Draco Malfoy was in the owlery, contemplating his situation. It was his third year, and the other boys in the dorm had started bragging about their sexual exploits. Draco, however, had nothing to brag about, and simply couldn't contribute. Of course, he thought, he could have made something up. But it somehow didn't feel right. Needing to lie where others could tell the truth? The mere thought was anathema to him.
To think that that neanderthal Goyle had been blatantly showing him up, kissing Millicent in the common room, well, it rankled him just a little bit. But what rankled him even more was the nasty responses he had gotten whenever he asked a girl to do the same, and more, with him. Why did Gregory Goyle, the oafish lump, get all the good stuff? True, Draco had tried asking Tracey for a little loving. And he thought that it had worked when she stepped closer. Until she hit him right in his nose, that is. Even thinking of the humiliation made Draco blush with shame. And Goyle, who really wasn't any handsome, had simply walked up to Millicent, asking her for a kiss, and receiving it. It was truly a horrible situation. But what could Draco do?
An owl flew through the window. Draco registered it subconsciously, and then he jumped. It was the owl of that blood traitor Peter Weasley, or whatever that no good Muggle lover's name was. Draco didn't remember, and he didn't rightly care. All he cared about was the owl. Hermes, wasn't that it's name? And wasn't it rumoured that Hermes was a hermaphrodite owl? Interest peaked, Draco decided to have a little look. It was a majestic bird; proud and tall, with a coat of black feathers, and mighty wings protruding from its back. But what interested Draco was the genitals. Was the rumour true? Was Hermes truly a hermaphrodite? He looked, but didn't see much. He needed to be at more of an angle, he decided. So he crouched underneath the owl's purch, and to his amazement it seemed the rumours were true. There was the Willy one would expect, but there was also a hole! Draco started to turn away, his suspissions confirmed. Oh, what torment he had in store for "Saint Peter", the filthy scoundrel! He could only imagine too well how he would wipe the sanctimonious smirk from the blood traitor's face the next time he tried catching Draco acting like a rambunctious rascal.
That was when his second idea of the night hit him. Draco had gotten slightly aroused by looking at Hermes' majestic body. And maybe this could solve another of his problems? After all, there was nobody around. And none of the lads needed to know that the first time Draco was bragging about, was, in fact, not with a girl! No, he could just tell them, proud as a rooster, that he had lost his virginity. And it would all be true! Why should he restrain himself, after all, when none of the girls in school thought him even slightly pretty, and just went after Potty and Goyle instead? Come to think of it, they didn't even deserve him! Not knowing what they were missing was no excuse not to get some good lovin' from a Malfoy's fireman!
He turned back to Hermes. Experimentally he probed the owl's hole open with his littlest finger. If he could take that, he definitely could take Draco's trouser snake too.
When Draco finished, he walked proudly back to the common room, knowing that he was the first in his dorm to lose his virginity. It was truly sweet to be a Malfoy, and the deed he had just commited only reinforced his belief that he, Draco, was the greatest Don Juan to ever grace Hogwarts with his presence. The fact that his lover had dropped brownies in his mouth did nothing to wipe away Draco's shit eating grin.