Just thought of the idea today while Spike TV ran all three prequels. Just a small one shot for the inevitable talk all parents, and Jedi Masters, must face. THE SEX TALK. I originally wanted to do it with Obi and Anakin, but i thought it would be funnier if it was Anakin and Ashoka.
Lucas owns everything.
Walking through the halls of the Jedi Temple was a welcome relief to the still fairly young Jedi Knight. Having been at war for most of the year, a small time period of rest and relaxation had come, after he and his Padawan had destroyed a particularly large droid factory. Walking through the halls, he began to take in all the changes the council had made while he was away. The main entrance hall had been redecorated with the Republic's new Emblem, a large bird with a sun behind it. A large moral booster to the Jedi and prospective students to wander the halls. Much of the carpet that lined the floors was replaced with a much more glossy linoleum floor. As Anakin walked the halls he also noted a few new additions to the temple. While most of the training and class rooms were still available, many more were added along the walls as well as some new flight simulators and "Galaxy Rooms".
Even though the war was costly, the council still put the teaching and training of the padawans first. It seemed to quell some fears in Anakin's mind, thinking the council was only focused on the war, and not on the next generation of Jedi. While thinking of this, his thoughts drifted to his own padawan. How much had she grown in the recent year, how much had she accomplished of her training and lessons. Even though he and her had a fairly regular plan for teaching and training, he couldn't help but feel like she should be out and enjoying her childhood. Jedi or not, all children should be allowed to be kids, not commanders in war. Even though she had never voiced her concern for her want to be around other children, he felt that she needed more time to be around other padawans. During her short time she spent around young Barris Orfe, her mood had been considerably better. She was a much happier person during those two weeks on Geonosis, even if they were fighting a war.
Eventually, he had ended up back his new room assigned to him shortly before the War started, which had been redesigned to accommodate two occupants. Walking inside, he immediately felt his padawans presence in the small apartment. walking to the new room, he knocked on the door to see if she was there.
"Ashoka, you in there?"
"Yes Master, just putting away my things. You can come in if you want." came the response.
As he walked into the room, he found it particularly sparse of many personal effects. Only a small pile of datapads lined the desk in a neat fashion, the contents no doubt being about the Jedi Civil War nearly forty-five hundred years ago. Ashoka had shown an early fascination with history and while any other master would discourage her from other, more "sensitive" reading selections, Anakin felt that as long as she did not exhibit any signs of the dark side, he had no reason to not allow her to read into the history of the dark side. The only other item in the room was a picture of herself, Anakin, Rex, and Torrent company. Taken shortly after the battle of Christophas, this was the one picture Ashoka had kept due to her first successful mission.
"Master, need something?"
"No Snips, just wanted to see if you were settling in to temple life alright?"
"Everything's fine Master."
For some reason, Anakin couldn't shake the feeling that she wanted to ask him something. However, he didn't feel the need to ask, since she would no dought bring it up eventualy.
For the rest of the day, they spent most of their time in the training room practicing the lightsaber combat. Having tried and failed to get Ashoka to use a regular Shi-Cho grip, Anakin decided to try her Reverse Shien grip, just to see how effective it was. He found that it was not for him. When normally he and Ashoka would end in a draw, he lost to her. Four Times.
Afterward, they mingled with some of their friends. Ashoka went off with Barris, while Anakin went to see a certain Naboo Senator. Once he had returned to the Temple, it was diner time. Returning to his apartment, he saw Ashoka just sitting on the sofa, almost like she was waiting for him to come home.
"Hey Snips, you hungry?"
"Not really Master."
"Are you sure? I got Dex's. I know you love his food."
"No thanks."
Something was wrong. Ashoka had turned down food in battle, or on the ship, but never had she turned down Dex's food. It was the only place she would eat from when on Courascant. Strangely enough, Dex always seemed to draw Jedi to his diner. Anakin couldn't tell what it was, but every Jedi he knew has gone to Dex's at one time or another. But he was getting side tracked.
"Ashoka, is something wrong? You've been acting awkward all day now."
With a deep sign, she turned her head up and asked the one question that all parents and Masters dread.
"What is Sex?"
The question hit him like a bomb shell. He had never expected this, not because he thought he was above it, but because he thought she would have known by now. She was after all fifteen, he had expected someone to have gone over it with her. For force sake, there were even Jedi who would volunteer to teach the young-lings this sort of thing.
"Well umm, it's kinda like ahh..."
What was he supposed to say, well you stick you winky into her coochie?!?! He had no preparation, no witty lines, no idea how to explain this delicate topic. Then he spotted the banana.
"This banana, lets say this is the boys uhh, you know?"
"No Master, i don't."
"Didn't they teach you biology before you were assigned to me?"
"No, they don't start teaching that until sixteen at the temple, and i am just now turning sixteen."
"Well, the banana is a prop for the mans... uhh... penis."
"Is that what it's called?"
"Uhh, yes."
Then suddenly, an idea flashed into his head. He had discovered a way to teach her about Sex without himself saying a word. He just needed to see Obi Wan.
"Wait here, and I'll be back with something to help you understand."
After seeing her nod, he raced down the hall to Obi's room. Knocking before entering, he came up and asked an equally astonishing question to his former master.
"Master, i need a porn vid."
Seeing the shocked look on his face would have been hysterical, had the situation not been so dire.
"Anakin, if this is one of your jokes, it is not funny."
"Master, Ashoka asked about Sex. I cannot properly explain so unless you want to, give me a porn vid."
"Anakin, 'The Talk' might be embarrassing, but it is your duty as a teacher to give her the answer your self. And besides, I don't even have any porn vids."
"Well i certainly remember during my padawan ship when i woke up at night hearing sounds like moaning coming from your room."
While Obi Wan was distracted, Anakin was using the force to lift a holo vid from the secret hiding place in his masters quarters, and bring to rest under his feet. Thankfully, Obi didn't realize it.
"Anakin, go back to your padawan and give her the talk. That's Final."
After closing the door, Anakin reached down and picked up the small disk and returned to his padawan.
"Snips, just watch this and every thing will be answered."
"OK master, what ever you say."
As Anakin drifter of to the "Sweet" sound of light porno music, he had a slight pang of conscience. Was it right for him to skip his duties as a teacher by letting his padawan watch "Night at the Brothel" but then thought, at least she won't ask any more sex he was waking up, he felt much better than he had last night. He went to the kitchen to see Ashoka, sleeping on the couch. She woke up to the smell of sizzling bacon.
"Morning Snips, i hope the movie answered all questions."
"Well master, it was a little awkward at first, but than i understood. I just have one more question."
Putting on a facade of forced happiness, he replied with a calm, "Of course."
"What is Love?"
A/N: Well that's it. Hope you enjoyed it as much as i loved writing this humorous story regarding the dreaded "Talk" Reviews are appreciated.