as if nothing was wrong with the bride. What a laugh!
A few of the girlfriends she had were invited to stay with her, crying over her leaving the family and cursing the matchmaker according to the custom. You can not say that there is nothing good about the tradition. That particular part she enjoyed. In fact, she cursed the matchmaker with such gusto and expert knowledge of the terminology obtained in boot camp that other girls could only gape at her in astonishment.
She was hoping the gang would find a way to communicate with her in her solitude. But they seemed to disappear all together. One of the girls was even willing to search for them in the village. She seemed to take a liking to the gentle giant Chien-Po. Unfortunately, she could find no trace of them. Rumor was that the general's attendants ordered them away.
The news did not improve Mulan's mood any. Her future husband sank in her opinion a couple of notches. Such jealousy was so silly! It was strange, though. She could not imagine Yao backing off on command. But the fact was, they were no longer around.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dreaded day finally came. She was surprised to find herself almost relieved. Then again, she knew that the anticipation of the battle was worse than the battle itself.
She was positively exhausted, waiting to know what this fate held for her. There was nothing good to expect, but the suspense was killing her. She needed to know why the Emperor would treat the man great enough to become a general in such cruel a manner. Did he fall out of grace? Did he commit a crime of some kind? Was it a personal revenge of some sneaky member of the Council?
She did not have any hard feelings toward her husband to be. She could not possibly hold a grudge against the man who was clearly as much a victim in this case as she was.
The girls were at last enjoying themselves. The ceremony of bathing and dressing the bride was the most exiting part of the whole thing. These days they had to spend alone with that strange girl soon to be married to a general were difficult for them. She was a soldier, and nice girls are not supposed to be with the soldiers. What if some of her scandalous fame rubbed off on them? Emperor was not going to hand high officers out to marry them, too. The girls were happy that the embarrassing stay in Fa house was nearly over.
The dress was brought in, and the women began to work on the face make-up and the hairdo of the bride. Her shining black hair grew back a bit more, reaching her shoulder blades and the suntan had faded from Mulan's face.
She no longer looked like a boy soldier. Still, her glance was too open, and her words too straight for a bride. She would never make a proper shadow-of-her-husband wife.
Dressed in red dress and red shoes, with so many red beads adoring the outfit that it was heavier than the armor, Mulan bowed to her father one last time. The covered palanquin from the groom's house was waiting for her just outside of the gates.
She could not say good-bye to Khan. Yesterday she prayed to her ancestors in the family chapel, and Mushu awakened to awkwardly comfort her. Re- installed as a family guardian, Mushu had to stay with the family. Yet she had a friend with her. Cree-kee, the luckiest of bugs will follow her to her new home.
She wished she could see the most important ceremony of her life a little clearer. But the red scarf obscured her vision, and all she could rely on was her ears. She could see nothing but shadowy figures moving around her, chanting prayers. The large form of her groom by her side, and the floor under her feet were all she could identify around her. The goblet of wine was pushed under the curtain of the scarf, and she took an obligatory sip that sealed her marriage.
She knew her new husband's lips had just touched the same cup, and her heart flinched at a thought of the stranger by her side. She would trade the distinguished general by her side for a certain captain in a heartbeat.
She squashed the thoughts of Shang firmly. It was impossible for them, and he obviously did not want her. She was a married woman now, and she will honour her husband. She was not angry with Shang, it just... hurt.
She tried not to keep thinking about him. Which, of course, meant she had to abandon thinking all together. Everything reminded her of Shang, even the wedding ceremony itself. Rice in her bowl - "you will pick up every grain!"... fish - fishing with bare hands as part of the training... Horse - the thunder of the Khan's hooves and the prone body across the saddle... blade - a sword risen in the strong hand, the fire of anger at her deceit in those beloved eyes...
Tears were sliding from under the crimson scarf, but it was all right. The bride is expected to cry during the wedding. All traditions have been observed. Her family and her new husband will not have to be ashamed - at least not of the ceremony.
Her new home was in the capital; naturally, the ceremonial palanquin was not suitable for such a long trip. She was deposited in the travel carriage in all her finery and the whole party drove off in the same haste. She longed to peek out of the window at the fields of her village she might not see again for a long time, but with that damned scarf it was useless.
The trip took hours, her fatigue caught up with her and she fell asleep, lolled by the monotonous swaying of the carriage and rattle of the horse hooves. In between dream and reality, she felt trapped; the confined space of the carriage, the crowd of the riders, servants and retainers surrounding it... She would be happier to ride to the capital on the horseback... That was another thing impossible for her from now on. Not ever... never...
The abrupt stop in movement woke her up. They arrived, and she was eased from the carriage into the large front garden. In the dying light of the day, through the murky crimson of the scarf she could make out the outline of the large house. Apparently, that was her new home now.
She steeled herself against the unwanted thought of the coming night. Why did you do it to me, father? Shang?
There it was. She was seated on the decorated bed in the large bedroom, next to her new husband, and forced herself not to hear the crude jokes his friends were making as the tradition called for. From his grunting in response, she knew he was not too happy about all of this either. They were in the same boat, she could sympathize with him. Maybe he was a nice man. That would make her life easier. But not much.
Finally, the guests were leaving. She did not know whether to be relieved or scared. The ceremonial part of the wedding was over. Now was time to face the real thing. She must be able to take it as a soldier. But when the hands of her new husband reached to lift the crimson scarf from her face, her heart contracted painfully. Like a coward, she closed her eyes.
Part one: Mulan
She was on pins and needles all evening. Li Shang was tongue-tied all the time during the dinner, and now he was locked with her father, for the second hour straight. What in the world they could have discussed for so long? She was hoping it was she. He DID come after her, she was sure that the helmet was no more than an excuse. Her heart was fluttering; she could not find a place for herself. Only if this was true. If only the reason he locked away with her father was to ask for her hand in marriage.
He was the bravest, most noble and handsome man she had ever met. He could have any beautiful girl he wanted. Now, she liked THAT thought much less. Any girl, which means any nice, well-bred noble girl he would fancy. She suddenly realized that she was no longer an eligible bride. No self- respecting man would ever consider a soldier, even the most famous one as a suitable match.
What in the world were they talking about for so long?! She crawled a little closer to the outside wall of her father's room. She did not mean to eavesdrop, not consciously, she just had to get closer. They were talking quietly. Only a few words reached her: "breach of tradition" voiced Shang, "proper behaviour" murmured her father.
Gods! She felt such terrible shame. Well, they WERE discussing her, all right. Her disgrace, that is. Sure, she brought her family honour - as a warrior. Now she was her family's burden until the rest of her days. She disobeyed the traditions; she was no longer viewed as a girl to be married. Her father knew it, Shang knew it, what else was there to be discussed?
She will serve her parents as long as they live, and take orders, become a nun. There was no other way for someone like her. She fulfilled her duty as a soldier, but the war was over. No one needed a soldier any more. She was just a misfit now, a girl not suited to be a bride.
Tears were burning her eyes, threatening to spill any moment. The voices of the two men dearest to her softly, almost sadly talked over her future. She knew they both cared about her, but there was nothing anyone could do.
Anger flared briefly in her chest: Shang, how dare he! Wasn't she humiliated enough? Yes, he was her commanding officer, and a great one at that; he was concerned about his subordinates. But this was above and beyond the call of duty!
She was no longer in the army, it was her life, and she could deal with the consequences of what she had done. He had no business butting in!
The voices were a little louder now.
"I think this is reasonable," said her father "I will try to arrange an appointment with a matchmaker at the nearest lucky day". Did her father go crazy? To put her on the bride market again? After the last year's fiasco?! With her scandalous fame?
"Are you expecting difficulties?" asked Shang
"Well, last time she was not much impressed with Mulan. She is a very old fashioned lady. Now, considering the events of the past months... Though, with appropriate incentive, her memory might fail her conveniently"
"I am sure, I have enough influence to... apply necessary pressure, if needed..."
Tidal waves of humiliation almost knocked Mulan off her feet. She covered her face with both hands, and ran blindly, anywhere, just to get away from them. So that was their plan. To bribe that horrible matchmaker, to marry her off to some gullible villager... And oh-so-honourable Shang will sure assist in the scheme. He did not kill her on the Tang-Shao, now he will ensure her future as a properly married woman. She'd rather die. She felt betrayed by the two men she loved the most.
She stumbled on her run, and fell in the tall grass and did not attempt to get up. It seemed she lied there forever, crying her heart out, until there were no more tears left.
The noise of the passing cart intruded in her sobs. She was near the street, hidden from the sight only by the flimsy screen of grass. She did not feel like moving. She could stay here all night, and no one would notice her.
People were passing so close to her, she could hear bits and pieces of conversation. The war was over, soldiers returned home, the mood was happy; people celebrated the return of peaceful times in the village. Her name was mentioned again. "Listen!" she ordered herself. If you think that what Shang and your father said was bad, see what strangers think of you.
There was no malice in the voices. They were light, conversational.
"She is a great hero, you know"
"Yeah, they say she brought home a medal and all"
"...an honour for the village"
"she'd be better off if she'd think more of her own honour"
"slept her way to the top"
"he, he, you know, the lass with all the soldiers... sure they loved her"
She swallowed her tears. She faced the enemy; she could face the gossip. She did it for her father. She had put her life on the line, and she did not lose that life. She could still smell the grass, see the stars. She was alive - but was it worth it? She was a war hero - she was a dishonoured girl.
What were her choices? Most tempting one - to run away, to find a place where no one knew her, to pretend she was a war refugee and start her life afresh. But her parents will be broken hearted. They were old, and she was the only child. She could not just leave them like this. She dealt them enough grief by leaving last year. They did not deserve another sorrow.
Or she could refuse to deal with the matchmaker and insist on staying with her parents forever - and become a nun after they died. She knew that her father would be unhappy to hear that, and she was not willing to hurt her father again.
Her only other choice was to comply. To play the dumb, obedient girl. To try to fit in. To help them with the pretence. To sell herself to whatever poor sucker the matchmaker could find for her. To be a good wife to the unlucky bastard, and to uphold the family honour.
She had played rebel long enough. She will do her duty this time. They want her to get married? She could do that. After pretending to be a man for a year, pretending to be a wife should be a snap.
She knew by now, she was in love with Shang. It did not matter. He wanted her to marry someone else? If it will ease his conscience, she will do it for him, even if it will kill her. She was a soldier, she had the honour, and she knew how to obey orders.
She was more miserable than she had ever imagined a person could be.
She did not remember how she got home, or when. She knew she was weak. It would be so much better, oh, so much better, to slip in her room unnoticed, to avoid Shang tonight. He would be gone soon enough, and she would never have to cope with the torture of seeing him again, facing his patronizing generosity and pity. There would be nothing said between them again - oh, so much better.
But no. The pride of the warrior deserted her in everything concerning Shang. She waited just outside of the house, ashamed of herself, but waited. What did she hope for? She did not know. But when he finally appeared in the doorway, she came to him, like a beaten dog begging to accept her loyalty.
"Shang..."
"Mulan! What are you doing her so late?" He did not expect to see her so late, but he did not seem to be upset. Mulan rushed on the stumbling words, as if to protect herself:
"Don't... You do not have to do this!"
"Do what?" he choked out
"I heard... you and my father... About the matchmaker..." she was stumbling over the words, unable to utter a coherent sentence.
"That's the only proper way, Mulan. Your father agreed with me. To restore the image of the proper daughter, you should be very careful and follow all the traditions. It's not so bad. You are a soldier, Ping. Look at it as just another drill. I know it's silly, but you have to put up with it"
his voice was gentle, as if he was comforting a small child. Of course, no one would take a woman seriously. No one would even think she has her own wishes and ideas.
"Don't try to help me, Shang..."
"But... Why?" his surprise puzzled her. Didn't he understand how much he hurt her pride in his attempt to save her face?
"You should not trouble yourself... I will be all right... Just go... No! Wait! Can we talk?"
"Mulan" his voice wavered "Mulan, I promise I will do my best for your happiness. Your father is a sensible man; he chose the best course of action. All will be well soon, Mulan. But... you know, we should not be seen together."
She cowered in humiliation "We both have family honour to uphold, you and I. I know you are a ma... woman of honour" His face was unsmiling, eyes intensely on hers. "Good bye, Mulan" He turned away and started toward the gates. His scarlet cape was almost black in the darkness, washing away, dissolving in the night.
Her foolish, foolish heart was breaking, wrenching the words that should never be said out of her lips.
"Don't go. I love you, Shang... I always have..."
she did not believe she actually said something like this. Now she really disgraced her family - but that was not the worst. She offended and embarrassed him.
She saw him stop, shoulders rigid in the dark. He heard. He almost turned back to her, but then changed his mind and resumed his pace. No, there was nothing left to hope for. What was she expecting? She was not fit as a wife, and he will never take her as a concubine. She was neither woman nor man, neither soldier nor bride. No, she was a soldier. She will face it, as she had faced Shang-Yu.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following week was a nightmare for Mulan. Overcome with the shame, she did not want to see anyone. Her parents worried about her, but how could she explain? There was no way she'd admit she eavesdropped on her father's conversation with Li Shang, was there? She had to pretend that she knew nothing, was afraid of nothing. She resumed her daily chores, but was still reluctant to go out of the gates. The words of the villagers were still ringing in her ears.
How could she meet eyes of all these people? But she could not hide forever. Grandma sent her for errands once, than again. People she met seemed polite, at least when she could hear them. It was not so bad. She could do it.
A few days later, Mulan's dreadful mood was somewhat distracted. Right in the middle of the market, she came across Ling and Chien-Po, of all people!
Well, as it happened, it was not much of a coincidence: the trio got some leave from the army on the account of the peace, and were on their way south to visit the temple Chien-Po had grown up in. Her village was not too far out of the way, and there was no way they would pass through without visiting an old friend. Mulan suspected that the visit to the temple was no more than pretence, but was happy to see them anyway. After the first happy greetings Mulan noticed that the trio was for once not complete:
"Where is Yao?"
"Dunno." Answered Ling "He was with us this morning, but said he has some business in town. So we went ahead to find you. How ya doing?"
"As well as can be expected, I guess" She did not feel like elaborating, but the gang had already a whiff of the local news
"Umm, yeah. We heard in the village. Who is the lucky guy?" asked Ling, grinning from ear to ear
"The sucker? Have no idea. Some fool or another, it makes no difference. No one is asking the bride, you know"
"Come on, Fa Mulan. You are not just any bride!"
"All the worse. They have to hide who I am to con someone into marrying me"
"You are kidding, Mulan. Any guy would be happy..."
"It's you who are kidding, Ling. And you know it"
"Mulan, honestly... if only you would... I'd be happy, in a moment..."
"WHAT?! Are you proposing? You are a great friend, Ling, but a terrible fool. Are you seriously thinking about ruining your life like this? What would your mother say?" Mulan was actually touched by Ling's sincerity
"It won't work" a new voice drawled from behind her.
"Yao? You are back?! Where have you been?"
"Had the same stupid idea as Ling over here. Could not stand the thought that you will be just shipped out to some hack from nowhere like a stack of hay. Went to the town, had a chat with that cow of a matchmaker of yours"
"You are crazy. You offered yourself? Well, I did not even know you cared"
Now she felt almost like crying. First Ling, and now Yao! Who would ever think that the guys that maid her life so miserable in the beginning would prove to be such great friends!
"I do care. At least, I am your friend. Better then some pretty boy I know" drawled the surly short fellow
"Don't"
"I know. Anyway, the answer is no. I do not fit the rank"
"What do you mean?"
"It's the crest. You are the cavalier of the crest of the Emperor, which makes you one of the highest-ranking military figures, even without official title. I am just a private. No go"
"Bad news" Ling scowled.
"No, it's excellent news! Don't you guys see? You do not have to sacrifice yourself! I will be just fine! There is no way they can con anyone as high as that! I will be able to remain with my parents, without disgracing them much. It happens, some girls can not find a husband! That's a beautiful set- up!"
"Don't get too happy. I have a feeling they have something in mind. I thought I better warn you"
"They do? Oh, well. It was too good to be true, anyway. To the matchmaker we go, then"
Still, it was a comfort to have them around. They laughed and talked about the days past, trying to forget the gloomy future Mulan faced. If they could not help, at least they were there for her. They were, but Shang wasn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As they say, it was déjà vu all over again. Except this time Mulan was on time for the appointment with the matchmaker. And this time, she was alone. No other brides were showing off their painted faces and fine clothes.
There were other differences, more subtle. Mulan, though dressed with the same care as the first time, was not nearly as fidgety. Nor did she look as pretty: her hairdo was one disastrous attempt to hide her shorter hair. It grew some in the past couple of months, but still was too short for the elaborate style of the proper bride. But who cared? It was all a farce anyway, and she knew it. The matchmaker was bribed to swindle the spoiled goods to some hapless fool, her part was simply to go with the flow.
She was surprised, however, at the matchmaker's behavior. It was clear the older woman disproved of Mulan. She was, however, nearly dripping with sweetness. She wasn't trying to find a flaw in the potential bride now. Right, the flaw was obvious: she was a soldier.
Mulan was amazed to see the matchmaker actually instructing her how to be a proper bride! Silly woman. Mulan got enough instruction from the female members of her own family. If that did not help, she was a lost case.
Yes, the matchmaker definitely had someone in mind. She was too concise in her advice, and talked in too certain terms for a woman with only a vague idea of the future match. Mulan was not going to make it any easier for her.
"You are not afraid I will spill the tea on my future in-laws, this time?"
Matchmaker was visibly uncomfortable, but lowered her gaze
"General has no parents"
"GENERAL?! Are you saying you've got a general and he agrees to marry someone like me? You could make a better deal with some rich man's daughter"
personally, she would rather settle for a certain captain. But she had already learned not to wish for impossible.
"I certainly could have. She would probably make a better wife, too. I have no choice. You were requested as an only candidate for a bride."
"Why would he do that?"
"May be he has as little choice as I do in the matter. I heard it was the highest order"
"You mean, Emperor ORDERED his general to marry a girl no one else would want?"
She thought she was impervious to any more pain, but this slap in the face got to her. Sure, Emperor was a nice old man, but what a foolish nice old man. Looks like Shang had more influence than she gave him credit for. When he said "do his best", he really meant the best.
General, eh? It could be worse. He must resent a wife that was forced upon him, but that did not bother her much. On the opposite, it pleased her. She will not have to see him too often. There are always pleasure girls for men as important as a general. She will have to bear very little of his attention. Besides, she served in the army long enough to know that the youngest of the generals is at least as old as her father.
No, not too much attention. He must be rich, and his house must be large. Alone, in her own quarters of an official wife, her life will be as good as any. Better. Maybe, the general has children from the previous marriage, she can become friends with them. No, not likely, they might hate a stepmother. But she could deal with that. Hate was better than the unflinching, emotionless expression she saw on Shang's face when he had said good-bye to her.
All right. She marshaled her attention back to matchmaker.
"so, this is all decided, then?"
"You could say so"
"When the first letter will be sent?"
"You do not understand. The letters have been sent already, and information about the birth dates was exchanged."
Matchmaker dropped information piece by piece on Mulan, watching her expression warily.
"The stars position was found favorable for the marriage, so the General, who has no family of his own personally sent groom's presents to your father. Your family and the General agreed on the dowry, and the final exchange of letters was completed."
Mulan's horror grew with every word the matchmaker uttered.
"Then what am I doing here, if everything have been done already?!"
"You are here to be betrothed. The General is in the next room"
"What? Can I speak to him?!"
"Of course not!!!" the indignation of the matchmaker was genuine.
"You know perfectly well that the bride and the groom are not supposed to see each other until wedding night!"
And she did know that. Then again, it would not change a thing, so it was just as well.
She submitted to the ceremony unfeeling, without even registering in her mind what was going on around her. The whole thing was mercifully short, and before she knew it, she was surrounded by her mother and grandma, and escorted home.
Betrothed! She could not believe it. Her life was about to change, and she had no control over it at all. She felt like an object, an item of furniture, sold and about to be delivered to a client.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the meanwhile a great care was taken to have her in best possible condition for the customer. She was locked in the secluded room at the back of the house, where she was to spend the rest of the days before the wedding. Every smallest detail was conducted in the strictest observation of the traditions, as if nothing was wrong with the bride. What a laugh!
A few of the girlfriends she had were invited to stay with her, crying over her leaving the family and cursing the matchmaker according to the custom. You can not say that there is nothing good about the tradition. That particular part she enjoyed. In fact, she cursed the matchmaker with such gusto and expert knowledge of the terminology obtained in boot camp that other girls could only gape at her in astonishment.
She was hoping the gang would find a way to communicate with her in her solitude. But they seemed to disappear all together. One of the girls was even willing to search for them in the village. She seemed to take a liking to the gentle giant Chien-Po. Unfortunately, she could find no trace of them. Rumor was that the general's attendants ordered them away.
The news did not improve Mulan's mood any. Her future husband sank in her opinion a couple of notches. Such jealousy was so silly! It was strange, though. She could not imagine Yao backing off on command. But the fact was, they were no longer around.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dreaded day finally came. She was surprised to find herself almost relieved. Then again, she knew that the anticipation of the battle was worse than the battle itself.
She was positively exhausted, waiting to know what this fate held for her. There was nothing good to expect, but the suspense was killing her. She needed to know why the Emperor would treat the man great enough to become a general in such cruel a manner. Did he fall out of grace? Did he commit a crime of some kind? Was it a personal revenge of some sneaky member of the Council?
She did not have any hard feelings toward her husband to be. She could not possibly hold a grudge against the man who was clearly as much a victim in this case as she was.
The girls were at last enjoying themselves. The ceremony of bathing and dressing the bride was the most exiting part of the whole thing. These days they had to spend alone with that strange girl soon to be married to a general were difficult for them. She was a soldier, and nice girls are not supposed to be with the soldiers. What if some of her scandalous fame rubbed off on them? Emperor was not going to hand high officers out to marry them, too. The girls were happy that the embarrassing stay in Fa house was nearly over.
The dress was brought in, and the women began to work on the face make-up and the hairdo of the bride. Her shining black hair grew back a bit more, reaching her shoulder blades and the suntan had faded from Mulan's face.
She no longer looked like a boy soldier. Still, her glance was too open, and her words too straight for a bride. She would never make a proper shadow-of-her-husband wife.
Dressed in red dress and red shoes, with so many red beads adoring the outfit that it was heavier than the armor, Mulan bowed to her father one last time. The covered palanquin from the groom's house was waiting for her just outside of the gates.
She could not say good-bye to Khan. Yesterday she prayed to her ancestors in the family chapel, and Mushu awakened to awkwardly comfort her. Re- installed as a family guardian, Mushu had to stay with the family. Yet she had a friend with her. Cree-kee, the luckiest of bugs will follow her to her new home.
She wished she could see the most important ceremony of her life a little clearer. But the red scarf obscured her vision, and all she could rely on was her ears. She could see nothing but shadowy figures moving around her, chanting prayers. The large form of her groom by her side, and the floor under her feet were all she could identify around her. The goblet of wine was pushed under the curtain of the scarf, and she took an obligatory sip that sealed her marriage.
She knew her new husband's lips had just touched the same cup, and her heart flinched at a thought of the stranger by her side. She would trade the distinguished general by her side for a certain captain in a heartbeat.
She squashed the thoughts of Shang firmly. It was impossible for them, and he obviously did not want her. She was a married woman now, and she will honour her husband. She was not angry with Shang, it just... hurt.
She tried not to keep thinking about him. Which, of course, meant she had to abandon thinking all together. Everything reminded her of Shang, even the wedding ceremony itself. Rice in her bowl - "you will pick up every grain!"... fish - fishing with bare hands as part of the training... Horse - the thunder of the Khan's hooves and the prone body across the saddle... blade - a sword risen in the strong hand, the fire of anger at her deceit in those beloved eyes...
Tears were sliding from under the crimson scarf, but it was all right. The bride is expected to cry during the wedding. All traditions have been observed. Her family and her new husband will not have to be ashamed - at least not of the ceremony.
Her new home was in the capital; naturally, the ceremonial palanquin was not suitable for such a long trip. She was deposited in the travel carriage in all her finery and the whole party drove off in the same haste. She longed to peek out of the window at the fields of her village she might not see again for a long time, but with that damned scarf it was useless.
The trip took hours, her fatigue caught up with her and she fell asleep, lolled by the monotonous swaying of the carriage and rattle of the horse hooves. In between dream and reality, she felt trapped; the confined space of the carriage, the crowd of the riders, servants and retainers surrounding it... She would be happier to ride to the capital on the horseback... That was another thing impossible for her from now on. Not ever... never...
The abrupt stop in movement woke her up. They arrived, and she was eased from the carriage into the large front garden. In the dying light of the day, through the murky crimson of the scarf she could make out the outline of the large house. Apparently, that was her new home now.
She steeled herself against the unwanted thought of the coming night. Why did you do it to me, father? Shang?
There it was. She was seated on the decorated bed in the large bedroom, next to her new husband, and forced herself not to hear the crude jokes his friends were making as the tradition called for. From his grunting in response, she knew he was not too happy about all of this either. They were in the same boat, she could sympathize with him. Maybe he was a nice man. That would make her life easier. But not much.
Finally, the guests were leaving. She did not know whether to be relieved or scared. The ceremonial part of the wedding was over. Now was time to face the real thing. She must be able to take it as a soldier. But when the hands of her new husband reached to lift the crimson scarf from her face, her heart contracted painfully. Like a coward, she closed her eyes.