Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. Square Enix and Tetsuya Nomura do.
A/N: This is a random, short and ridiculous entry that I decded to write very fast for a challenge that I posted. As I don't believe anyone else tried it, I thought it might be a good exercise in me attempting it. Anyway, this story is somewhat strange, but hopefully it makes some sense.
Tough Life
Three figures sat together, seemingly bored and very tired. They knew they should have been heading to Nibelheim, but having been rerouted for a quick mission in Costa del Sol, they were now stuck in the coastal town. Unfortunately, a series of events had left them confused and... not in the best of moods.
"Sephiroth... how long do I have to hold this pie for?"
"Until the backup units arrive."
"And why am I the one holding it?"
"Because I'm keeping watch and the last member of our mission team is incapacitated. Besides, you're the youngest."
"I'm sixteen. I'm not that young."
"Young enough."
"To hold a pie with a suspicious looking fruit smack in the middle of it that you suspect is a transformed piece of dangerous materia?"
"Think of it as a mission – to escort a potentially deadly item until the squad arrives to deliver it to the research team."
"My only question is why it has to look... like a grapefruit."
"Transform materia can take on strange appearances if in certain places for enough years. Perhaps that is what happened."
"... so you're saying that a Transform materia, that you usually use to transform enemies into frogs or mini versions of themselves, went wrong and transformed itself because it was sitting in a grapefruit tree?"
"It's a possibility."
"Great."
There was silence for a little while, interrupted by the occasional ribbit. After a few moments though, the ribbiting became very loud and obnoxious.
Sigh.
"Sorry Zack... we'll figure something out."
"Ribbit."
"It is strange... there must be something very wrong with this materia. Seeing as a Maiden's Kiss did nothing... nor did an Esuna..."
"Hey, couldn't we just knock him out?"
"RIBBIT!"
"I'm just making a suggestion!"
"It seems as though he's not interested in your idea, Cloud."
"Because he's stuck as a frog and we don't know how to change him back."
"Exactly."
The two men and one frog sat together in silence, awaiting the arrival of the backup unit to come and take the materia turned grapefruit away from them. Eventually though, with boredom settling into their minds, they started to converse again.
"You know, it is a shame about the pie."
"Yeah. Best thing we can do now though, right?"
"True. It's a good thing Zack threw the materia into the pie right before he transformed, otherwise we might have some trouble with it."
"You mean grapefruit?"
"Ribbit ribbit ribbit."
"Yes, thank you Zack."
Groan.
"This is getting kind of boring. And the pie is making me hungry. Is it all right if I get a cookie or something?"
"No. You're still on duty."
"Guarding a grapefruit?"
"Materia."
"Whatever."
"It's more dangerous than that meteor that nearly hit you."
"A radioactive meteor that's been sitting in a locked isolation chamber for years and got temporarily stolen? That was dangerous. A grapefruit that's really a mutated materia that's turned a first-class SOLDIER into a frog? I don't know."
"Ribbit ribbit!"
"Sorry Zack."
"He seems to be taking this better than you."
"Thank you."
"Would you prefer your places switched?"
"Well, no..."
"Then consider yourself lucky. Or feel lucky that we are in Costa del Sol and not freezing at Icicle Inn."
"Grapefruits don't grow in places with snow."
"Ribbit!"
"I really wish I could understand you right now, Zack..."
"Ribbit ribbit!"
"This is getting ridiculous."
"Do you know of any ways of getting Zack back to normal then?"
"Only that story behind the name of Maiden's Kiss."
"... I am not kissing him."
"RIBBIT!"
"Apparently, he agrees."
"Ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit."
"Or he's desperate."
"You're kidding me. Couldn't we find his girlfriend to help... or can't we just touch him with the grapefruit again?"
"Materia."
"Whatever."
"You can try, if he agrees. I would not suggest it though."
"Okay then... Zack, would you mind if you tried touching the grapefruit?"
"... ribbit."
"All right. Let me put down the pie..."
"Cloud, this does not seem like a good idea. I would stop you except that I myself don't know what to do."
"Ribbit ribbit."
POOF.
"... wark."
"What the... why is he a CHOCOBO?!"
"Wark!"
"Sorry!"
"Why don't we try that again..."
"Or... we could just leave him."
"WAAAAARK!!!"
Smack.
"OW! OW! I was joking! Just touch the thing!"
"Wark."
POOF.
"Dammit Cloud, that was not funny!"
"Zack, you're human again!"
"I'd better be... okay, we'd better not touch the stupid materia grapefruit thing again."
"Agreed. We've already become some type of showcase..."
"... wow, you're right, Sephiroth."
"Hey, you guys! Stop watching! Yeah, you! This is not a comedy or anything, it's not for your entertainment! Go away!"
"Very professional, Zack."
"As always, sir!"
"Hmph. Where is that backup unit..."
"Hey, I see blue uniforms."
"That would be them."
"Finally, we can get rid of this stupid grapefruit and go on with our mission in Nibelheim..."
"Sir! We're here to relieve you! ... what is that?"
"The focus of your mission. Don't touch it directly. Leave it in the pie."
"O... kay..."
"Sir, I've been ordered to accompany you to Nibelheim!"
"Hey, that's cool. Now we've got more people."
"Let's get out of here then. Everything here is starting to bug me."
"Yeah sure... chocobo head."
"What? You're more of a chocobo head than me! My hair's black!"
"I didn't actually become a chocobo."
"Would you two quit it? We're leaving now."
"Yes. Thank you."
The three men walked away, leaving a group of soldiers surrounding the pie containing one grapefruit. Curious, even though the great Sephiroth had told him not to touch it, one soldier knelt down.
POOF.
"ARF! ARF!"
The three men turned momentarily.
"... I told him not to touch it."
"Let's go before they ask us what's going on."
"Agreed."
The three men bolted.