Warning: Mild Tangent spoilers ahead!
Alright, I feel this fic deserves some explanation. I saw Tangent the other day, and I just loved the scene where Daniel pretends to be the Wizard of Oz. It is Jack's favorite movie, so I felt there ought to be comical repercussions for Daniel stealing the title.
Many apologies for the randomness of this fic, it threw itself at me and demanded to be written down and shared...
Disclamer: Stargate is not mine. If it were, SG-1 would be a 5 person team.
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"If anyone gets to be Oz, it's me."
"Jack, you don't even speak Goa'uld."
Jack frowned, his gaze moving from Daniel, to the impressive looking mothership outside the window, and back to Daniel. The disgruntled archeologist frowned right back.
"Yeah," Jack said challengingly, "well you got to be Oz last time." He settled back as though confident in the unbeatable superiority of his argument.
"I had exactly three seconds to come up with a plan! I used the first thing that popped into my head." Daniel paused, realizing. "Besides, you weren't even there!"
"Doesn't matter," Jack waved a hand dismissively. "It's the principle of the thing."
"We were saving your life. Cut me a little slack."
"Sorry Daniel, but you know it's for your own good. You've had a taste of power and now you just can't give it up." Jack bulled through the argument with his usual penchant for random creativity.
"Jack…"
"Today Oz, tomorrow the world, and the day after that the Galaxy!"
"Jack…"
"Those poor little munchkins will never see it coming."
"Jack!"
"See what I mean? Intoxication of power is a terrible, desperate thing Danny-boy. In a few years from now, you'll look back and say-"
"Damnit Jack! That ship out there is ten seconds from blowing us into dust. Now shut the hell up and let me talk to them!"
Jack pulled away, sulking. "It's not like you have to be Oz. There's plenty of perfectly acceptable characters other than Oz." He brightened. "Like the scarecrow. You can be the scarecrow!"
Teal'c arched an eyebrow, glancing away from the window for the first time. "Is not the scarecrow the one devoid of a brain?"
Jack shrugged, and Daniel glared at him.
"Lord Scarecrow doesn't exactly have the ring I need, Jack."
"Well you can't be the Wizard of Oz. That's me. Besides, do Goa'uld even have wizards?"
"They've got gods, sir, you never know." Sam stuck her head out of the ship's control panel. She reached for one of the crystals lying dormant and dull beside her.
"Almost there?" Asked Daniel tersely, his gaze flicking to the still hovering Goa'uld mothership. They hadn't made a move yet, but it was only a matter of time.
"Not quite. We're not going to get very far jumping into hyperspace like this. Try to keep them talking if they contact you."
"Well, I would. If Jack would let me."
"Carter, in your personal opinion regarding a mutual friend of ours, what would be your advice – Ow!" Jack glared at Daniel, rubbing his arm pitifully. "Now what was that for? Friend indeed!"
"Shut up!"
Jack opened his mouth to respond, but a stream of harsh noises emanated from the communications device on the control panel. Daniel darted to it, biting his lip in concentration.
"Mel nok! Lok sur…" Daniel tossed an irritable glance at Jack. "Lok sur Oz," he stated imperiously.
"Nok se Oz? Kree! Lon te nak!"
Daniel hesitated for a fraction of a second. "Mek en das!" He stated.
"Lon te nak!"
"What's he saying?" Trust Jack to be annoying at all the wrong times.
"Go bother Teal'c if you can't make yourself useful!"
Jack pulled back, glaring at the other ship through the window. "My, aren't we touchy. A little bit power-drunk, perhaps?"
"God damn it Jack!" Was there a right time to be annoying?
"Got it!" Sam crowed. She shoved the panel back over the lit crystals.
"Let's get this show on the road!" Jack bounded forward as Teal'c hit the hyperdrive. All four were thrown backwards as the ship leapt up to speed in a fraction of a second.
Jack was the first to recover, inventorying his teammates for any possible injuries. Satisfied, he turned a concerned frown onto Daniel, being helped to his feet by Sam.
"I just want you to know, Daniel, we're doing this for your own good."
The two turned confused faces toward their leader.
"Huh? Doing what?" Daniel absently scratched a cut on his cheek, smiling at Sam who was looking at Jack as though wondering if she should be worried.
Jack gave a patient sigh. "Recent events have made me realize that there is nothing we can say. As a last resort, we're staging a formal intervention."
"Who's we, sir?" Sam asked dryly, at the same time as Daniel spoke.
"Intervention? What intervention?"
"We as in all of us, Carter. We've got to show a united front."
Daniel's frown flitted between the two before recognition dawned on his face.
"Oh you have got to be kidding me."
Jack nodded soberly, throwing an arm around his friend's shoulders. "It's okay, Danny-boy. It'll be hard, but I promise we're here for you."
"Oh, fercryinoutloud," Daniel muttered, glaring at the colonel. "I promise you I am not turning into a power-crazed megalomaniac!"
"Well, of course you'd say that…"
Sam grinned at Teal'c. "And they say saving the world is a serious business."
"Things are as serious as you make them, Carter. And I'm afraid that this situation is very serious. No matter how impossible, annoying, or difficult your friends may be, they are still your friends and you still have to take care of them."
Jack missed the look that passed between the other three.
A sparkle lit in Sam's eyes that had Daniel groaning mentally even before she spoke.
"So, sir, about this intervention… Maybe if we had some help…"
A brilliant grin lit up Jack's weathered face. "That's the spirit, major. I think the general would agree that it would be a terrible shame to lose Daniel…"
"…Again…"
"…to something so easily cured…"
Daniel groaned audibly, dropping his head onto Jack's shoulder. "Someone kill me now," he moaned, his voice muffled.
Jack tutted disapprovingly. "Ah-ah, careful what you wish for." He waved a finger at the back of the archeologist's head. "Chin up, Danny-boy. Look on the bright side, maybe they'll send us on a team-building retreat like Hastings' team. You know, to repair our shattered trust."
Daniel shrugged Jack's arm off, turning to stare longingly back the way they'd come. "You don't suppose that Goa'uld is still there?" He asked hopefully. "The least I can do is offer Jack a real reason to call me an egomaniac, megalomaniac power-crazy narcissist."
"He-ey Daniel! Hold your horses-"
"Do they have horses in Oz?"
"Do they have horses in Oz? What kind of question is that?"
Daniel shrugged, taking a careful, quiet step backwards. "Just wondering."
"Of course they have horses in Oz! Don't tell me you don't remember the one in the Emerald city that pulls the carriage – the flashing rainbow one?"
"Oh, yeah. The flashing rainbow horses. How could I possibly forget?"
Jack shot Daniel the sort of glare that intimidated generals and Jaffa alike. "Don't you dare turn the conversation back to me."
"I wouldn't dream of it," Daniel assured the colonel. He glanced out the window. "Oh, what d'you know? There's Vorash already!"
Sam turned from the two men, smothering the fit of laughter that flared up at the light in her friends' eyes.
Teal'c observed her calmly. "I do not believe Dorothy suits you, Samantha," he told her gravely, considering the cast list of Jack's favorite movie. Sam opened her mough to reply when a yelp sounded from behind her.
"Sam!" It was Daniel's voice.
Sam almost turned, but the subsequent heavy thud and accompanying tinkling noise made her think better of it. Teal'c glanced over her shoulder, and Sam groaned inwardly at the look that flashed over his stern countenance.
"Hey, Glinda?" Jack's voice was infused with levity and practiced repentance. "We could really use you over here…"
"We? Who's 'we?'" Daniel's voice was as dry as Sam's had been, speaking the words minutes before.
"Shut up, scarecrow."
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah, you heard me. I'm the Wizard, remember? And if you're a good little archeologist, maybe I'll let you have a brain."
"You'll give me a brain?"
"Is it possible for either of you to remember you're fully grown human beings representing all of Earth out in the Universe?" Sam turned, noting the component they – who was she kidding, the colonel – had broken was nonessential and would neither impede their travel nor leave them defenseless in case of an attack.
"Go easy on the scarecrow, he doesn't have a brain, remember?"
"And I don't have a magic wand, so you're lucky that particular piece of equipment is something we can do without."
Jack sidled up to her with a cheeky grin. "Aw, Carter. You don't need no magic wand!"
Sam threw him a look and stepped away, surveying the damage. "You do know the Tok'ra were expecting this ship back in mint condition, right?"
"They'd've found something to complain about if it was only a smudge on their pretty little windshield. They'll get over it."
"Sir-" Sam threw up her hands in surrender, pointedly ignoring the colonel's smirk. She turned her attention from the two men to picking up the mess they'd left.
Daniel elbowed Jack, jerking him out of the self-satisfied haze. "You do know Glinda's the only one with any real power, right?" He asked, following Jack's gaze toward Sam.
Jack winked at Daniel, putting a conspiratory finger to his lips. "Maybe. But no one knows the Wizard's a fake until Dorothy jerks aside the curtain. I don't think Carter likes being called Dorothy, do you?"
With that, he swept forward to help Sam, leaving Daniel staring at them and shaking his head in bemusement.
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To everyone who made it to the end, I thank you for reading. I would thank you even more if you sent feedback! :D You know you want to... The power of Oz compells you... ;)