Star Wars Episode II: Sex, Drugs, and the Attack of the Clones
Star Wars in a can opening
More bad things are happening, only this time, the Jedi are making it worse. What is the world coming to and why is the ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC so
important?
CGI Starry Back Drop
Pan UP to planet. OOOH surprise!
Very slow space ships move
Audience: Land already! Ship lands on an obviously rigged CGI landing platform on the incredibly
CGI Corescant Planet!
Obvious decoy is killed in space ship explosion
Audience: that's much better.
Amidala: At age 24, I still look like I did 10 years ago
INT: Obviously Evil home of the Obviously Evil Palpatine
Palpatine: I'm obviously evil. Negotiations people!
Yoda: Jar Jar clouds everything. Hard to see the future is.
Audience: NO its JAR JAR!
Amidala: Dooku is trying to kill me.
Counsel: doubtful, very doubtful.
Yoda glares at Obviously Evil Palpatine
Palpatine: take Jedi protection! I love you Padme.
INT: Very CGI elevator, leading up to the CGI quarters of Amidala
Obi Wan: Let me break the awkwardness.
Ani: I'm better than you.
Obi Wan: Screw you.
INT: Very CGI quarters of Amidala
Jar Jar: Blah blah blah
Audience: NOOOOOOO
Amidala: I love you Ani.
Ani: I love you Padme.
Obi Wan pukes
Ani: I love you Padme
Obi Wan: Obey me!
Ani: If you looked like Padme, I just might.
Obi Wan slaps Ani
Ani hides in shadows
Amidala: I'm not gonna watch this
Jar Jar: I'm gonna do somethingsa stupidsa.
Ani: Shut up Jar Jar.
EXT: Obviously Evil meeting place in the outside of the Obviously CGI
Planet Corescant
Obviously Evil Bounty Hunter: Kill Amidala.
INT: Very CGI quarters of Amidala
Ani: I have good Jedi senses.
Obi Wan: No you don't. Stop trying to kill your love.
Ani: No.
Obi Wan: Can I analyze your dreams?
Ani: Ok.
Obi Wan: Your dreams will pass.
Audience: Oh that was really insightful.NOT!
Ani: Amidala makes me feel high.
Jar Jar: (music) 'cause I got high, because I got hiiigh!
INT: Amidala's Bedroom
R2D2: Beep Beep
Evil bugs who are too smart snek towards Amidala
INT: Very CGI apartment of Amidala
Ani: Palpatine rocks.
Obi Wan: He is obviously evil. I sense something.
Ani: your high too!
INT: Amidala's Bedroom
Amidala: Because I got high, because I got hiiigh.
Obi Wan follows the Obviously Evil Bounty Hunter, being pursued by Ani.
Many good CGI flying scenes
Ani rescues Obi Wan EXT: Spaceship flying though the very busy, Obviously CGI Planet Corescant
Obi Wan: You almost killed me! You are too cocky.
Ani: Amidala intoxicates me.
Ani does things one should never do in a convertible
Ani does something stupid which, nevertheless, turns out ot be just the
right thing to do.
Ani: I'm gonna commit suicide.
Obi Wan: Why am I always stuck with stupid people? Ani holds on to Obviously CGI ship and cuts with Obviously CGI light saber.
Bounty Hunter: My face is chchchchanging.
Ship blows up
Bounty Hunter escapes and runs like hell
INT: Obviously Evil CGI Night Club on Planet Corescant
Obi Wan: Ani, wait, lets go slow because it will so not keep running.
Ani: Fat chance.
Audience: Ew. women in thongs
Ani: It's a changer.
Audience: What's a changer?
Music in the background: 'cause I got high, because I got hiiigh.
Person 1: Buy Death sticks!
Obi Wan: Rethink your life (Jedi mind tricks rock!)
Person 1: Ok
Obi Wan catches Bounty Hunter
EXT: Behind club
Bounty Hunter: I will tell you nothing!
Ani: I am obviously evil.
INT: Jedi Counsel
Yoda: I'm gonna make Ani have an assignment with the person he wants
to.rape.
Ani: YAY!
INT: Obviously evil home of Obviously evil Palpetine
Ani: I trust you implicitly.
Palpatine: I love you Ani.
INT: Jedi Counsel
Obi Wan: Don't give Ani an assignment
Yoda: Its ok (mind trick does not work).
Obi Wan: Bad idea.
INT: Amidala's Very CGI home
Amidala: Jar Jar, you are in charge.
Jar Jar: Okie day.
Audience: Bad idea but at least we don't have to deal with him
Jar Jar: Blah Blah Blah
Amidala: I love you Ani Ani: I love you Padme. I am gonna have a brief, profound moment and then
shrinking to the Obviously evil seven year old on Tatooine.
Amidala: I'm afraid, I'm very afraid. Most say something profound.
Ani I am so not sorry.
EXT: Landing Craft for Naboo
Obi Wan: Ani, be good
Padme: I cant look cheap, no matter what I do!
Ani: Lets go frolic in the hay.
R2D2: I feel ignored. Obi Wan and Guard: Were afraid. Why did we send these two off alone again?
INT: Obviously evil diner
Obi Wan: What is this (holds up dart).
Obviously evil friend of Obi Wan: you wont understand.
Audience: No kidding. Because I got high, because I got hiiigh.
Obviously Evil Friend of Obi Wan: You must gamble
Obi Wan: Flash back to Qui Gon.
INT: Jedi Library
Obi Wan: Why are the archives incomplete?
Librarian: Thou shalt not insult the holy archives.
George: that is the 10th commandment, for those of you who care.
Audience: Alright oh mighty Zeus!
INT: Random Café on the way to Naboo
R2D2: Why am I now the personal slave?
Ani: I love you Padme.
Amidala: I love you Ani.
Ani: love rocks!
INT: Jedi Classroom
Yoda: A visitor we have. Time to make fun of Obi Wan it is.
Audience: Oh Ewan! Just marry me! Please!
Yoda: Randomly search where the planet should be.
Obi Wan: Ok. First let me get high.
EXT: Naboo Palace
Ani: you were a good queen. I love you Padme.
Amidala: I am a good senator. I love you Ani.
INT: Palace of Naboo
Queen: Negotiations! Peace!
Audience: flashback. NOOOOOOOOOOO
Ani: you are taking away my job!
Amidala: I am starting to understand Obi Wan.
Audience: 1st sign of division between high lovahs.
EXT: Random Space Crappy starship blasts off with Obi Wan inside it and lands. Remember this
landing platform
Obviously Evil Alien: Hello, Obi Wan. We have been expecting you!
Obi Wan: Damn what the hell am I on?
La Matsu: I look vaguely like Elrond.
Obi Wan: Erm. Uh huh. I'll pretend I know what you're talking about.
La Matsu: This army is for the republic. I must foreshadow.
Obi Wan: Sure. So what did you say I was on again?
EXT: Excessively Pretty CGI Naboo Palace
Padme: I am madly in love with you, Ani! So look at my slutty dress! Ani: I don't like sand. I'm making a fool of myself. I love you Padme! Kiss
me now! Padme: just a sec, wait for this hallucinogen to wear off. did you say you
don't like sand?
10 min later
Ani: Ok, shall we kiss yet?
Padme: er, not until the audience is asleep.
Audience: *zzzzzzzzz snick snick. Have they kissed yet? Damn.
Ani: ok, I have waited 10 years to do this.
Audience: FINALLY!!! Padme: Whoops, I wasn't supposed to do that, huh? Ok, no more kisses for at
least two scenes.
INT: Random Space Port on Random Planet
Obi Wan: Damn, that's a lot of clones.
La Matsu: yeah, they're smart too.
Obi Wan: Really? La Matsu: Yeah, and they're genetically altered! Oh, let me mention bounty
hunters.
Obi Wan: That's what I'm here for, huh.
Obviously Evil Alien: Wanna sleep with me?
Obi Wan: Ok.
Female Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Obi Wan: ok
Camera pan across army of CGI clones, that look like storm troopers
Audience: GASP! STORM TROOPERS
EXT: Excessively Pretty CGI Planet of Naboo
Ani: So, who did you love before me?
Padme: well he was insanely handsome.
Ani: ok, that's enough. I'm jealous.
Audience: what's with those.NOOOOOOOOOOO LEIA!
Ani: Lets put some semblance of intelligence in this movie: politics!
Padme: but you'll make fun of me.
Ani: All right, enough politics. Lets romp!
Audience: Oh no. Bad thoughts. No get out! Get out! Suggestive pictures on screen, prompting all audience members over age 13
to think of porn
EXT: Random Planet
Dragon rider of? Approaches CGI Clone building
INT: Jengo Fett's Obviously Evil CGI Apartments in the CGI Clone Building
Obviously Evil Alien: Foreshadowing is your friend. Hello future bounty
hunter Boba Fett.
Jengo: Time to set up some tension between Obi Wan, making the less dim members of the audience and myself realizes Obi Wan is tracking ME! Do you
like me? Obi Wan: of course! I look forward to seeing massive reproductions of you
in action!
Female Audience: We look forward to seeing YOU in action! Hehe
Jengo: Ok, time to go.
INT: Obviously CGI Dining Room in the Palace of Naboo Ani: Time to crack bad jokes that are actually vaguely funny. Let me cut
your obviously evil CGI pear for you!
INT: Obviously CGI Living Room in the Palace of Naboo
Padme: Look; I'm falling out of my dress! Ani: *drool. Let me profess my love to thee. But I hurt. Because I'm close to you. If you kiss me again, it will make it all better.damit why don't
you suffer? Speak!
Audience: what the.
Padme: i.
Ani: no not like that
Extended make out scene
EXT: Random CGI Landing Craft on the Random Planet
Obviously Evil Alien: I will miss you, my love. Obi Wan: why did I do that? To Yoda: Um.there was an.er.bounty hunter. and
. uh.some clones.that's it! Yoda: lying you are. Find the bounty hunter or else I will tell the whole
Jedi Counsel about what really happened.
EXT: Palace of Naboo
Ani: I am having a wet dream.
Audience: wow nice position!
Ani: my mommy haunts me.
Audience: uh huh.
Ani: let me help her
Padme: I love you, take me with you.
EXT: Random CGI Landing Craft on the Random Planet
Obi Wan has a cool CGI sword fight with Jengo Fett.
As Obi Wan falls off the space ship:
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I do not know why she swallowed a fly
Because I got high, because I got high.
Obi throws tracking device on ship
EXT: Obviously Evil CGI Market Place on the Planet Tatooine
Ani: chut chut watto
Audience: huh? Ew flies
Watto: Ani? I hate you leave me alone. I sold your mom, just leave me
alone!
Ani: fine! Let me just use my intimidation to get my way.
Watto: fine I will help you.
EXT: Random Planet with Lots of Comets
Audience: ooh Saturn
Boba Fett: shake him off dad
Jengo Fett: yeah we are gonna kill him.
Boba: yippee!
Audience: wow you are really screwed up!
Obviously evil CGI bombs and effects fly out at Obi Wan
Obi Wan: Aw damit!
Audience: those are the coolest bombs ever.
Ships fly though Obviously Evil CGI meteors
Boba: we killed him.
Audience: George, please kill off this sick kid.
George: hey! He is based on me as a child.
Audience: that explains a lot!
Obi Wan hides and saves himself from further CGI dangers
INT: Shimi's House
R2D2: I feel neglected.again.
C3PO: your mother is dead.
Ani: waaaaaaaaaaa
Lars: my girlfriend lives with me. Can you guess what we do?
Padme: probably what WE do.
Obviously evil Step Dad: I'm racist and hopeless.
Ani: I don't like you. I can find her, you are dumb and I am bitter.
Padme: I will miss you. Ominous music and shadows of Darth Vader flash across the screen. Obviously Evil Ani sets off on an obviously evil speeder a la Darth Maul in search of
Obviously Evil captors of Shimi.
Audience: she has a home?
EXT: Obviously Evil Saturn-like Planet
Obi Wan sees lots of heavy machinery
Viceroy: I want Amidala's head on a silver platter.
Lee: you sicko! All right though.
All: we will sign your treaty.
Lee: The Jedi have no chance.
EXT: Obviously Evil Camp of the Captors of Shimi Ani: could they be keeping my mother there? Yes I think I will jump down 3
stories and investigate the paper mache tents.
Obviously evil dog thing coughs up a bone
Ani: look at me dart between the tents. I am so stealthy.
Audience: sure.
Shimi: I love you Ani!
Ani: I love you mommy!
Audience: does everyone in the movie have a mad crush on him?
Ani: yes.
Shimi dies
Ani: she died? I must kill them all! Audience: why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people
is wrong?
All Jedi: disturbance.in.. force
Vader music plays
EXT: Obviously Evil Saturn-like Planet
Obviously Evil grasshopper pops up
Obi Wan: stay where you are, take care of Padme.
EXT: Tatooine
Ani arrives at his stepfather's house carrying the body of Shimi.
Audience: now where did he get the body bag?
Obviously Evil Step Dad: I feel stupid.
INT: Mechanic Basement in Obviously Stupid Evil Step Dad's House
Ani: I am an obviously evil mechanic!
Audience: Ooooh look at the pretty flashing patterns in the background.
Ooooh foreshadowing!
Ani: I hate Obi Wan.
Padme: I'm afraid.
Ani: I killed them all!
Padme: Homicide, life on the street!
EXT: Shimi's Funeral
Ani: I am all-powerful!
Audience: just throw the damn dirt already. Padme: it is hot and I am wearing a scarf. Does that make any sense to you?
Me neither. Good we are all on the same page.
C3PO: Ani, I'm gonna use irony with Obi Wan's name.
Ani: fine fine ya big pain!
Yoda: There is more happening on Geonosis. Audience: no duh! And that one button transmits a message to Courescant and
brings up a map. Hmmm. Who would guess?
Padme: my hair looks like the Bohr model of the atom!
Padme (con't): We have to save Obi Wan.
Ani: but.
Padme: come on, handsome. You're coming with me.
INT: A Building in Courescant
The obviously evil leaders of some random planet counsel
Palpatine: I have the blue alien under my control! Give me power!
Suggestive pan to Jar Jar. Could he actually be. useful? Nah
INT: Cage on Obviously Evil Saturn-like Planet
Obi Wan: Traitor. Lee: Actually, my name is Saruman! By the way, this is a mistake. I'll set
you free.
Obi Wan: Sure. Lee: on my terms. By the way, let me bring up painful memories of Qui Gon.
Obi Wan: Gandalf- I mean Qui Gon would never join you!
Lee: sure. He was only my APRENTICE! Darth Sauron is controlling the
republic!
Audience: Wow, Obi Wan has really cool boots. Why is this movie so like
Lord of the Rings? Lee: You must join me, Gandalf, and together we will share the power of the
One Ring! Hold on, that's the wrong movie. Obi Wan: I will never join you, Dooku-man! I mean. Saruku! Well. who ever
you are.
INT: Senate
Jar Jar: give Palpatine control of whole universe!
Audience: we hate you, jar jar.
George: But. he's saying something useful!
Audience: so what?
ET Aliens: ET phone home!
Palpatine: I'm gonna make an army.
Jedi: we will go to Geonosis.
EXT: Geonosis Padme: I'm better than you so listen to me! Hey look, the walls are waking up and they can see through my shirt. Ahhhh. Yes today was a bad day for
this outfit. Especially with all these Obviously Evil CGI machines.
Ani: Waving lightsabor needlessly and fighting the Obviously Evil CGI
machinery. Guess who won?
Padme: I'm gonna die.
C3PO: look, now I'm comic relief.
Ani: I'm gonna die.
The molten iron moves ever nearer and yet ever farther away from Padme
until she is freed from the giant CGI cup
Ani: Damn, my light saber got broken in half. again.
INT: CGI Hut Before CGI Ring Of Death
Padme: I love you Ani
Ani: I love you Padme
Audience pukes. A lot
EXT: CGI Ring Of Death
Ani: we came to rescue you!
Obi Wan: Bloody helpful of you. Not really
Obviously Evil Random Alien: fjouelrueoiu
Audience: ahhhhh!
Obviously evil CGI rats, bulls and crabs come out
Padme climbs up tower
Obi wan lets crab release him and dances around
Ani jumps on bull's back Padme's shirt becomes even more see-through due to parts of it being torn
away. Ani drools
Crab, possibly even more annoying than Jar Jar, tries to kill Obi Wan
Padme kicks cat in the stomach and cat (a big wuss) crumbles and cries
before striking a new offensive
Ani tames the bull
Padme jumps and lands on the "magic triangle"
Male Audience: ow!
Obi Wan: gotcha! Or not.
Windu: this party is over! Jedi come out from random places and unnecessarily wave lightsabors over
their heads. Jedi army charges Obviously Evil CGI Droids. Obviously evil battle ensues.
One must wonder how the Jedi don't get hit in the back.
C3PO: I really AM comic relief huh? Jengo: I'm gonna kill people, then swing my gun around like a really cool
dude.
Obi Wan kills crab.
Audience: Yay! Next up: Jar Jar.
Windu kills Jengo.
Audience: Yay!
Boba: my daddy's dead. Waaaaaaaa
Audience: haha serves you right
C3PO: Die, Jedi dogs!
Jedi are hopelessly outnumbered. They die in droves.
Clones and Yoda come. to save the day!
Obviously Evil Alien gives plans to Dooku for Obviously Evil, Obviously
Predictable Death Star.
Something blows up
Audience: We like!
Obviously evil Dooku rides obviously evil scooter a la Darth Maul
Audience: How many times is it necessary that we see that?
Really cool CGI dust scene with neon lights.
Padme falls on only non-rocky piece of ground.
Ani: Padme! Don't leave me!
Obi Wan: Now, now, Ani, remember you're not supposed to love her!
Ani: ok.fine!
INT: Obviously Evil Docking Port
Ani: Ok, I'll kill Dooku. now!
Ani is quickly disposed of, due to arrogance.
Obi Wan: Stupid kid. Somewhere else, Padme lays injured on ground but seemes fine when she gets
up
Padme: We have to help Ani!
Dooku hurts Obi Wan
Female Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Ani randomly flies to save Obi Wan but doesn't do too good of a job, even
with two light sabers. Very cool scene in the dark with light sabers
ensues.
Ani: look, my arm got cut off, so I stuffed it in my shirt! Yoda approaches. Major test of will occurs, in which *gasp Yoda prevails!
Yoda takes out light saber
Audience: They come in pints? We love you, Yoda!
Count Dooku runs. Audience: wow, Ani and Obi Wan are really resilient. They must be on. well
something.
Lee/ Dooku: Here, o Palpatine. Have plans for the death star.
Ominous music plays, pan over clones. The clone war has begun.
Anti-climatically, Ani and Padme get married
Ani: I love you Padme
Padme: I love you Ani
Audience: finally!
George Lucas is named excessively
Audience: We hate you, George. We love you George.
George: Oh yeah? Well @&$^
Film cuts
Obi Wan's Disembodied Voice:
There once was a lady who swallowed a fly
I do not know why she swallowed a fly
Perhaps she'll die
Because I got high, because I got hiiigh.
Star Wars in a can opening
More bad things are happening, only this time, the Jedi are making it worse. What is the world coming to and why is the ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC so
important?
CGI Starry Back Drop
Pan UP to planet. OOOH surprise!
Very slow space ships move
Audience: Land already! Ship lands on an obviously rigged CGI landing platform on the incredibly
CGI Corescant Planet!
Obvious decoy is killed in space ship explosion
Audience: that's much better.
Amidala: At age 24, I still look like I did 10 years ago
INT: Obviously Evil home of the Obviously Evil Palpatine
Palpatine: I'm obviously evil. Negotiations people!
Yoda: Jar Jar clouds everything. Hard to see the future is.
Audience: NO its JAR JAR!
Amidala: Dooku is trying to kill me.
Counsel: doubtful, very doubtful.
Yoda glares at Obviously Evil Palpatine
Palpatine: take Jedi protection! I love you Padme.
INT: Very CGI elevator, leading up to the CGI quarters of Amidala
Obi Wan: Let me break the awkwardness.
Ani: I'm better than you.
Obi Wan: Screw you.
INT: Very CGI quarters of Amidala
Jar Jar: Blah blah blah
Audience: NOOOOOOO
Amidala: I love you Ani.
Ani: I love you Padme.
Obi Wan pukes
Ani: I love you Padme
Obi Wan: Obey me!
Ani: If you looked like Padme, I just might.
Obi Wan slaps Ani
Ani hides in shadows
Amidala: I'm not gonna watch this
Jar Jar: I'm gonna do somethingsa stupidsa.
Ani: Shut up Jar Jar.
EXT: Obviously Evil meeting place in the outside of the Obviously CGI
Planet Corescant
Obviously Evil Bounty Hunter: Kill Amidala.
INT: Very CGI quarters of Amidala
Ani: I have good Jedi senses.
Obi Wan: No you don't. Stop trying to kill your love.
Ani: No.
Obi Wan: Can I analyze your dreams?
Ani: Ok.
Obi Wan: Your dreams will pass.
Audience: Oh that was really insightful.NOT!
Ani: Amidala makes me feel high.
Jar Jar: (music) 'cause I got high, because I got hiiigh!
INT: Amidala's Bedroom
R2D2: Beep Beep
Evil bugs who are too smart snek towards Amidala
INT: Very CGI apartment of Amidala
Ani: Palpatine rocks.
Obi Wan: He is obviously evil. I sense something.
Ani: your high too!
INT: Amidala's Bedroom
Amidala: Because I got high, because I got hiiigh.
Obi Wan follows the Obviously Evil Bounty Hunter, being pursued by Ani.
Many good CGI flying scenes
Ani rescues Obi Wan EXT: Spaceship flying though the very busy, Obviously CGI Planet Corescant
Obi Wan: You almost killed me! You are too cocky.
Ani: Amidala intoxicates me.
Ani does things one should never do in a convertible
Ani does something stupid which, nevertheless, turns out ot be just the
right thing to do.
Ani: I'm gonna commit suicide.
Obi Wan: Why am I always stuck with stupid people? Ani holds on to Obviously CGI ship and cuts with Obviously CGI light saber.
Bounty Hunter: My face is chchchchanging.
Ship blows up
Bounty Hunter escapes and runs like hell
INT: Obviously Evil CGI Night Club on Planet Corescant
Obi Wan: Ani, wait, lets go slow because it will so not keep running.
Ani: Fat chance.
Audience: Ew. women in thongs
Ani: It's a changer.
Audience: What's a changer?
Music in the background: 'cause I got high, because I got hiiigh.
Person 1: Buy Death sticks!
Obi Wan: Rethink your life (Jedi mind tricks rock!)
Person 1: Ok
Obi Wan catches Bounty Hunter
EXT: Behind club
Bounty Hunter: I will tell you nothing!
Ani: I am obviously evil.
INT: Jedi Counsel
Yoda: I'm gonna make Ani have an assignment with the person he wants
to.rape.
Ani: YAY!
INT: Obviously evil home of Obviously evil Palpetine
Ani: I trust you implicitly.
Palpatine: I love you Ani.
INT: Jedi Counsel
Obi Wan: Don't give Ani an assignment
Yoda: Its ok (mind trick does not work).
Obi Wan: Bad idea.
INT: Amidala's Very CGI home
Amidala: Jar Jar, you are in charge.
Jar Jar: Okie day.
Audience: Bad idea but at least we don't have to deal with him
Jar Jar: Blah Blah Blah
Amidala: I love you Ani Ani: I love you Padme. I am gonna have a brief, profound moment and then
shrinking to the Obviously evil seven year old on Tatooine.
Amidala: I'm afraid, I'm very afraid. Most say something profound.
Ani I am so not sorry.
EXT: Landing Craft for Naboo
Obi Wan: Ani, be good
Padme: I cant look cheap, no matter what I do!
Ani: Lets go frolic in the hay.
R2D2: I feel ignored. Obi Wan and Guard: Were afraid. Why did we send these two off alone again?
INT: Obviously evil diner
Obi Wan: What is this (holds up dart).
Obviously evil friend of Obi Wan: you wont understand.
Audience: No kidding. Because I got high, because I got hiiigh.
Obviously Evil Friend of Obi Wan: You must gamble
Obi Wan: Flash back to Qui Gon.
INT: Jedi Library
Obi Wan: Why are the archives incomplete?
Librarian: Thou shalt not insult the holy archives.
George: that is the 10th commandment, for those of you who care.
Audience: Alright oh mighty Zeus!
INT: Random Café on the way to Naboo
R2D2: Why am I now the personal slave?
Ani: I love you Padme.
Amidala: I love you Ani.
Ani: love rocks!
INT: Jedi Classroom
Yoda: A visitor we have. Time to make fun of Obi Wan it is.
Audience: Oh Ewan! Just marry me! Please!
Yoda: Randomly search where the planet should be.
Obi Wan: Ok. First let me get high.
EXT: Naboo Palace
Ani: you were a good queen. I love you Padme.
Amidala: I am a good senator. I love you Ani.
INT: Palace of Naboo
Queen: Negotiations! Peace!
Audience: flashback. NOOOOOOOOOOO
Ani: you are taking away my job!
Amidala: I am starting to understand Obi Wan.
Audience: 1st sign of division between high lovahs.
EXT: Random Space Crappy starship blasts off with Obi Wan inside it and lands. Remember this
landing platform
Obviously Evil Alien: Hello, Obi Wan. We have been expecting you!
Obi Wan: Damn what the hell am I on?
La Matsu: I look vaguely like Elrond.
Obi Wan: Erm. Uh huh. I'll pretend I know what you're talking about.
La Matsu: This army is for the republic. I must foreshadow.
Obi Wan: Sure. So what did you say I was on again?
EXT: Excessively Pretty CGI Naboo Palace
Padme: I am madly in love with you, Ani! So look at my slutty dress! Ani: I don't like sand. I'm making a fool of myself. I love you Padme! Kiss
me now! Padme: just a sec, wait for this hallucinogen to wear off. did you say you
don't like sand?
10 min later
Ani: Ok, shall we kiss yet?
Padme: er, not until the audience is asleep.
Audience: *zzzzzzzzz snick snick. Have they kissed yet? Damn.
Ani: ok, I have waited 10 years to do this.
Audience: FINALLY!!! Padme: Whoops, I wasn't supposed to do that, huh? Ok, no more kisses for at
least two scenes.
INT: Random Space Port on Random Planet
Obi Wan: Damn, that's a lot of clones.
La Matsu: yeah, they're smart too.
Obi Wan: Really? La Matsu: Yeah, and they're genetically altered! Oh, let me mention bounty
hunters.
Obi Wan: That's what I'm here for, huh.
Obviously Evil Alien: Wanna sleep with me?
Obi Wan: Ok.
Female Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Obi Wan: ok
Camera pan across army of CGI clones, that look like storm troopers
Audience: GASP! STORM TROOPERS
EXT: Excessively Pretty CGI Planet of Naboo
Ani: So, who did you love before me?
Padme: well he was insanely handsome.
Ani: ok, that's enough. I'm jealous.
Audience: what's with those.NOOOOOOOOOOO LEIA!
Ani: Lets put some semblance of intelligence in this movie: politics!
Padme: but you'll make fun of me.
Ani: All right, enough politics. Lets romp!
Audience: Oh no. Bad thoughts. No get out! Get out! Suggestive pictures on screen, prompting all audience members over age 13
to think of porn
EXT: Random Planet
Dragon rider of? Approaches CGI Clone building
INT: Jengo Fett's Obviously Evil CGI Apartments in the CGI Clone Building
Obviously Evil Alien: Foreshadowing is your friend. Hello future bounty
hunter Boba Fett.
Jengo: Time to set up some tension between Obi Wan, making the less dim members of the audience and myself realizes Obi Wan is tracking ME! Do you
like me? Obi Wan: of course! I look forward to seeing massive reproductions of you
in action!
Female Audience: We look forward to seeing YOU in action! Hehe
Jengo: Ok, time to go.
INT: Obviously CGI Dining Room in the Palace of Naboo Ani: Time to crack bad jokes that are actually vaguely funny. Let me cut
your obviously evil CGI pear for you!
INT: Obviously CGI Living Room in the Palace of Naboo
Padme: Look; I'm falling out of my dress! Ani: *drool. Let me profess my love to thee. But I hurt. Because I'm close to you. If you kiss me again, it will make it all better.damit why don't
you suffer? Speak!
Audience: what the.
Padme: i.
Ani: no not like that
Extended make out scene
EXT: Random CGI Landing Craft on the Random Planet
Obviously Evil Alien: I will miss you, my love. Obi Wan: why did I do that? To Yoda: Um.there was an.er.bounty hunter. and
. uh.some clones.that's it! Yoda: lying you are. Find the bounty hunter or else I will tell the whole
Jedi Counsel about what really happened.
EXT: Palace of Naboo
Ani: I am having a wet dream.
Audience: wow nice position!
Ani: my mommy haunts me.
Audience: uh huh.
Ani: let me help her
Padme: I love you, take me with you.
EXT: Random CGI Landing Craft on the Random Planet
Obi Wan has a cool CGI sword fight with Jengo Fett.
As Obi Wan falls off the space ship:
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I do not know why she swallowed a fly
Because I got high, because I got high.
Obi throws tracking device on ship
EXT: Obviously Evil CGI Market Place on the Planet Tatooine
Ani: chut chut watto
Audience: huh? Ew flies
Watto: Ani? I hate you leave me alone. I sold your mom, just leave me
alone!
Ani: fine! Let me just use my intimidation to get my way.
Watto: fine I will help you.
EXT: Random Planet with Lots of Comets
Audience: ooh Saturn
Boba Fett: shake him off dad
Jengo Fett: yeah we are gonna kill him.
Boba: yippee!
Audience: wow you are really screwed up!
Obviously evil CGI bombs and effects fly out at Obi Wan
Obi Wan: Aw damit!
Audience: those are the coolest bombs ever.
Ships fly though Obviously Evil CGI meteors
Boba: we killed him.
Audience: George, please kill off this sick kid.
George: hey! He is based on me as a child.
Audience: that explains a lot!
Obi Wan hides and saves himself from further CGI dangers
INT: Shimi's House
R2D2: I feel neglected.again.
C3PO: your mother is dead.
Ani: waaaaaaaaaaa
Lars: my girlfriend lives with me. Can you guess what we do?
Padme: probably what WE do.
Obviously evil Step Dad: I'm racist and hopeless.
Ani: I don't like you. I can find her, you are dumb and I am bitter.
Padme: I will miss you. Ominous music and shadows of Darth Vader flash across the screen. Obviously Evil Ani sets off on an obviously evil speeder a la Darth Maul in search of
Obviously Evil captors of Shimi.
Audience: she has a home?
EXT: Obviously Evil Saturn-like Planet
Obi Wan sees lots of heavy machinery
Viceroy: I want Amidala's head on a silver platter.
Lee: you sicko! All right though.
All: we will sign your treaty.
Lee: The Jedi have no chance.
EXT: Obviously Evil Camp of the Captors of Shimi Ani: could they be keeping my mother there? Yes I think I will jump down 3
stories and investigate the paper mache tents.
Obviously evil dog thing coughs up a bone
Ani: look at me dart between the tents. I am so stealthy.
Audience: sure.
Shimi: I love you Ani!
Ani: I love you mommy!
Audience: does everyone in the movie have a mad crush on him?
Ani: yes.
Shimi dies
Ani: she died? I must kill them all! Audience: why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people
is wrong?
All Jedi: disturbance.in.. force
Vader music plays
EXT: Obviously Evil Saturn-like Planet
Obviously Evil grasshopper pops up
Obi Wan: stay where you are, take care of Padme.
EXT: Tatooine
Ani arrives at his stepfather's house carrying the body of Shimi.
Audience: now where did he get the body bag?
Obviously Evil Step Dad: I feel stupid.
INT: Mechanic Basement in Obviously Stupid Evil Step Dad's House
Ani: I am an obviously evil mechanic!
Audience: Ooooh look at the pretty flashing patterns in the background.
Ooooh foreshadowing!
Ani: I hate Obi Wan.
Padme: I'm afraid.
Ani: I killed them all!
Padme: Homicide, life on the street!
EXT: Shimi's Funeral
Ani: I am all-powerful!
Audience: just throw the damn dirt already. Padme: it is hot and I am wearing a scarf. Does that make any sense to you?
Me neither. Good we are all on the same page.
C3PO: Ani, I'm gonna use irony with Obi Wan's name.
Ani: fine fine ya big pain!
Yoda: There is more happening on Geonosis. Audience: no duh! And that one button transmits a message to Courescant and
brings up a map. Hmmm. Who would guess?
Padme: my hair looks like the Bohr model of the atom!
Padme (con't): We have to save Obi Wan.
Ani: but.
Padme: come on, handsome. You're coming with me.
INT: A Building in Courescant
The obviously evil leaders of some random planet counsel
Palpatine: I have the blue alien under my control! Give me power!
Suggestive pan to Jar Jar. Could he actually be. useful? Nah
INT: Cage on Obviously Evil Saturn-like Planet
Obi Wan: Traitor. Lee: Actually, my name is Saruman! By the way, this is a mistake. I'll set
you free.
Obi Wan: Sure. Lee: on my terms. By the way, let me bring up painful memories of Qui Gon.
Obi Wan: Gandalf- I mean Qui Gon would never join you!
Lee: sure. He was only my APRENTICE! Darth Sauron is controlling the
republic!
Audience: Wow, Obi Wan has really cool boots. Why is this movie so like
Lord of the Rings? Lee: You must join me, Gandalf, and together we will share the power of the
One Ring! Hold on, that's the wrong movie. Obi Wan: I will never join you, Dooku-man! I mean. Saruku! Well. who ever
you are.
INT: Senate
Jar Jar: give Palpatine control of whole universe!
Audience: we hate you, jar jar.
George: But. he's saying something useful!
Audience: so what?
ET Aliens: ET phone home!
Palpatine: I'm gonna make an army.
Jedi: we will go to Geonosis.
EXT: Geonosis Padme: I'm better than you so listen to me! Hey look, the walls are waking up and they can see through my shirt. Ahhhh. Yes today was a bad day for
this outfit. Especially with all these Obviously Evil CGI machines.
Ani: Waving lightsabor needlessly and fighting the Obviously Evil CGI
machinery. Guess who won?
Padme: I'm gonna die.
C3PO: look, now I'm comic relief.
Ani: I'm gonna die.
The molten iron moves ever nearer and yet ever farther away from Padme
until she is freed from the giant CGI cup
Ani: Damn, my light saber got broken in half. again.
INT: CGI Hut Before CGI Ring Of Death
Padme: I love you Ani
Ani: I love you Padme
Audience pukes. A lot
EXT: CGI Ring Of Death
Ani: we came to rescue you!
Obi Wan: Bloody helpful of you. Not really
Obviously Evil Random Alien: fjouelrueoiu
Audience: ahhhhh!
Obviously evil CGI rats, bulls and crabs come out
Padme climbs up tower
Obi wan lets crab release him and dances around
Ani jumps on bull's back Padme's shirt becomes even more see-through due to parts of it being torn
away. Ani drools
Crab, possibly even more annoying than Jar Jar, tries to kill Obi Wan
Padme kicks cat in the stomach and cat (a big wuss) crumbles and cries
before striking a new offensive
Ani tames the bull
Padme jumps and lands on the "magic triangle"
Male Audience: ow!
Obi Wan: gotcha! Or not.
Windu: this party is over! Jedi come out from random places and unnecessarily wave lightsabors over
their heads. Jedi army charges Obviously Evil CGI Droids. Obviously evil battle ensues.
One must wonder how the Jedi don't get hit in the back.
C3PO: I really AM comic relief huh? Jengo: I'm gonna kill people, then swing my gun around like a really cool
dude.
Obi Wan kills crab.
Audience: Yay! Next up: Jar Jar.
Windu kills Jengo.
Audience: Yay!
Boba: my daddy's dead. Waaaaaaaa
Audience: haha serves you right
C3PO: Die, Jedi dogs!
Jedi are hopelessly outnumbered. They die in droves.
Clones and Yoda come. to save the day!
Obviously Evil Alien gives plans to Dooku for Obviously Evil, Obviously
Predictable Death Star.
Something blows up
Audience: We like!
Obviously evil Dooku rides obviously evil scooter a la Darth Maul
Audience: How many times is it necessary that we see that?
Really cool CGI dust scene with neon lights.
Padme falls on only non-rocky piece of ground.
Ani: Padme! Don't leave me!
Obi Wan: Now, now, Ani, remember you're not supposed to love her!
Ani: ok.fine!
INT: Obviously Evil Docking Port
Ani: Ok, I'll kill Dooku. now!
Ani is quickly disposed of, due to arrogance.
Obi Wan: Stupid kid. Somewhere else, Padme lays injured on ground but seemes fine when she gets
up
Padme: We have to help Ani!
Dooku hurts Obi Wan
Female Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Ani randomly flies to save Obi Wan but doesn't do too good of a job, even
with two light sabers. Very cool scene in the dark with light sabers
ensues.
Ani: look, my arm got cut off, so I stuffed it in my shirt! Yoda approaches. Major test of will occurs, in which *gasp Yoda prevails!
Yoda takes out light saber
Audience: They come in pints? We love you, Yoda!
Count Dooku runs. Audience: wow, Ani and Obi Wan are really resilient. They must be on. well
something.
Lee/ Dooku: Here, o Palpatine. Have plans for the death star.
Ominous music plays, pan over clones. The clone war has begun.
Anti-climatically, Ani and Padme get married
Ani: I love you Padme
Padme: I love you Ani
Audience: finally!
George Lucas is named excessively
Audience: We hate you, George. We love you George.
George: Oh yeah? Well @&$^
Film cuts
Obi Wan's Disembodied Voice:
There once was a lady who swallowed a fly
I do not know why she swallowed a fly
Perhaps she'll die
Because I got high, because I got hiiigh.