Title: Beginnings
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Olivia's baby arrives - but not without complications. Elliot's there to help her through, though. This story is set after Changes and is a prequel to A Complicated State of Happiness and Undeserved.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague.
Elliot paced a little bit, keeping his hands drawn across his chest.
Something was wrong, he'd decided nearly an hour ago now.
Olivia had been particularly quiet at work that day. She'd been saddled on desk duty for months at that point with her pregnancy – but she still usually made sure to get her two-cents in on about any case that was up for discussion in the squad room. Not that day, though. She hadn't even been participating in the general chatter.
He'd asked her a couple times if she was OK – but she'd just brushed it off saying she was tried; that it was hard to find any comfortable position to sleep it at the moment. His partner's small frame – she looked about as big as a house at that point, even though he knew she still had just over a month left until her due date. And, besides, he'd heard it all and seen it all before from Kathy – and he didn't want to push it with his partner.
Still, watching how she got in and out of her chair to pick up files or documents from the printer – or more frequently to shuffle to the restroom – he could tell she was uncomfortable. He thought she was a little crazy to still be at work. But she just brushed that off too, saying she was just pushing paper. Lots of women stayed in their office jobs until just days before the birth of their baby, she'd argued. It had taken her doctor convincing her with gestational diabetes and being an older first-time mother, she should take some bed rest at the end of her pregnancy. So she'd reluctantly agreed to hand in the paperwork for a few weeks leave before starting her maternity leave with the arrival of her baby. But she wasn't even leaving for that for another about week and a half.
Throughout the pregnancy he'd done his best to keep his nose out of her business and not interject his opinion – or bits of wisdom. She'd made clear from the get-go that she didn't much appreciate it and didn't want to hear it. He worried about her, though.
He knew being a single mother would be a struggle for her – and that it hadn't been an easy pregnancy for her. Beyond having to deal with the health complications that had cropped up – she was having to do it all alone. The asshole who'd knocked her up had disappeared from the scene. She'd been left with the difficult choice of wanting to be a mother but knowing she'd be raising the child on her own. It was a rough choice for anyone and a harder reality still when it was your first child and you also had your job security and career to think about – having that income to care for your child.
He'd known, though, it wasn't much of a choice for her. They hadn't had a discussion about it. But he didn't think she'd had to give it much thought. She wanted to be a mother. At her age and stage in life, he didn't think she had to maul over it very long to know it might be one of her last opportunities to get to do it that way. It wasn't an ideal situation – it was far from conventional – but it was her chance. He'd never known his partner to ever have the most conventional life or end up in the most ideal situations anyways. He knew she could handle it – even if he wished for her sake that it had been in better circumstances; that she'd been married or at least had a boyfriend – or that the father had made some sort of commitment to helping with the child. But that was her business and he knew she'd work it out. He knew she'd be a good mother. It wasn't his place to badger her – no matter how much he wanted to. He knew if he did, though, it would create a friction between them that might be difficult to repair. She'd be needing him – and everyone else around her – more than ever before. It wasn't the time to create strain in the relationship.
Still his concern during the day had only increased when he saw her placing her hand on her baby bump more than usual. He was finding it difficult to not hen-pick her about what was wrong and if she was OK – to tell her what she should be doing.
Olivia had definitely tried to hide the pregnancy for quite a while. Elliot had figured it out pretty quickly. He spent enough time with her that he saw the telltale signs of an early pregnancy. Even though she'd reluctantly confirmed his suspicions, he'd kept it to himself. It wasn't his place to be telling others. But her steady weight gain had made it obvious to even those who weren't in the know that something was likely up. The changing in wardrobe from her usual well-fitting tees and blouses to near constant baggy sweaters and giantly-puffy winter jacket had only raised more suspicions. She did work surrounded by detectives, after all. It had only been a matter of time before she was really showing and it had to be public knowledge. The whole don't-ask-don't-tell aspect kind of fell to the wind. You didn't need to ask. It was clear she was pregnant.
Still, she tried to be casual about it. She hardly talked about it. He'd even noticed that when she initially did start to feel the baby moving, she'd try to be conscious about not leaving her hand there feeling it. The initial reaction to move her hand to her growing abdomen would be tempered by her telling herself to move it away so as to not attract attention. He'd seen it in her face more than once. That day, though, he'd seen her resting her hand on the bump more than not.
"The baby moving around a lot today?" He'd asked.
She'd only nodded. But as the day progressed, in addition to her hand keeping the baby company, he'd also seen her squirming in her chair – sometimes almost cringing.
It was nearing the end of the day when he finally decided to push it a little harder. He'd stood and put his jacket on, looking at her. She was trying to look like she was still working. He really didn't think she'd accomplished much of anything that day. She'd seemed too distracted and in too much discomfort.
"I'm taking off," he told her. "Do you want a lift home?"
She looked up from whatever she was typing away at on the computer.
"Thanks, but I'm OK," she'd just said. "I want to get this wrapped up before I head out."
"You look like you could use a ride home today, Liv," he'd pushed.
She looked at him and sighed. "I'm fine, El. I'll get a cab." But even as she said it, she shifted in her chair again and her hand went back to the baby.
"Liv, you sure you're OK over there?"
She shifted some more. "Yeah. I just keep having some Braxton Hicks today," she said in a hushed voice.
He looked at her. She was only in what he guessed was her 35th week, based on the due date she'd eventually told the squad. But he knew enough about pregnancy and watching his wife go through it – that he didn't think that Braxton Hicks contractions were supposed to go on consistently all day. He didn't want to say it out loud and get her riled up and pissed off at him – but he wondered if it was a bit more than false labour.
"Com'on," he's said. "I'll give you a lift to the hospital then. Get it checked out."
"Elliot," she snapped at him and glared. It was the mind-your-own-business tone that she'd really perfected over the course of her pregnancy.
He glanced around the squad room. Munch and Fin were still out in the field. At that point in the day, he wasn't even sure if they'd come back or just head their respective ways when they were done. Cragen was still around but buried in his office and not exactly babysitting Olivia. The rest of the area around them was going through shift change. Beyond them being distracted with starting up their work days, he doubted that Olivia was close enough – or rather she was too proud – to say anything to any of them if something really was wrong or she started feeling worse.
He sat back down. "I'll wait until you're ready," he shrugged.
She glared at him again. "Elliot, I'm fine," she hissed at him. "Go home – to Kathy and the kids – to your own baby."
He just shrugged at her again. "They're used to me being late."
She shook her head and looked back to what she was working on. "That got your marriage in trouble before. Don't go back down that road on my account."
He crossed his arms and glared back at her. He wanted to tell her off for that jab. She knew he'd been really trying to patch things up with Kathy – especially since Eli, now a toddler, had been born – for his whole family. He didn't want or need her critique of his marriage and family life – especially right now. But instead, he just said, "Humour me. Let me take you over to get it checked out. You've looked like you've been in pain all day."
"Elliot, this is the last time I'm saying it – I'm fine. Go home," she said.
"Humour me," he said again.
She slammed down her pen harder than was really necessary – a vain attempt to make a point. "El, I've had Braxton Hicks almost my entire pregnancy. I know what they feel like."
He shrugged. "Then you shouldn't be in the hospital long. Get checked out and I'll give you a lift home."
"You're pissing me off," she warned.
"That's not new."
She sighed. "Fine. Whatever. This chair is as uncomfortable as fuck anyways. I'm sure the ones that I'll get to sit on for hours in the ER waiting to be told it's just some false contractions will be much more comfortable."
He gave her a smile for her efforts at sarcasm. "Good. I'm glad. Way to see the positives."
He'd gone in with her – making sure she did actually stay and get checked and also following up on the promise to give her a lift home after she was done. But she hadn't had to wait for hours. She'd been taken back within about 10 minutes of checking in with the triage nurse.
But that had been more than 90 minutes ago now – if not pushing two hours. He didn't think they'd have her back there that long if it was just Braxton Hicks but no one was telling him anything. They weren't there on police business. It was private – personal – and he had no official connection to her. He was just some guy who'd come in with her. The attendant had reception had been stern with him and told him to go back and sit down and wait when he'd near angrily asked what the hell was going on with his partner. He hated being stuck in the waiting room – not knowing what the was happening. So he paced.
A nurse finally came out the sliding doors and called out. "Is the man who came in with Olivia Benson still here? Elliot?"
He brought his hand down from where he had been rubbing at his eyes in his rising stress. "Yeah," he said and made a beeline to her, nearly tripping over the other people and crying children lounged out on chairs in their long wait to be seen by a doctor.
She waved for him to follow her into the exam area of the ER but then quickly diverted down another hallway and away from emergency. He did a look back over his shoulder as they left the area – his worry rising.
"You're the father?" The nurse said.
"Ah, no," Elliot said, questioningly.
"She said her partner was in the waiting room."
"Work partners," he said. "We're cops."
The nurse stopped and looked at him. She raised her eyebrows – and sighed and mumbled something under her breath. "OK, just … oh, whatever. She's asking for you."
Elliot nodded. "She's OK?"
The nurse raised her eyebrows again and then started walking more hastily down the hall. "No one came out to talk to you?"
He moved to catch up with her. "The front-desk wouldn't tell me anything."
She glanced at him – as they came to a stop in a change area. "You can put your jacket and whatever in one of the lockers back there. Roll up your sleeves. Scrub down," she nodded toward the sink. "I'll get you some scrubs and smock and the rest of it."
He looked at her. "What the hell is going on? Is Olivia OK?"
The nurse sighed. "She's had a placental abruption. The baby's in distress. She's being prepped for an emergency cesarean right now. At first she said there wasn't anyone we could call for her but then she started asking for you. Maybe you can calm her down – or the doc might need to put her out for it. She's in a bit of shock – more mental and emotional at this point than physical."
Elliot gaped at her for a split second but then pushed it out of his head and turned to the sink and scrubbing up to his elbows. He changed so quickly he barely remembered doing it and then scrubbed again. The nurse handed him a smock, mask, gloves, booties and hair net and lead him down the hall again after he'd pulled them on.
She lead him down the hall again. Through the window of the door to the operating room, he could see lots of activity – and so many people milling around a body on the table. He couldn't recognize it as his partner at that point. There was just too much going on – and it was such a foreign environment to see her in. It was just medical equipment and doctors and sheets and curtains and IVs – that's all he could register in his mind. Kathy had had to have a c-section with the twins – but he didn't remember it looking like this. But he supposed it would've been seeing it through different eyes and a different perspective. Hers also wasn't done as an emergency situation.
The nurse pushed the door open with her shoulder and lead him in, taking him the long way around – so he still couldn't see much of anything and he was doing his best not to look. He didn't think Olivia would want him looking too closely. Though with all the sheets around her – from the glimpse he got, it looked like about the only thing to see was her swollen abdomen.
The nurse gently touched Olivia's forehead as they reached her. She looked like she was still coming down from a tizzy – though she was quiet. She was much calmer than he expected from what the nurse had said. But she seemed a little detached in the moment. He suspected they'd given her something to calm her down a bit. She looked like there had been tears though.
"I found him for you," the nurse told her – and tapped the back of a chair that had been pulled up to near her head. Elliot nodded and sat down and the nurse disappeared.
"Hey," he gave Olivia a small smile. He wasn't sure if it was completely clicking in her head that he was there yet. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "How you doing?"
"They said the baby isn't doing well," she said quietly. "They're doing a c-section."
He nodded. "Yeah, the nurse told me."
"I didn't want to have him this way," she almost whispered.
He gave her hand another squeeze. "It will be OK," he assured her.
"You're late for dinner," she said, glancing at something else on the other side of them – or maybe just looking away from his steady gaze now.
He gave her a smile. "That's OK too. I called Kathy already."
"Did Kathy ever have to have one of these?"
He nodded. "Yeah, with the twins."
"I'm sorry, El," she said. She shook her head and stared at the ceiling.
"You're OK," he told her.
"Fuck," she said. "I didn't want to have him like this." A couple tears came out.
"He's just got some other plans, Liv. Wants to meet you sooner. He'll be here soon."
The surgeon came up to the front of the bed. "We're going to start now," he told her. She nodded and then brought her eyes back to Elliot and he gave her another smile.
"I'm sorry," she said again.
He shook his head. "I owed you one anyways – or you owed me one – getting to be there for Eli while I missed it."
"What's that sound?" She asked as there was a whirling noise.
"You want me to see if one of the nurses can get a mirror for you to watch?"
She shook her head. "No, I don't think I can."
He nodded. "They're just getting you opened up, Liv. That's all the sound is."
"I'm not ready," she said. "I don't even have the bassinette together yet at the apartment. I don't have a car seat here. I don't have anything."
"Don't worry about that right now. It will get sorted out."
"What are they doing now?"
"Do you want me to look?"
She nodded and he looked around the curtain. But he couldn't see much beyond her belly, hands of the three or four doctors working on her - and some blood.
"They're still working on you," he just told her.
She looked up to the ceiling again, tears filling her eyes. "I can't believe this is happening right now. He's early."
"He's going to be OK, Liv," he told her again. "Lots of babies arrive a little early."
She nodded – just as there was a suctioning sound.
"You're going to feel some pressure, Olivia," one of the doctors said.
Elliot gave her another smile and squeezed her hand a bit tighter. "He's almost here. You're doing good, Liv."
"Urgh," she almost grunted. She thought she might vomit. She hated that her partner was seeing her like this – half naked, afraid, vulnerable, bloody. But she didn't want to be alone. She was scared.
"We've got his head, Olivia," the doctor said again.
She looked at Elliot. "Oh God. Can you see him?"
He looked around the curtain again and could see the doctors working around the top of the baby's birth-covered head.
He gave her a smile. "I see him."
"He's OK?" She asked – her voice expectant but filled with a touch of doubt.
He nodded. "He looks good, Liv." He squeezed her hand again.
"Can I see him?"
"They haven't got him all the way out yet."
Her tears started coming harder and she tried to blink them away. One of the nurses stepped forward and dabbed at them for her with a tissue as Elliot was watching back on the other side of the curtain again. He looked back at her.
"They're just cleaning out his airways right now."
There was a cry.
"That's him?" She gasped, her eyes getting bigger.
Elliot nodded.
"He sounds good," she said, a touch of happiness creeping into her voice now.
"Good, strong, loud lungs," Elliot said.
"We're going to press down on the upper part of your abdomen now, Olivia," the surgeon said. "You're likely going to feel it – like a strong contraction – but then your baby is going to be here."
She shook her head. "Oh my God," she said, like she couldn't believe it was happening. The pressure was intense and it felt like it took forever – even though she knew it must've only been maybe 30 seconds at most.
"We've got him," the doctor said. "It's a boy."
Hands came above the curtain and held up the screaming baby for her to see.
"Oh my God," she said again – her face lighting up and smile spreading and more tears coming. But the baby disappeared back behind the curtain. "When can I hold him? I want to hold him," she said quickly, almost with an edge of panic.
"We're just getting him cleaned up," one of the medical people on the other side of the curtain said. "You'll see him over on your left in just a second."
Elliot squeezed her hand. "He's here. He looks good, Liv. Head of hair on him already." He gave her a big smile.
He didn't think she heard him. She was straining her neck to see as the nurses brought the baby to the table to clean off the amniotic fluid, suction at his nose and mouth and take his measurements.
"Oh my God," she just kept saying. "He's so small. How much? How much does he weigh?"
"Five pounds, six ounces," the one nurse said, "and 17 inches long. Ten fingers and ten toes. You going to cut the umbilical cord?"
Liv nodded at Elliot. "Go see him, please. Talk to him, please. Talk to him."
He stood and walked over and touched the screaming baby's tiny red fist. "Hey, there, big man," he turned back and give his partner a smile. "Had to see the world a little early, eh? Giving mom a rough time already?"
The nurse handed him the eyes of the surgical scissors, already gripped in place. "You're just going to cut between here." He did as he was told – and then the nurses started strapping a diaper onto him and swaddling him – pulling the cap further over his head.
The nurse picked up the baby and put him into Elliot's arms. He wasn't expecting that. He was holding his partner's baby even before her. The feeling washed over him – the joy of holding a new little person who'd just arrived in the world, not yet knowing the pain or terror or horror that lurked in it. A new beginning – for him and all he had to look forward to and for Olivia. He felt so happy for her – also in a way he hadn't expected.
He'd watched his partner interact with young victims for years. He'd watched her ache about how her mother had treated her – about not knowing her father. He'd watched her struggle with being a child of rape. He'd seen her bounce between failed relationships and watched her grow and get older – and still not have found someone to settle down with. Then for the last several years he'd seen her growing desire to have a baby – to not be alone, to be part of a family. He'd known she'd looked at other options – adoption, in-vitro – but that hadn't worked out for her either. Then she'd ended up pregnant. Clearly unplanned but clearly something she'd been wanting and had probably nearly given up believing would happen for her. But now he was holding this tiny little infant, already with wisps of his partner's brown hair. He was pretty sure he could see her stubborn pout in the baby's little puckered up lips too.
"You can take him over to mom now," the nurse told him. "You can visit for a bit before we have to take him down to neo-natal to get checked out and under the warmer."
He bounced the baby close to his chest and took him the few metres back to Olivia.
"Here he is," he told her and gently placed the baby on her chest and helped her bring her one arm up while keeping a hand on the infant to keep him in place. "Here's mommy big man."
"Hey, Noah," she whispered. "Oh my God, look at you. Hey, Noah. Hi, sweetheart."
The baby squirmed a bit but had quieted in the swaddling. His eyes already shut and his mouth starting to make suckling motions. He'd want his mom's breast soon – if she'd be able to feed.
Elliot smiled at her. "Hey Noah," he said too, quietly, testing out the name she'd picked for her baby. She hadn't told him what she was thinking ahead of time. He had avoided asking – despite his curiosity. He liked it. He thought it worked: Noah Benson.
"It means comfort," she said, almost like she knew he was weighing the name in his own mind. That just made it fit even more, though. He truly hoped that this baby could be the comfort he thought his partner had been looking for for most of her life.
"Did you pick a middle name?"
"Evan," she said quietly, gazing at the child so intently. He didn't think she was going to like it when the nurses scooped him away so the doctors could finish sewing her up and get her into recovery while they examined her pre-term baby in NICU.
"Noah Evan Benson," Elliot said and gave her a smile. "Sounds like trouble already."
She smiled. "Nah, he'll be a heartbreaker, not a troublemaker."
He shifted from watching the baby to looking at her. Her eyes were still glassy but she was glowing. Happiness he'd never seen in his partner before had settled over her. He stroked his thumb across her forehead before moving his hand doing the same down the infant's tiny cheek.
"He's beautiful, Liv," he told her. "Looks about perfect."
She nodded and gave him a smile.
"El, can you help me bring him closer to my face?" She didn't take her eyes off the baby as she said it.
Elliot shifted the baby on her a bit, moving him forward and she gave her newborn son a kiss, and then settled him against her, cheek-to-cheek.
"I'm so happy you're here, Noah," she whispered. "I've been waiting for you a long time."
Vaguely considering doing another couple scenes for this one - showing the early days or weeks of Noah's life. If you might be interested, let me know. Otherwise, you can pick up on Olivia's adventures in motherhood in A Complicated State of Happiness and Undeserved