FULL SUMMARY: Desperate for a way to cope with her feelings of desperation after Edward leaves in New Moon, Bella discovers a brand new way to deal at a party in Port Angeles. One night a year after Bella's 18th birthday changes everything. Will anything ever be the same? R&R. Rated M for Mature Themes, Language, Severe Drug and Alcohol usage, and possibly future lemons. ( Not sure I've never written a lemon. I will try though...) If you are sensitive to any of this type of material please feel free to read something else and I am sorry if you are offended.

A/N This is my first time writing anything on fan fic so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know what you like and what you don't like and what you would like to see worked on. I am willing to take suggestions for this story so leave me a review if you want to see something in later chapters and I just may add it in if it fits where my story is going.

A/N/N I do NOT own Twilight. I'll leave that up to the great S. Meyer. I still wish I do though :(

PROLOGUE

BPOV

November

I lay on my bed staring up at my ceiling just thinking. I do that way too much lately. I am currently trying to come up with a good distraction to forget about all of them. About HIM. All I can do is think about him. He is in every though I have. It wouldn't be so bad if the huge gaping hole in my chest didn't tare painfully and get bigger with every thought. Every memory.

I glace over at my alarm clock on my bedside table. FUCK! Only a few hours until I have to go... How did I let Jessica talk me into this in the first place? There's a party in Port Angeles tonight that Jessica has been begging me to go with her to for the past three weeks. I kept saying no but she kept throwing words at me like boys, music, dancing, and booze, only one of those things sounds any good to me right now and that's the booze. Maybe if I can't stop thinking about him I could use a drink to help me forget if only for a few hours... Finally I gave in and said I would go figuring I could kill two birds with one stone by getting not only getting Jess off my back but also my dad Charlie.

Charlie has been bugging me for weeks to go out and do something with my friends. Every time I look at him in the eyes I see all the worry he has for me. No. Can't have any of that. He has already been talking about making me to see a shrink. Now I don't know allot about psychology but I know you have to be pretty honest if you want to get any help. I have too many secrets I have to keep. Even if I did tell someone everything I knew, all it would get me is locked in a padded cell in a tight fitting white jacket. No. That definitely can't happen.

I pick myself up off the bed and slowly shuffle across my room to grab my bag of toiletries off of my dresser and head over to the bathroom to have a shower.

After my shower I stand in front of my full length mirror in my room holding up different outfits to my body. After much debate I finally decide on wearing my crimson sweater dress that I got for the year before, with my favourite black legging and a pair of black ballet flats. I make my way back to the bathroom to finish doing my hair and makeup. I put on a little black eyeliner and mascara, then dab on a light shinny lip gloss on my lips. I blow dry my hair on the low setting, running a little leave in conditioner threw the roots so it doesn't dry out. I take out my big barrel curling iron and add some loose curls to my hair. When I am done I spray about a can of hairspray on my hair, then I just look at myself in the mirror. I don't even know why I'm bothering. It's not like I'm trying to impress anybody.

I stumble my way downstairs somehow managing not to fall, and go into the kitchen. Jess should be here any minute. I quickly grab a piece of paper and a pen from the drawer by the fridge and write a note for Charlie.

Dad,

Just reminding you that I'm going out with Jessica Stanley tonight. Dinners in the fridge. Take the tin foil off BEFORE putting it in the microwave. Cook it for 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Don't wait up.

B.

I tack the note up on the fridge with a magnet. Just then all the windows in the house start to shake and rattle slightly from too much base from someone's car stereo speakers. I hear a car horn blast outside three times. I peek out the window and see Jessica's burnt orange Sunfire in my driveway. I look in the mirror on my way out the door and put the best smile I can on my face, it still kind of looks like a grimace but it will have to do, and concentrate on keeping it there for the night. I rush out the door to Jessica's car and slide into the passenger seat.

"Hey Jess!" I shout over the loud music blaring from her speakers.

Jess turns down her music a few notches and squeals. "Bella! Oh my fucking God! You look fucking amazing. Thank you soo much for coming with me! I promise it will be a blast."

I have to control myself from rolling my eyes at her enthusiasm. 'Keep it together Swan! You can do this! It's only for a few hours, and then you can go home and quit pretending.' I tell myself mentally for what seems like the millionth time since I agreed to this whole night.

"Jess, you know I could never turn you down. Thanks again for bringing me with you. I really need to get out of the house."

Again I almost roll my eyes. Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to just lock myself in my room all day and never have to leave again. Never having to pretend again that I am happy and alright with my life... God like I even care about life anymore. My entire reason for being is gone. What is left to care about?

'No Bella! 'I mentally scolded myself again. 'I have to keep up the act. If only for Charlie's sake.'

"Girl you know I'm there for you! Plus I have a few plans for tonight that will definitely help distract you and help you get your mind off things. Trust me..." Jess winks at me.

Now she has my full attention. A distraction? Was that even possible? "What kind of plans?" I ask trying to keep myself from hoping too much.

"Just trust me and go with it. Follow my lead. You'll see... I promise it will be great!" With that she cranks the stereo back up and we continue our drive to Port Angeles, all the while Jessica is screaming out the words to random songs in her horribly off key voice. I just sit there staring out the passenger window into the black nothingness thinking.

By the time we pull up to the house in Port Angeles I have decided to go along with whatever Jessica has planned. I'm despret and it's worth a shot. Anything to dull the pain. Maybe if her plan works I won't hurt so badly.

We walk up the path and into the house and it seems the entire population of Forks High school is here. Great. Just. Fucking. Great. And here I was hoping that because the party was out of town there wouldn't be allot of people we knew here. Oh well. What can I do about it? Hopefully no one will see me. I can't deal with all the staring right now.

We make our way through the living room with Jessica stopping every now and then to talk with some she knew. I could feel all the eyes on me. Everyone was looking at me. Probably wondering what I was doing here when I had cast myself as a social pariah. Just then we bumped into Mike Newton and Tyler Crowley.

"Oh, hey Bella! Hey Jess!" Mike shouts over the music. He smiles a really big hopeful smile at me. Yeah... Ummm... How's about no... Tyler has a big grin on his face as well when he sees us.

"What's up? You guys here alone?" Mike asks.

"Yeah, I really needed to get out of the house and Jess over here promised to make all my worries go away. Didn't yeah Jess?" I look over at her hoping to get the spot light off me and see Jessica swaying her hips slightly to the music.

"Damn straight girlie! Now step one of my master plan is to get as many drinks into our hot little bodies tonight as fast as possible." Jess says. Okay... So far not too bad. I was already going to drink my weight in alcohol to try and numb myself. "Oh, Tyler did you get that stuff I asked you to bring?" She continues. Tyler nods his head and hands Jessica four blue pills and two light yellow ones. "Are they any good?" she asks.

Tyler clutches his chest dramatically and says, "Jess, baby. I'm hurt and surprised you even have to ask. Have I ever given you anything you didn't like?" He wags his eyebrows up and brow and then winks at her with a big cheeky grin on his face.

Jess giggles and shakes her head no. She gives Tyler a kiss on the cheek and says "I pay you for it later," and winks at him. With that she turns around, grabs my wrist, and starts leading me towards the kitchen.

"Boys, if you'll excuse us. Bella and I need to get ourselves a couple of drinks. Meet us in the backyard in ten!" Jess calls over her shoulder.

Once we are in the kitchen Jessica hurries about mixing all sorts of alcohol into two plastic cups. She then adds a splash of coke to each. I just stand there staring at Jessica. What did Tyler give here? That wasn't what I thought it was? Was it? If it was how come I didn't know about it before tonight? Maybe I have it wrong... But then again she did talk about paying him for it... Did that mean Tyler was a deal...? I'll just ask her and then I'll know for myself.

"Jess? What did Tyler give you back there?" I ask slightly worried. Strangely enough I am more curious than anything.

"Just a couple tabs of E. You want to try some?" She asks handing me a cup almost filled to the rim.

"I don't know... Isn't that shit supposed to be bad for you? I mean... What does it even do?" I finally asked slightly intrigued.

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. You just feel different... Better... Everything feels really good and tingly... I don't know... Here just take one and find out for yourself. I promise you'll feel really good and I'll keep a close eye on you."

Well I did decide I was going to go along with whatever Jessica had planned for tonight so why not? Who's going to stop going to stop me? It's not like the one person who truly matters the most to me care about me anymore right?

"Okay. I'll try one."

Jessica hands me a single blue pill. I put in on my tongue and down it with some of my drink. I take a few gulps when suddenly my eyes almost bulge out of my head. I have to work hard not to expel the foul liquid from my mouth. My throat burns. My lungs burn.

"HOLY HELL! What the fuck is this?" I ask Jess while I'm still gasping for air.

She giggles and says, "A little bit of everything and a splash of coke for color. It tastes gross the first time you drink try it but it gets better the more you drink. Plus it really does the job so I figure ' Why the hell not? 'Right? Now down that mother and I'll make you another one. Hurry up. We've got to meet the guys in the yard right away." I plug my nose like I used to when I was younger and my mother forced me to eat lima beans, and down the rest of my drink. Already I am starting to feel a little light headed.

Jessica pulls out two more blue pills and pops them in her mouth, then downs her drink. She then sets about making two more drinks. Once she is finished she hands me my cup and we make our way out the back door.

We spot Tyler and Mike sitting with a few people we know from school in a small circle on the grass. Tyler looks up from the conversation he is having and a huge smile spreads across his face.

"Did I tell yeah or did I tell yeah Jessie girl?" Tyler asks with a smug smile on his face when he sees Jessica.

"Mm mm, yeah you told me alright. How are you feeling Bella? Do you feel anything yet?" Jessica asks me.

I think about that for a minute. "Not really. I mean I feel a little tingly but that could be from whatever the hell I'm drinking." I giggle.

"Here take another one then and we will have a hoot while we wait for it to kick in." Jessica says passing me another blue pill. I knock it back with some of my drink. Hmmm... Jess is right. This stuff does get better the more you drink of it. Must be because it's killing both brain cells and taste buds.

Jessica pulls out a black metal smoke pack that has a white skull printed on it. The skull is printed on a bright pink background and has three red roses around its head. In between its teeth is a long steamed red rose. It has three bullet holes in its forehead. Jess opens the smoke pack and pulls out a joint with something brown and sticky on it. It almost looks like a light layer of molasses is coating the joint. She pulls out a pink zippo with a white playboy bunny on it, and lights the joint. She takes a few puffs from the end that's not lit and then passes it to me.

"What's on it?" I ask taking the joint.

Jessica giggles, rolls her eyes and says, "Its oil Hun. Damn you're cute! I forgot you're a newbie to all this. It's called an Oreo. Just take a few quick puffs and hold it in for as long as you can."

I hold the joint between my middle finger and my thumb and bring it to my lips. I take one, two, three, big puffs. All of the sudden I am doubled over hacking my lungs out. I quickly reach out for my drink that Mike is passing me and down half of it, trying to put out the burning fire in my lungs and throat. When I can finally breathe again I feel so embarrassed. No one else is couching like I was and they all took as much as me if not more. I look around expecting to see everyone laughing at me or at the very least staring at me like usual but surprisingly no one seems to have noticed my embarrassing couching fit.

Tyler winks at me and says, "Don't feel bad Bella. As they say ' If you ain't chokin', you ain't token' ' Just take smaller hoots and you won't cough quite so bad next time." He hands me the joint back.

This time I know what to expect. I take the joint between my fingers and lift it to my lips and take two smaller puffs. I hold the smoke in as long as I possibly can before blowing out a big cloud of smoke. I cough a little bit this time but not nearly as much as the first time. We continue to pass around the joint in our small circle until it's finally finished.

Suddenly I feel like I am floating on a cloud. I feel so relaxed. My head is spinning. I slump down on the grass and giggle at little bit at the head rush I feel. This is the most peaceful I have felt since they were last here, I think to myself. I wonder what they are doing right now. Alice is probably driving everyone nuts with her crazy shopping compulsion. She's probably bouncing off the wall with her hyperness like she used to. At this very moment. Emmett is probably cracking jokes at everyone's sex lives and saying things that are really inappropriate. Rosalie is most likely glued to any shinny object she can see her perfect reflection in making sure not a single hair is out of place. Probably gloating that she finally got what she wanted and the human problem is finally out of her families lives for good. Jasper is most likely reading his history books and shaking his head at all the mistake that humans have made about the past. Esme is probably currently working on a current design project. Perhaps their new house they live in, and Carlisle is most likely working long shifts at whatever hospital he transferred to and when he isn't working he is probably do his research about God knows what. I wonder what HE is doing right now... Has he moved on? Probably. He probably found a beautiful vampire mate he could truly love. She probably has long blond hair and is perfect in every way that I'm not. I wait a minute for the familiar pain from thinking about them to come but I just feel numb. It feels kind of nice to be able to think about them without being in pain.

Jess comes over to me and giggles. I look at her and can't help but giggle too. I can't help it, I feel so free. "How are you feeling?" She asks me sitting on the grass next to me.

"Amazing is the only word that comes to mind right now. I finally feel good again. "I smile.

We sit in silence for a few minutes just enjoying our highs and relaxing. Jessica suddenly stands up and grabs my hand. "Come on lets go dance!"

We finish the rest of our drink and head back into the house with Mike and Tyler following right behind us. We make our way through the kitchen and into the living room. The living room has been converted into a dance floor so we make our way onto it and I start to sway my hips to the music. It's like I can feel each note touching my skin, and moving through my body. Moving all around me. It feels wonderful. Tyler puts his hand on the small of my back and leans in to whisper in my ear.

"You feel it now? Don't you? Just go with it... Don't worry; we won't let anything bad happen to you. Do you want another drink?"

I try to concentrate on what Tyler is saying but all I can think about is how amazing his warm hand feels on the small of my back. It's like I can feel each skin cell moving and changing as it moves with the fabric of my shirt. It's sending tingles up and down my spine. I close my eyes and marvel at the sensation.

"Sure!" I say after a moment remembering he asked me a question when he touched me. It's hard snapping out of the trance like state I'm in. I really don't want to... Everything is so much more vivid and clear. It's like i can see the little dust motes in the air... Hmmmm... I wonder if I can catch them all...

Tyler takes me by the hand and leads me back into the kitchen. He keeps chuckling every now again... Hmmm... I wonder what's so funny. "What's funny?" I ask him when we get into the kitchen. He shakes his head and chuckles again, then picks me up and sits me down on the counter by all the booze.

"That's not fair... I want to know what's funny too. Maybe I want to laugh too. You ever think of that? Hmmm?" I ask Tyler starting to give him a hard time.

"Well, honestly Bella... I'm laughing at the situation. If someone would have come up to me a year ago and told me you were going to be at a party in Port Angeles and not only would you be drinking but also doing Ex, smoking pot and above all else LIKING IT, I would have laughed my ass off at then and told then to get some glasses and possibly go see a doctor about some crazy pills or something like that. But now I see a whole new side of you. It just blows my mind..."

"Oh. Okay then... I guess I get where you're coming from." I say not really sure what to think.

Tyler then gestures to the counter filled with every different alcohol you could think of. "So my lovely Bella. What's your poison?" Tyler asks me.

"Anything other than what Jess has been making me all night that shit is fucking terrible. I don't know how she can drink it."

"So that's what Jess made you, hey? One of her special witches brews. Everything but the kitchen sinks. The only reason I think she doesn't literally add the sink is because it's too big for the cup!" Tyler snort at his own joke.

I can't help but giggle. It is kind of funny. "I'm not sure what I want though. What do you suggest?" I ask after we have both calmed down from our giggle fit.

"What do you say we do a couple of different shots and then I'll make you a Porn Star?"

"What's a Porn Star?" I can't help but ask.

"It's really good. It's half an ounce of Blue Curacao liqueur and half an ounce of Raspberry Sourpuss. When they mix together they turn purple and taste amazing. You just have to try it to get the whole experience..." Tyler says. "Do you want me to make it in a shot or a drink for you? I can add some 7-Up if you want so it's not as strong." Tyler adds.

"I'll have it as a shot first so I can get the full effect. Maybe if I like it later I'll have it as a drink." I respond.

Tyler nods his head and walks over to the counter with what looks to be hundreds of different bottles on it. He scans threw the bottles before picking one out and pouring some into a shot glass he grabs from one of the cupboards.

"Okay, first we are going to do a traditional tequila shot. Lick the back of your hand." Tyler says turning his back to me to rummage in the cupboards again.

I do as he asks and lick the back of my hand. I giggle as it tickles a little bit. Tyler is facing me again with a salt shaker in his hand and he sprinkles some salt on my hand where I just licked, so it now stuck to my skin. Tyler walks over to a bowl of lemons on the counter top and picks one out. He proceeds to cut it into perfectly neat wedges.

"Okay, so first you lick the salt off your hand. Next you knock back your shot, and then you finish it all off my sucking on your lemon wedge last." Tyler says handing me a piece of lemon. "Ready? Cheers!" We clink our glasses together and take our shots.

Hmmm... Not bad... It burns a little going down but it's a good kind of burn.

"Up next, keeping with the tequila theme you can try some Boha Rosa." He says pouring some creamy, pink, liquid into the shot glasses.

"What does it taste like?" I wonder out loud.

"It's strawberries and cream with tequila. Trust me it's really good. You're going to want more."

Tyler hands me my shot glass again and we clink them together again saying "Cheers." We down out shots and I hand my shot glass back eagerly.

"Damn that was good!" I exclaim.

"Told yeah so!" Tyler laughs at my enthusiasm.

"I want more of that! And not a prissy little size shot of it either. It's so good I swear I could drink that entire bottle and then some!" I tell Tyler.

"Okay! After you have tried the Porn Star it you still want more, you can have as much as you want. I promise." Tyler chuckles when he sees me start to pout.

"Fine!" I huff. I really want more!

Tyler walks back to the cupboard and looks through all the bottles again before he pulls out two bottles. He then grabs two large looking shot glasses from the cupboard and fills one of the shot glasses with the blue liquid. He then unscrews the lid to the red liquid and fills the second shot glass as well. He grabs a shaker out of the cupboard and adds the contents of the shot glasses and some ice. He screws the lid back on and shakes the shaker for a few moments before pouring the liquid into the two shot glasses.

Tyler hands one of the shot glasses to me and I look at the beautiful color of purple the liquid is. I take a sniff of the bright purple liquid in my shot glass. It smells pretty good. I stick my tongue in to taste it and Oh My God! It tastes amazing! I knock back my shot without even waiting for Tyler. I contemplate licking my shot glass to get every last drop but decide against it for fear of what people would think if they were to see me. I think about asking for another one but I decide I want more Boha Rosa first.

"You want more of that?" Tyler asks sensing my instant love for Porn Stars.

"Yes! But first I want more of that pink heaven! Like a whole cup of it!" I slur slightly. I can already feel the effects of the alcohol.

Tyler chuckles and shakes his head to himself but grabs the bottle of Boha Rosa aka pink heaven and fills up two red plastic beer cups. I grab the drink from Tyler's hand just as he finishes making it. I give him a cheeky grin while sipping away at my drink.

"Okay Bella, I get it. You like Boha Rosa." Tyler says as I hand him back an empty cup. "Now do you want another Porn Star? This time I'll make it into a drink and add some 7-Up to it so you can nurse it a bit." Tyler asks.

I think about this for a moment and decide I do want another Porn Star because it was just that good. I nod my head yes and Tyler turn back to the cupboard mixing everything together to make the drink.

"Here," Tyler says handing me my cup, which is now filled with bright purply goodness, "I made it a double so you may want to take it slow. It's pretty strong and you really shouldn't mix too many different types of alcohol. You'll feel like shit warmed over in the morning. Believe me when I tell you that." Tyler says making a face as if he is recalling a bad memory. I take my drink from Tyler's hand and down it in three long swallows. I can't help it. It's just so damn good and it makes me feel so much better. Like I can actually stand to simply exist. Maybe even live a little. I like it allot. I haven't felt this alive since they were all here with me. Since HE was last here with me.

When Tyler sees me down my drink he shakes his head to himself and sighs. "Bella I know you like Porn Stars but I'm dead serious. You're going to wake up with one hell of a hangover in the morning if you don't slow down, Come on lets go dance for a little bit and then we can come back and get something else to drink later. I don't want you feeling like crap tomorrow." Tyler says sounding concerned.

"Honestly, I don't really care if I feel sick tomorrow. I feel so fucking good right now anything I feel later will be one hundred percent worth it. I feel like I can face anything and not have to worry about the consequences or the bad things that are bound to happen." I tell Tyler trying to ease his worry.

"Well still, we have all night to get as drunk as we want. You don't want to end up passing out in a stranger's house with a bunch of fuckers you don't know all around you, do you? Let's go dance for a bit. You still haven't really felt what it's like to dance while you're on E. It's really fucking awesome." Tyler says poking me in the ribs. That action alone sends shiver throughout my whole body,

"Okay... But I'll probably just end up falling flat on my face!" I giggle at the mental image I have conjured up in my head and feel a flush of heat rush to my cheeks. "I'm a terrible dancer." I admit.

"Meh. Don't worry, I won't let you fall. It will be fun. Don't worry what you look like and let loose. Go with the flow. Ya know?" Tyler winks at me.

I giggle. "You rhymed! You're a poet and you didn't even know it!" I start giggling out of control. For some reason I find this extremely funny. Tyler just looks at me with a big grin on his face shaking his head to himself. He then grabs my hand and leads me back into the living room.

As we make our way onto the dance floor Lady Gaga's 'Starstruck' starts blasting from several very large speakers set up all around the room. I start to sway my hips to the familiar beat. Tyler leads me to the middle of the dance floor and we start to dance together. He puts his hands on my hips to help guide how he wants me to move.

I turn around, close my eyes, and start to grind myself against Tyler slightly. He grabs my hips more firmly and pulls me in closer. I start to imagine it's HIM dancing like this with me. That he would even want to dance like this with me. That it is HIM touching me like this. I sigh knowing better than to do this to myself. I force myself to turn around and face Tyler.

I take a quick, deep breath and turn around. Slowly I open my eyes and sure enough it's just Tyler. I can't help but feel a little disappointed. I know it wasn't him but I can't help wishing it was. I know I will never see him again. After all he did say, "It will be as if I never existed." I just need to find a way to deal with that.

Tyler and I dance to several more songs before Jessica and Mike make their way over to us. Jess lets go of Mike's hand and dances her way over towards me.

"Do you want to go out for another toke with us? I'm starting to burn out and we can't let that happen now can we?" Jess giggles.

"Most definitely! What are we smoking this time? Another Oreo or is it just going to be a regular joint this time?" I ask.

"An Oreo of course! If you want later we can smoke some really primo homey oil I managed to pick up earlier. It gets you really fucked up, really fast. Plus it's a creeper so it will last twice as long."

"Wait a minute... Honey oil? Creeper? I feel like such a newbie. I don't even know how to smoke oil without it being on a joint." I grumble feeling inadequate.

"Don't worry babe. We'll teach you. It'll really easy when you have the right tools. We can go first so you can see how to do it and then when it's your turn we'll walk you through it step by step just to make sure you've got the hang of it." Jessica says. "But for now let's go smoke a couple joints. Once were done we'll come back in here and do the whole oil thing." She smiles at me.

I nod my head and follow Jessica, Mike, and Tyler outside.

We sit in a small circle on the slightly damp grass again and Jessica pulls out two joints, covered in oil, from her smoke pack. She hands one to Tyler, who is sitting directly across from her, and he then proceeds to light it. Jessica lights her joint and takes a few puffs, then passes it to me. I take a few good sized puffs and pass it on to Tyler who has passed his joint on to Mike. Before I know it both joints are finished and I am feeling pretty damn good. All of my bad feelings from before are gone and now all that's left is a feeling of content numbness.

We sit outside for a little while, just relishing in our high from all the drugs and alcohol in our systems. A gentle cool breeze blows my hair in my face and I giggle because it tickles. Suddenly I am hit with a memory of HIS cool breath on my skin and how the wind felt blowing through my hair when he ran with me on his back. Once again the memories don't hurt. It feels kind of nice.

I close my eyes and allow myself to think about him. His liquid gold eyes, his beautiful crooked smile, his gorgeous, untamed, penny bronze hair. His perfect marble, god like body. This is the first time I have been able to think about him so clearly without being crushed with the unbearable pain that the hole in my chest causes. I open my eyes and smile to myself.

Jessica gets up and leads me inside to the kitchen by my hand. "Okay, now it's time for you to try some honey. First I need to heat up the stove. Oh... can you grab me my knife out of my purse? It has pink and black electrical tape around the handle." Jessica says handing me her purse. She then turns around and makes herself a fresh drink.

I open the purse and find the knife very quickly. Although when I am looking for the knife I can't help but notice all the drug paraphernalia in her purse. She has several pipes, zigzag rolling papers, flavoured rolling papers in what looks like every flavour, lighters, something called flavour shots, and a rather large Zip-lock baggie filled with weed. I close the purse after I grab the knife out of it and Jessica both the knife and her purse back.

She puts the knife in between the element coils, which are now glowing a bright, fiery red, and turns to face me. She pulls out something from her purse that looks like a syringe but i notice it doesn't have a needle on the tip. Instead there is what looks like the metal inside of a twist-tie, twisted together to make a loop at the end. The twist tie is held on with some black electrical tape. At the other end of the syringe is the casing to a pen making the whole thing twice as long?

Jess digs in her purse again for a minute and pulls out a hallowed out fuse from a stove. The lid consists of a quarter acting as a stopper. Inside the fuse is some dark brown molasses looking oil. If you look at it closely you can see that it has a golden tint around the edges.

"Okay, so first things first. Once the knife is heated up you scoop some oil onto your hooter. You take the knife out from between the element and hold it flat. That's important because nothing hurts worse than dropping a hot hoot on yourself. Trust me on that." Jessica grimaces. "So next you take the hooter and press it to the hot part of the knife, moving it around a bit while sucking in all the smoke. Got it?" She asks looking at me.

I nod my head trying to process the information. "Yeah, I think so... I still want to watch you guys take yours first so I know for sure what to do."

"Good idea Bella. That way you can see the masters at work and get the technique down perfectly." Tyler jokes nudging me playfully with his elbow.

I just laugh as Jess gets her hoot ready and moves closer to the stove. I keep my eyes on her as she takes her hoot. It looks simple enough. Just to be sure I watch Tyler and Mike closely when they take theirs as well.

All of the sudden it's my turn and I am slightly anxious. I am worried that my natural born clumsiness is going to choose now to kick in and I will drop the hot knife on foot or something and end up burning myself. I shove aside my fears and move closer to the stove. Jessica takes the hooter and scoops some oil onto it. She then hands it to me. I make sure to take notice of how much she puts on it for future references.

I reach out and grab the hot knife from the stove and take my hoot. I quickly put the knife back in place when I am finished and hold my breath. I count to thirty. The whole time my lungs are begging and screaming at me for fresh, clean air. After thirty seconds I blow out a big cloud of grey smoke, couching a little bit as I take lungful's of fresh air.

"Wasn't so hard now was it Bella?" Mike says teasing me and poking me in the ribs. I blush as red as a tomato and try to hide my embarrassment by tucking my head into my sweater. Everyone just cracks up more but eventually turn their attention back to the stove. For this I am thankful.

After we all have about five or six hoots of oil we make ourselves another drink and head off to dance for a bit. This time Jessica decides she wants to dance with Tyler for a bit so that means I am dancing with Mike. The song 'One Night Stand' by Exit This Side was just finishing when one of the best song to dance came on. 'Swing' by Savage starts pumping from the massive speaker and I just have to let loose a little. It's like I have no control of my body.

I push my ass out a bit into Mike's groin and start to bring it up and down. I drop to the floor and then bring myself up very slowly, curving out my back, sticking out my ass a little more, and pushing my chest forward slightly at the very same time. I flip my hair back out of my face and wrap one of my arms around Mike's neck and start to move my hips in slow circles. Each circle getting my ass deeper and deeper into Mike's groin.

The song finishes quickly and right away another one of my favourite songs to dance to comes on. The music jumps into 'I Know You Want Me' by Pitbull and I just have to move my body like I know I can. No more of this half assed dancing like I have been doing all night. I feel like I need to really move or I will lose my mind. I haven't "dance" danced since before they left. It almost felt wrong before. But now seemed somehow justified.

Now something no one knows about me is that although I am not a very graceful dancer or person in general, any kind of hip-hop I can dance to with ease. Before HE took everything I cared and loved away from me Alice had taken it upon herself to teach me to dance. She said it was to help form a stronger bond between us and I have to admit it worked. After trying, and failing, several different forms of dance, Rosalie suggested I try hip-hop. After one lesson from Alice I was hooked. I took to it almost immediately, my clumsiness never once showing through. Alice was the real reason I took to hip-hop so immediately. Whenever she could pry me away from HIM we were dancing. Whenever HE was away hunting we were dancing. I got really good too. Too bad HE never got to see how good I got.

Although I haven't danced like this in a while my whole body throws itself into the beat of the music... I start popping my booty to the song while swivelling my hips in lazy patterns. "One, Two, Three, Four, Uno, Dos, Tres, Quattro..." I toss my head to the side with each word, my hair flying everywhere. At 'Quattro' I twist my head around and snap my hair back out of my face and turn on the ball of my feet to face Mike, still popping my ass and moving my hips.

Normally I would be self-conscious but with all the drugs and liquid courage in me I don't even notice anyone in the room with me. Mike is basically just a prop, not a person. I start to work my body harder, using my prop to really get into it. I end up getting so sucked into my dancing I don't even realize that everyone in the room has stopped talking and is currently staring at me in shock with their mouths wide open letting all the flies in.

When the song is finally over I stop dancing and look around wondering why the music hasn't gone onto the next song right away. It's quiet. Too quiet. That's when I notice everyone is staring at me. I blush a deep crimson almost matching my outfit I'm sure. I can't believe I was just dancing like that in front of everyone with Mike... Oh My God! MIKE? I spin around quickly to look at him in the eyes. His lids are heavy and his eyes are filled with... lust? And what looks to be quite a bit of shock.

All of the sudden everyone around me breaks out into cheers. Tyler and Jessica are at my side almost instantly.

"Oh my fucking God B! Where the hell did you learn to move like that? You have to teach me!" Jessica says at the same time Tyler says, "You said you couldn't dance you liar! You held out on me the entire time we were dancing! I demand another dance."

The whole time during the exchange Mike is trying to compose himself. Something tells me to look down for some reason and when I do I can't help but notice that Mike has a little problem he is subtly trying to deal with. I blush again and quickly look away. I can't believe I have that effect on him. I start to feel not only confident but kind of sexy. For a second I think maybe there isn't something wrong with me. Maybe, just maybe there was something wrong with HIM. But then reality hits me and I realize I am comparing myself to a God. Of course I'm not good enough. He was probably just holding out for someone better. Blonder. Someone perfect like him. That's why he never wanted to change me. Because I wasn't the one for him. I was the one for right now. At least I could have some kind of effect on somebody. That must mean I'm not completely repulsive.

While everyone is surrounding me I see Mike sneaking off. Towards the bathroom? OH MY GOD! He isn't going to do what I think he is, is he? I see him look over his shoulder around the room seeing if anyone is watching him then he adjusts himself in his pants. He slips into the bathroom. HE SO IS! I find this very funny and can't help the chuckle that escapes my lips. Tyler comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. Weird, I didn't even know he was gone. Jessica has disappeared too. Maybe she went to find Mike.

"It's time for my REAL dance." Tyler says chuckling to himself. The music starts back up and this time ' Get Down Hit The Floor' by Twista and Pitbull fills the room." Like the song? I wanted to see what you could do with it. Think we can make this interesting?" He asks. I can hear a grin in his voice.

I just nod my head. I hear a challenge. He wants me to make this interesting? Okay, lets show him and everyone else here what little Bella Swan can really do. I grin evilly and start popping my hips around in every direction in time with the beat of the drum.

"Ready?" I ask Tyler.

"Oh yeah Bella baby, I was born ready..." He whispers in my ear.

I turn to face Tyler still popping my hips in every direction, never the same way twice. At the part when the song says 'Get Down' I move my chest forwards and shoulders back with a swivel. When they say ' Hit the Floor' I swivel my hips and hit the floor, sticking my ass into Tyler's groin as I make my way back up. Each time I come back up I move my ass deeper and deeper into Tyler, and move my hips a little bit more. I flip my hair all over the place and let the music completely take me over. I put everything I have into my dancing.

After the song is over I blow the hair out of my face and smile when I see Tyler's face. He is standing there, just as Mike had, staring at me like I have grown a third head. I chuckle and lean up to whisper in his ear. "Interesting enough for you Tyler?" I laugh out loud and walk over to where I spot Jessica standing watching me.

"You know Jess, I think you were right."

"About what?" She asks staring at me. There is a big grin on her face.

"All I needed was a good distraction. Everything actually feels pretty damn good right about now." I smile.

Jessica's grin turns into a full blown smile. "Told yeah so! Come on lets go get another drink. The night is still young!"

The Next Morning...

I wake up as soon as the light from outside comes in my room through my window. OH MY GOD! What happened to my head? It feels like I got hit by a truck, punched in the head by a prize fighter, and then someone just so happened to find a hammer lying around and decided to beat me repeatedly in the head with it over and over.

I quickly grabbed my blanket and rolled over, throwing it over my head. I just as quickly find out how big of a mistake fast movements are. As soon as I move, my stomach goes in two different directions at once. I throw my blankets back in one swift move and grab my trash can from beside my bed. All the contents of my stomach are now sitting at the bottom of my rusty, metal, garbage can. After several more minutes of dry heaving I move my trash can back to where it belongs and ease myself back into bed.

"Ughhhh..." I moan out into my room. I wince at the noise. Note to self: Don't make a peep. I swear I can hear the electricity running through the walls. I get up off my bed and pad my way towards the bathroom in search of painkiller. I open the medicine cabinet once I am in the washroom and grab the bottle of extra strength Advil liquid gels. I shake four out into my hand, and fill a glass with water from the tap.

After I take the pills I go back to my room. God it stinks in here. That garbage can has got to go. I'm getting nauseous just standing here. I walk over to the trash can and pick it up, holding it as far away from me as humanly possible. I take it downstairs, setting it by the front door and hunt around for pair of sunglasses because of course the one day I just happen to have a hangover it just so happen to be a rare sunny day in Forks. With sunglasses firmly planted on my face I set off outside to empty the garbage can in the bin in front of our house. When that's done I go to the kitchen and pull out the bleach from under the sink and pour some in my garbage can, making sure to clean every square inch of the thing. After I rinse the bleach out I pour some baking soda in just to make sure the smell of vomit is for sure gone.

When my trash can is clean I go back up to my room. Charlie has already gone out fishing with Harry Clearwater and Billy Black so I don't have to worry about him until later on tonight. Hopefully by then I won't look or feel as crappy as I do right now. I walk into my room and the air is stale and smells of sweat, alcohol and vomit. My stomach churns from the smell so I rush to the window opening it to help get rid of the horrid smell. As soon as the window is open the hole in my chest tares right open, and burns out of control. I am on fire. I realize at that moment that my window hasn't been open since the night he left me...

I fall to my knees on the floor sobbing. He's never coming back! His face floods my mind and all I can think about is HIM. All I can see is HIM! "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! HE NEVER DID! YOU WERE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM, DIDN'T YOU EVER SEE THAT? YOU WERE JUST HIS PLAY THING. SOMETHING TO USE FOR A LITTLE WHILE UNTIL HE GOT BORED THEN HE COULD THROW YOU AWAY LIKE THE GARBAGE THAT YOU ARE!" My mind screams at me. I can't deal with this pain. I can't breathe, I'm suffocating. Last night I was fine. I was able to think about him and there wasn't a single problem. Now this morning something as simple as opening a window sets me off? I can't live like this anymore. I can't live the rest of my life living in unbearable pain. I will only end up hurting Charlie and Renee and they are all that matter to me anymore. For once I am going to think about me first. I am going to do what I think is best for me.

I walk across my room, messily wiping the tears that are falling from my eyes. I don't know why I bother. They won't stop coming anyways. The sobbing has calmed down though, at least that's something I can be thankful for. I grab my cell phone off my night stand and scroll through my contacts. I find who I am looking for and hit talk. The phone rings three times before she picks up.

"Hello?" Says a groggy voice.

"Hey Jess. Listen sorry for waking you but do you know anyone I can get a couple grams from? I need another distraction..."

"Oh, hey Bella. It's not a problem. Yeah I can hook you up with my dealer. Just give me a minute to text him and let him know I coming by with someone and I'll swing by your place in a few and pick you up." She says sounding more awake.

"Thanks Jess. I'll see you soon." We say our goodbyes and hang up.

If this is how I have to spend the rest of my life getting high as fuck and drunk out of my mind all of the time so I'm not in pain and I can cope with day to day life then so is it. That's what I'm going to have to do. He was always telling me he wanted me to experience everything I could as a human. Well here you go. Just watch how human I'm about to get.

That was how it all started...

E/A/N: So how do you like my revamped story so far? I am hoping I have caught the majority of my mistakes this time. Leave me some love and you may get a new chapter by the end of the week ;) I took an extended holiday from this story because when I was re-reading my last few chapters a few months ago I found tons of grammar and spelling mistakes. I was so horrified with my work that I had to take a step back and re-group. After I took some time to think over how I wanted to re-launch my story I found out my old laptop had finally kicked the proverbial bucket. Some not so fun family drama and finding out you can't always trust even the ones closest to you and it was just a boat load of fun… Not. But now things are looking up. I am officially going back to school in the spring to finish my grade twelve and after that's all said and done I am going to school to get my bachelors of science to become a nurse. Hopefully these happy times right now means I will be able to peel out the chapters for you all but let's face it everyone. I am freaking slow at typing.

I am currently working on all of my chapters I had published for Forgotten Twilight, and will officially be posting once I have them all revamped and edited. Plus I would like to have at least one new chapter written for all of you who have waited for my story so patiently.

Sorry for this long A/N and hopefully you will hear from me soon.

Much Love

Misspink775