Sacrifice
"How's the baby?" I asked, as Elliot exited the room after visiting his son. He sighed, a joyous expression on his face.
"Great!" I nodded slowly. Taking in his wide smile, and loving eyes, I selfishly wished that it was me who had put that expression on his face, and the love in his eyes. But I knew, it would never be me.
He moved past me, walking down the corridor, seemingly ignoring the fact that I was in the accident too. My eyes dropped, and I turned to follow him down the same corridor. Before I'd even taken a step in that direction, Elliot caught me in a sudden tight embrace.
As his arms went around me, I breathed out a sigh of relief. He cared, he really did care about me. He really did see me as more than the woman who helped him on the job.
I held him tightly to me, savouring the feeling of his arms around me, of being encased by him. We'd been through so much, so many things trying to tear us apart, but we hadn't broken; we'd stayed strong. I closed my eyes, remembering what had happened to us.
"There have been cases where twins, brought up in different environments go on to commit the same crime. It's freaky."
"Look we're humans, not animals. If you instil morals and values, the kid will turn out alright, if not, then you got problems."
"I didn't tell you about the detail because I knew you'd refuse."
"If you can't trust your partner, it's time to get a new one."
"You stay away from me!"
"Hey. You know everybody in there is on your side. But we're not mind readers. And if you're not going to say what's going on with you, that's fine. But there's not a whole hell of a lot we can do."
"I know you're on my side."
"Elliot, what is going on? Would you talk to me. Is there someone else?"
"No, it's nothing like that. To be honest, it'd be easier if there was. I, um, I don't know what this is. Some...it just never goes away, you know. Every case just a little bit more horrific than the last. I go home, what am I supposed to do? Talk about my day at work? Honey, today a guy cut a baby out of his wife's stomach. Pass the gravy please?"
"So you just don't talk at all. That's no solution Elliot."
"Well, one of us has to be able to sleep at night. She thinks I'm shutting her out."
"You are. That's exactly what you do. You keep this up; you're going to lose the best thing you ever had."
"After all these years as your partner, I still don't know you're blood type."
"A positive."
"Well, how about that; me too."
"I' give you a kidney."
"Not if I gave you mine first."
"Especially not one with a failing marriage and a history of violence."
"I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man."
As I opened my eyes, still enveloped within his arms, my face against his neck, I remembered the beginning of the change. The transformation that changed us to what we are today. The case where I nearly died and so did he. The case where we decided we couldn't be partners, where we decided we were too close, and I asked for a new partner.
After that, we were never the same. First we were distant, unable to connect and work the way we had before, then when we finally reached that stage, everything was different, and we moved past it. Moved so far past that point that a psychiatric review was necessary. We'd become so close, so important and ingrained in each other's lives, that it worried everyone.
And then a year later, just one month ago, he'd gone blind. He hadn't been able to see, and he hadn't noticed my worry, my pain, my love for him. He'd stayed by his wife, by the one person who would always have his heart.
I swallowed down a sob, holding desperately to the one man I love, but would never have. Gently, I heard him whisper, "You're okay." He sounded so relieved that the selfish part of me hoped he might return the feelings, but then I remembered; his wife, his family, his son. They would forever have him, forever know that he loved them and never have to doubt that they are important to him.
Tears welled in my eyes, but I blinked them back. I could never show him what he meant to me. I could never tell him how much I loved him, wanted him, needed him. To keep this one man happy, I would sacrifice anything, and today I had done so.
I clung tightly to him, savouring this once in a lifetime opportunity. Savouring the feel of him in my arms, and me in his. Savouring the sensation of his breath on my neck, and my cheek against his. Savouring the smell that could only be described as his, and savouring the fact that for just a few seconds his attention was focused solely on me.
As we pulled apart, I breathed in deeply, trying to hide the affect he had on me. He look at me, looked me directly in the eyes and I knew he saw what I had been trying to hide. He didn't say anything, but he gently squeezed my hand before he let go.
"You pick a name?" I asked, as we began to walk down the corridor once more.
"Kathy wants to name him after me." He smiled, obviously remembering holding his son in his arms.
"Just what the world needs, another Elliot Stabler," I joked. Today would be forever ingrained in all of us, and today would forever hold a bond and understanding. It was today, that I knew for certain that it could never be, and it was today that I knew I could never tell him.
(Sorry if it's really bad. I saw the episode for the first time last night (at around 3am) and couldn't resist writing a fic about it. I hope that it's okay, as it was completed in a little under an hour. Once again, my apologies for a badly written fic.)