"You said before, that if I had to leave then I should take you with me."
Chuck's dark figure emerged from the shadows. His face, Blair could see clearly, was pale, and taught with suppressed emotion. His eyes were hooded and glazed, a look not unfamiliar to the only Bass heir, but this time, she knew, it was not the work of any narcotic or illegal substance that provided the air of confusion and confliction. He eyed her silently, awaiting her reaction.
But Blair was past all reasonable thought. Emotions surged through her; anger, sadness, happiness, worry, elation – "Chuck," She breathed.
His name was a more then adequate way to deliver any and all of the things she wanted to say. She longed to throw her arms around him. To rush over to him and comfort him as she had so many weeks before. She could almost feel the soft, feather-like strands of his hair as she ran her fingers through it, she could just about see the look of devastation on his face, taste the salty tang of his tears on her lips, listen as his heart slowed and he fell into an uneasy slumber...
But something held her back.
Perhaps it was the harsh recollection of the morning after, waking up to find that he was long gone, a hastily scribbled note the sole souvenir that prove that he had indeed been there, that she had not imagined it.
Perhaps it was the way he stood there, tie slung over his neck haphazardly, shoulders slouched, suit rumpled, hair in disarray... He had rarely looked as vulnerable to her as he did now, but yet he was strong at the same time. His stance was controlled and steady, so unlike the broken man that she had witnessed just weeks prior. He kept his distance, lurking in the shadows of the dimly lit bedroom, his eyes seemed to ask for her to stay where she was, to not move a muscle lest he break down again.
Either way, she knew that comfort was not the way to go. Anyone could give comfort, but Blair knew that Chuck needed so much more then false placates and soothing whispers.
"What are you doing here?" Blair asked quietly, her eyes never straying from his. "Everyone's out looking for you, Lily's just about ready to call the police."
"I wanted to see you."
She opened her mouth as if to speak, but quickly snapped it shut again. Part of her yearned to ask why, to see if she could finally get the answers that had eluded her for so long. But again she didn't. She was determined to do things differently this time. And if that meant that she had to leave the hard questions until later, then she would do her best to try and learn the virtue that had long escaped her; patience.
She nodded in lieu of a response.
"Eric, Serena, Lily..." Chuck looked away from her for the first time. "They don't understand. They mean well, but they don't know what I'm going through. They just don't... get it."
"And I do?" The words escape her mouth before she can stop them.
His eyes dart back to hers once more. "No. But you do get me."
He was acknowledging that she knew him just as he knew her, better even, because she had seen him lose control, but he hadn't truly witnessed her demons first hand.
So she nodded again. Facts. That's what he was stating. They could deal with facts, it was the emotions that they had trouble with.
"You should call. Let them know you're okay. Nate and Eric are still searching. Jack too."
He flinched, and she didn't know if it was the name of his no-good-scheming-uncle that had resulted in the breach of his cool veneer, or if it was the name of her current boyfriend, his supposed best friend, that had warranted it. Again she didn't ask.
"You said before that if I had to go then I should take you with me." Chuck repeated calmly, ignoring her previous remark. "I'm going, the question is, are you coming with me?"
All of the air rushed out of Blair's lungs as she looked at him with wide eyed disbelief. She didn't know whether to be shocked or scared. Was this what she had been waiting for all this time? Was Chuck finally letting her in?
"What – what do you mean?" She asked quickly.
"I can't stay here anymore Blair." He said quietly. "This place, New York, it's bad for me. It makes me want to do things that I don't want to do, say things that I don't want to say. I need to get out."
"But... you're Chuck. You belong here." She said dumbly. "It's your home."
He let out a chuckle, a cold, hard, laugh that made her body shiver. "This isn't my home Blair. It hasn't been for a long time now."
"You have family here."
"Not by blood." His face darkens for a moment as he remembers his uncle, but he ploughs on. "Face it Blair, I've severed all of my ties here. Almost." He corrects. "I've severed almost all of my ties here. All but one."
She doesn't need to look at him to know who he means. "What about Eric? If you leave, then this will crush him."
Chuck stares at the ground. "He has Serena." He said finally. "It will hurt for a while, but he'll get through it. He's tough. Resilient."
"Serena then. Who's going to get her out of scrapes if you're not around? Who's going to look out for her?" Blair folds her arms across her chest. She doesn't know why she's throwing all these names at him, but she knows that she feels some sadistic pleasure in watching his face harden and furrow at the thought of all the people he'll be leaving behind. "I can deal with the minor things sure, but we both know that I don't have the resources or the power to make things disappear at the bat of an eyelid."
"Serena has Dan now, he knows how to keep her out of trouble. And she's grown up a lot in the past year. She thinks before she acts. Most of the time. She'll be all right."
"Lily."
"She has Rufus now. And she's a lot stronger then anyone gives her credit for."
Blair sighs, "What about Nate? He's your best friend. What's he going to think about your doing a disappearing act without any warning?"
Chuck smirks, it's hollow and humorless, but it's there. "He's Nate. He'll be more concerned about where his next supply of weed is coming from then in losing his 'friend'."
"That's not true and you know it. He loves you." Blair said sharply. "They all do. You can't just up and leave. And what will you do on your own, huh? Hit up more opium dens in Bangkok? Piss away what's left of your trust fund in some Vegas strip joint?"
"No." He's beginning to get annoyed, "It won't be like that. And I won't be on my own. You'll be with me."
This time Blair laughed and it was as humorless as his smirk. "You're asking me or telling me? Because I haven't agreed to anything yet, Bass. You may be finished with New York but I'm not."
"What's left for you here Waldorf?" He resorts to using surnames just as easily as she does. "Yale? You didn't get in, remember."
Blair scowls at the memory of her lost dream. "There's more to my life then just Yale."
"Name one thing that's keeping you here." He challenges.
"Name one thing that will motivate me to leave." She counters.
He's never once told her that he loves her. Never made it seem like they could be more then what they are. And she needs more then that.
Eyes are still locked together. Brown meet brown in a clash of anger and defiance. Old memories surge through both of their heads. Recollections of fights, of dalliances in gardens, of picking the forbidden fruit, of lying, cheating, manipulation, ecstasy, rage, love and heartache. It's all there, and it flashes through their minds as they stand in silence. The bad memories outnumber the good by far.
They are Romeo and Juliet born again, except that this time it isn't their families keeping them apart. It's fate itself.
Fate allows them lingering glances, hands brushing, eyes straying. It allows yearning, secrecy and passion... But it always puts a halt to their relationship progressing. Something always happens, and then things are set into motion. It's like a chain of events, each catastrophe happening one by one by one: Cotillions, Baby Scandals, Gossip Girl, Weddings, Helipads, The Hamptons, British Lords, I Love You's, Chases, Seductions, Games, Funerals and Rooftops.
It's a mess. It's painful, and raw, and life affirming. But it's theirs. Chuck's and Blair's. Blair's and Chuck's.
Inevitable, Chuck had once called them. Something that's definitely going to happen. Something that can't be avoided or prevented.
She whispers it now, quietly, almost to herself. But he hears. Like always.
"That's one reason." He tells her. "Rack your brains Waldorf, there's more."
So she does.
Define like
–
You don't belong with Nate. Never have. Never will
–
I was scared that if we spent the whole summer together then you'd see...
–
Tomorrow's another day
–
I'll just imagine she's you
–
For You? Anytime
–
I wouldn't change us. Not if it meant losing what we have
It's then that she realizes. He's never said the words 'I love you', but he's shown her that he does on countless occasions. He holds her when she's sad, he comforts her the way no one else can, not even her father or Serena, and he knows her better then anyone else.
She softens, briefly, but then more memories surge forward. Ones in which he goes against the previous soft caresses and caring words.
"I don't know Chuck. You say one thing and do the other." She's tired. So, so tired. All she wants to do is go to sleep and wake up five years ago when everything was so simple. When they were just the Non-Judging-Breakfast-Club. "If I went with you, how do I know that it wont be the same as it has been the past few months? How it's been for all of our screwed up... relationship."
"It won't be." Chuck promised, he moved in closer to the her until the moonlight from the window cast an eerie silhouette around his head and body.
Blair shivered again.
Chuck watched her closely, "Someone's walking over your grave."
"What?" Blair frowned in confusion.
"I used to have this nanny when I was small," Chuck sat down on the bed and smiled faintly. "Margarete, that's what she used to say whenever anyone shivered. Someone's walking over your grave." He shrugged. "I never really understood it."
Blair sighed and slowly eased herself down onto the bed beside him. "What are we doing Chuck?"
"Moving on?" Chuck ventured, "Growing up? Hopefully leaving the country in the next few hours?" He said it lightly but she could hear a tinge of annoyance and nervousness in his tone.
Blair glared at him. "I'm serious. You can't just turn up at my door and expect me to run away with you. I mean, I do have a boyfriend –"
Chuck scoffed, "Nathaniel is not your boyfriend. He's just a comforting reminder of your past." He snarled at her reprovingly. "Most girls would hunt down an old stuffed animal, but no, you have to go for the brainless ex."
" – and you have... Vanessa." Her mouth curled up in distaste as she said the name.
"Dearest Vanessa will be euphoric if she hears that I've left and that you're with me. Then she only has to fight off Little Jenny Humphrey and Penelope until she can claim her prize as a future Archibald wife."
Jealousy sparked in her as she glowered at him, and she knew that it wasn't the idea of Vanessa marrying Nate that caused it. "Dearest?" She asked sharply. "If she's so dear to you then why are you here instead of the slums of Brooklyn."
Chuck looked weary as he gave her another pointed glance. "Waldorf can we not do the whole jealousy thing tonight? I really don't have the patience to listen to you blabbering on about how happy you are with Nate and how much you love him. Quite frankly it's boring, and while jealousy does suit you, repetitiveness does not. Also I've just about exhausted my arsenal of complements for Vanessa. She's hot, sure, but there's no fire. No passion. Which, if you think about it, is rather obsolete for a relationship fueled entirely on anger and resentment."
Blair nodded mutely as he continued. The time for idle games has past. And if she's honest, that's all her relationship with Nate was. A game. Even if she didn't realize it until just recently.
"You don't love Nathaniel, you love the idea of Nathaniel. And we both know that I don't feel anything for Vanessa so let's just drop that whole argument and move on to your next reason for not coming with me."
"My mother, Cyrus, Daddy... Dorota." She listed. "They'll never let me disappear with you for weeks on end. Especially now they've started worrying about my future."
"I'm not exactly talking about weeks Waldorf," Chuck said quietly.
Blair's eyes widened. "Months?" She asked anxiously.
He shook his head.
Blair gulped, "Years?"
He doesn't say anything but she knows him well enough to take his silence as an answer.
She puts her head in her hands and shakes her head rapidly. "No Chuck, you can not do this. No!"
"When I leave tonight," Chuck said calmly, "I won't ever be coming back."
She looked at him, tears brimming in her eyes, "This is my choice? You, or everyone and everything else that I care about?"
He looked away. "I'm sorry."
Blair let out a shaky laugh. "My life, or Chuck Bass. You're really going to make me choose?"
He nodded. "I'm sorry." He repeated, getting to his feet and taking a small white envelope out from his jacket pocket and placing it on the bed. "If you do decide to come with me, my plane leaves at 3:30am. Gate 3. JFK. Meet me there." He left without another word.
Blair watched him go as her body wracked with silent sobs and as her brain went a mile a minute. She had to make the hardest decision that she had ever had to make, and he had given her less then three hours in which to do it in. This thought made her cry harder.
After a few minutes she tried to calm herself down enough to think rationally. She had an ultimatum, the boy who knew her better then anyone, or the family that she was just getting close to. It was a test question, multiple choice.
Option B had security, safety. It held all of her hopes and dreams of the future, she hadn't gotten into Yale, but she had just been accepted into NYU. Nate was in the city, and Serena would only be a few hours drive away come Fall. Her Mom and Cyrus would be on hand if she ever needed help, and Dorota, her beloved second mother, was always by her side. But no Chuck.
Option A was the wild card, it was reckless, and dangerous, and risky... Anything could happen to her. Flying from place to place, never stopping long enough to set down roots, constantly wondering where life would bring her next... That wasn't Blair Waldorf, was it? Sure, she'd have Chuck. Maybe. But he wasn't exactly the most stable person in the world, and who was to say that he wouldn't just break her heart again?
Really, she reasoned to herself, the whole idea was preposterous. It didn't even warrant thinking about. Chuck was being overly-dramatic as usual. He wouldn't leave. He couldn't. Could he?
She let out a deep sigh before hitting her head against the wall of the room, closing her eyes as she did so. She needed to think.
Some time later, she got to her feet and looked around at the familiar comforting reminders of her past. The blue-gray walls, the portrait of the Victorian lady, the notice board with all of her photos and keepsakes on it. Her half-open drawer that housed the headbands that she loved so much. Her DVD collection. Her bed. She had laughed, cried, and loved in this room.
And she knew what she had to do.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Chuck stood alone at the front gates of the vast airport. Very little people were there at this hour, some businessmen, some younger men and women excited about traveling for the first time... But no Blair.
He looked at his watch frustratedly. She had less then ten minutes to arrive before the plane had to be boarded.
A few minutes later he let out a sigh of anguish before picking up his carry-on luggage and turning to enter through the gate. He was just handing in his boarding pass when he heard a voice behind him.
"Chuck."
He spun around and locked eyes with her. Her eyes were red rimmed and she was sniffling, but she carried a small red handbag with her. Wordlessly she too handed her boarding pass to the clerk.
"I didn't think you were coming," He choked out. "I was about to give up."
"Bass' don't give up." Blair said briskly. "And neither do Waldorf's." She took a deep breath. "I had to make a stop first."
His eyes softened as he attempted to brush a stray tendril of hair from off her face. She flinched away.
"Don't." She said harshly, glaring at him through her now tear filled eyes. "Just.... don't."
He nodded slowly, before turning to face the gate again. He walked through it with Blair at his side. They could do this, he told himself. They at least had to try.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Earlier That Night...
"Blair!" Serena called, rushing to embrace her friend."There you are, I've been calling all night. Nate and Eric haven't found him yet but they're still looking. Dan's with them now."
Blair stifled a sob as she held Serena close.
Serena frowned and pulled back slightly, "B? What's wrong? Is it Chuck? Are you worried about him?"
Blair shook her head, unable to meet Serena's eye.
"Then what is it?"
"I couldn't..." Blair tried, "I needed to say--"
"Say what?" Serena asked probingly. "Blair you can tell me anything, you know that."
"Goodbye." Blair choked finally, clutching at Serena's hands tightly.
Serena's eyes widened. "Blair, what's going on? Why are you saying goodbye? I'm not going anywhere."
Blair just shook her head frantically, brushing back her tears with the back of her hand.
"You're scaring me, B." Serena said fearfully. "Tell me what's happened! I can fix it."
"No." Blair said, regaining her voice. "You can't. Not this time." She smiled wanly at her best friend.
When she spoke next it was almost to herself. "I had a choice, you see? It was either him or my life here. And," She swallowed thickly. "I've tried living without him before. It – it didn't work. I was always thinking about him, and wondering if he was okay – I can't do it again, do you understand that? It's just too hard. I'm strong, S, but it's all just too much."
"What are you saying Blair?" Serena asked quietly. She scanned Blair's face anxiously. "You've seen Chuck tonight haven't you? You know where he is."
Blair buried her face in the taller blonde's shoulder. Her voice was muffled against the linen of Serena's shirt. "Tell Nate that I'm sorry, and that he'll always be my first love and one of my closest friends. And tell my Mom that I love her and that I'm safe."
"Blair!"
She gave her friend one last tight squeeze before pulling away and hurrying towards the door, wiping away a fresh set of tears.
Serena stared blankly at her back. "I'll stall them." She said suddenly.
Blair turned around. "What?"
"When they realize that you're missing too, it won't take them long to figure out what's happened. I'll stall them."
Blair sniffled as she met her best-friends eyes, "I love you S."
Serena smiled faintly as tears ran silently down her face. "Love you too B. Always."
________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N - So you may have noticed my penname has changed... among other things. I have a note up on my profile about the other things, and I'm feeling pretty great about those, even though it will take a bit of hard work to keep it up.
Anyway, R&R on this, I really would appreciate feedback no matter how big or how small. If you're confused by this, don't worry things will make themselves clearer as time goes on. The next chapter will be set in the future, as will the majority of these, but there will be flashbacks telling Blair and Chuck's story in between as well.
Please do check out the note on my profile, and feel free to PM me at any time if you have any questions on my stories or anything really.