I Can Do Anything Better Than You

Disclaimer: We do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of its characters. We also don't own Fushigi Yugi, Law & Order, C.S.I., the Monkees, the Blue Jackets, the Mummy movies, Mulan (or any of its characters), Rurouni Kenshin, Jeopardy, Hockey Chronicles, Major Payne, Mountain Dew, or anything else in here. We own only the teleportation device and the weird weapons we use and are going to take over the world with. But you didn't hear that from us.

Description & Rating:

Blackmailed by the Toguros into entering the Dark Tournament, the three authors, Hiei, and Kurama must (literally) fight to stay alive and get home. They encounter every team from the real episodes, including the Virtual Team Urameshi in a final showdown.

Rated PG-13 for minor language and violence, including murder, thievery, gambling, and plotting the overthrow of the Palestinian government. (Just kidding.) Admittedly, there is a lot of Mary Sue in here, but it's funny, not serious. There's nothing about "in bed activities", we are trying to keep a good rating here. It's mostly just silly stuff… oh just read the fic and decide for yourself. Even though nothing will be changed.

And by the way, this is the sequel to Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better, so if you haven't read that yet… WHY THE HELL ARE YOU READING THIS?!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously, you won't understand a thing unless you read that before reading this, so go read it. Right now. If you already have read it, then congratulations. You actually follow directions.

Credits: Written by Himizu

With lots of suggestions and some finishing touches from Ryouko

And some suggestions and criticisms from Kitsune

Chapter 1: Dark Tournament Beware

"Remind me again why the hell we signed up for this adventure?" muttered Himizu furiously as she tramped through a dark woodland alongside Ryouko, Kitsune, Kurama, Hiei, and Hiei's black dragon. She was in a very bad mood, to put it mildly.

"Because if we hadn't, Younger Toguro would have snapped our necks with a pinch of his fingers. Boy, he was mad, wasn't he?" said Kitsune, shuddering slightly.

"And Kurama can't get us out of here, seeing as he doesn't have the equipment," continued Ryouko.

"And our only hope of getting back to our own world is to win the Dark Tournament," Kurama finished patiently. Hiei scowled angrily. Now he was trapped in an alliance with Himizu. What could be worse?

"Great, so we're walking through a freaking forest that's darker then a freaking cave at midnight with bags of freaking stolen clothes…" Himizu paused to glare at Kurama, who looked away. "And we have to go freaking fight a whole bunch more freaking demons and I'm trapped in a freaking alliance with a freaking sadistic fire demon and we're probably all going to get freaking killed anyways, so can it get any freaking worse then this?"

"It could be raining!" said Kitsune brightly. Thunder boomed, lightning flashed, and rain poured down on them in torrents. Himizu peered through the watery curtain that streamed in front of her, smearing her glasses and blinding her. She turned in the general direction of Kitsune.

"I hate you. Keep your mouth shut, will you? Please?" Then Himizu walked into a tree. "Ow! Damn this rain," she muttered furiously, removing her glasses. This was no improvement. With wet glasses, she could see lots of blurs. Without the glasses, she could see vague outlines. Sticking her glasses in her pocket and shuffling her feet, she struggled to stay on the path. Ryouko grabbed her arm and gave her a tug.

"This way Himizu. We'll be on the boat soon."

"A boat. Whoopee! More water. Blah." Himizu made a face. As they walked, Ryouko tripped over a tree root and something wound itself around her leg. Kitsune began to panic, convinced it was a snake.

"Goodness! Golly! Good God! Blessed Allah! Zeus and Hera! Mary and Joseph! Nathaniel Hawthorne! Don't touch her! Grab her! Move closer! Run away! Don't move! Kill the snake! Leave it alone! Give it some food! Don't let it bite her! Lure the snake away! Here snakey! Here snakey snakey!" Then she saw blood on Ryouko's leg. "It's bitten her! It bit her! It bited her! Calm down! Get moving! Call an ambulance! Call the police! Call a scientist! Call Kurama!"

"What did I do?" asked Kurama. Kitsune continued to panic.

"This is terrible! This is awful! This is phantasmagorical! This is--"

"This is nothing to worry about," said Hiei, helping Ryouko to her feet. Then he picked up the thing that had wound itself around Ryouko's leg. "Last time I checked, tree root bites weren't poisonous." Kitsune blushed crimson. It was indeed a slender tree root with a sharp point, which had made a small scratch in Ryouko's leg. Himizu peered up at the overcast sky.

"Well, it seems like half the freaking fun is getting to the freaking boat. Grrrrr, I hate the Toguros. They deserve a fate worse then death," Himizu muttered.

"Agreed," said Ryouko, "but quit your whining already. We're all in this mess just like you. And if I hear you say 'freaking' one more freaking time I'll personally throw you to the sharks. Capeesh?" Amazingly, Himizu stopped talking after that, withdrawing into her own world to contemplate.

"So, do you think we'll see Virtual Kurama, Hiei, Yusuke, Kuwabara, and all those guys at the tournament?" asked Kitsune.

"It's almost certain," Kurama replied. "Yusuke would never pass up a chance to fight a whole bunch of demons. Now that he knows there's a tournament, he'll probably come even though he and his friends weren't threatened since you girls were the ones that beat the Toguro brothers up."

"Yeah, and that was fun. I can't wait to do it again," said Ryouko, rubbing her fists and cracking her knuckles in anticipation. Kitsune sighed.

"Why can't we all just get along?" she wondered aloud.

"It's in our blood. We have to squabble, to fight, to maim and kill. To take out guns and knives and swords and bombs and grenades and blow people apart. To make blood splatter and make the innards of humans and demons alike fly through the air. To hear the tortured screams as they watch their body deteriorate before their very eyes," Himizu muttered. Everyone stared at her, but she seemed almost to be sleepwalking. She walked into another tree and stood staring blankly at the bark an inch from her nose. Ryouko sighed in despair.

"Well, at least she didn't say 'freaking'…Have you ever seen anything more pathetic in your life?" she wondered.

Hiei frowned. "Her descriptions are very… vivid. She seems fascinated by the subject."

Kurama shook his head. "She's crazy."

"And darn it, the House of the Nutcases is back in our world," sighed Ryouko. "And by the way, you forgot 'to lynch', but hey, that's just me." Himizu looked at her, then continued to stare at the tree. Ryouko grabbed her and pulled her back onto the path. "I really hate it when she spaces out like this."

Somehow, the group made it to the boat and they all climbed aboard. Giant and repulsive figures leered at them from all directions. The words "humans", "ningens", "females", and "demon traitors" floated around them. Ryouko rolled her eyes.

"You'd think they'd have something better to do with their lives. Like writing their wills because I am going to kill them all." Hiei nodded his approval at Ryouko's statement.

"Is that wise?" asked Kitsune. "Shouldn't we have Kurama, Hiei, or the dragon do it instead?"

"Technically, Double-D isn't even on our team… but when has that ever stopped me?" asked Ryouko, smiling brightly.

"Do you want to be disqualified before we even get to the island?" demanded Himizu, snapping out of her reverie and searching for a towel for her glasses. Finally she found something, dried her lenses, and replaced her glasses on the bridge of her nose. "Holy son of a…" she gasped, looking at the demons. She turned around and leaned over the boats edge. "And I thought roller coasters were good at making my stomach turn."

"But, don't you agree that Double-D is really Hiei's and my weapon? If Hiei or I command him to kill the demons, then it's perfectly legal. Besides, we're in the land of demons and since when do they play by the rules?" asked Ryouko.

"True that, true that!" exclaimed Kitsune. At that moment, a portly demon, captain of the ship, called for a representative from each team to the upper deck.

"You can kill some if you want to," Ryouko told Hiei as he stalked off, followed closely by his dragon. Hiei grunted.

"Hn."

"What did he say?" asked Ryouko.

Kurama stared in shock at Hiei. "I don't believe it. He said 'thank you'." Ryouko grinned.

Himizu and Kitsune stared at each other. "Hiei said 'thank you'?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Gasp in horror!"

Ryouko stared. "What's so wrong about saying thank you?"

"Nothing," said Himizu. "It's just… I didn't even know that was in Hiei's vocabulary."

"Since when do you know anything?" questioned Ryouko, who quickly ducked as Himizu tried to punch her. Then they both simultaneously drew swords and began to fence. They seemed honestly intent on killing each other, but the other always ducked at the last second and any demons unfortunate enough to be in the path of the sword was killed or wounded. The girls bounded around proceeding to destroy the ship and all occupants. Himizu's sword even found the ship's captain. Hiei looked furious.

"HEY!!!!!! SAVE SOME FOR ME!!!!!!" he yelled, but the girls ignored him and continued to kill demons. Hiei finally drew his own sword and killed every demon within range. Meanwhile, the girls went along killing demons and creating gaping holes in the walls. Kitsune and Kurama looked around with big sweatdrops on their faces. Then the girls' battle took them into the engine room. Kitsune whimpered as she looked at all the dead demons on the boat floor. The ones that had escaped the wrath of the girls and Hiei had jumped into the sea and fled. Suddenly, there was an ominous clanking sound and the two girls came running out of the engine room.

"I think it's gonna blow!" Ryouko hollered. No sooner had she said this, then there was a loud BOOM! Flames and smoke poured out and the girls, Hiei, Kurama, and the dragon were all hurled into the air. They flew for several miles. The whole time, Kitsune was panicking.

"I'M NOT A BIRD, I'M NOT A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed hysterically. Then they all landed with loud thumps on the island. Ryouko and Himizu looked at each other.

"The things we do for frequent flyer mileage!" they said together, dissolving into hysterical laughter. Kitsune looked at them.

"WHAT?!?!?!?"

"Oh, didn't we tell you?" asked Himizu.

"Tell me what?" Kitsune demanded.

"That we were going to stage a fight, kill all the demons, and blow up the ship," Ryouko answered, as she and Himizu laughed their heads off.

"You almost got us all killed just so you two could show off!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" yelled Kitsune, sounding furious.

"Well, if you put it that way… YES!" exclaimed Himizu.

"But that wasn't showing off…no one is alive to vouch for it…except you guys, but since when do we try to show off in front of you?" added Ryouko.

"And how did you get the swords?" asked Kitsune. "Did Ryouko bring them?"

"No, actually, I didn't," Ryouko replied. "But we did learn some tricks from Kurama. We stole the swords back in a city while Kurama was stealing clothes for all of us."

Kitsune sighed. "My best friends are criminals. They're thieves."

"You don't know the half of it lady," said Himizu with an evil grin.

Kitsune looked at her. "………."

"Put it this way, we almost got caught by a storekeeper. But the only ones who are going to hear her story are her feet and the fishes," said Ryouko proudly.

"YOU CUT OFF SOMEONE'S HEAD AND THREW THEM IN A LAKE!?!?!?!?!?!" cried Kitsune.

"Actually it was a river…" muttered Himizu. Kitsune sighed.

"What am I going to do with you two???"

"Win the tournament, kick the Toguro's butts, and go home," Himizu answered. "Now, let's find our hotel. I'm bushed."

"So stay here and try to blend with the other bushes," Ryouko said and quickly ran out of Himizu's reach.

Kitsune sighed in despair. "It's going to be a long tournament."

"If you want I can knock you out for all the fights and then this tournament will pass by like a dream." Ryouko smiled as Kitsune glared at her. "Alrighty, guess not. Last one to the hotel is a four-eyed, sadistic dictionary/raccoon, aka Himizu," yelled Ryouko as Himizu got up and began chasing her.

"I think some of the gases from the explosion entered her system. I think it'll be safer to play along," said Kurama as he and Hiei raced up the hill after the two girls, not before he grabbed Kitsune and decided that it'll be quicker to give her a piggy-back ride to the hotel the to stay behind and wait for her to catch up. Indeed, it was going to be a long tournament.