Disclaimer: Deadpool, and The X-Men are owned by Marvel Entertainment. All other series that appear/or mentioned are copyright their respective owners.
Chapter 1 - Down The Rabbit Hole
Orbital Space Station, Graymalkin
"Heeelllo? Cable, old-buddy-old-pal-of-a-time-romping-son-of-a-Cyclops~! You in there?! I can wait for you to finish...really...anytime is good~!" Wade Wilson aka. the assassin known as Deadpool waits outside of the men's washroom on-board the time traveling mutant known as Cable's space station called Graymalkin. Wade is tapping his left foot, and rolls down the sleeve on the right arm of his costume to check the time on a watch that he doesn't have on his wrist.
Wade looks over at the reader's and waves casually, and then returns his attention back to the door to the men's room. "Come onnnn! The reader's are giving me that look...you know the one right? The one where they're secretly undressing me with their eyes...oooh! I feel so naked under their watchful gaze!" Deadpool starts hugging himself with his arms wrapped around his upper chest. Deadpool glances back at the door, and begins pounding his fist on it in urgency. "You do know that there's only one bathroom on this tub, right?! Lemmie in! By the nose-hairs above my chine-chin-chin!" Deadpool is now kicking the bottom of the bathroom door, and holding his crotch area with one hand. "One-eye jack's gotta spray some porcelain, Nate! Don't deny my Willie!" Deadpool removes a hand grenade from the strap over his red costume, and pulls the pin. Wade tosses it at the base of the door, and runs behind some heavy equipment left in the lobby area. A minute later the grenade goes off, and the explosion rocks the space station. The wall to the bathroom is blown away, and there is water running along the floor with the toilet now in small pieces.
Deadpool walks back over to the now destroyed bathroom, and shakes his masked head. "It couldn't even withstand one little grenade blast...*tsk**tsk*...you're slipping, Cable! What if I ate a whole stack of burritos, and this pathetic excuse of a toilet couldn't handle all of my excretory movements!"
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Wade?!" The imposing form of the mutant telepath, Cable is standing behind Deadpool with his large arms crossed in front of his chest with a look of rage. Deadpool rubs the back of his masked head, and shrugs his shoulders. "I know this looks bad, but I really...reeeeaaalllly had to go to the little merc's room! I had nooo idea that it wasn't occupied! What?!" Cable gritted his teeth, and strode over to Wade and grabbed him by the front of his costume.
"Aaaah! Stranger danger! I need an adult...OW! Not the chest hairs!" Cable dragged a flailing Deadpool over to the command area of Graymalkin, and threw him not-so-gently into one of the chairs near some control consoles. "You're going to answer my questions, and the first one is how did you get on-board my station?!" Deadpool looks up at Cable, and takes a thinking pose for a moment. "I hitched a ride with Amelia Voght! You may be asking yourself: "But Wade...why would someone who hates your guts teleport you anywhere?" Simple really." Deadpool looks at the readers, and winks. "Convenient plot device to move the story along!"
Cable blinks, and then rubs his face with his left hand in frustration. "There's no one there, Wade. I see you're just as insane as ever." Deadpool is rocking back, and forth in the chair and giggling to a joke that he's telling himself in his head. "Oh! That's a good one! Cable, do you have anything to write on? Handkerchief? Cocktail napkin? I've got to jot down this joke before my brain tells me another one!" Cable is done with asking nicely, and takes his high powered plasma rifle from behind his back, and points it at Wade's head.
"You've seen what this weapon can do, and I know that you're gonna heal like you always do, but you'll remember the pain!" Cable takes the safety off of his weapon, and charges it up. "Now tell me why you're here." Wade is spinning himself around in the chair, and making engine sounds. He stops suddenly, and puts up his arms. "Whoa there, Nate-buddy! We're bosom pals, aren't we? Why, I remember that one time we were showering together, and there was none of your favorite soap to wash with...I generously lent you some of my Irish Spring, and we've been inseparable ever since!" Cable's weapon fires, and half of Wade's head is blown off with his gray matter splattering everywhere.
"*GhrHrreeGEggh* Nbrow thrratt waaaashhentt bverry nicice!" Wade said as his head, and face were growing back with his accelerated healing factor kicking in. His brain, and skull that were damaged are now back to normal, and his mouth and jawline are repaired as well. "Whhooo! That was some nasty piece of work! Good job, Natie! Time to get serious though..." Wade's one visible eye has a far off look, and he giggles slightly. "Yum, yum...gimme some! Oh, yeah...you like that don't you? Now, spank me and call me your Generalissimo!" Cable strikes Deadpool hard across the head with his plasma rifle, and this causes Deadpool to spin around in the chair.
"Focus, Wade! Tell me what I want to know, or say goodbye to your lower half!" Deadpool shakes his head in the negative, and stands up on the chair and flips over Cable's head. Deadpool starts running, and Cable fires multiple rounds from his plasma rifle at the dodging form of Deadpool. Deadpool takes out his own firearms, and shoots at Cable who blocks the shots with his techno-organic arm. "You're going to make this difficult, aren't you?" Cable leaps behind some equipment to gain some cover from Deadpool's uncanny aim.
"Difficult? Moi? Au contraire, mon frere! I just wanted to catch up with my old showering buddy, and trade stories of our many bedroom conquests! Speaking of which, how is my little Domino...she's a real minx isn't she? Rrrraaaooo! I simply adore her! She tries to kill me in the most inventive ways! *Bang!* *Bang!* *Bang!*" Deadpool shoots a main power battery on the equipment in front of Cable, that has him running from the explosion that followed.
"Damn it, Wade! What the hell do you want here on my station!" Cable's right eye is glowing with telekinetic energy, and lifts up the damaged equipment with his telekinesis and launches it at Deadpool. Deadpool narrowly misses being hit by the on fire equipment, and begins to counterattack with firing multiple rounds of ammo at Cable. "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me!" Wade stops in his tracks, and rubs his chin in thought. "No. Perhaps we need a trial separation...things are moving way too fast for us...my head is spinning! Maybe we should see other people, Nate." Deadpool is back on the move when more objects are telekinetically thrown at him by an irate Cable.
"Don't be angry, Sugar-drop! These kind of things do happen! I know! Maybe we can invite a third party into our little love-nest to spice things up in the bedroom! Like Amelia for instance...Mmmmm...oh yeah! That red hair, and those legs that go on for days!" Deadpool is running toward Cable while dodging plasma blasts, and draws out one of his katanas from a scabbard on his back. "Whoo! Whoo! All aboard the love train! Whadda you say? Friends with benefits? No? Oh, well! More Amelia for me!"
"Have I ever told you how much I hate you, Wade?!" Cable blocks a swing of Deadpool's katana with his techno-organic arm, and kicks Deadpool in the mid-section sending him skidding back a few feet. Deadpool takes out his other katana, and spins them around to deflect the plasma blasts fired by Cable. "Meanie! You get no scooby snacks! Now, where did I park the Mystery Machine again? You'd think something lime green with flowers painted on it would be easier to spot!"
Deadpool leaps high in the air, and somersaults over to a control console and begins searching for something. "You should be labeling your stuff...it makes it easier for a working class mercenary like myself to make a dishonest buck! Don't you worry your pretty little head, Snookums! Your best buddy will lend you his label maker, after his sells off your time traveling doohickey to the highest bidder!" Wade spots something on the console that is blinking, and smiles behind his mask. "Always follow the blinking light...annnnndddd, Yahtzee! There she is, captain!" Wade clicks the button above the blinking light, and a rectangular shaped disk is ejected. The disk has highly advanced circuitry from the 30th Century.
"Wilson! You don't know what you're doing! Place the time drive down, and back away...slowly." Cable orders Deadpool, and Wade looks over to see Cable now has two plasma rifles trained on him. Deadpool starts to raise his hands up, and taps his feet with impatience. "Does this mean I can't come over for a cup of sugar, or to watch Animal Planet on your 50 inch high definition plasma screen TV? You're a monster! That's it! It's over! I'm calling mother in the morning to tell her what a brute you are!" Cable's eyes are twitching, and his trigger fingers move ever closer to firing. "You've got 15 seconds to drop the time drive, and slide it over to me before I turn you into a bloody smear." Cable charges his plasma rifles to maximum, and waits for Deadpool's decision.
"Oh, would you look at the time? I've got a dental appointment at three, and my dentist gets really cranky when I'm late! I'm just standing here with imminent death in my sights waiting for my ride to come! Did you know that I've met Death, and she is one fine piece of ass! Don't let the bones fool you, she's got some serious junk in the trunk! The only downside, is I've got to deal with her jealous ex. He's Thanos, by the way. What a whiner! Baby-kins chose me, and he's all purple from holding his breath! I told him that I don't care how long he holds it, but he never listens!" Wade quickly takes off a flash grenade from the strap across his chest, and throws it a Cable causing an intense flash of light to be seen. Cable doesn't shield his eyes in time, and is temporarily blinded by the light.
Deadpool has on a pair of goggles that protected him from the light emitted by the flash grenade, and strikes a pose. "The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades! Well, Nate...it's been funsies, but we'll have to schedule our next play-date at a later time!" Wade looks around nervously, and looks at his pretend watch on his wrist again. "Come on, babe! Don't leave me hanging here!"
Deadpool watches as a pink colored vapor appears in the control room, and slowly takes the form of Magneto's teleporting Acolyte, Amelia Voght. Amelia looks around, and spots Deadpool waving his arms around excitedly, and Cable rubbing his eyes and reaching around with his left hand.
"Wilson! Get over here! Magneto is waiting for the time drive, and he's on a tight schedule!" Amelia holds out her right hand, and Wade practically skips over to her with the time drive in hand. "I'm coming, my fiery little cup-cake! You look as ravishing as you do in my many fantasies! Although, there are slight differences. For instance, you're currently wearing clothes, and not calling me Bea Arthur while whipping my sweet ass-cheeks!"
Amelia slaps Wade across the face, and then holds her arms over her chest protectively. "You asshole! If Magneto didn't need you for another job, I would let Cable finish you off!" Deadpool holds the side of his masked face, and cooed softly. "You do care! I have serious questions for you: 'How many little 'pools shall we make together, and do you mind sharing me with the very personification of Death herself?" Wade wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Amelia groaned, and face palmed.
"Why did I get stuck with this job again? Oh, right...I'm Magneto's only teleporter." Amelia sighed deeply, and looks over at Deadpool. "Let's get this over with." Amelia triggers her mutant ability. She, and Deadpool begin to turn into pink vapor when they both notice that Cable is pointing his plasma rifle at them with blinking eyes.
"No! I won't let someone like Magneto alter the future!" Cable shouts, and fires a full powered plasma blast at the two escaping intruders. The blast hits the time drive, and causes a massive burst of chronal energy that intermixes with Amelia's own mutant power of teleportation. The energy soon envelops the whole space station, and it disappears from their reality.
Unknown Dimension - Unknown World
"Mamma...I don't wanna wear the lacy undergarments...what will the other kids say?" Deadpool mumbles as he comes to, and rubs the top of his masked head. He quickly checks his gear. "All my equipment seems A-Okay!" Deadpool waves at his crotch in happiness. "Hi, Frank! Now, to check on the other most important thing: Amelia! Where for art thou, oh most cumly in all the land?" Deadpool looks around, and sees that he's in a large forest. He blinks, and then stares down at the forest floor, and notices the unconscious form of Amelia 10 meters away.
"My prayers have been answered! Amelia, my love! Speak to me! Shout my name to the heavens~! No, wait...let's save that for later when the reader's aren't so nosy! Now, Shoo! Shoo!" Deadpool makes shooing motions with his gloved hands at the readers, and moves quickly to check on Amelia's condition. Wade looks down, and sees that Amelia is breathing on her own. "That's one bullet dodged! Now, to check her pulse!" Deadpool's eyes are transfixed on Amelia's chest rising, and falling. "Their so...beautiful! No! Wade Wilson, you are a gentleman and a scholar! Ladies love them chivalrous types, and that's what I'll be! Damn it all, Frank! Now's not the time to get all pointy!" Wade admonishes his lower half, and wags his index finger at it. The appendage listens, and returns to its normal size. "Good boy! I'll get you a biscuit later!" Wade hears rustling of tree branches, and soft footfalls coming closer to their location.
"Yoo-hoo! Mysterious passersby! Might you possibly be of assistance? You see my soon to be cuddle partner here is in need of care...could you find it in your heart to help a friendly mercenary out?" Three small figures jump down into view, and Wade examines them with a keen eye. The first thing he notices is the girl with bubblegum pink hair, and a large forehead wearing a red dress with a hip pouch around her waist. She also has a kunai in hand, and is wearing a headband with a metal part with a leaf symbol on it. The second person is a boy wearing white shorts, and a blue high collared short sleeve top. His hair is shaped like a duck's butt, and he is wearing the same type of headband as the girl. The third, and final person is another boy with short sun-kissed blond hair wearing an orange jumpsuit with a pouch tied around his left leg. He has blue eyes, and strange whisker marks on his cheeks. He is also wearing the same leaf headband like his two companions.
Deadpool blinks, and holds both hands on his masked cheeks and sways from side to side making cooing noises. "You are just sooo darn cute in your little ninja outfits! Can one of you kids take me to where your mommy, and daddy's are? I have to tell them grown up stuff, and get help for my Butter-Cup!"
The three children give Deadpool puzzled looks, and the blond boy is scratching his head until he hears Deadpool mention about talking to their parents. This angers the blond, who goes to attack Deadpool, and has to be restrained by the other two.
"I don't have parents, dattebayo~! Even if I did, I wouldn't take a mercenary like you to the Village! dattebayo~!" The blond grits his teeth, and starts kicking out his legs in anger.
"Settle down, Naruto! That woman could be seriously hurt! We should at least try to help her!" The pink haired girl says to the now named Naruto.
"Sakura's right, Naruto. Calm down, or I'll have to knock you out and we'll leave you behind!" The dark haired boy reasoned with Naruto, and that helped to calm him down enough for the other two to release him from their hold. Wade moves over to Amelia, and picks her up bridal style. Deadpool moves closer to the three children, and puts them on alert with their kunai's drawn and taking a defensive stance.
"Don't soil your diapers, kiddies! I just want to make sure she's doing okay! You can put those wee little toothpicks away, and old uncle Deadpool won't have to whoop all your little asses into next week!" There is a few tense moments where the group of three, and Deadpool are in a stand off, but their concern for the woman's condition overrode their mistrust for the mouthy mercenary.
Sakura glances at her two companions. "We should take them to one of the examiners. They will know what to do with them." Sasuke nods his head. "That's not a bad idea, Sakura." Sasuke turns his head to look at Naruto, and misses seeing Sakura with a large blush on her cheeks, and hearts in her eyes. "What was the name of that last proctor? The one wearing the fishnet?" This information gains Deadpool's full attention. Naruto scratches the back of his head, and squints his eyes making him resemble a fox. "I can't remember ~dattebayo! I just call her crazy snake lady dattebayo!" Deadpool's eyes are wide, and has a large smile underneath his mask.
"You're singing my song, Tiny-Tot! Let's go visit Miss Fishnets, and then maybe she can introduce me to her snakes! I like 'em frisky!" Deadpool starts walking in a random direction without knowing where he's going. The three children look at each other and shrug their shoulders, and then start to follow the strange mercenary through the forest to find the proctor for the exam.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading! This is an experimental story, so let me know if you want me to continue it in a review! :D