ONE
(Scene: Willow and Buffy are in Xander's new apartment, watching television)
Buffy: That is so not true.
Willow: No, it is. (pointing to the television) You see, that fountain pen
*can* pierce a block of wood and still work.
Buffy: They're lying.
Willow: (indicating the saleswoman) Does that look like the face of a liar?
Buffy: (thinking) Well, not really. (pauses) Do you think that I could stake
vampires with that pen?
Willow: If it can pierce a block of wood…
Buffy: Imagine. If I wanted to do some post-midnight essay-writing after my
patrol, that pen would come in pretty useful. And I wouldn't have to carry
an extra stake.
Willow: Ooh. And it comes with a free bottle of black ink.
Buffy: Get out of here.
Willow: I'm not lying! Look! (pointing excitedly) And…and…. And if you order
now, you get another pen free! You can keep it as a spare.
Buffy: Why would I want another one? If it can't get broken like they say
so, why would I need a spare?
Willow: Just in case you lose your first one.
Buffy: (nodding) That makes sense. (pauses) You know, we cut a pretty
pitiful picture here.
Willow: I know.
Buffy: Where is Xander anyways? He was supposed to be back from work …
(looks at her watch) an hour ago.
Willow: Maybe he's having trouble finding the video. I hear 'Masters of the
Universe' is pretty out of stock nowadays.
Buffy: Hmmm. Should we look for him?
Willow: Give him another ten minutes. (turns back to the TV) Oh! Look! An
embroidery kit!
(The door swings open and Xander comes in)
Willow: Xander! Where have you been?
Xander: I quit my job.
(The girls gasp)
Buffy: Why?
Xander: Well, the head honchos on top made it perfectly clear that I wasn't
going to get anywhere unless I… (long pause)
Buffy: Unless you what?
Xander: … unless I sleep with my boss.
Willow: Oh God.
Xander: So I told them, NO! No, no , no , no, no… because I'm man of
principle. And then , whoosh, I quit.
Willow: Xander…
Buffy: Did you really think that was a good thing to do?
Xander: Eh?
Buffy: I mean… not that I'm asking you to compromise your values or
anything… but it's… it's… not like you can afford to just simply chuck away
your job like that. And I've never known you to be opposed to sex.
Xander: My boss is a man.
Buffy: Oh. (pause) Is he a good looking man?
Willow: BUFFY!
Buffy: Sorry… (looks at Xander) You poor boy. What happened to you after
that?
Xander: I don't know… I remember walking the streets for god knows how long…
and then I went and rented "Masters of the Universe". (takes out the tape)
Buffy: You remembered! (gets a look from Willow) Not that that is important.
Willow: Actually, Xander, Buffy did make a good point.
Buffy: I did?
Willow: Yes. Did you think about the repercussions of your actions?
Xander: Eh?
Willow: The aftermath! Have you thought about your future? How are you going
to pay your bills? Your rent? How are you going to buy food?
Xander: Willow, it's not that big a tragedy. I'll find another job.
Willow: Oh, you will, will you? That's so like you. Bouncing from one crap
job to another.
Buffy: Actually, I thought the condom commercial was kind of funny. (Willow
and Xander glare at Buffy) What? It *was*.
Willow: (deciding to ignore Buffy) Xander, you can't just…
Xander: Do I really need a lecture now? (turns to Buffy) Tell her.
Buffy: Actually, she's right. You know, Xander, it's time you held a steady
job. One that can guarantee
you a secure and promising future. Hmm, if Giles were here he could phrase
it better.
Xander: What's wrong with the way I do things now?
Buffy: Nothing. It's just that you can't possibly think that you're going to
keep living like this?
Xander: (suddenly edgy) I see what this is about.
Willow: Uh-oh.
Xander: It's about me not being good enough for you guys, isn't it? It's
about the whole "Xander Was Too Dumb to Go To College" thing, isn't it?
Buffy: No, it's not…
Xander: Well, I'll show you, Buffy. I'll show you. (storms out)
Buffy: (yelling after him) Hey! I was the one who said your condom
commercial was COOL!
Willow: Well, that's one conversation the neighbors will spend hours
pondering.
Buffy: (turns to Willow) This is all your fault, you know.
Willow: What?
Buffy: You just had to mention that I made a very good point, didn't you.
(plops down on the couch) Now he's all angry and he's going to show me.
Willow: Don't worry about him.
Buffy: That's easy for you to say! You're not the one he's mad at! He's not
going to show you! And… and… and technically, *you* should be the one he's
showing everything to. You started it.
Willow: Right now we shouldn't be shifting blame.
Buffy: So said the Blameless Guilty One. You know, if he comes in with an
M16 and starts shooting, you're going down with me.
(Scene: Willow and Buffy are in Xander's new apartment, watching television)
Buffy: That is so not true.
Willow: No, it is. (pointing to the television) You see, that fountain pen
*can* pierce a block of wood and still work.
Buffy: They're lying.
Willow: (indicating the saleswoman) Does that look like the face of a liar?
Buffy: (thinking) Well, not really. (pauses) Do you think that I could stake
vampires with that pen?
Willow: If it can pierce a block of wood…
Buffy: Imagine. If I wanted to do some post-midnight essay-writing after my
patrol, that pen would come in pretty useful. And I wouldn't have to carry
an extra stake.
Willow: Ooh. And it comes with a free bottle of black ink.
Buffy: Get out of here.
Willow: I'm not lying! Look! (pointing excitedly) And…and…. And if you order
now, you get another pen free! You can keep it as a spare.
Buffy: Why would I want another one? If it can't get broken like they say
so, why would I need a spare?
Willow: Just in case you lose your first one.
Buffy: (nodding) That makes sense. (pauses) You know, we cut a pretty
pitiful picture here.
Willow: I know.
Buffy: Where is Xander anyways? He was supposed to be back from work …
(looks at her watch) an hour ago.
Willow: Maybe he's having trouble finding the video. I hear 'Masters of the
Universe' is pretty out of stock nowadays.
Buffy: Hmmm. Should we look for him?
Willow: Give him another ten minutes. (turns back to the TV) Oh! Look! An
embroidery kit!
(The door swings open and Xander comes in)
Willow: Xander! Where have you been?
Xander: I quit my job.
(The girls gasp)
Buffy: Why?
Xander: Well, the head honchos on top made it perfectly clear that I wasn't
going to get anywhere unless I… (long pause)
Buffy: Unless you what?
Xander: … unless I sleep with my boss.
Willow: Oh God.
Xander: So I told them, NO! No, no , no , no, no… because I'm man of
principle. And then , whoosh, I quit.
Willow: Xander…
Buffy: Did you really think that was a good thing to do?
Xander: Eh?
Buffy: I mean… not that I'm asking you to compromise your values or
anything… but it's… it's… not like you can afford to just simply chuck away
your job like that. And I've never known you to be opposed to sex.
Xander: My boss is a man.
Buffy: Oh. (pause) Is he a good looking man?
Willow: BUFFY!
Buffy: Sorry… (looks at Xander) You poor boy. What happened to you after
that?
Xander: I don't know… I remember walking the streets for god knows how long…
and then I went and rented "Masters of the Universe". (takes out the tape)
Buffy: You remembered! (gets a look from Willow) Not that that is important.
Willow: Actually, Xander, Buffy did make a good point.
Buffy: I did?
Willow: Yes. Did you think about the repercussions of your actions?
Xander: Eh?
Willow: The aftermath! Have you thought about your future? How are you going
to pay your bills? Your rent? How are you going to buy food?
Xander: Willow, it's not that big a tragedy. I'll find another job.
Willow: Oh, you will, will you? That's so like you. Bouncing from one crap
job to another.
Buffy: Actually, I thought the condom commercial was kind of funny. (Willow
and Xander glare at Buffy) What? It *was*.
Willow: (deciding to ignore Buffy) Xander, you can't just…
Xander: Do I really need a lecture now? (turns to Buffy) Tell her.
Buffy: Actually, she's right. You know, Xander, it's time you held a steady
job. One that can guarantee
you a secure and promising future. Hmm, if Giles were here he could phrase
it better.
Xander: What's wrong with the way I do things now?
Buffy: Nothing. It's just that you can't possibly think that you're going to
keep living like this?
Xander: (suddenly edgy) I see what this is about.
Willow: Uh-oh.
Xander: It's about me not being good enough for you guys, isn't it? It's
about the whole "Xander Was Too Dumb to Go To College" thing, isn't it?
Buffy: No, it's not…
Xander: Well, I'll show you, Buffy. I'll show you. (storms out)
Buffy: (yelling after him) Hey! I was the one who said your condom
commercial was COOL!
Willow: Well, that's one conversation the neighbors will spend hours
pondering.
Buffy: (turns to Willow) This is all your fault, you know.
Willow: What?
Buffy: You just had to mention that I made a very good point, didn't you.
(plops down on the couch) Now he's all angry and he's going to show me.
Willow: Don't worry about him.
Buffy: That's easy for you to say! You're not the one he's mad at! He's not
going to show you! And… and… and technically, *you* should be the one he's
showing everything to. You started it.
Willow: Right now we shouldn't be shifting blame.
Buffy: So said the Blameless Guilty One. You know, if he comes in with an
M16 and starts shooting, you're going down with me.