How do you get to this point? Sitting on the box spring of a bed in a rockstar-esq trashed hotel room with the hotel manager, security, and a few police officers surveying the damage. I threw the fit of all hissy fits all over a man, something that my grandma always warned me never to let happen. I can hear her voice in my head and that tsk tsk sound she used to make when she disapproved of me. I could kick myself for disappointing her yet again but right now the image of him and her is burned into my memory and I can still feel the urge to break things. As the muffled voice of a dispatcher coming from the radio on the hip of the police officer next to me fades away, my subconscious replays the events of the last week or so. In private he started to use the 'L-word' and it absolutely freaked me out. I pushed him away, as hard as I could, afraid of what a real relationship with him would do to my career, not to mention my heart. After having what was notably the best match of my career, no doubt driven by the pure rage I was feeling due to certain backstage events, I returned to our hotel room, the one we shared in secret, and trashed it. Months later I would understand his actions and you would, too, if you gave him the time of day, which I didn't for a long time. But to understand what really happened, we need to go back to the beginning.

We laid together in yet another hotel room bed, facing each other with smiles on both our faces. We had been secretly dating for six months now and while it was hard and tricky to keep things a secret, it was fun and exciting at the same time. In our six months together, we had taken things slowly. This was probably the slowest relationship I had ever been involved in. I used to throw myself into relationships and turn them sexual on a whim but with my career at the forefront of my mind, I did things differently this time. Once we were alone behind the doors of random hotel rooms across the United States, we'd kiss, he'd hold me as we talked, or we'd joke and tease as we watched some randomly bad reality TV show before falling asleep. We learned intimate details about each other and over time became very comfortable. The happiness and comfort I was feeling was starting to make me nervous. Perhaps I was naive to think it was special that we could feel so close and connected without throwing ourselves at each other. We didn't need sex to make us, us. Just a kiss goodnight and good morning was all I needed. It was all I wanted, for now, at least. I didn't allow my mind to wander to his reputation with the ladies, however random they were. As I looked up at him, he crossed his eyes and puffed out his cheeks and I laughed at his funny face.

"I love your laugh," he told me, running his hand down my side to rest on my hip. The use of the L word made my stomach turn. Love was a glue that bound you for much more than an evening and we could not be us during the majority of our waking hours. Love was not a word we should be using, even if it was just about my laugh.

"Don't use that word," I murmured, wanting to pull away from him, maybe roll to my back and stare at the ceiling, but I couldn't. I kept looking him in the eye.

"What word?" he asked, looking a little confused towards me. He had used the word without thinking, it had come that naturally.

"The L word."

"Laugh?"

"Don't be a smartass." I sounded like my mother and it gave me a chill. This time I did roll to my back, finally prying my eyes off the angles of his face. I had studied his features one night while we were alone, memorizing the curve of his chin and the arch of his eyebrows. Have you ever looked at someone you've seen a million times and have a feeling like you're seeing them for the first time? I feel like at that type of moment, you're really seeing the real them. You notice every nook and cranny of their features and burn them into your memory. It sometimes takes years to have that moment of enlightenment. With him, it happened fast, within a week. I learned him quickly.

That night would be the beginning of what I thought was the end of us. I had been in this position once before and it nearly ruined me both professionally and emotionally. I'd never let that happen again.

No matter how much I loved his laugh, too.