Disclaimer: I. OWN. NOTHING! Though I do wish I owned all the pretty boys that will be forced into this twisted plot line..;)
'Ello 'Ello lovely people. Erm...I'm a bad auther I know I know. I can assure all of you who have read 'Through Bars" and have been waiting for updates that I am a very guilty, shamefaced author. So here is a peace offering!
I bring to you compleatly random parody from the recesses of my mind.
Okie-dokie, I urge you not to even attempt to take this seriously, this is- basically my escape from any serious writing- and I'm hoping it'll let me get past my writers block so you may see a Chap 3 for "Through Bars" sometime soon. Along with that I have a story for Harry Potter in the works. Which is how this came about oddly... I have an idea of where its heading but I dunno where it'll end up. Its not Slash as of yet, and I dont really have any plans either way ( I have an odd cast of charecters for you kids) so imput is appreciated.
Well I had sometrouble debating on where to stick this, Harry Potter or Zelda? But since most of it will take place in Hyrule I went with Zelda. This story is not pre-written (none of my crap is) but its rather theripudic, I dont usually do comedy so tips, as well as grammatical help (Any betas out there? Heeeellllpppp meeeee!) are greatly appreciated.
My first crossover! Eh call it a guilty pleasure hehe...
I dont even have a summary for it... its hightly AU oviously. Basically it is set directly after Sirius is knocked through the veil and right before Link enters the Spirit temple. WARNING: In this fan fiction Shiek is a boy. Yes I am aware that in the game Shiek is actually Zelda, but I am the author and this is my twisted little universe so I am allowed to be in denile if i want to be...
Reviewers are loved and worshipped forever and ever...
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Chapter one
Sono Fab Itch?
Sirius Black awoke in what appeared to be the inside of a hollowed out tree (complete with tiny furnishings) unable to move, with a throbbing headache, a burn on his chest and a ball of light hovering over his face. He blinked a few times wondering idly why the ball of light was holding his wand (and how for that matter) when suddenly a horrible noise erupted from its center-a shrill, piercing noise, far too loud for and object that size.
"HeymynameisNaviwhoareyougetgetupgetupgetuptimetogetUP!"
Well that was mildly irritating, Sirius thought, trying not to follow the bouncing ball of…er…hyperactivity with his eyes. It was beginning to make him rather sea sick and certainly didn't help his head. Everything was still quite fuzzy, all he could clearly remember was his cousin Bellatrix (which was never a good sign), wanting to kill Kreacher (which was normal) and a baby-headed death eater (which was at least a dozen types of wrong). Was this Bellatrix's doing? He remember dueling her and getting cursed, but what kind of curse would send him into some kid's tree house occupied by a mad- and potentially homicidal-…well whatever the fuck it was.
Suddenly a horrible though occurred to him. What if he was dead? They had been fighting in the Death Chamber, and hadn't he been standing right in front of the Veil when Bellatrix fired that last curse?
No! Sirius immediately rationalized as laughter from outside the tree house met his ears. That was ridiculous, how could the afterlife be in the inside of a tree? No, he must have touched a port-key just as Bellatrix's curse had hit him. Yes that was it, all he had to do was fine out where he was and everything would be just fine. There was no way that he could possiably be dead.
"HeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHeyHey!"
Although, Sirius mused, as the shrieking ball of light continued to bounce over his face, (occasionally hitting him on the nose with his own wand) as far as Hellish punishments went this was rather effective. An eternity of this and Sirius would eagerly give up every sinful behavior he possessed in favor of a nice quite place where balls of light did not screech intelligible things in voices rivaling his Mothers' or smack him in the nose with his own wand.
But something was wrong here…Wasn't he supposed to be in the depths of the Department of Mysteries saving his godson and his friends from Voldemort and his-
Wait a second.
There was a wand in his face.
Well that wasn't good…
"DEATH EATERS! GAAH!" The little ball of hyperactivity was swatted unceremoniously into a nearby wall where it met with a satisfying THUNK and dropped Sirius's wand as it slid to the floor.
Sirius was relieved to find that he could move again.
Snatching his wand up from the floor where it had fallen, Sirius scrambled around a small wooden table, his back to the wall watching the thing which, for the moment, seemed to be quiet. Steadying himself on the table Sirius crept forward, wand held out in front of him, less it should hop up.
No longer dazed from Bellatrix's curse or the shock of the nothingness behind the Veil, Sirius's adrenalin was once again going, as was his worry for Harry. He had to get back, he was obviously not dead after all- his heart was pumping much too fast- and, although he had no way of knowing how long he had been out, it was very likely that Harry, Moony, the kids and the rest of the Order were still in great danger.
There was a doorway covered by a curtain in front of him, from the orange glow under it Sirius could only assume that it was around twilight. A plan began to form in Sirius's mind; he would wait 'till dark, after all the voices outside had quieted (there was no sense in making a spectacle of himself in a strange place) then slip out of the tree house as Padfoot and try to find somewhere that looked familiar.
There was just one problem with his plan.
"OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR? I'M TELLING LINK! THAT HURT YOU-YOU SONO! FAB! ITCH!"
Oh dear, he had pissed off the glowball.
Wait… Sono Fab Itch?
Sirius shook his head and tried to grab the screeching ball, in hopes of crush- er- shushing it, before it alerted "Link" or whatever dwelled nearby, to his presence, but the damned thing was too fast. Planting himself in front of the doorway so it couldn't escape Sirius held up his wand.
"Stupify!" He yelled brandishing his wand at the ball as it tried to fly out the window, it dodged out of the way, circled his head four our five times before taking off on a dizzying rampage throughout the tree house, scattering papers books and dishes to the ground.
"Stupify! Stupify! Stupify! Stuipify already damn you!"
Sirius's curses were doing as much damage as the "ball of hyperactivity" (and Sirius was forced to dive out of the way of the rebounds) soon the tree house was amply destroyed and still the screeching continued. Yet no one had come to investigate, which led Sirius to believe that there was a silencing spell around this place or the other residents just didn't give a damn. Apparently the little thing didn't believe the latter, from the way she was carrying on about this Link fellow.
"OH YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL LINK COMES!" It shrieked, knocking over a pitcher of water and dodging Sirius's stunner. "LINK WILL RESCUE ME AND KILL YOU AFTER I TELL HIM YOU TRIED TO HURT ME! LINK WONT BE AFRAID OF YOU MAGIC! LINK IS THE STRONGEST, SMARTEST, SEXIEST-"
"STUPIFY!"
"EEK!"
The stunner finally connected but the ball collided with the closed window, rebounded off and was sent spinning across the floor coming to a halt in the doorway, against one, well-worn leather boot.
Sirius, immediately leaped to his feet, wand out stretched and came face to face with a young man of perhaps seventeen, dressed in a green tunic with a sword and shield strapped to his back.
The young man gazed, open mouthed, around the destroyed tree house for a moment, noted the disheveled- bleeding- Sirius brandishing a wand at him from near the fireplace and finally looked down at the ball of light that was laying, finally quietly, at his feet.
"Navi?" he exclaimed quietly, reaching down to pick her up.
Ah this must be Link. Sirius tensed, waiting for the sword to be drawn, but the young man was examining Navi closely, as she flopped listlessly into his hand, prodding her with his finger.
"What did you do to her?" Link asked in a strangely choked voice.
"I- ah - Stupify." Sirius said. "Simple stunner…" He tensed himself for the rage that was sure to follow, preparing to stun this Link if he so much as touched the hilt of that sword.
But Link seemed far from angry. He was still looking at the glowing figure in his hand and Sirius was astounded to see that his shoulders were shaking and a choked sound was coming from him. Was he crying?
"I-I didn't kill it- er -her" Sirius managed. "I can take it off-"
"Take it off?" Link exclaimed looking up for the first time, and Sirius was astonished to see that, yes there were tears in his eyes, but they were tears of laughter.
"Why in Farore's name would you want to do that?! This," He brandished Navi at Sirius (who's mouth was agape). "Is the single most irritating creature in all of Hyrule! Have you heard her speak? Can you possibly imagine waking up to that every morning?"
"I think I can try." Sirius said wryly, feeling as if he may not have to avoid an attempted skewering tonight, he lowered his wand slightly.
Link, who was still chuckling, tossed Navi onto the nearby bed, surveyed the damaged again then turned back to Sirius.
"So," Link said amiably. "Who are you and why are you in my house?"
Sirius gaped at this. Either this man was very sure of his own skills in defense or very stupid, Sirius was fairly sure if he found his home destroyed and his- er -glowball stunned he would be less then amicable to the culprit.
Link grinned at his expression, seeming to read his thoughts. "No need to look so stunned. I promise you if the Sages hadn't warned me of your presence in Hyrule this morning, I would be running you through with my sword right about now."
"Um, that's good…I think…" Sirius managed, not really sure if this made him feel better. "But if your… Sages… know I'm here then why are you asking? And where is here anyway?"
Link snorted "Damned Sages, apparently they spend all their free time in the sacred realm think up ways to torment me with riddles." He sat heavily down on the bed- nearly crushing Navi -and gestured for Sirius to take a seat as well, Sirius obligingly sank down into a small wooden chair that had somehow escaped the mayhem, perhaps more confused then ever.
"They told me someone from another dimension was currently lingering in between all worlds." Link explained. "They apparently sensed you floating around out there-" He waved his hand vaguely. "And brought you to this world before your mind could turn on itself and began to deconstruct your body or implode and send your spirit into an eternal realm of darkness and despair…"
"Deconstruct my…implode…realm of…"
"Their words not mine." Link said with a shrug. "I was told you would be sent somewhere safe with Navi as a guardian until I returned, and that once I found you I was to take you to Princess Zelda so we could work out a way to get you home. So I need to know anything about you that might help us get you home"
Sirius blinked, rather relived that he had been spared all that, but there was still the problem of getting home.
"Well, ah, thanks then, I guess…" He began. "My name is Sirius Black, and I'm from England and… I'm a wizard?" he added helpfully.
Link stuck out a hand, "Link." he said as Sirius grasped his hand. "Well I don't really have any idea of how to help you cross worlds- that's where the Princess comes in- but I'll help you any way I can."
Sirius suddenly cocked his head in thought, much like a dog. "Can you answer a question for me then Link?" he asked.
Link raised an eyebrow. "Sure." he said.
"What in Merlin's name is a 'Sono Fab Itch'?"
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hehehehe Sono Fab Itch... sonofabitch get it?! get it?! Navi is being corrupted by Link's colorful vocabulary (though she's not even bright enough to swear right), the poor boy is fighting monster after monster I'd be cussin' too.
I dispise Navi the fairy...didja pick up on that?
Yeah I know...shut up and write... ;)
Review, I beg of thee...