Disclaimer: I do not own House M.D. or Where I Stood by Missy Higgins
I don't know what I've done
Or If I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And, honey, you know me
It's all or none
She's standing around the corner, outside the doorway to his office, thinking of some plausible reason to interrupt his conversation with Cuddy.
She left her purse? Labcoat? Pencil? Nametag?
Give her something!
She closes her eyes, praying that the darkness will take away her fear...of what? She had battled the dragon that is Gregory House for nearly five years. Her bravery whispers in her ear "There's nothing to be afraid of."
But Cuddy's leaning on his desk with a twinkle in her eye, and her teeth shone like white seeds in the core of a crimson fruit. Her breasts are spilling out, and while House glances down once in a while, he's looking in her eyes.
She pins her hair up in a clip and breathes slow, unsteady breaths.
He'd never know the earthquakes he caused inside of her.
Daintily, she walks on the balls of her feet, careful not to make too much noise with her pointed heel.
A scoff lightened with a girlish giggle erupts from Cuddy's mouth, as her eyes roll at him.
Even his mouth curves into what resembles a portion of a smile.
Lightly, Cameron's fist taps at the glass door.
His smile disappears and her mouth clamps shut.
Both bodies contort to look at the direction of the doorway.
In an awkward silent-film conversation, House motions exaggerated gestures for her to come in.
"A little pointless to knock on a glass door, isn't it Chase. It is Chase now, right?"
"Wrong. And I was being polite." She replies lamely.
After an awkward silence, House layers his hands on top of one another, circling the thumbs. His lips form the words "awkward turtle". Cuddy straightens herself up and nods to House and takes a long stride to Cameron.
"Goodbye Dr. Cameron. Best of luck" Cuddy states, only allowing a few syllables to be laced with emotion.
"Thank you so much." Cameron says with deep sincerity, though the words can barely make it out of her lips.
Cuddy exits, floating in her corporate casual heels, but not without grinning at House, leaving him seared with the glowing image of her. Her eyes linger on his, sending hidden messages that only the two of them could decipher.
Cameron tells herself that it was better if she didn't know. His eyes follow the brunette out and around the corner.
It was only the two of them now, and the sky had gone from gold to black.
"Goodbye Dr. Cameron. Best of luck" House mimics thoughtfully, playing mock-Chopin on his desk.
"I'm leaving."
"And you're here."
"I'm leaving this hospital" she clarifies
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening
"Why." He demands, not adding the proper inflection to the end of word
"I've gotten all I can from this job" she echoes her words from years ago, though she doesn't recall.
He does.
The vague answer simply doesn't suffice. His eyes inspect her quivering lip and glassy eyes that seem to be near the brink of gushing tears.
He tears his eyes away from hers, looking at his gray and red tennis ball, spinning it between his hands.
Eyes downcast he grumbles, "You were always above the E.R."
"Thanks?"
"It's not a compliment. A monkey is above the E.R." A melancholy chuckle pours out of her mouth, and his eyes go back to her again.
Cause I don't know who I am
Who I am without you
All I know is that I should
"I just wanted to thank you," she whispers, cursing her feet for moving herself closer to his heated body.
"For what? Thank Chase. At least he made you scream for the right reasons."
Was that....regret in his voice?
She vibrates her head side to side, completely ridding herself from the idea.
"Not any more."
It's plain and it's simple.
"You're leaving because of him?" he asks, his voice raised at the end, with genuine search for an answer.
"No."
"You're leaving because of me."
It's not a question anymore.
"Yes."
He chuckles triumphantly, he had won her body and mind.
"Oh, Cammy-Bear. If you wanted me, you should've said so," he mocks he innocence.
"Let me clarify," she begins with enough confidence to shake his earth, "I am leaving because of what you made me."
"Don't tell me you're gonna morph into Foreman"
"No. Don't interrupt." her abrasive shortness shocks him, " I'm leaving because I've outgrown this place. I should have left two years ago. I should have really left. I need to challenge myself. You've made me stronger, smarter, better-"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm the 'wind beneath your wings', I got it."
And I don't know if I could stand
Another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
"God, will you shut up!" she slams her hands on his desk, though the tips of her middle fingers brush against his hand.
Terrified, she looks into his eyes, praying she didn't overstep the line.
Slowly, her eyes dare to look at the hands she touched.
Who else has touched him?
Heated images and scenes play in her head between House and Cuddy. She shudders at the reality of it all.
For the moment, she couldn't be happier that this is the last moment she'd spend with him.
"I-I just. Thank you."
Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Directly on cue, Cuddy re-enters and motions to House.
Cameron sees her glow, and truly vibrant hue.
Lisa Cuddy was in love with Gregory House.
It was a good thing.
Idealistically, Cameron hoped he would be happy.
Realistically, she knew he wouldn't be
"Goodbye House," she says attempting to be as musical as Cuddy
All she got was one staccato after another.
See, I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
Her clothes are packed and shoved in symmetrical, brown boxes. she's left with a pair of boxers and a loose T-shirt for sleep, and sweats for the drive tomorrow.
The imagination that chronically damns her, dreams up a familiar rapping on the door. He's standing there, forget-me-not orbs drooping down at her lowly presence. He kisses her and....she wakes up.
Though the rapping never really goes away.
Standing up, feet guiding completely, she answers the door.
He's standing there, forget-me-not orbs drooping down at her.
Just like her mind.
"House..." she cracks, weakened from five years of hate, sexual tension, lust, love, trust, and pride.
It was his turn to shut her up.
He enters, stone cold and heart hardened.
Cause I don't know who I am
Who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand
Another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
"Why are you leaving?"
"I told you"
"Not good enough"
"My God, House. What the hell do you want from me?"
He says nothing.
For the first time in his life, he has nothing to say.
"Cuddy needs you." Her jaw hangs to the floor in disgust and disbelief.
"Yeah," she snarks, "I'm not the one trying to get into her pants. I don't want her to need me"
"I need you." he states with a firm belief.
"I don't want you to need me either," she whispers through jail-celled teeth.
Tooth grinding on tooth, she saws away her anger.
He tells her that she's impossible.
She agrees.
Somewhere, there's an airplane that passed overhead.
She wishes she was on that one, wherever it's headed. Gaza sounds better than this war-zone.
And I won't be far from where you are
If ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone
I've ever loved at all
"I'm going to Connecticut," she releases the information.
"Cameron from Connecticut. I never liked alliteration."
"You can always call if you need a consult or anything,"
"I hate calling."
"Then email, Facebook, text"
"I hate those too."
"Okay then."
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you,
"Well it's late. You should go...I have to be up soon."
He nods in agreement, letting his cane take control. She walks him to the door, memorizing his crooked footsteps, and the rhythmic beat they pounded into the floor.
"Don't go." he orders with shaky spine
"This is what I have to do"
Cause I don't know who I am
Who I am without you
All I know is that I should
"What do you want from me?" House shouts, his voice booming across the country-the world even.
"For you to be happy." she replies simply, not daring to countervail his tone.
"God, Cameron. Fight with me. Tell me how wrong I am. Yell at me. Something!"
She's never seen him out of character like this.
Sometimes, she's not sure what to do with him.
She supposes that's what Cuddy is for.
The young girl opens her mouth to speak, but House's phone rings.
He doesn't need to tell her it's Cuddy.
And I don't know if I could stand
Another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
"I'll be right over," he grunts urgently. Your smile is spread tight and then across your face. The tighter you squeeze, the less tears will fall.
"Good luck in Connecticut" he concedes.
"You don't mean that."
"You're right."
She folds her arms across her chest and turns away. Her whispers are barely audible, "She loves you, you know. Don't mess up."
He elicits a sharp sigh.
Part of him wishes he'd never had to hear it. He pretends he doesn't.
Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Begrudgingly, he thrusts his unoccupied hand forward in Cameron's direction. Some sort of peace treaty, she supposes.
She pivots around to face him and his open arm. What happens when she shakes his hand? The war between them will end.
All they have is war.
For some reason, she can't bring her arm up to meet his.
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood