Clarke woke up drenched in sweat, her heart pounding, her eyes open wide for the third night in a row. She steadied her breathing and looked around her dark, empty tent, proving to herself that she was okay and more importantly, that so were her people. Everyone was sleeping soundly around her, their rest well deserved after the war. She knew she was safe now, but that didn't stop the nightmares of Mount Weather from coming every single night.
The nightmares consisted of the same thing, every time: Bellamy's death. She had sent Bellamy into Mount Weather, his blood would be on her hands, and that was one death she could not be responsible for.
When Bellamy returned safely from the horror that was Mount Weather, it was the most elating part of winning the war for Clarke. He ran straight to Octavia, embracing his sister and holding her tight, and Clarke knew that she took priority.
She had priorities too; she was the commander of the Sky People, after all. Jasper and Monty were helping get everyone who had been hurt in the war attended to; the medical tent was full of wounded soldiers. Blood had been spilled, people had died, but sacrifices were made in war and everyone had been prepared to die to save their people.
But Bellamy – Bellamy was prepared to make the biggest sacrifice of all. Once the storm from the war on Mount Weather had finally settled, and everyone had a chance to breathe once again, Bellamy had sat down with Commander Lexa and with Clarke and explained how he did it.
And now scenes of fire and explosions and a dead Bellamy haunted her dreams every night. He was here, he was alive, but he shouldn't be. It was, by all means, a miracle, and Clarke did not believe in miracles.
She didn't sleep well before the war, and she couldn't sleep well now. She knew she wasn't the only one with that problem, as one morning she woke up to Jasper rustling around camp, seeming to pace with no reason. Clarke knew losing Maya had destroyed him and she worried he would never be the same again. Jasper had suffered so much; he was so strong.
Tonight, her nightmare was no different. It was Bellamy dying in the fiery explosion that disabled the acid fog and saved an entire army from a brutal death. Bellamy, the hero. Would he ever be anything different? She knew in her heart he deserved to lead, but Lexa would have no part of that.
"You're a leader, Clarke. You are a commander; you were born for this." She told her one night, "Bellamy is brave, but he is not the leader you are. Do not doubt yourself. Doubt is weak."
She knew Lexa was right, but Bellamy deserved it more than anyone. He had made sacrifices for the people he loved; he was wiling to die for others, even people he didn't know.
For some reason, she couldn't shake her anxiety tonight and knew no amount of trying to distract herself would help her fall back into a fitful and miserable sleep, so she decided to go on a walk.
Bellamy's tent was a short walk from hers, and that was calming to her. Maybe…maybe she'd just go check on him, just to make sure he was okay. He had sustained some nasty injuries in the blast that shook Mount Weather, most of them burns, and so he was still recovering. That would put her mind at ease, she'd just peak inside the tent and check on him; she was one of the most highly regarded medics in Camp Jaha, so it would be a justified action.
The night was warm and quiet, but she knew better than to think everyone was sleeping. She was sure Lexa was up, whispering to Octavia, who had become second to the Commander after being trained under Indra. Jasper would be up to, in his shared tent with Monty, both of them probably staring at the ceiling, unable to talk from exhaustion, but unable to sleep because they were haunted by the images that Mount Weather had hammered inside their brain, never to be forgotten.
The war had left a mark on everyone that could not be erased. The people lost, the irreversible damage done, all for a greater cause, all for the safety of their people and their safe living on the ground.
Despite the pleasant air, Clarke shivered. Reaching Bellamy's tent, Clarke sighed, feeling slightly stalkerish. She had to stop her worrying, she just had to look in and check on him. When she pulled back the flap of the tent, she saw Bellamy sleeping soundly, his bare chest exposed and his face looking peaceful, which was a welcome sight after the stress that had been constantly shown on his face since they arrived on the ground. She smiled to herself and walked over to him, which she should've realized was a bad idea. Bellamy drew Clarke in; he encased her whenever he entered a room and she had such a protective instinct over him that the others called her a guard dog. She was nothing compared to some of the grounder guards who flanked her on Lexa's command, but it wasn't her job to protect Bellamy.
She sat down by his sleeping bag and studied his face, which was covered in cuts and scratches but untouched by burns. His back had gotten the worst of the fire and she knew if she turned him over, she'd see the welts that caused him so much pain. But for now, he slept, undisturbed by the world around him and what had become of it.
Clarke was just getting up to leave, at peace now that she knew Bellamy was sleeping soundly, when he shifted and moaned. Then, all at once, the peace was broken and Bellamy shot up, his eyes darting around the room like a mad man.
"Cuh-Clarke?" His voice was raspy and panicked. His eyes were adjusting to the darkness of the room. He hadn't even looked in her direction, how did he sense her presence?
"Yes," She whispered, not moving and then he turned to her.
"Wha…I'm still asleep?" He was clearly confused and his face showed signs of distress.
"No, I'm here," Clarke breathed to him and he relaxed.
"You're here." He smiled, "What are you doing here, princess?"
"I just…had a nightmare…" She couldn't give a good explanation without coming across as a complete freak, and she blushed in spite of herself.
"You and me both." Bellamy stretched his arms behind his head and yawned. "It's gotta be late, huh?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry, let me get back to my tent…" She made a move to stand up, but Bellamy reached out and grabbed her wrist.
"Don't go." His dark brown eyes were pleading with her, and he smiled sadly, "I don't sleep too well these days; maybe you'll bring me some comfort."
"Bellamy, the rebel warrior who shot the chancellor, won a war against the grounders, and then proceeded to take down Mount Weather from the inside, is asking for my protection?" Clarke teased him softly, lying down next to him. Her arms were by her side and she was on her back, but Bellamy turned to face her.
"No one could make me feel safer than you do, warrior princess." He smirked and slowly moved his hand down her arm until it rested on top of hers. "I'm glad you're alive."
That was such a common phrase in this world, yet it sent electricity through her body. Bellamy hadn't been Clarke's biggest fan when they had first landed on the ground, but circumstances had brought everyone together and Clarke had realized she needed Bellamy. She needed him to help run things on the ground – they would've never made it this far without Bellamy, but there was something else too. When she had joined hands with Lexa and they had led their conjoined army to Mount Weather to begin the war that would end it all, she was struck with the sudden jolt that she had not heard from Bellamy in too long of a time. He had disabled the acid fog, he had done his job admirably, as she knew he would, but had the risk been too much? She was terrified that he had been caught and she didn't want to imagine what the inhumane people on Mount Weather would do to him if he were caught. He would have a fate far worse than the harvested Grounders.
It was that moment that she knew: she would not be able to make it without Bellamy. He had become a part of her – her best friend, her co-leader, her other half.
"I'm glad you're alive too." She whispered, barely moving her lips. Bellamy smiled sleepily, his eyes closing as he made lazy circles on her palm until she fell asleep.
When the sun came up, it shone unbearably brightly into Bellamy's tent. Clarke opened her eyes and adjusted to her surroundings. Last night seemed like a dream – her ghostly walk across the campgrounds, watching Bellamy sleep, and then eventually falling asleep next to him. When she looked next to her, however, there he was, sleeping soundly with one arm draped lazily over Clarke's chest. They had found comfort in each other's company last night and for a few hours, it seemed the nightmares subsided.
She wasn't quite ready to get back to the real world, but she had a camp to help run. She emerged from the tent carelessly, not realizing that this was not where she usually slept, and her blue eyes widened as she ran into someone she should've expected would be heading toward Bellamy's tent: Octavia.
"Clarke." Octavia's voice was sharp. Everything about Octavia these days radiated hardness. Her intricate braids, her war makeup that covered her eyes, her constant attack-stance. Octavia had earned her position as Lexa's second. She was a warrior.
She was also slow to forgive, and she and Clarke had a shaky relationship. Octavia didn't agree with a decision Clarke and Lexa had made. She had forgive them and agreed to be Lexa's second, but she was still learning to trust Clarke again.
"What are you doing in Bellamy's tent at this hour?" She narrowed her eyes.
"I – I had a nightmare, O. I know that sounds pathetic, but I just needed to make sure Bellamy was okay." Clarke met Octavia's eyes, and saw them soften under the black war paint.
"Yeah, I get them too." She agreed, and then she gave Clarke a tight smile and moved around her to get into her brother's tent.
Clarke sighed. Any progress with Octavia was promising.
Even at such an early hour, Camp Jaha was up and running. She knew her mother would be in the medical tent, tending to some of the more lingering injuries that had been sustained after the war, and helping out the few cases of illness that broke out here and there.
She imagined Monty was up, as he always was, gathering berries with Jasper and Harper to make more flavorful breakfast options. The 47 who had been rescued from Mount Weather operated in tightly wound groups now, clinging to each other for safety like they had when they were held prisoners. She had heard Mel wake up suddenly and scream, just a few days ago, no doubt remembering when the guards dragged her to the lab to be the next to die for her pure blood. Jasper had been the first to reach her, bringing the universal comfort that he brought to everyone he came into contact with.
Jasper was the one who made sure the 47 didn't give up hope while they were in Mount Weather; he had been the leader. Unlike when he first shot the Grounder from the tree, however, so long ago, Jasper was humbled and when someone would mention his bravery at the mount, his eyes would fall to the ground and she knew he was remembering whom he could not save.
Jasper was someone who knew loss very well.
Clarke continued on her path, which was taking her to the medical tent where she would help her mother with the morning routine. Once that was done, Jasper and Monty would be back with the others, bringing with them a small breakfast treat. She was finding it hard to not constantly be on edge, because they had won. They had won the war; they were safe. So why did she feel that at any minute, her world that she had helped make was going to come crumbling down?
"You slipped out pretty early, princess." A voice came from behind Clarke where she sat at the table, a voice she would've recognized anywhere.
"Yeah, well, we can't afford the luxury of sleeping in." She mumbled back, embarrassed, as Bellamy took a seat next to her in the dining area. The room was packed with campers, all chatting animatedly, and enjoying their actual abundance of food. More people meant more hunters, more gatherers, and more food meant more strength.
"Actually," Bellamy took a giant bite of porridge, "We can. Relax, princess. The war is over. We won, just like I told you we would."
Clarke flashed back to right after she told Bellamy he would have to go to Mount Weather, to be their inside man and take down the mount's security so the army could take it. She had given him a suicide mission, essentially, and he took it without a single question. He had simply nodded, and said that they would win the war; he would make sure of it.
Bellamy never went back on his word.
"I can never relax on this planet." Clarke said, looking at the scene around her. Everyone else seemed to have no problem loosening up after the war. Everywhere, people were eating, joking, playing games; everyone seemed so unaffected. Clarke was affected every night. She replayed her merciful murder of the first boy she had ever loved, Finn. She replayed Raven's screams as he fell to the ground, lifeless. She replayed the missile that wiped out half of the Grounders' camp – the missile that was intended for her. She replayed her mother's and later, Octavia's, disgust when they found out she knew about the missile and had let innocent people died. She replayed the way Mount Weather looked as it went up in flames, killing everyone inside instantly – even the innocent children, even Maya.
Clarke would never forget the consequences of war; the blood would never be washed off her hands. But she could heal, slowly; she could learn to live with what she had done. As Lexa told her many times, love was weakness and so was dwelling on the past.
"You were pretty relaxed last night, "Bellamy quipped, shooting her a wink. "No place safer than in my arms, princess."
"Stop calling me princess; I have a name. And if I recall, you were the one begging for me to stay." She replied, indignantly rolling her eyes and angrily tossing a blueberry into her mouth.
"That is true, only because I couldn't pass up a chance to sleep with a pretty girl."
Clarke's mouth made a small 'o' and she stared at Bellamy in disbelief. She loved Bellamy, deeply, and they had come a long way since they stepped on the ground and declared themselves enemies, but was Bellamy Blake flirting with her?
"It was a one time thing – I wasn't myself." Of course she wasn't, she hadn't been herself for weeks. She was supposed to be strong, heartless like Lexa had taught her, not undone by a nightmare or the touch of a handsome boy.
"Well, it was the best I've slept since we landed on this godforsaken planet." Bellamy said, his eyes on Clarke. She looked down at her bowl, feeling her face burning at his honesty. "So," he continued, "I'd like it if you came back tonight."
Clarke looked back up, and finally met Bellamy's eyes. They were full of hope and happiness – true happiness. The only other time she had seen his eyes filled with that much light was when he had first reunited with Octavia after her disappearance, so many months ago.
"Okay," she agreed.