Warnings: crackfic, unsubtle plot machinations, Cain is Ivan the terribly immature knight, Bering is a unicorn.

This ridiculous story is based on HamletMachine's image "AS YOU COMMAND," which may be found in her DeviantArt gallery: hamletmachine deviantart com/gallery/5836913?offset=144#/d1q8viy

And They Lived Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess named Ethan. He lived with his father and mother in a stylish castle, and he spent his time wearing pretty gowns, studying engineering, and riding his new-fangled motorized bicycle at high speeds around the countryside where peasants labored. (It should be noted that Ethan was a princess through complicated legal technicalities related to the kingdom's history of matrilineal succession or something.)

He also enjoyed fantasizing about handsome men, but due to society's disapproving opinion of such proclivities, he was obliged to keep his preferences quiet.

That went well, until the groundskeeper found Ethan and the attractive stable boy in flagrante, and he told the head of housekeeping, who told Ethan's mother's ladies in waiting, who told Ethan's mother, who told Ethan's father, who promptly had Ethan removed to an isolated tower without any stable boys. There Ethan was to stay until his father found a nice lady for Ethan to marry.

Locked in his room in the tower's attic, Ethan immediately began to devise a means of escape. He had a window, after all. Unfortunately, he found the tower was very tall; moreover, it was close to a noticeably active volcano. So even if Ethan could get out, he would no doubt wish to be back inside, with the air conditioning and his iguana Lucy.

Ethan reformulated his plans: He would send a plea for help to some brave knight who was, he hoped, not aligned with his parents.

He sat at his writing-desk and penned an eloquent missive on perfumed paper. This he rolled daintily and tied with a bit of velvet ribbon. "Now," Ethan resolved, "to find a messenger."

He went to the one window in the tower and sang a song to attract a bird or a butterfly. He was not very good at singing, and was also (as mentioned) near a volcano, so no delicate wingéd friend flew to his aid.

"Oh, Lucy," Ethan sighed. "Whatever shall I do?"

Lucy the iguana ignored him.

Deciding to change tactics, Ethan went to his trunk and sifted through his satin and silk dresses until he found his computer, which he had had to smuggle into the tower. He located a nearby wireless network (apparently someone else lived by the volcano?), hacked into it, and posted his request and coordinates in a forum where knights tended to convene.

PrincessAbel: I am an attractive princess in distress. Need a brave knight, preferably mounted on a noble steed, to rescue me at the coordinates posted below.

Soon he received a reply.

SexyKnightCain: asl? nm, got the location

PrincessAbel: 24, male.

SexyKnightCain: r u hot?

PrincessAbel: Smoking hot.

SexyKnightCain: even w/o the volcano?

PrincessAbel: ...of course.

SexyKnightCain: ok. see u, baby

Ethan was not certain this distractible knight was an ideal rescuer, but with any luck he would at least live up to the "sexy" part of his username.

He grew tired of waiting after a few hours, so he knotted his blankets, the curtains, and even his other dresses together to make a rope. He let it down the side of the tower, only to discover it was too short. He tore strips from the dress he was wearing to lengthen the rope, but still it was not long enough to reach the ground. Ethan dejectedly turned from the makeshift rope, rather pissed that he had ruined his favorite dress. Tatters were so plebian.

Resigned again to waiting, Ethan occupied his time with brushing his golden hair, working on motor schematics, and the many other things princesses do.

The next day, he awoke to a terrible sound, like a shriek and a roar, outside the tower. He rushed to the window, and was pleased (also a little dismayed) to see a doughty knight in black, spiked armor astride a mighty charger, a dark, fire-breathing unicorn of the apocalypse that stood perhaps twenty-two or twenty-three hands high.

"Pray tell, sir knight," Ethan called, "have you come to rescue me?"

"Got it in one, princess. Hurry the fuck up!" the knight shouted back.

Ethan did not like the look of the knight's steed, but he secured Lucy in a silk knapsack on his back and began to descend.

"I don't have all day, sweetheart," the knight snapped. The dread unicorn brayed again—horrific to hear—and tossed its head.

"You try climbing down a satin rope in a dress and see how fast you go!" Ethan snarled.

At last he was close enough to drop into the arms of the knight. Ethan cleared his throat. "Sir knight," he began stiffly, "I thank you for your gallantry. Are you perchance SexyKnightCain?"

"That's my username, don't wear it out. You can call me Ivan," the knight told him, checking out Ethan's derrière, groping it, and making an approving sound. "Nice rags—I mean, dress," he then commented with a snort. "Hey, your legs are really smooth. Where else do you shave?"

"Hands off, shithead!" Ethan admonished him, smacking away the knight's wandering hands. He placed Lucy on his lap to thwart further investigation in that area.

"Whatever," said Ivan, and he brandished his sword. "Let us ride to victory!" His restive mount bellowed and blackened the base of the tower with a fiery sneeze.

Ethan suggested that victory lay in the direction away from the volcano.

"As you command! Onward, Bering!" Ivan cried to his unicorn, and off they went at a gallop across the volcanic wasteland.

During their journey, Ivan regaled Ethan with his attractive qualities (such as his devil-may-care attitude and his stamina) and convinced him that they really ought to enjoy themselves—as it is said, do not postpone joy.

It happened that, in addition to having a baleful unicorn, Ivan also had a modest space vessel in need of repairs. Ethan took a look at the engine and got it running again, and then they eloped to the stars to have adventures too numerous to describe here. They lived happily, aside from Ivan's asinine behavior and Ethan's affinity for dresses that were not especially suitable for engineering. Lucy, also, left droppings in surprising places on the vessel. But eventually Ethan persuaded Ivan to be a little more mature, and Ivan bought Ethan miniskirts—of silk and satin and latex—that did not get tangled in machinery, and Lucy was somewhat housebroken.

The end.