Sorte

~ Preface ~

Each moment in time, each reaction to circumstance, leads us to our present. Each choice, every decision, is so fragile, that if there were just one change, in a chain of events…the outcome might have been different.

When I woke on Jakes couch that evening after I'd almost drowned, I laid there thinking about what I'd just done. If Jakes timing would have been off and he'd not reached me when he did…I'd be dead, and for what? I was still here, the pain hadn't gone away, in fact this time instead of healing me in some small way, I actually felt worse. I had scared Jacob half to death, and as I lay there I imagined Sue Clearwater and Seth and Leah receiving the news that that Harry was gone. I cringed at the thought of Charlie getting that same news about me. I told myself this had to end.

I was quiet as Jake drove me home. I stared out of the passenger window, and for the first time since I had moved to Forks, I thought about leaving, going to Jacksonville to finish up my senior year. I thought about the warmth and how alien it would be to me now, about being with my mother again…she was enough to keep me preoccupied that maybe there wouldn't be time to miss all of the reasons I'd come to like living in Forks. I pictured myself boarding the plane and not looking back. I almost had myself convinced when Jake reached over and grabbed my hand. I looked over at him and instantly knew that I was fooling myself. I wouldn't be able to not miss him. His face, his laugh, and the way being around him brought a new part of me to life that acted as a bandage for the part of me that was broken. And Charlie, I'd worry about him non stop, now that I knew how bad his inability to cook for himself and keep order in a house was, especially since he'd grown used to me taking care of those things. No, it was a thought I'd gotten lost in but it would never be a reality I could walk in. Forks was my home now, I couldn't run away, and the truth was that there wasn't a place on earth that existed that could make me forget about Edward.

I would never be the same again, I knew it from the moment he was gone, I'd always be somewhat damaged and incomplete. However I realized that I needed to say goodbye to that part of my life, the loss and pain had been holding me prisoner, but I wasn't sure if I could. There was no way for things to ever go back to normal; all of the paths of my past lead me to Edward and those months where I had been so happy. It was also impossible to forget. This person had come into my life and left a mark on me so deep, each touch, every smile, and the moments in between would never be erased from my memory.

We were just a few feet from my house when a blur near the tree row across from my mailbox caught my eye. I tried to focus my eyes and look again but there was nothing. Chills ran down spine as I recalled the flash of red in the water after my jump. She was out there, waiting for the opportunity. Jake pulled my truck in front of my house.

"We won't be far, we'll have the house under close watch" Jake pulled me in and hugged me tight.

"Just be careful" I couldn't even think of something happening to any of them because of me.

"We know what we're doing, you worry way too much…give us a little bit of credit Bella. Get some rest, you took a pretty bad beating in that water today" he shook his head half amused half irritated " No more cliff diving"

"No more cliff diving" I repeated, now I was half amused, just hearing the words cliff diving…what was I thinking?

When I woke up the next morning it was a new kind of sadness that I felt, it was a feeling of something ending. It hit me; finally after all of these months it was clearer than it ever had been…I would never see him…see any of them ever again. I'd known it since the words left his mouth that he no longer wanted me, but today it was more… real. There was something that I'd been holding onto all of this time that had kept the full reality from setting in, and just like the pieces of my heart I'd never get back, it too was now gone…hope.

I had done everything to hold onto the parts of him that I could, including nearly killing myself, and nothing had changed. The hole in my chest, the pain, the emptiness, all still remained.

I got up and got dressed for Harry Clearwater's funeral. After the service I told Charlie I'd meet him at the Clearwater's where everyone was gathering, and then headed towards the beach. I once again climbed the trail to that cliff and I stared out into the beautiful water. The wind picked up as I began to sob. The words themselves didn't need to be spoken out loud; each tear that streamed down my face was a silent goodbye. It was done, over, it didn't matter that it was so different then what I had dreamt of months ago, this was my life now. Maybe the pain and wanting would never go away, but it wouldn't change anything, he still wouldn't want me, he'd still be gone. The Cullen's would only ever exist in my memories, not in my future.

My tears began to dry, my breathing calmed, and I had reached resolve. My heart and my head had been entangled in a battle for months. My heart wanting to hold on, my head knowing it was time to let go. It wasn't that my heart had lost the battle, it was merely conceding: to crippled to continue to fight, and allowing me to see things a bit more clearly.

I turned to walk back to my truck, but something made me turn and glance back at the crashing waves; "This will be the last time you'll ever see me" His words and his voice filled my head as if he were standing right in front of me. All I could do was whisper "I know"