Best Laid Plans by La. Tua. Cantante. 83

Summary: What if Bella hadn't been so sure about her decision to pick Jacob over Edward? What if she couldn't bear to break Jacob's heart? Would she choose a different path to satisfy the needs she never knew she had? Will her choices ruin everything that she's fought so hard to protect? Set at the end of Eclipse, after Bella tells Jacob of her need for Edward, she makes a plan that could put everything in jeopardy. An Edward & Bella story, with a little Jacob confusion & angst thrown in. I promise Edward/Bella fans, if you stick with me, you'll be happy. RATED M for language and suggestive themes. Just to be safe.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters from and references to Twilight and the Twilight Saga belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended. Alas, if I did own them, I could make Rob Pattinson do what I will. Oh, the possibilities.

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Preface

There are few things in my life that I question. Most decisions, I've never mourned. I never regretted—will never regret—my decision to leave my mother, my home, my familiarity, to live with my father in the middle of the Olympic peninsula in a place of rain and magic. I can never look back sorely on the day that I walked into the Biology lab and found the very edge of my existence. I will never lament knowing too much. I will never regret the day that I decided to dive off that cliff. Or the things that came after.

As I look back now, on the summer before I turned nineteen, I see all the things that I did wrong. I never should have started out on this strange quest to unite two people who didn't even know the other existed. I never should have pushed away the one person that I needed. I should have known that I couldn't control fate, and that fate was smarter than me. I hurt Jake, and I hurt Edward, and I was hurting myself while it was all going on. Selflessness had a limit, and I was on the very edge of mine.

In my sacrifice to find his other half for him, I almost lost mine. But I won't regret it. It made me appreciate the beauty of how the universe works.

Everything has brought me to this point; every thought, every want, every action. It has brought me to where I am now. It is where I am happy. It is where I am destined to be. I am home.

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I. Pendulum

There was almost no sound. All I could hear were the crickets outside the truck, and the sound of my own breathing. It was raspy and uneven. Edward didn't speak. I had watched his face morph in realization of what I was saying. My gut clenched poignantly, and it stayed that way the whole time we'd been sitting there, both of us too quiet. His silence was driving me mad. I needed some sort of acknowledgement, and at this point I'd take anything that he'd offer. I expected him to yell at me, but he didn't. Because he was Edward. More than anything I wanted him to hold me, to make it all go away. I wanted him to kiss me and quiet the rumblings in the pit of my stomach—not ones from hunger, but from utter aloneness. I wanted to tell him that he was all I wanted, but that I needed to make right the things that I had so badly broken. But I knew that I was no longer allowed to ask him for any of that.

It had been the longest day of my life. Longer than my first day at my new school. Longer than the days that I waited for him to save me from James. It was longer than any of my days when he had left, and I didn't think he loved me anymore. It was longer than the day we stood before the Volturi. Today, I had nearly frozen to death, had faced my most terrifying red-haired nightmare, felt like I had lost everything I'd been fighting for, and learned of my best friend's untimely accident. I'd hated Jacob, and loved him, and broken his heart. I'd gone to him to tell him where I stood and saw him lying there, broken because of me, and I still told him that I wanted Edward, because I did. I'd loved, and lost, and now I was losing all over again, because I'd just asked Edward for the one thing I didn't know if he could bear, but that I knew without question he'd give me: more time.

I didn't think I could hurt any more than I was, sitting there with him after I'd ripped his heart out of his chest, but I was wrong: I reached for him, and he shied away from me as if my fingertips were on fire. Of all the things that I expected, this was the least likely to me. An unnatural sound—hoarse and thick—wretched itself from my throat and left a burn there. I quieted immediately, discomfited at my pain, when he was the one who had a right to be agonizing. My body convulsed with my dry sobbing as the tears streamed down my face silently. He looked like I had struck him, wincing and shrinking down into the seat. He buried his head in his hands, grief-stricken.

"Edward, please," I moaned. It didn't sound like me. He looked up at me and I saw the look of utter despair on his face. I crumpled again. Tears flowed freely, and I felt my heart ripping loudly out of my chest all over again. I couldn't see straight, blinded. I wiped my face with the back of my hand, and I heard him sigh. Then I felt his arms around my waist. He pulled me from the driver's seat next to him. His arms encircled me, and he shushed me gently. And then I sobbed again, because I didn't understand how he could be so patient, so forgiving—soothing me—when I was ripping out his heart. He held my cheek to his chest and smoothed my hair. I looked up at him, and he wiped away the tears off my cheek.

"Bella, shh." He waited for me to obey. I finally quieted as he held me, though I continue to sniff. It felt like hours before I was capable of looking up at him. His face was calm, though the pain that I had inflicted had not disappeared. He was masking it for my benefit—again. He wiped under my eyes again, his cool fingers leaving trails where my tears had been. "There. That's better."

"I don't understand." He watched me, and smiled slightly, though his eyes held the unbearable sadness that was stirring in him. "How can you be so patient? Aren't you angry with me?"

"Angry? No. I'm not angry." He shook his head, looked away, and closed his eyes. "I'm…not surprised. It's not unreasonable for you to ask this of me. Not after everything that's happened today."

He looked down at me again.

"Edward, I want you to know that I love you. That this doesn't change anything. That I am not saying I don't want you, because I do. I will always want you."

"I know that you love me, but this does change things." I felt the panic creep up into my heart, and it must have shown on my face, because he hurried to make me understand. "Not from my end, mind you, but from yours. You want time, and I'll give you that, because I want you to do what you think is best for you. But you wouldn't need time if things were exactly the same. Maybe, in the end, you won't always want me."

I panicked.

"Edward…" I started, but he held up is hand to stop me.

"Bella, love, I understand. I know that you're confused. That's okay. There is nothing wrong with that."

"Isn't there? I'm your fiancée!" I spit it out, disgusted with myself. Edward hadn't done anything to deserve this. I knew that. The only thing he had ever done was loved me. A lot. More than he should have. Enough to make the choice to leave for my own benefit. It really hadn't worked out, but he was trying to save me. Enough to understand my need to keep Jacob in my life, and enough to sit by and let me need him. He loved me enough to give me what I was asking of him now. I didn't know how I could let it get so out of control.

I was asking him to wait for me, which I knew he would do. He wouldn't give up on me. That wasn't why I felt bad—it was because I was even asking it in the first place. I was asking him to give me time so that I could see if I really wanted this, which was stupid, because I did. I already knew that Edward was all I wanted, all I needed. And I felt guilt, because I shouldn't have had the right to want anything more. Because he was already everything.

But then there was Jacob. My Jacob. The rock on which I grasped when there was nothing else to hold on to. He was the one that took me under his wing and protected me from myself when I was unrecognizable. I had used him, and he let me, and now he loved me. And I loved him too. Two men, who were so right for me, both in their own ways. I felt guilty because parts of me wanted them both, and I didn't think that was fair.

After everything that had happened, I realized that I was fighting with those two parts of myself. I had spent the evening trying to decide what to do about my conflicting pieces, and the best that I could come up with was that I needed more time. My head was swimming. I was so confused. I had thought I knew what I wanted. I had even gone to tell Jacob that I needed Edward more than anything. But when I went to see him, and he was lying there in the bed, bruised and broken—for me—I didn't know again. The fact that I loved Edward didn't change and I didn't lose any of my need for him, but my heart grew and expanded to fit Jacob in too. I did love him, and every fiber in my being wanted to protect him, and the thing that he needed protecting from the most was me. From me hurting him any more than I already had. And telling him that I was choosing Edward over him did hurt him.

But then there was Edward again. On my way back home, he swooped in, and wrapped his arms around me. He held me while I sobbed, and I let him. So selfishly. I cried because I knew what I was about to ask, and because I knew that he'd give it to me, and because I knew that it would probably hurt him more than anything else I could do.

He was watching me, a sad smile on his face. He brushed a piece of hair off my forehead.

"Bella, I will never stand in the way of what you want. If you need more time—more space, whatever you need— to decide what that is, I will give it to you. Without question."

"Why?" I pleaded with him. The tears clung in my throat.

"Because I love you. More than myself." And there was the gut-wrenching guilt again.

He slid me over him and shifted our places so that he was in the driver's seat and I was sitting on the passenger's side. I was only vaguely aware as he put the car in gear, and buckled me up, and that we were driving down the road quite fast for my beat-up truck, because I was too lost in my own sadness.

"Aren't you afraid?" I whispered to him.

He snorted. "Yes, of course. You are the reason for my being, and the very thought of you not in my life frightens me more than anything else. But I'm also afraid of you not knowing. I don't want you to be with me if that's not what you really want. I would rather suffer for the rest of eternity than to have you do so, if being with me doesn't make you as happy as you could be."

I watched him, truly unsure of how to respond to that.

"How can you think that an eternity of being with you would even remotely be suffering?"

"If you wanted something more—something else—you'd be suffering."

We pulled up to the house sooner than I expected. He slowed the truck and parked in the driveway. I continued to stare forward. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach didn't go away. I sighed, knowing that Charlie would be inside, and that he'd want to know all the details of my visit with Jacob. Edward was watching me carefully as I turned to him.

"I'll see you upstairs." I turned to get out of the cab, but he caught my arm. When I turned, his eyes were sad and this time, he didn't try to hide it. His brow furrowed, and his lips were pursed. I could see he was suffering.

"Bella, I really don't think that is a very good idea." He winced a little at his own words.

"What?! Why?!"

"Well, because. If you're not sure…"

"I'm sure about that! I'm sure I want you with me tonight, and I'm sure that I need you."

He sighed. "Well, I don't want you to be more confused. I don't want that."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I hadn't ever really considered how that would affect my sleeping arrangements. I took for granted the fact that Edward was always with me at night. I guess I didn't think that would change. Or at least, I hadn't anticipated it. It was then that it hit me, exactly what I had done.

"Listen, Bella. I told you, my feelings have not changed. I love you and I will always love you, and I will always want you. But I don't think it is fair of me to act so selfishly when you're not really sure what you want right now. You want me when I'm with you, sure, but when I'm not…" He trailed off, and he watched me sadly.

"I still want you," I told him resolutely.

He shrugged and furrowed his brow again.

"You don't need to do that, Bella."

"I'm not saying anything I don't want to. It's all true. I just…I'm a little unsure of how to proceed right now. I love you as much as I always have—I'm not confused about that. It's just that now there is this whole other side that I never realized and I just…" I trailed off, because I felt like I was probably rambling, not quite getting my point across effectively. He watched me patiently. "I just don't think I can push it away like it doesn't exist and ignore it. I feel so bad about the way this all has gone."

I watched his face to see that he was with me still. I needed him to understand, and he seemed to, though I don't know why I was surprised. Edward was always so understanding. I knew I didn't deserve it.

"You're right," he said, when he was sure I wasn't going to speak anymore. "You never realized how deep your feelings for him actually went, and it is fair that you need time to assess them. So, I wouldn't want to confuse you any more, by staying in your room."

He looked at me matter-of-factly, and I sighed. I knew he was right. It was not fair of me to ask him to be my boyfriend some of the time, when it was convenient for me.

"Edward, I love you." He sighed, his face changing just enough that I could see how conflicted he was. At that moment, I saw what he was going through. Did he not believe it? Or was he afraid that I was only saying it because he would want to hear it? I tried to put myself in his place—I probably wouldn't want to hear it either. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for the way you feel. And I love you too." He leaned over and kissed my cheek, before opening the door and getting out. I followed suit. He walked around to the front of the truck and I joined him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and he pulled me into him, resting his chin on my head. Something about this seemed very much like ending. I began to cry again, silent tears running down my cheeks. He just let me.

"Now what? Where does this go from here?" I whispered.

I could feel him inhaling slowly, I assumed to control himself. He was struggling as much as I was.

"Now we wait. You figure out what it is that you truly need. I back off and give you the space you need to follow your heart." He pulled away from me and wiped the tears off my cheeks. Then he bent down and kissed my forehead. "I'll be here when you need me."

"I'll always need you." He didn't say anything to that. I stepped into his arms again, and he let me, though I could tell how hard it was for him. Everything felt right when he was holding me. I realized that I wouldn't always have that at my disposal anymore.

"I have to go. I'll call you soon." He stepped away and bent down, just enough that he could brush his lips with mine again. It was so light, that if I wouldn't have felt the tell-tale coolness left on my skin, I wouldn't have realized he was kissing me. I watched him as he disappeared into the night, taking a piece of me with him.

I knew Charlie was waiting for me. I'd lumbered up the front stairs, suddenly too tired to move lightly. I felt like I was going to collapse from the pain, the memories, and from the weight on my shoulders. I felt like a tornado, wreaking havoc on everything in my path. How was it that I managed to rip apart everyone that I loved? How could my life have gotten so out of hand? At what point had it become my nature to be so selfish and unrelenting?

He was watching TV when I came in, trying to look preoccupied, I assumed. When he saw my face he stood up abruptly and came over to me. I must have looked awful. Tears were still streaming down my face.

"Bells, what's wrong? Is Jacob…" The sentence caught in his throat. I realized that he was worried about Jake's health and not his heart. I shook my head vigorously.

"No, he's fine. I just…" I really didn't know what to say. I just told him I'd made my decision, but I changed my mind? I just probably lost the one person I needed the most? I just made a pact with the devil? "…need to go to sleep."

I dragged myself up the stairs. I undressed quickly, shedding my dress, not even bothering to put anything back on. I crawled under the covers sluggishly, wrapping them around me tightly all the way up to the neck. It wasn't until my head hit the pillow and I had time to think that I broke down completely. I sobbed restlessly as the anguish overtook me. I cried for the look on Edward's face. I cried for the hope that Jacob had. I cried because I didn't know what my future would hold. I cried at the possible loss of the family that I had so coveted being a part of, and for the future that I didn't know if I had the right to hope for. I cried because Jacob was bruised and broken, inside and out, and that was all my fault.

Charlie didn't come to check on me, though I knew he could hear me. I didn't have the strength to try to cover it up. I was slightly thankful that he was terrified of the hysterics, though it would have been nice to have Edward there to hold me. The thought of that made me cry all over again. I didn't know how I could survive without his arms around me.

I thought that I'd never stop the constant flood from me, that the pain would never be subdued enough that my brain would calm. But the exhaustion of the night overtook me, and I stopped crying—I didn't have any tears left, I thought, and I couldn't physically do it anymore. I don't know what time it was when I finally went to sleep, the stillness of slumber dulling the pain.

***

I woke up to sunlight, though it wasn't where I thought it would be in the sky. Apparently, I'd slept for a lot longer than I'd meant to. The events of the evening came back to me. A part of me wondered why I meant to get up at all after all of that. Then I scolded myself, because that was a terrible thing to think. There had to be hope. There was always hope.

It was extremely hard to see right now, I'd had to admit. I wasn't really sure how it was going to work out. There was no way that I could make everyone happy, least of all myself. My happiness didn't really seem that important to me at the moment, though.

I willed myself to get out of bed. Charlie was gone. I figured he didn't want to have to see me after the previous night of noise. I didn't really blame him, but the fact that I was once again alone made me feel even emptier. I felt that there was nothing left in me: tears, happiness, vital organs. I was just a shell.

Here I was, a woman that didn't even deserve one of them, in love with two wonderful men.

No. I realized that it wasn't that I was in love with Jacob. Did I love him? Of course. He was kind, gentle, and selfless, and I knew he'd do everything in his power to make me happy. How could I not love him? The thought of him, warm and sturdy, made me smile. I could count on him. I knew he'd be loyal. I could see myself beside him, doing all the everyday activities that couples do. It was very feasible. In fact, I could see myself doing that more with him than I could see myself doing those things with Edward. Edward was so out of the realm of the normal, that I couldn't imagine myself folding his laundry, or cooking dinner with him, or paying bills with him. Of course a lot of "couple-things" he and I would never do together, so Jacob was more natural. He was a good match for me. But I wasn't in love with him the way I was with Edward.

My love for Jake made me want to take care of him above all else. To me, he was a victim of my own making, and he needed me. I thought about how I'd used him, and I winced. I had hurt him in the worst possible way, and it was my job to fix it. I didn't think I could bear to hurt him any more than I had. I resolved myself to making things right.

Edward was the most patient, selfless creature that I'd ever met. I didn't understand how it was possible. He didn't believe he had a soul? I didn't know how there could be any doubt. So I knew that he'd be supportive no matter what it was that I asked him for. I knew that I didn't deserve it, and I was pushing my luck. I was probably sacrificing everything that I wanted, but I didn't deserve him in the first place. Jacob didn't deserve to be hurting. I would put off any happiness of my own to make sure that Jake wouldn't hurt anymore.

And then an idea came to me, one that might make all of the suffering null and void.

It seemed like a reasonable plan, even as it was forming in my head. All the misery that followed in my wake the last few months would not go away, but hopefully, I could prevent any further damage. If Edward was as patient as he said. If Jacob could forgive me for all that I'd already done. If I could keep things status quo. If I could resist what I really wanted, just until I didn't need to anymore. Then, if those ifs didn't betray me, I wouldn't have to be the one to make it hard. Everything would fall into place naturally.

How hard could it be? I would have to wait and hope, but there had to be a way. If it all worked out in my favor. Jacob would be happy, and I wouldn't hurt him anymore. I wouldn't be the one to make the hard decision, because that amazing and incomprehensible magic of the Quileutes would make the decision for me, and no one would suffer. There would be no more tears. I would have everything I needed, and so would he.

If I could find a way for Jacob to imprint.

I didn't recognize at that moment that there could be flaws in my plan. I didn't think about the fact that it wasn't really in my hands, or that it might not even be possible, because I was just so excited about it that I didn't bother to look at the downsides and improbable task before me. That whole angle wasn't even an issue to me at that moment. I didn't think about how it would affect everyone involved. The part of my brain that should have sent up the red warning flag was so completely masked by the hope and possibilities, that it never had the chance to communicate all the negatives of this idea. Everything rational was fogged by the possibility that I didn't need to cause anymore disappointment or heartache.

Hazy murmurings of suggestion were becoming more concrete. Things were beginning to solidify. I found myself hurrying to get myself ready. I hopped in the shower and washed myself quickly. There was so much to do. I tidied my room. For the first time in a long time, I felt lighter, feeling an almost-forgotten sense of hope. I hurriedly got down some quick breakfast and threw in some laundry. I brushed my teeth. I needed to see Jacob, I needed to talk to Edward. I felt like everything could work out because of this. My mind was whirling with the necessary steps needed to make this all work.

The phone rang as I was reaching for my truck keys.

"Hello?"

"Bella! What are you planning?" Alice. Damn. Her sweet melodic voice reminded me that all my efforts could be in vain. There were certain things that needed to happen for all this to work out. Most importantly, all parties involved needed to be completely unaware of what I was doing. Alice and her visions could throw a wrench into all of that. And of course, she already knew about last night. Edward confided in Alice because of her deep love for me.

"Oh, hi Alice." I sounded timid, even to myself.

"Don't 'Oh, hi Alice' me! I can tell you're working on something, I just don't know what yet." She sounded a little irritated with me. I felt a quick pang go through my chest. I realized I wasn't only putting Edward off, but her and the rest of the Cullens too. All the more reason to make this work.

"Please don't let him see, Alice. I need your help," I pleaded. I heard her sigh.

"Bella, do you really think this—whatever it is—is such a good idea? I mean, I'm not positive what you're thinking yet, but the plan seems to have some serious flaws. Everything is shifting, and I don't like the blank spots." Her voice rose up at the end.

"I do need to do this. I need to make everything right."

"I don't know that any of it will be right by this. I see so many different things from this. Sometimes, you disappear completely. I can't keep track of it. I don't like it." I envisioned her pouting and crossing her arms in front of her gruffly.

"Please, Alice. Just…" I breathed deeply. "Just keep it to yourself for now. Please."

The other line was silent for a while. I got the impression that she was watching the visions again. It helped to know that the images in her head were as varied and confused as the indistinct plans in mine. Maybe that would help her block Edward from seeing. I hoped.

"Fine. For now, I'll do what I can. But be careful. You can't control everything, you know."

I let out the breath that I'd been holding.

"Thanks, Alice."

"Yeah, yeah. Just be careful." I heard her sigh again before the line went dead. I didn't like making Alice mad, or asking her to lie for me, but it was a necessary evil. She'd quickly become a vital force in my plan to right my world.

I regrouped myself and headed out the door. As I lumbered down the road in my tired, old truck, I leaned my head on the back rest and breathed deeply, trying to calm myself. I tried not to think about it too much, simply letting hazy brainstorms swirl in my head—nothing concrete, more of a feeling than anything. It was the goal that was the important part, not really the process. I hoped it would help Alice keep my secret.

Stage one in the process: I was off to La Push.

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Chapter End Notes: To all of you who are worried…just you wait! I loved how Stephenie Meyer put everything how it was supposed to be, but I think that if I were in Bella's position, I wouldn't be able to ignore my newly acquired knowledge of her Jacob-love. Those kinds of things need to be explored. Guilt, angst, and soul-searching ensue. Thanks in advance for all the constructive criticism, and let me know what you think!