Always walking in my shadows,
Dear Diary:
We won. We
defeated Ultimecia and saved the world. I have to admit, in all this years of
training as a mercenary SeeD, I have never felt so scared like I was when we
were in that battle. I feared for the innocent people's life, for those
children that will never get to enjoy life, feel love and have the blessing of
creating lives, and for my friend's existence. If I was to decide whether to
save my friends for the cost of my life or to save my life for the cost of
theirs, I'll prefer to die. They have a reason to live and I didn't. Squall had
Rinoa's love and vice-versa. Irvine and Selphie are meant to be together, and
Zell, he's a lively fellow, he enjoys life and has a mother who loves him
without limits. Knowing how much Mrs. Dincht care for Zell, if something ever
happened to him, she would die of loneliness and sorrow.
Then I look at what you given me,
I feel like dancing on my tiptoes…
After Time Compression, Squall was
recognized for his bravery as "a hero", and you know what diary, I agree with
that a hundred percent. If it would have been another person who had the
responsibility of saving million of lives, I bet he or she would of back off
and let Ultimecia win. But no, Squall had the heart of a lion, and didn't give
up to the face of death. He proved to the world and to all of us that in order
to win you must have the three most important elements, Love, reliability and
courage. His love for Rinoa, reliability on his friends and his courage were
what marked the difference between death and life. Today Garden is holding a
party for everyone that somehow was involved in Time Compression. Squall,
Rinoa, Selphie, Irvine, Zell and I are going to be awarded for saving the
world. How I wish I could be rewarded with something else ratter than fame and
worships from the Trepies. My greatest desire since I stared teaching was to
see Squall and Seifer as known SeeDs. But my dream will not be completed until
I see Seifer in SeeD uniform. Hyne, if he wouldn't be such a stubborn and
problematic man, I know he would have made a hell out of a mercenary. Who
knows? Maybe he could have been better then Squall. But now I will never know.
His pride would never allow him to come back to Garden and ask for
forgiveness…is just not him.
I must say everyday I wake,
And realize you are by my side, I know I'm truly…
Heh, I remember when Seifer and I were
youngster. We were the best of friends. I know is hard to believe, but it's
true. When I was being adopted, we swore to meet one day, and to remember that
our friendship will last forever. But I guess he forgot, just like I did. Thanks
to Irvine, I stared to remember pieces of my life. I can't believe that we
forgot our past, our childhood together, but I suppose is the GFs fault.
Recently, it was discovered that indeed GFs needs space in your brain, erasing
your old memories. But lets not talk about GFs now; I'm not an instructor
anymore or wish to be one again. Lets talk more about my past. I think
Selphie's suggestion of keeping a journey or diary was a really good idea. Now
we will never forget our past nor important events. Another thing that I
remember was that as a child, we used to play husband and wife. For some odd
reason, Seifer and I were always the married couple and Zell, our child. Who
would have thought that when they reached puberty, they wouldn't get along at
all?
Blessed,
for everything you give me,
Blessed,
for all the tenderness you shown…
One of the most unforgettable memories I
have was my first kiss, and with whom I shared it is what's going to make it
even harder to forget. When I became a SeeD, I was so happy, yet sad at the
same time. I was going to be on missions contently and I was going to see my
friends. I remember standing on the balcony; shed tears finally falling from my
sapphire eyes. A sad young boy came up to me, slowly turned me around to face him,
and without explanation, kissed me. I'm still wondering why Seifer did it, but
I never bothered to ask. I guess I was afraid that he was going to hurt my
feelings by saying that it was a moment thing. I regret that I didn't ask. I
wonder what could of happen if I asked. You know, my best memories are the ones
where Seifer is included. Like the best moments in my life, where the ones I
spent with him.
Do
my best, with everything that's in me,
Blessed,
to make sure you never go…
You know, sometimes I think that it was my
fault that Seifer didn't become a SeeD. If I wasn't stuck with Squall and I
would have had given Seifer a little more support and help, I bet he would have
been a SeeD by now. Hyne, how I wish that he will return back to Garden. Heh, I
never thought I would miss Seifer so much. His arrogance, selfishness, I know
that behind that hard wall he constructed, he's a nice person who only wants to
be loved…just like me. I never thought we had so much in common until now.
Seifer lost Rinoa to Squall and I lost Squall to Rinoa, we are both lonely and
in need for someone to love and we are a total failure. I wonder where could
Seifer be at the time? Who is he with, and what's he's doing at the time. How
is he being treated? Seifer was about to kill us, but it wasn't his fault. His
dreams were just misinterpreted and he had to thanks Ultimecia for that. If he
comes back, I would not judge him. On the contrary, I will help him become a
SeeD, like I should of done years ago.
There
are times, that's just your faith,
'Till
you think you might surrender …
I remember when I was being adopted. I had
never seen Seifer so sad. He was actually crying. He was crying for me. Of
course, he said that sand got into his eyes and that was why he was crying, but
I knew better than that. Oh Hyne! Now that I remember, before I left the
orphanage, he gave me this letter I never got to read. It must be under my bed
or something. I'll make sure after I finish writing on you diary, I'll check it
out. Should I go to the ball tonight, or should I stay in here remembering more
about my past and writing it down? I mean, what am I going to do in the ball
anyways? See people actually having fun, and me stuck in a corner or talking to
a person who is about twice my age? I know I have to go to the party, not only
because they are honoring my friends and me, but also because some of the
graduating students were my students, that is, before I lost my instructor
license.
Baby
I, I'm not ashamed to say,
That
my hopes will grow in splendor…
I don't know why diary, but something
inside of me is telling me to go. Like something really good is going to happen
to me. Another memory to write on you, diary. I don't really know if I should
trust my heart. Last time I did, it broke my heart into million pieces. I never
thought I would have the courage to tell Squall that I was in love with him. Of
course, he didn't say anything…how predictable. The day Squall told me to go
talk to a wall and that he didn't want to carry anyone's burden, I felt a sting
of pain in my heart. I have never felt so embarrassed and sad as I did then.
But now, he has changed, thanks to Rinoa. He went from icy heart, to a warm and
caring one. That's how I know Seifer will change. Squall was the example I was
looking for. Rinoa show us that it was never to late to change, as long as you
put your heart and desire into it…another thing I have to thanks Rinoa for.
Well diary, I'm going to get ready for the ball now. I wasn't planning on
going, but what the heck. It isn't going to kill me, right?
-Quistis Trepe.
You
are by, in a nick of time,
Looking
like an answered prayer…
I
sighed as I closed my diary, locket it and hided on my bureau under all my
cloths. You can never be too cautious about something. The least thing I wanted
was for someone to take my diary and read it. I would die of embarrassment!
Moving towards my bed, I lifted the soft cushion in search of the letter Seifer
wrote to me. I still wonder why I never read it before. Was it because I was
afraid of what he wrote, or was it because it was too painful to read? I don't
know, but it doesn't matter now. After all this years, I'm finally reading the
letter. I finally am going to find out what Seifer wanted to tell before he
left me without even saying good-bye. He just gave me the letter, eyes puffed
and red, and run away without one look back. I never knew why he did that, but
I figured it was because it was hard for him to say good-bye, just like it was
for me.
You
know I'm truly, blessed,
For
everything you given me…
Finally,
I found what I was looking for. After all this years, the envelope was still in
tact. I took the envelope with my small hands and opened. A small gasp escaped
my lips as I read what the letter said. Oh Hyne, why didn't I read this before?
Why did I wait until now to read it? If I would of read it before, I would have
never ignore him and I would of try to help him out to become a SeeD. I feel so
guilty now. It was my fault that he never got to graduate. It was my mistake
for not paying attention to him. Because of me, he became the arrogant, traitor
he is. Oh heavens…
Blessed,
for all the tenderness you shown,
Do
my best, with every breath that's in me
Blessed,
to make sure you never go…
As
I clumsily sat down on my bed, tears began to drop. How could I be so stupid?
My attention was focused so much in Squall that I didn't noticed that Seifer
felt a bit jealous. Maybe that's why they are rival. Squall always got all the
attention, cutes and most mysterious guy in Balamb, he got my attention, heck
he even stole Rinoa's affection. I don't blame him now. If it would have been
me, I would have been jealous too. But there's nothing I can do now…he's gone,
forever. There isn't any chances of seeing him and ask him to forgive me. Now
all I can do is pray to Hyne that he will return. Only pray…
Blessed,
with love and understanding,
Blessed,
when I hear you call my name,
Do
my best, with love that's never ending,
Blessed
to make sure you feel the same…
I
looked at my digital watch and saw that it was 7:50pm. If I wanted to get to
the SeeD ball in time, I had to get ready pronto. Running to my closet, I
searched for something elegant, yet simple to wear. What I found was a long
sleeve multi-sparkle top with sheer sleeves along with matching multi-sparkle
pant that Rinoa made me buy not so long ago. I had never worn it before because
I always thought it showed too much skin, but now I didn't care. With a small
frown, I did my hair in a different way than style I usually have. French twist
was getting on my nerve. I want to change. I want everyone to look at me for
what I am, a 19 years old teenager that deserves to have fun from time to time.
Deep
inside I need,
You
feel me with your gentle touch
You
know I'm truly…
As
I made my ways towards the Quad, I noticed how some people looked at me. Some
of them gasped, some just stared at me like if I was a ghost but I didn't pay
any attention to them. Some Trepies wolf-whistled me. Of course, this brought a
small smile to my lips, but I didn't want to let them know. I scanned the room
to see if I could see any of my friends. Spotting the gang nearby I walk to
them. Irvine's jaws almost dropped open when he saw me, and Selphie only told
me how nice I looked while she jumped up and down. Rinoa giggled and Squall nodded
his approval. Zell though, almost chocked on his hot-dog. I smiled at them and
excused myself. With the heat of the people dancing, I felt like if I was
suffocating. I took a glass of wine and decided to head to the balcony.
Blessed,
for everything you given me,
Blessed,
for all the tenderness you shown…
I
sighed. The sight that stood before me was breath taking. The sky was a deep
blue with shining stars everywhere. The gentle breeze played with my hair and I
shivered. As I took another sip of the wine, I heard heavy foot step behind me.
I didn't know who it was, but I decided to ignore it…damn Trepies.
"Quisty?"
the voice from behind asked. My eyes snapped opened at the hearing of that
voice. I froze at the moment dropping the glass I was holding. I turned around
and faced the man who I wanted to see for so long. The lost young man whom
Ultimecia manipulated with unrealistic dreams.
"Seifer?"
I asked in disbelief, "You are…back"
"Yeah,
I am" he said. Tears began to run down my cheeks as I forgot for once to
control my emotions. Without thinking it over, I ran to him and hugged him like
if in any time, he'll disappear. I can't let that happen…not again.
"Nice
to see you too" he declared a little taken aback at my sudden burst of emotion.
I smiled a bit and recomposed myself. He also smiled, which I thought was
really weird, but cute of him.
"I'm
sorry Seifer," I murmured. He looked at me a little baffled. Before he could
ask why, I continued," I'm sorry for being so stuck up with Squall that I didn't
noticed you at all. I'm sorry for never paying attention to you and for being
the main reason of your tragic past. Please forgive me"
He
blinked several times, but then he smiled and said, "You were forgiven a long
time ago."
Do
my best, with every breath that's in me,
Blessed,
to make sure you never go…
I
giggled. I still can't believe I did that, but I did. I still don't know the
reason why he came back, but I needed to know. Whatever was the reason why he
came back, I blessed to Hyne for it.
"Seifer,
why did you come back?" I asked. He looked at me and answered,
"Because
of you"
I
cried. For the third time today, I cried. But this time, it wasn't of sadness,
but rather of happiness. He wiped the tears that was dropping from my eyes and
dried it away. He wrapped his strong arm around my waste and kissed me…
To
make sure you never go…
AN: I know what you are thinking, that was the stupidest
songfic I have ever read and I completely agree. Please review and tell me how
to improve it. Thanks! ^-^
Blessed
By: Fire Mistress