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My nails are now down to nibs as I watch.
I don't want to...but my eyes just won't budge.
Doesn't he know?
Doesn't he know what he's doing to me?
That the more he does that, the more he cracks my soul to simple shards and discards a piece at a time.
And every time he...d-does it…
….every...time....
I wish it was me...
I wish, it was...me!
It should be me!
It is me!
The shell...but not the soul...
I lean forward, hands to mouth, watching. Studying.
She's faking.
It's a shame the sounds not up to verify, but I don't need it.
I can already tell, by the look on her face. See, there it goes! and...I saw that!
She smirked.
She's laughing.
At him?
A-a-at me?
...
He jolts, and so do I. I jump and have to blink to escape the risk of plummeting into a full blown fantasy. Eventually the kick begins to float from my mind and opts to shoot through every vessel pertaining to me. I shiver a natural reaction to the prickles that arise on my skin.
I should stop.
I don't want the feeling that always comes every time they do this.
But I can't tear my eyes away.
And before I have the chance, he does it again and that's it for me.
The erratic throb returns and my temperature shoots approximately seven degrees higher. But before my heart begins to beat steadily out of my chest, it settles to his rhythm and so does the pulsating.
The sudden rush and then settle of everything flares up in my body as if somebody just lit a lighter and shut it off again.
My temperature's slow to catch up to the new timid atmosphere and I feel the discomfort of my slowly cooling body warmth.
For the moment, nothing interesting happens, they remain at their pace and therefore give me the chance to breath. As easy as it gets in the basement anyways.
I suck all my air in and let it out in an agitated whoosh.
'Why's it so damn hot in here!' My ratty voice, snaps to the air….and the dust...and itself...
I lean across to slap the fan on.
Hmhm...
Fan...
The term is disgraceful.
It's not what I am.
Those three letters just don't sum it up.
The passion, the lust and the love...that I feel for him...
But does he care?
Does he realise?
Does he know?
My eyes can't wait to skate back to what they shouldn't.
If only he knew...
If he knew...?
'AHAHAH! Oh...Michael!' I laugh hysterically as I am granted a succinct vision of his horrified face.
If he knew...what would his face look like?
I imagine and howl again.
He makes me laugh...you know...
*sigh*
You don't have a clue do you?
Not him.
You.
*sigh*
- It's a Camera!
A camera? Just a camera?
-No! Not just a camera! It's my lifeline!
Your life- Oh your lifeline? What could this! This-!
-This what?
This! This as in everything! Why are you so-
-So so so what? So obsessed?
YES!
-I'm not! He's just a very important factor of my life!
YOU DONT KNOW HIM!
-Oh mom, mom-
BUT YOU DON'T!
-I do-
YOU DON'T!
-I know him! I know him better than anyone-!
This is stupid preteen behaviour Roxanne!
-Shut up, just shut up! You don't know anything!
I have a good mind to get the police involved!
-GET OUT!
The brief yet very concise argument with mother, flits through my mind as my eyes twitches.
She doesn't have a clue about the intricate connection we share.
She says it's one-sided.
I say she's a b*tch.
No-one understands. No-one but us.
*sigh*
Still don't get it?
Okay...
A camera...
Positioned perfectly above everything in his room. Nothing is ever missed under my surveillance and under its watchful lens. It still remains unnoticed lodge in a crevice in the border of the ceiling. Slipped in perfectly by nimble hands with delicate fingers. Ones which belong to me of course.
How did I do it?
Ahhh, wouldn't you like to know.
My secret, your headache.
All I will say is that it took some doing, But how it got there is not the point. The purpose it serves, is the interesting part.
Yes! …It's a sick idea with a twisted motive, and yes, I am a perverted individual- but! Absolutely no-one can use that term on me without first laying eyes on what I have witnessed. If I'm perverted, he is tenfold.
'Yeah, aren't you sweetie?' I caw at the screen and smirk like an imp.
I unravel a ball of candy.
'Dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty...' My mouth continues and I don't have the urge to stop it. I say it to match his rhythm.
What? You ask?
What am I doing?
Why I'm watching the footage of course!
But this time...
It's live.
And what's happening on that intrusive little camera of mine?
...
I've seen a lot.
I record most of it.
And I have so many tapes! You should see my stock cupboard…
It's not always...this...
There are some normal clips as well.
Some of him reading, clipping his toe nails, talking aloud to himself and singing whilst getting dressed, you know just the casual stuff…
So I'm not a total freak!
But with the way the majority of my footage ends up being of this, it's no doubt that he is.
...
He picks up the pace.
Again again again.
The faster he goes the quicker my heart beat rises.
Just watching him has my eyes just about ready to roll backwards….
His 'woman', however, has me just about ready to pump my own guts up and out. She's enjoying it, I can tell.
But she's not supposed to.
But she's supposed to love it, to savour it, and to not be able to live without it.
Yet how does she show her appreciation?
Scream and scratch…
Yawn
How would I?
Fire and ice.
He would have the best time ever.
Guarantee!
Yet he settled for her…
My stony face soon has my narrowed eyes frozen into place. I watch. Skeptical. Judgemental. Observational.
Longingly.
...
It continues for minutes and soon it grows to be not enough. I lean forward my hand over my eyes.
If I see her weep another tear, I'm gonna-
'Scream! Ugh! Get a grip!' Again, my voice makes an uninvited emergence and the loudness of it stuns even me.
I freeze.
Is that why?
...
Because my voice isn't hers?
'Gaaaah!' I send the mini radio tumbling and then dart, knees to ground, over to the stereo in the corner.
I almost beg myself not to do it.
Not again.
Why must you do this to yourself you know better than anyone tha-
I shut my thoughts out as my fingers spin the dial back and forth warily.
+13
'Michael!'
0
Silence.
+11
'Oh god!'
-12
Nothing.
+8
'Baby!'
'Aaaaaargh!' It's my turn to scream as I hear the sounds that they make.
The small wooden side table goes smashing against the wall….
'DO YOU KNOW?'
….And then the chair joins it….
'DO YOU KNOW THAT I CAN SEE?'
…Then the mini radio that thought it was safe from harms way on the ground is next to feel my wrath as I kick and stomp on it….
'Do you know about all of the sleepless nights that i-'
'Please slow down...' She whimpers.
I halt dead in place and then snap my neck towards the screen.
They've stopped.
Or more like paused for a breather.
He's looking down at her.
Gazing.
I rush over and sit cross legged, face to screen like a child. Fingers twisting in anticipation.
I watch, revolted as he sends a caring finger down and strokes her face.
Huh?
'Don't you dare go soft on me!' I scream.
My eyes scale his beautiful body and my eyes flutter before...
'Sweetie...'
I collapse to the ground, only to crawl my way frantically back to the stereo and press my ear into it, as far as it will go, I strain. I could turn the volume up but it sounds so beautiful at this level.
He doesn't say anything for a while and I take the risk of switching ears so that I can see him on screen as well as hear him.
He rubs her hand in his giant one and then leans in really low.
'We can go slow if you want to...okay...?'
I have to shallow out my breathing to avoid melting right down to a puddle in the middle of the floor already heavy set with dust and such.
He's so...
'You alright now?'
She nods like a dummy, left 'breathless' by his concern.
'You wanna continue?'
Obviously.
'Yes.' She says.
I slap a hand to my forehead.
This is a disaster!
She's ruining it all with her whining!
Oh Michael, it hurts...
Well how the heck is he supposed to have a good time if you won't let him-
'Okay...'
His voice breaks all train of thought once again, and I am subjected to leaning in once again… But he has nothing more to say.
They presume their activities.
It takes a while before I rise from the ground and fall into my one piece sofa again. Square in front of them.
Perfect view of the happy couple.
Hey look at us!
Honey moon and we didn't even have the decency to book a hotel on the other side of the world and spare your eyes the kindred torture.
Why?
He has the money!
So why?
Never mind.
I promise myself I'll be good.
And I watch in silence.
You know once they finish, it's official right?
There's no going back!
Consummation.
'Shhhhh...' I hiss like a punctured tire and push the thought to the back of my mind.
I eat the candy, eye stinging as I try to focus on how much I 'don't care'.
I know the truth. I can be patient. He said it himself. So that's good enough for me….
…Up until he grabs her hand and there it is!
My throat almost closes up with the abrupt need to gasp in anguish.
The two rings glint in unison, teasing my mind and pushing it over board. I feel the sizzle go from tip to toe and back again, my body shakes as my eyes widen and stare.
I didn't forget.
How could I?
I just never expected to see them so clearly...
I think as they continued to shine. Flashing before my eyes…
They trigger it.
Before I can take the chance to rethink I jump to my feet.
'What are ya doin Roxanne?'
'Come on guys I have got to get a better view!'
I breathe deeply and look about myself before tearing off up the stairs to the ground floor of my house.
'Girl your crazy'
'Oh come. On. This is once in a life time chance!'
'Hmm…'
My steps thunder as I sprint towards my stock cupboard. The shelves are supported with wood and rope. Perfect!
'Come on simmone, you know this better than anyone! Will you come with? Please please please!'
'Uhhh...'
I tug and tug but to no avail. I know just what will do the trick!
'Okay! But you owe me big time Roxy!' We squeeze painfully throught the crowd.
I return knife in hand. I consider the object that I'm holding.
I could...
But that's just too easy.
I turn back and grasp the rope.
'Is this really worth it?' She shouts above the crowd.
'Yes! There he is!' The whole crowd seems to roar and shove even harder towards him, were practically crushed, being at the forefront of the commotion.
It snapps with a dramtically loud cracking sound and immediate all the tapes come sailing to the ground, I immediatley aim to swim to the top of the pile.
'Over here! Over here!' I scream at the top of my lungs and eventually he focuses on our side of the rowdy crowd.
He does the sweetest hand gestures to calm the crowd but of course it just drives 'em nuts.
He smirks.
I manage to get to the top and begin to drag the rope and untie it until its competely free and in my hands.
'Okay, alright, calm down everyone, calm down.' He says in his soft supple voice and then he spots me. And looks! For a good while! Up and down. He's checkin me out! I resist the urge to faint!
I run back to the basement and drop the rope in the couch before remembering something and rushing back upstairs again.
Tripping as I go.
'Hey pretty lady, what's your name?' Polite rehearsed lines that he gives to all the fans but when he says them to me I can see the real sense of intrigue on his face. While he signs away I catch the naughty sideways look that he sends to my flat stomach.
His lips sink between his teeth as proof of what he's thinking.
I can't speak.
I trip back down the stairs cursing as I go and when I finally land, I don't hesitate to put the trembling pen to the paper that I am now holding. It takes a while before I finish and then I grab the envelope.
Dear…Michael…
'What's wrong cat got your tongue?'
Silence.
'Awww...' He says and then shuts the book and hands it back to me with a shrug but he makes a mistake. The biggest one he coud ever make. Instead of quickly handing it back and moving on, he deliberatley stops and makes sure to graze his long fore finger against the side of my hand.
That was it.
The sparks blew up!
There was no chance of me staying back now. He barely turned to the next fan before I was over that fence, under that guards arm and into his.
The feeling was indescribable.
I fold the note and place it in the envelope, on the table that I have now bothered to reorder. Everythings set and now it's do or don't time. I turn slowly towards the sofa.
I'm weeping in his arms by now like the biggest loser on the planet! But he's embracing me so tight I'm beyond caring. All I care about is his shampoo as I reach up and rake my fingers through his curls, eyes rolling back, completely absorbed in the moment.
Do it. Do it! It's the only way!
'Hey lady-' his body guard attempts to put an end to it all. I grab tighter instinctively.
'No ted, leave her' he says so perfectly.
But what if-
No buts! He said it! So do it!
I held onto him so tightly and knowing that there was now no chance of me releasing him. He lets me for a minute or two before saying in a calm voice.
'Girl...you know you gotta let go sooner or la-'
'I'm not letting go!'
I wipe my nose and snatch the rope, eyes watering as I do so. I scale the ceiling for the perfect spot.
'Come on, you have to let go some time-'
'No nahh I'm not letting go!' I state frantically and to my suprise he doesn't shove me of, but instead, he holds me even tighter and bends down and sniffs my hair. By now the jealous crowd are going haywire. He doesn't seem to care as he sneaks his lips through my hair and whispers in my ear.
'Mmm girl you smell so good...Marry me...'
I freeze in his grip.
Stricken.
I drag the wooden chair and place it firmly underneath a beam.
I stand on top and secure the knot.
'W-w-what?' I ask for his confirmation.
He's not serious.
'What you don't wanna be my beautiful bride? Because you are beautiful.' My bones are chattering by now I can't make sense of anything.
He's serious.
'Hey! That's not fair!' Someone shouts from the crowd and much to my annoyance causes the bodyguard to come back again, but before I have to kick and scream, Michael turns his back on the guard.
'Haaaaang on Ted.' He says playfully, clearly not done with me.
I glare at the rope, it's been 5 minutes and I have now managed to convince myself that it's a stupid idea. I turn around but only to be face with the same view of them on the TV. They are not the least bit concerned about me…but they will be…
I swallow hard and race back towards the chair.
Do it! My mind says and I squint my eyes before placing one foot on the chair again.
'B-b-but michael that would never work I mean...you're a star and im-'
'Shhhh baby, it will work, one day'
'But what if you have feelings for someone else I mean what if you get married-? Oof!' He drags me closer one last time before whispering in my ear again.
'Then if not in this life, the next...'
My other foot sends me up and also causes my head to fit through the loop perfectly. I can't breathe and my heads all fuzzy. What the hell am I doing?
'...but for right now...'
I sigh out and then close my eyes licking my now chapped, dry lips.
It will be fine, it will work out. He said it himself…Trust him.
'Just right now, you have to let go...let gooo...'
The echo of his sweet voice is the last thing I hear before the tighten and stretch of the rope and then the final clatter of my wooden chair.
The eyes close.
The body twitches.
The soul is taken to a new height.
And then, it's complete.
'I love you so much.'
'I love you more.'
He reaches up, exaughsted, and then as if in applause.
*Clap Clap*
The lights go out.
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