'The point is, I am going to get to figure it out. something is going to happen next. The point is. I am alive. And I wouldn't be if you hadn't been such a pain in my ass. I picked the right horse."
Arizona can't get Herman's words out of her head. After spending so many hours this week thinking she was going to have to pull the plug on her, and then to have her wake up, not only blind, but accepting of being blind and thankful to be alive. The blonde can't help but see the parallels between losing her leg and Herman losing her sight. The glaring difference was Herman went in to her surgery expecting to not come out and Arizona never thought she'd lose her leg.
Rolling over she reaches out to the empty bed, missing Callie again for the first time in a long time. It was really amazing this week to have her support and comfort. So many things she wants to talk with her about now. She gets it. For the first time, she thinks that she understands how difficult it was for Callie to not only have to decide about Mark, but also she had to decide to remove Arizona's leg after promising not to.
Picking up her phone, Arizona looks at the last message that Callie sent her.
"Enjoy your day off Zo, you deserve it."
Now laying here with the sunshine trying to creep in through the curtains and the birds chirping in the tree outside, all she can think about is talking to Callie. Instead she pulls up a familiar number and pushes call.
"It's been about four months Arizona, what brings you in today?" Dr. Dawson asks carefully.
"So much. So much has happened in the past four months, but it's the past week that I need to talk about." The blonde says as the tears start streaming down her face. In fact, that's really why she's here. She can't stop being tearful. Everything makes her tearful right now. She actually woke up in the middle of the night crying in her sleep.
"Dr. Dawson, in the past week, my mentor of the past few months underwent brain surgery and for the past 72 hours, I've agonized over what to do if she doesn't wake up. But she did. She did wake up." Arizona says through tears.
"That's wonderful." The doctor says waiting for her to continue.
"She woke up happy to be alive. She didn't think she'd survive the surgery. And she woke up simply happy to be alive." Arizona says pausing to wipe away tears and catch her breath. "It just brought back to me, when I woke up alive but without my leg. I should have been happy to be alive. I should have been happy to have survived the plane crash. Why couldn't I?"
"Arizona, there's a distinct difference…" The therapist begins to point out.
"I know there is. There's a huge difference between undergoing surgery for a brain tumor and surviving a plane crash." She says leaning forward. "And she hasn't had time for it to sink in. It's one thing to be blind lying in a hospital bed, and it will be another when she's at home trying to live her life. And she's a surgeon, but you can't be a blind surgeon." She says tears falling again.
Dr Dawson hands the blonde more tissue and waits her out.
"She picked me. She picked me for the fellowship and she spent weeks, months actually beating me up, teaching me so much. I did a solo fetal surgery. It was successful." Arizona says tears falling again.
"Arizona that's wonderful. How do you feel about that?" Dawson asks.
"Good. Really good. I was nervous. Do you know what it's like to touch a baby that's not even born yet?" The blonde pauses and takes a moment to feel it herself. Wiping away tears, she continues. "It's a privilege. It's an amazing privilege. It's an awesome privilege. A privilege that I have that because she picked me. She saw something in me that made her think that I could do this. Honestly I didn't think I could half the time. It's terrifying. I guess, it's similar to what brain surgery is like, actually."
Going a bit off track seems to have helped the blonde to center her thoughts. She's less tearful now, Dawson notices.
"Did she talk to you about why she picked you?" Dawson asks.
The blonde thinks for a moment, thinking back to the many conversations that she had with Herman.
"She did not. Well, she said she just knew. But I'm not sure if she was talking about the fellowship or the medical proxy." Arizona pauses again to reflect on those conversations.
"She picked you as her medical proxy." Dawson states and waits to gauge the blonde's reaction.
"She did." Arizona replies simply. No tears. "We talked about it. Not her picking me for her proxy, she didn't talk to me about that. Just one day she told me that I was it and she told me what she wanted and that was that." As she states this Arizona's posture opens up and the tears have dried up.
"How did you feel about that?" Dawson asks the obvious question.
"Well I didn't. I couldn't, because it was done. I just hoped, prayed actually that I wouldn't have to make the decision. But I almost did. I almost did have to make the decision. She didn't wake up after her surgery and I spent almost 72 hours agonizing over it." Arizona recounts.
"Alone?" Dawson asks. "Was the decision yours alone or were there family members involved?"
"Dr Herman doesn't have family, so it was just on me to decide." Arizona says. "I've known her for less than six months and she trusted me to make this decision for her." Pausing and getting tearful again. She covers her face with her hands.
"Arizona?" Dawson leans forward and touches the blonde on the shoulder.
"Callie was there." She says looking up, hands open on her lap almost questioning it.
"How was Callie there?" The doctor asks, although she knows because Callie has been seeing her weekly for the last two months. And has called her multiple times for phone sessions during the last 3 days.
"After I completed my solo surgery and Herman was still in surgery herself, Callie came looking for me. I was just sitting there on the couch reflecting on everything and scared to death that Herman wouldn't survive the surgery. Everyone was watching the surgery, but I couldn't watch." Arizona says softly. "Callie sat with me, holding my hand."
The doctor moves back in her chair. Waiting for her to continue.
"It was nice. Callie there with me was good. It felt right. And for the first time it wasn't confusing to be near her. I took comfort from her." Arizona explains.
Nodding the doctor feels relieved because that's what Callie felt too. It's nice that they are on the same page now. Not that she can tell either of them that.
"I realized that even though I knew what Nicole wanted, I wasn't prepared to make the decision. With Callie there beside me I realized that not only did she have to make that decision for Mark, she had to make a decision for me. And she didn't have me to help her and here she was offering me support for someone she didn't know and I barely knew." Arizona looks up at the doctor, slightly out of breath.
"Arizona, these are good insights and you have good perspective. So why are you here?" Dawson feels like she need to draw her out or she won't get to her point until the end of the hour and she can't give her more time today, because she's already given up her lunch time to fit the blonde in today.
"I'm here because I want to talk with Callie and acknowledge how strong and amazing she is, but I need to understand what I'm feeling about her. It used to feel like my heart hurt just to be around her, and it still does, but its different kind of hurt now and I need to understand that. I don't trust her with my heart any more, but then she inspires trust when she's supportive like that, so what do I do with that. With her. With this?"
"What do you want to do with it?" The doctor asks.
Smirking at the doctor turning it around on her even though Arizona knew it was coming. "I miss her. I miss us. But we haven't been the us that I miss in a long time." She begins. "This feels comfortable and maybe this is what we are now. Friends who support each other, who have a daughter together."
"Would you be okay with that?" Dawson asks her.
Instead of answering, Arizona continues, "I don't know if she's moved on. I mean, I've heard that she's gone out with... but I don't know who or if... Well, it's not really my business, but I want to ask. Do I have a right to ask?"
"You do have a right to ask, but just know that he doesn't have to answer." Dawson leans forward in her chair. "What about you, Arizona? Have you moved on?"
"I have actually. Although, I haven't been with anyone. I do feel like I've moved on from that place of hurt and loss. I know that we are over. But I also know that we are different people now." She says thoughtfully. "Three years ago, I couldn't imagine my life without her, but now I have lived the past six months without her and I am fine. I totally need to get my own place, but otherwise I am fine." This last part is said with a slight smile.
Dawson sits back again, amazed at this disclosure by Arizona, she's come full circle. This is the healthy confident woman that she first met. Even though her first session was after she came back from Africa and was dealing with Callie's rejection and subsequent pregnancy. She is challenged by certain aspects of her life, but she's not dangerously overwhelmed like she has been in the past.
"So you're going to talk with Callie." Dawson states, wanting to check in to see if the blonde has talked herself out of it now.
"Yes, I am. There's so much I need to say to her. I want her to know that I finally appreciate the position she was in when she made the decision to remove my leg. I don't think I fully understood that before and I owe her that much." Arizona says clearly. Realizing that she's finally stopped crying.
"Thank you for seeing me Dr Dawson. I think I've got the perspective that I needed." Arizona says standing up to go.
"Arizona, I am always here for you." Dawson says reaching out to put an arm across the blonde's shoulder as she walks her to the door.
Turning around, Arizona gives the doctor a light hug and then turns to leave, flashing a huge smile and twinkling blue eyes.