Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or setting in this story. Even though I wish I did, they all belong to Queen Rowling.

This is supposed to be a one shot, but I might add more chapters later with stories from the other marauder's, Lily, Marlene, Alice and Mary depending on how much you guys like the story! Rated M for some suggestive themes and possible later content.

Sirius Problems

"Come around, children." Sirius announced loudly in the Gryffindor common room, leading the other marauders to invade the place Lily Evans and her friends were quietly talking to each other. "It's story time!"

"Don't call us children, Padfoot." Remus rolled his eyes. "Everyone here is more mature than you are...except maybe Peter."

"Hey!" Peter squeaked. "Well...I s'pose it's true..." He sighed and took his spot on the ground next to Remus.

James squeezed himself in between Lily and Marlene on the couch, stretching his arm across the back where Lily was sitting comfortably. "I'm sure this will be an excellent story! Everyone be quiet." He chuckled. "Hey Evans." He grinned, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Potter." Lily rolled her eyes, squirming closer to the end of the couch, only to be followed by James.

"Thanks, Evans." He winked, scooting even closer to her.

"Honestly," Marlene rolled her eyes dramatically. "Sirius Black you are the biggest goddam drama queen and attention seeker I've ever met!"

"You're one to talk, Mar." Lily laughed, causing James to beam at her beauty.

"Why is that supposed to mean?" Marlene asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"They belong together almost as much as we do." James whispered in Lily's ear.

Lily shivered slightly at his warm breath on her skin. "B-bugger off, Potter." She muttered, unconvincingly.

Marlene, Alice and Mary all giggled at Lily's attempt to act mad. They all knew that she was just as much in love with James as he was her, but she wouldn't admit it to anyone, not even herself.

"Everyone just shut up!" Sirius laughed. "I have a story to tell!"

"Well get on with it, Padfoot!" James chuckled. "You're the one dragging it out!"

"Oh shut up, Prongs. You're enjoying sitting there next to Evans, so you should be thanking me for dragging it out." Sirius said as he sat on the ground opposite of Marlene's spot on the couch, causing both Lily and James to turn slightly pink. "Anyways. Yesterday I went to buy a pack of condoms..."

"Oh this should be good..." Remus laughed and rolled his eyes, debating whether or not to open a book instead of listening to Sirius. He started to reach in his pocket for some chocolate, but quickly stopped himself remembering the last time he ate chocolate in front of the girls. It was his chocolate and he didn't want to share.

"Is that why you were gone so long when you went to get firewhiskey?" Peter squeaked, he was hoping Sirius would tell a porn story because he's a horny slut.

"Yes, Peter. But it's not what you think. And thank you, Moonpie, for believing that my story will be good. And it is. All of my stories are always good." Sirius grinned before continuing his story. "As I was saying, yesterday I went to get a pack of condoms and I as I went to checkout I noticed the checkout girl's jaw drop because I was buying the extra large..."

James, Remus and Peter all laughed at this. "Please, Padsy, there's no way you use extra large. We all know I'm the biggest in the group." James laughed, hoping to impress Lily.

Lily rolled her eyes and Alice and Mary's mouths hung wide open. Marlene just shrugged. "He really is that big." She told them. "Continue, Black, you're wasting my time."

"Jealous, McKinnon?" Sirius smirked at her. "If you want me, just say it. I'm all yours." He winked.

"Not one bit." Marlene snorted, rolling her eyes dramatically.

"So anyways, I asked her out for a butterbeer and she told me her shift was over in ten minutes." Sirius continued. "Let me just tell you, this girl had the most amazing tits I've ever seen. I was rather excited to fuck her." He said proudly, Marlene rolled her eyes again. "So we were in the three broomsticks and I asked her for her name. And she goes "it's Jen. Can I ask yours?" And I said "I'm Sirius Black." And I was about to ask her if she wanted to get a room upstairs and she glared at me and said "don't lie to me! You aren't black, so don't say you're serious! And I asked what your name is anyways!" And before I could say or do anything, she just stood up and stormed out of the pub!" Sirius concluded. "Did I mention she was a blonde?"

Everyone burst into laughter, besides Marlene. "Not all blondes are as stupid as the ones you pick up in Hogsmeade, Sirius Black." She glared at him in a rage of jealousy.

"Woah. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're jealous, Mar." Lily teased, still laughing.

Marlene stood up and glared at everyone. "I'm not jealous!" She said firmly.

"Where are you going then?" Sirius chuckled.

"We're going upstairs to get good use of those condoms." Marlene replied, grabbing Sirius by the arm and pulling him upstairs to the boys dormitories.

"I knew you wanted me." Sirius grinned, following her excitedly.

"Never said I didn't." Marlene muttered, earning cheers and whistles from the group they left behind.

Author's note: So tell me what you think! I hope you all like it! If I get enough good reviews, I'll add more stories from the others! And if you want more stories, let me know from who and what you think they should be talking about! Thanks for reading.