Rating: PG....because of a few choice words here and there
Summary: Post S7, this is a few months after the battle with The First and Buffy is still quite depressed after everything that has happened. Willow suggests writing how she feels; the question is not what will Buffy write, but whom she'll write to?
Distribution: If you want it I'm flattered, but just let me know where it's going.
Disclaimer: Of course I own nothing Mr.I-Created-Buffy-I-Am-God-Whedon owns it all. So...no lawsuits please, I'm just a wee-Buffy fan whom has an obsession for the Spikeness ^_~
The Confession
Chapter 1Buffy had gotten out a sheet of paper and grabbed a pen from on top the dresser. She sat down at the desk contemplating whether or not what she was about to do made any sense. Willow told her that it helped to get your feelings out by writing them down. Buffy still felt so much pain in her heart, even though the final battle with The First had taken place months ago. She realized then that not only had she evaded another apocalypse, but also she hadn't spoken to her friends very much at all lately and she preferred to stay in the current hotel room she would be occupying then to go socialize with her friends.
The past couple months they moved around a lot; her, Xander, Willow, Dawn, Giles, Faith, Wood, and the now not-so-potiential-Slayerettes. After the battle they had traveled around to get the newly awakened Slayers, so as they could start training them. Most of the ones whom had fought with them in the battle went back to their families because; most, when they left home, didn't have time to even give an explanation as to where they went. The Scoobies had been staying in Cleveland, Ohio for almost a month now. The reason being because of the new Hellmouth there was a lot of activity going on around there so, it seemed like a good place to start with giving first hand experiences to the newly anointed Slayers.
Buffy came out of her mind for a moment and realized she had gotten sidetracked with her look back at the last few months. So she went back to the task at hand and thought.... what should she write about? She didn't know how to begin, though somehow in a few moments her hand began writing...
I've missed you these past few months. Never thought I would hear myself say those words...especially when concerning you. I often think of you and what would of happened, had you followed me out of the Hellmouth when I begged you to. Would The First have been defeated? Would the Hellmouth have closed? Would we be holding each other right now instead of me writing this? Few of the many questions in which I ask myself repeatedly.
I dream of you every night, I dream of moments from the past, of our final encounter in the opening of Hell. I relive our fights, our "dances" as you called them. I go over each memory of us together; the good, the bad, and the ugly...it doesn't matter to me as long as I can see your face. I sound selfish, I know I am; but how can I help it? I found the one person who always would stand by my side and never leave me, and I lost him to an apocalypse. You loved me with all of you unbeating heart and I was such a bitch for treating you so badly. I'm sorry for being a coward, for not admitting my feelings when it counted. To think that telling you I loved you would of saved you that day; I guess I'm a hopeless romantic. I should of known it wouldn't end happily ever after this time because, hell it never does.
Buffy wiped away at the sudden tears that fell from her eyes. She just missed him so much! She could hardly breath without thinking of him in each passing moment. Once she calmed down a bit she continued writing...
I miss you walking beside me as I patrol; I miss those blue eyes of yours that would see through me instantly; I miss your comforting touch; I even miss that damn leather duster of yours billowing out behind you, making you look so intimidating. I wonder where you are, Heaven or Hell? Are you somewhere in-between? I just hope you're not in some Hell dimension being tortured; you don't deserve that. God knows I've already given you enough beatings and bashings to last for eternities.
You changed so much in the last few years. When you came to SunnyDale, you were a cold-hearted bastard. You did things that make my stomach turn and what's worse; you enjoyed them. Then you just...changed. I think it all started when you got the chip, now that I think about it, yes. You sought me out because you couldn't kill; we made a sort of compromise...from what I remember. After that when Glory came, I went to you and you protected my mom and my sister. No matter how much Glory beat you to a bloody pulp, you never said a word about Dawn. You blamed yourself for what happened in the end, you shouldn't. You never let me down Spike, never.
Once you finally told me you loved me, I didn't believe you. I thought you were just messing with me like you had all those other times. After awhile though you kept after me and you kept telling me how you felt and I got confused and afraid. I thought I could never get a normal guy and I would just keep attracting the undead variety. I never realized that until now I would never get a "normal" guy because, I wasn't normal. I'm a Slayer, what guy could keep up with me but one of the abnormal kind.
When I came back from Heaven is when you really opened my eyes. You were so patient and understanding with me; and what did I do? The love you gave me, I abused it and used you with it. I don't know how you still loved me after that. You still pursued me though, never giving up hope that maybe one day I would say those sacred words to you. Following this you went and fought for a soul. You said you got what I deserved; you went through painful tests to give me what I deserved. I can't believe I didn't see what a man you were before that. I don't deserve you, your more of a man then any other I've met in my life's existence.
Buffy stared at the piece of writing, knowing she needed to write more, she needed to finally say everything she'd kept inside for years...
You never were a soul-less demon. I see that now, I see how truly wrong I was. You may have done some horrible things in your past but you've done so much good. You've fought by my side and protected me countless times the past couple years. I've never had anyone go to the lengths you have to defend me. I wish I had told you how I felt sooner, before any of this mess had happened. At least then we could of had some time together. I love you so much Spike. I wish I wouldn't of left when you told me to, maybe then we could finally be together. Though now I realize...you wouldn't of let me kill myself...not again; not even if it meant we could spend eternity together in Heaven. You already saw me die once and I don't think you wanted to see that site again; it's not like I'm a cat with nine lives, right?
You died laughing in the face of death like you always said you would; you watched as the Hellmouth crumbled around you taking your life with it. I will never forget that laugh; it was full of arrogance...and loneliness. Your words haunt me; once I had finally said the three seemingly forbidden words you countered with saying," No you don't.... but thanks for saying it anyway." Did you believe me? I wonder now if you actually listened to my confession that day. Could you have just dismissed my words of love as guilt? Well let me tell you right now; I felt plenty guilty that day, but when I told you I loved you...I meant it.
I still do mean it too. I realize that I have always loved you Spike. From the moment I saw you in the alley by the Bronze, I felt a connection...a spark. I was just too self-absorbed to see what my emotions toward you really were until that final day in that cavern. I don't want closure...that's not why I'm writing this; I'm not trying to move on.... because, I can't. You made me feel wanted in times of doubt, you gave me answers to the impossible, you made me feel alive, and you showed me life is worth living even if it seems unbearable. How can I dismiss all those memories and just move on?! Do you actually expect me to find some "normal" guy? We all saw how those attempts ended!
The sobs Buffy held in her throat since the day SunnyDale became a crater, escaped her and she broke down in tears at the desk. Suddenly filled with anger and resentment, Buffy slid everything that occupied the desktop to the floor in a heap of tangles. Once done she promptly collapsed to the hotel carpeted floor and cried out in agony.
Buffy lay curled into a ball on the floor of her hotel-room, sobbing and feeling ultimately defeated. So, as the Slayer cried herself to sleep she mumbled to herself over an over again, "why" and "I love you." Amazingly enough though; the pen and papers she had been writing on were a few feet away from her, unharmed and almost…almost as if they were placed there…just waiting for her to continue…
To Be Continued….
Author's Note: Well I know this idea has probably been done, and if so done to death. But I would like to think that I put my own unique voice into it. I tried to get to get the personality as close to Buffy as possible so hopefully I've achieved that somewhat. Anyway, please review I really would like to know what you all think.
---MoonSpiker