Chapter 1
Where does my happiness lie?
Authors Note: I just want to give a big thanks to FourthImpact for helping me get this story out here..."Sniff"..."Sniff"...you've been a rock dude you really have! "Begins to wail like a child"
Reviews are most welcome.
Also picture idea by me, made by the wonderful DeviantArt artist Zoe-sp, thanks muchly!
Disclaimer:Wait what? you mean i don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion? damn that was some crazy dream i had then...or was it?
Seriously though, i don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any characters connected with it.
Tokyo-3 lay desolate and silent in the now apocalyptic landscape that surrounded it. The vast city, once bustling with activity, was nothing more than a graveyard housing the splattered remains of the now merged populace. The remains of the city were, however, beautiful in comparison to the nightmarish vista just on the outskirts of the city. The enormous head of Lilith, formerly Rei Ayanami, lay half submerged in the Sea of LCL, the one eye left to her staring manically out towards Tokyo-3. Surrounding the near vicinity of Lilith and the beach were the crucified forms of the Mass Production Eva series, now forever shut off, the blood red sea lapping gently at their feet. The nearby beach was not by any means a real beach; it was mostly made of dirt and mud. Small wooden posts stood erect in the mud as gravestones to those who had been lost to the Sea of LCL.
Lying on the beach was the body of a young boy, Shinji Ikari. The young boy's clothes and hair were slightly matted from previously emerging from the sea of LCL and was trying his best not to breathe in too much due to the fact that the LCL smelled of blood. He stared directly upwards, unwilling to look in the direction of the disembodied head that had driven him mad; he was sure that his sanity would be lost once more if he looked into her eyes again. Ever since Shinji's reformation into one mind, his memories had become addled. There were some things he remembered and some he had forgotten, Rei Ayanami and how her true form Lilith had terrified him being one of them. Returning to individuality had also numbed his perception of time, even though he had been lying on the beach for merely a day or two, Shinji himself believed he had been there for weeks, months even, and the loneliness in his heart threatened to drive him over the edge again.
The thought of falling into madness again brought back the awful memories of how he had lost his mind the first time, the final straw being the death of Asuka and Unit 02. Upon seeing Unit 02's dismembered corpse being carried by the MP Eva's, Shinji did not need to be a qualified Nerv scientist to know what had happened to Asuka.
In what would be her final battle Asuka had brought herself back from the pit of despair, accompanied by an incredibly high synch ratio and had decimated the JSSDF and had apparently defeated the MP Evas with ease, but it wasn't to be. The MP Evas regenerated their bodies with help from their S2 engines and launched a prototype Lance of Longinus that had pierced Unit 02, just as her power had run out, and Asuka Langley Sohryu was left to the mercy of the Eva series. With her synch ratio so high, Asuka was torn apart with her beloved Unit 02 and finally impaled by all nine of the prototype Lances.
Knowing this, Shinji couldn't believe that this horrible fate had befallen Asuka, the girl he cared for, and so his mind had fallen into darkness, though this wasn't the only factor.
A hollow and barely audible laugh escaped Shinji's lips as he thought, "It...it all...started with Asuka...and ended with Asuka."
Shinji's mind began to wander further back into the past as he thought of Asuka's mind rape at the hands of the fifteenth Angel, Arael, and of course Kaworu, A.K.A Tabris, whom Shinji had to kill. These events, coupled with Asuka's horrific demise, had contributed to Shinji losing the will to go on. He knew there was more to it than that but his brain refused to yield his memories to him. Even with all these events in his mind, Shinji could not stop thinking about the fiery red head he had cared for, his mind drifting back to when his despair began.
"I HATE YOU SHINJI, I HATE EVERYTHING!" cried Asuka.
Shinji stared at the German girl's back, shocked by her rage. Asuka had just been extracted from Unit 02's entry plug and she had been in a black mood ever since, though Shinji knew this was not the usual moody Asuka, she was more agitated than normal. He knew that the Angel had attempted to study her mind and he had come to her filled with concern. Shinji had come wishing only to help, though now he was beginning to feel as if his presence was making things worse.
"Don't say that Asuka, you don't mean it" said the boy lamely.
Within an instant, Asuka was up on her feet and was within centre metres of Shinji's face, her expression one of pure hatred.
"What do you know about me, Ikari?" she said calmly. "How do you know I don't mean that? You think that you know me and how my mind works? You think you know me so well? I can't believe how arrogant you are!"
"I-I-It's not arrogance... I just w-w-want to help you Asuka," stammered Shinji, frightened by her anger.
At Shinji's remark, Asuka's voice raised an octave as her anger reached its boiling point.
"Oh you wanted to help me, did you Shinji?" she asked. "Where were you when that thing was...defiling... defiling my mind, where were you then?"
Shinji could only stammer as Asuka continued her tirade. Commander Ikari had held Shinji back from leaving Nerv but now that Asuka had confronted him about it he began to realise he could easily have disobeyed his instructions and at least try to help Asuka.
"Instead of the Invincible Shinji coming to my rescue, it was Wondergirl and I'd rather have died inside my Unit 02 than let her rescue me!"
"But Ayanami was only trying to help you, Asuka!" wailed Shinji.
"I don't need her help and I don't need you either, I don't need anyone!"
"But Asuka I care about you, your my-"
A resounding slap rang out as a red mark appeared across his face. Shinji turned his head around slowly to face Asuka and he could see her face was a mixture of emotions, mainly anger.
"Liar." She said her voice barely above a whisper.
Finishing, Asuka turned and stormed off, and for just a second Shinji could swear that he had seen tears in her eyes.
Shinji stood staring at the spot Asuka had occupied moments before, tears stinging his eyes from Asuka's slap.
"Does she really feel that way about me? Does she really hate me that much?"He thought to himself.
Shinji brought his hand up to his cheek where Asuka had slapped him and rubbed the spot gently.
"Why do I have to feel this way about HER, why did it have to be Asuka Langley Soryu that I...that I fell for? I mean she probably doesn't even like me. All she ever does is insult me and treat me like an idiot. All I wanted to do was help her and she slapped me for it. Maybe I am the weird pervert Asuka claims that I am all of the time –it's the only thing that could explain my liking someone who hurts me so much."
Shinji shifted his gaze to the slumped form of Evangelion Unit 02, cranes and other machinery preparing to move it back to Nerve HQ.
"But do I hurt her too? I wish that I knew, all I want is to help her. I want to know what she went through during that attack because maybe it's the same thing I went through when I became a part of Unit 01, then I could help her."
Shinji's eyes misted over as he turned away from Unit 02 his expression becoming pained.
"But as usual she just pushes me away.Why did she react like that? Why does she always get so angry? It's as if she expects me to understand her and when I don't..."
Shinji began to move off in the direction of Misato's car as his thoughts continued to swirl.
"She'll never care about me the way I care for her. She'll never let me in. I'm just a worthless, pathetic coward, so what's the point?"
Shinji's thoughts trailed off as he entered Misato's car. In no time, the Major arrived and they left for home, Asuka having to leave for a check-up at Nerv HQ. As Shinji watched the scenery whizz by as the Major drove in her usual lunatic manor, Shinji had his last thought on Asuka-
"Probably best just to leave her be for now."
As Misato took a sharp corner and his face and the passenger window formed an intimate relationship.
"Why do you think of Pilot Soryu, Ikari?"
The voice was familiar and seemed to resonate in Shinji's mind, though he couldn't seem to place where he had heard it before. The voice's soft, feminine and emotionless tones almost seemed to be caressing Shinji's mind, and he was immediately filled with peace, but this was soon replaced by fear. Why was he frightened of that voice and why couldn't he remember it?
"Who...who are you?"he called out.
"I am no one. I am complete and at peace with my existence and I merely wish to help you, Ikari."
The voice fell silent at this, as if believing that what it had said was an adequate response. Shinji accepted the answer for the time being and waited for the voice to speak again.
"Why do you think of Pilot Soryu, Ikari?" the voice repeated.
"Because...because I miss her...and I need her...I want Asuka." He replied.
"But why? She has always treated you with contempt. What makes you think that SHE would want YOU?"
The voice's response did give Shinji pause. Why did he want Asuka back? She had never treated him with any kind of respect nor had she indicated any form of desire for him.
"I know all about your little jerk-off fantasies about me , go on do it like you always do, I'll even stand here and watch; but if I can't have you all to myself, then I don't want anything from you!"
The memory of Asuka and her statement reminded Shinji of Instrumentality. Every person in the world had joined together as one, and therefore they had all of each other's memories. There were things that Shinji knew of Asuka that no one had ever told him, things about her mother, her step-mother, so surely that must mean that what Asuka had said was true.
Surely it meant that Asuka herself had admitted to wanting him?
"Because she cares about me like a care for her, because when she's here I'll know where my happiness lies."
The voice seemed to consider this as silence once again fell over the beach, it only being broken by the sounds of LCL lapping gently at the dirt and mud.
"But what if your happiness lies in loneliness? What if you find that is what makes you truly happy?"the voice whispered, suddenly.
"I was never very happy being alone when there were people in the world and I don't suppose it would be any different if I were the last person alive," he replied.
"Is it out of a selfish desire on your part not to be alone or do you truly want Pilot Sohryu by your side?"the voice whispered.
"Yes, of course I do, of course I want Asuka, we know each other well, even more so now. I know that I hurt her and I know that I was wrong to think that she didn't care, but I can't spend all the life left to me wishing I could change that. I have to move forward." Thought Shinji.
There was a moment of silence, and when the voice replied Shinji could sense the smile in the voice as it spoke.
"Then so be it. I wish you and Soryu luck."
Shinji was confused, what did the voice mean was Asuka going to be brought back or not? Turning his head Shinji stared out at the floating corpses of the crucified MP Eva Series, it took a while but as Shinji stared at their faces, he recognised the voice.
"Aya...Ayanami...Rei."
All at once Shinji's courage and determination came screeching to a halt as memories of Ayanami and her transformation into Lilith came back to the forefront of his mind, he began to remember why he had feared her voice and doubt and indecision began to plague his thoughts. All the confidence he had in him that told him that Asuka would accept his love and return it dissipated as he remembered what Rei and his mother had told him before he returned to one form, that everyone with the will strong enough to return, would. But Shinji had been here for so long, or so he believed, and no one and returned, had Rei lied to him? Had his own mother lied to him? Was she doing this to be cruel? After all, his mother had been the one in control of Unit 01 when it had gone berserk and had activated the Eva without need for a pilot on several occasions, the final time being when the Eva had been encased in Bakelite. That time the Eva had waited until Asuka had been brutalised and torn apart before it had broken free and allowed Shinji to pilot it. Could he really trust what Ayanami or his Mother had told him? Could he put his trust in anyone ever again?
"I don't know. Instrumentality...was it the real Asuka that talked to me or...or was it my mind like in the Sea of Dirac?"
Shinji's doubts began to overwhelm him as fear of loneliness and being rejected also began to swallow him up. It was then that it hit him; the Asuka that he had seen and that had told him that she wanted him had been his perception of Asuka. In short, Instrumentality hadn't been initiated at that point.
"No, I couldn't take her rejecting me, I don't want to feel worthless again!"
he screamed in his head.
Shinji's expression became harrowed as his eyes widened, he knew that pain and anguish were as much a part of life as pleasure and happiness, but he couldn't accept the thought of Asuka still hating him. Hearing a soft splashing sound Shinji turned his head in the direction the noise had come from, catching sight of Rei standing upon the surface of the water.
"No, please Ayanami I don't want Asuka back, I don't want to hear her say those words again!"he pleaded in his mind.
I hate you Shinji
As Rei disappeared Shinji sat up and continued to stare at where she had been. Slowly, he became aware of something in his peripheral vision, turning his head to see the form of Asuka Langley Soryu staring up at the stars, her beautiful blue eyes seeming almost lifeless.
Shinji stared at the girl for a while, unsure of what to do. The fear of rejection and being hated was becoming stronger as millions upon millions of scenarios scrolled through the young boy's head, all ending the same way, with Asuka rejecting him. Shinji's whole body began to tremble as he looked over the young redhead's body, hugged tightly by her red entry plug suit. Asuka's wounds from the Eva series had been bandaged; her arm in a cast and her right eye wrapped, but for some reason it did not detract her from her beauty. Shinji began to feel a mix of fear and arousal as he stared at her, his attraction to Asuka and his fear of what she would do fighting each other to help Shinji to decide what to do. Her slim but curvaceous body was complimented by her plug suit topped off, in Shinji's opinion, by her beauty and red hair and he began to feel the same way he did when he accidentally revealed her breasts in the Nerv hospital.
Upon thinking this, the memory of his masturbation over the comatose girl flooded his mind and he knew at once that Asuka would know about this also, that she would never forgive him for dirtying her, and at long last the turmoil in Shinji's mind ceased as he decided what he should do.
"She'll just hate me and then leave me alone again; I don't want to hear those words. I'm sorry Asuka, but there are so many things that I want from you that you'll never give me!"he rationalised.
Moving from his sitting position, Shinji moved across the top of Asuka and slowly began to wrap his fingers around her neck. Shinji's attraction to the young woman resurfaced as he felt how soft her skin was and for a moment he toyed with the idea of caressing her face, his resolve, however, did not shake so easily.
"No, just get on with it Shinji, she'd only slap your hand away and call you a baka, just get...on...with it,"he thought pathetically.
As the young boy continued to stare into the German girl's eyes, his hands gripped her neck tighter, causing Asuka to gasp slightly at the pressure he was applying. Given his desperation, Shinji did not have a lot of time to notice much going on around him, but he was slightly surprised by Asuka's lack of response to his actions. Surely the amazing Asuka Langley Soryu would never want to be killed by a creature as pathetic as him?
As if in answer to his curiosity, Shinji became aware of Asuka's arm moving and her hand slowly travelling upwards towards his face. In no time at all Asuka's hand had slipped gently over his left cheek and she had begun to caress his face lovingly. As her soft, bandaged, hand stroked his face, Shinji's mind erupted in confusion.
"Why...Asuka? You don't...like me remember, you hate me...why are you doing this?"
"She likes me she really likes me!"
"Her hand is so soft"
"But she hates me she told me so herself!"
"Why didn't you lash out at me like I expected you to?"
"Why do I feel this way about you?"
Asuka's hand continued to stroke Shinji's face as her fingers traced their way to his chin, where they lingered gently before letting her arm fall to the ground.
As Asuka's hand left Shinji's face his thoughts calmed and he felt a strange clarity come over him.
"Asuka...you...you do care about me, don't you? Is this what it's liked to be loved? Does my happiness lie with you?"
As Shinji's continued to stare he felt tears sting his eyes and he could no longer keep his emotions in check anymore. The emotionless exterior he had exhibited since he removed himself from the Sea of LCL finally cracked and the young boy began to cry, his head resting gently on Asuka's stomach.
"I feel sick" said Asuka.
Asuka lay on the beach not too far away from Shinji, her body battered and bruised. Most of her wounds had been healed by her merging into one with the entire populace of the planet, although even she wasn't too sure where the bandages had come from. Her arm, which had previously been sliced in half, was aching and her eye, which had been pierced by the Lance of Longinus, was throbbing, although she wasn't too sure if he still had an eye anymore. Although her appearance suggested she was calm, she was in fact seething. Asuka was angered by Shinji and all he had done. At this moment in time Asuka despised Shinji Ikari.
"First came my death at the hands of the MP Eva's, painful and horrific,"thought Asuka. "Then came existence as a whole, as one entity, as "we" instead of "I". I was with mama again. I was in heaven. I was truly happy."
Asuka became aware of movement on her right and Shinji came into her vision, moving into position on top of her. The young boy positioned himself so that he was looking straight into Asuka's eyes; the red head herself stared right through him, as if he wasn't there.
"It would damage my pride to have to admit this to anyone, but I was grateful, thankful to Shinji for accepting Instrumentality for giving me that sweet existence, to be one with everyone; and then the First Child gave Shinji control over Instrumentality and he rejected it. I hoped that maybe I would stay merged in the Sea of LCL, but here I am, existing as one again with him."
Shinji wrapped his hands around Asuka's neck and squeezed tightly. At first surprised by both his audacity and lunacy, Asuka became filled with joy as his hands tightened. If Shinji were to kill her, perhaps she would rejoin the souls in the Sea of LCL and she would be whole again. It began to dawn on Asuka that perhaps Shinji had been changed by whatever he had experienced in Instrumentality, perhaps now he understood her.
"I would have preferred for him to understand me when the world was intact, but for once he's doing something that makes me happy."
As Shinji continued to strangle her, Asuka began to feel dizzy; stars began to dance in front of her vision. Slowly she raised her hand and caressed his face, her gift to Shinji.
"I did like you Shinji, you just never seemed to notice when I flirted with you, and I hated you when you wouldn't hold me, when you wouldn't noticed that I wanted you. I know now our flaws stopped us from being together, but it doesn't matter anymore, not now. End my suffering, mein liebe."
As Asuka's hand reached Shinji's chin she let it linger for a few moments before allowing it to fall to ground. She waited for the darkness to take her, to take her back into the arms of her mother, but it seemed that her plan had the opposite effect on the young teenager. Shinji's eyes widened to their fullest as what happened finally sank in; his hands began to tremble as he removed them from Asuka's throat. Asuka felt hot tears drop onto her face and she realised that Shinji was sobbing, his head moving to rest on her stomach.
"Maybe I was wrong,"she thought.
Shinji began to bury his head in Asuka's stomach causing her to feel sick; she had wounds on the front and back of her body from where the Eva series had impaled her, and Shinji rubbing his head was not only causing her great pain it was also making her feel incredibly nauseous.
"I feel sick." she said.
At the sound of Asuka's voice, Shinji raised his head, tears streaming across his face, and stared at her. An incredible feeling of joy overcame him to hear her voice again.
"Asuka...I'm so glad...that you're all right," he sniffed.
Asuka lifted herself up gently, wobbling slightly as she put her one good hand out to support her. Shinji, seeing her wobble, moved forward and wrapped one arm around her shoulders and the other held her hand in his own, steadying her. At Shinji's touch Asuka reacted strongly.
"Don't touch me Ikari, get your hands off me!" she screeched.
"Asuka, I was only trying to help!" shouted Shinji.
At this, Asuka scoffed and pushed Shinji away with all the strength her good arm had left and stood up.
"If you were really going to help, you'd have killed me when you had the chance," she said.
"What are you talking about Asuka? Do you want to die?" asked Shinji.
"Yes, because that existence was wonderful. Me and mama were together again and it was so much better than this."
Finishing, Asuka threw her good arm out indicating the entire area, her face contorting in disgust. Shinji summoned up all the courage he could muster. If Asuka really did care for him then he had to do all he could to keep her here, to keep her safe.
"But Asuka, that life wasn't really a life at all. Isn't it better to exist as one person and have individual thought, to be real instead of just a consciousness floating in a void?"
Asuka continued to stare at him as silence permeated the beach. Shinji stared back, his heart beating unspeakably fast, his mouth dry, all the while hearing the incessant flow of blood rushing in his ears. Would she try to kill herself just to go back to that existence? To Shinji's surprise, Asuka's face suddenly sagged and she brought her good hand up to her face and she began to rub her temples.
"Ugh, forget it, I'm in no mood for arguing and my head is pounding." Asuka said her voice barely above a whisper.
Shinji stood up and was by her side in an instant, worry etched across his face. Asuka looked up from her hand and dared him silently to put his arms around her again, though she couldn't stop herself from feeling somewhat happy that he was concerned for her.
"It's all right, Baka Shinji, I just stood up too fast," she said, reassuringly.
The tone in which she had replied to Shinji surprised not only the young boy, but Asuka herself. Why on earth was she trying to comfort him?
"Why do I care if he cares about me? I can't still...still like him...no, I don't give a...dam-"
Without warning, Asuka doubled over and began to retch, her arms now wrapped around her waist; it felt as if acid was burning through her stomach.
"Oh god, not this type of sick, it'll just make me wanna puke even more,"she thought.
Stumbling forward, Asuka was about to fall over when Shinji lurched forward and tried to catch her, but the young redhead put her hand up as if to tell him she was all right. Asuka's head began to loll around as her dizziness and nausea caused black spots to dance across her vision. She couldn't believe it, she was about to faint!
"Shinji, halten mich," she spoke in her native tongue.
Shinji caught Asuka just as she collapsed and instantly fell to the ground with her, panic beginning to grip him. As he held her Shinji proceeded to shake her.
"Asuka, Asuka!" he shouted.
Realising he was fighting a losing battle, Shinji decided it was time to leave this place and see if he could find somewhere where he could make Asuka comfortable and keep her safe. Looking around at the almost alien like environment that the world had become, Shinji decided it would be best to head up to the top of the nearest hill and scout the area out. Before he left, Shinji knelt next to the unconscious girl and raised his hand to her face. He hesitated for a second, his hand shaking gently, before caressing Asuka's cheek with his right hand. The young boy's eyes became filled with sadness as he continued to stroke her face.
"Asuka...I promise that I'll be back...I p-p-promise..." he trailed off.
Standing up, Shinji made his way to the small hill that overlooked the beach. It took a while to climb; the mud and dirt that formed the hill were wet and sludgy and he slipped several times. Reaching the top, mud encrusted and sweaty, he was shocked by the sight that met him.
It was the remains of Tokyo-3
"I thought...I thought that the JSSDF nuked it?" he whispered."But half of the city is intact; I can even see Misato's apart...ment..."
The young boys voice trailed off as he remembered Misato Katsuragi, and the last time they had met. Shaking the sad memory away Shinji decided that they may as well head for the only place they could ever really call home in this world. Having made his way back to the beach, Shinji was in the process of picking Asuka up when the memory of Misato came back to him and a thought occured to him. Picking Asuka up in piggy-back, Shinji made his way over to the makeshift graveyard he had set up.
The "graveyard" could hardly be called such a thing, due to the fact that it was made up mostly of driftwood and debris pointing towards the sky. Though they did look all similar, each "tombstone" had an identifying and unique feature; they were inscribed with the names of the people Shinji had known and missed.
"Sorry Ritsuko, Maya, Toji...well everyone really...I-I have to go now, I have to help Asuka but I promise that I'll come back and lay flowers...well if flowers still exist in this world," he said, laughing nervously as he shifted Asuka on his back. Turning slowly, Shinji looked directly at the only tombstone bearing any kind of memento, the one that stood out the most. The grave in question was adorned with a small cross shaped necklace, held onto the wooden post itself with a rusty nail. There was an inscription underneath that read
"Misato Katsuragi."
Shinji inhaled a deep breath as he continued to stare at the grave marker. Silence once again enveloped the area as the boy struggled to find the words to say. Unable to think of anything, Shinji reached out and took the small cross from its position before he finally found the words to express himself.
"Sorry for being so useless before, Misato. I hope we meet again one day."
Rei watched the retreating form of Shinji Ikari, with the pilot of Unit 02 on his back, making his way along the beach. She watched and smiled, if her knowledge of both Ikari and Soryu was correct, whilst they would argue relentlessly, they would form an unbreakable bond in this new world and they would find the happiness that they had longed for. Ayanami wondered why she cared if Shinji and the Second Child grew closer. Perhaps it was her "motherly" instincts kicking in. Whatever the reason, Rei knew that she would have to watch over them. There were many new dangers lurking in the world now and they could push both Shinji and the Second Child to their psychological limits, but she had to have faith in them.
Rei continued to stare after the retreating form of Shinji as he disappeared over a nearby hill, when the atmosphere became instantly colder. Turning this way and that, Rei noticed that the LCL had calmed and was no longer lapping at the shore; in effect the Sea of LCL had become as flat as a millpond. There was a presence, something incredible, huge even, and it filled Rei with awe and fear.
A frisson of electricity passed through her body as she became aware of a something, a presence behind her.
"No, not behind me, all around me."she thought.
It was then that it spoke.
You are an abomination of the Lilim, a facsimile of Lilith, but Lilith nonetheless
While Rei indeed knew what the being had said to her, she became aware that it had not actually used a voice to speak; it had made Rei aware of what it wanted to say by implanting the statement in her head, almost as if she had just spontaneously thought of it.
My heart and soul where wrenched from me, the lives I had cared for, the existences that I had cultivated for so long, destroyed by the whim of a child. Not only that, but the Lilim themselves desired destruction, for what may I ask? To be on par with God, to be reunited with their dead loved ones again, at the cost of their living kin. The gift of life given to them by you, Lilith, was truly wasted on them.
"What...who are you?" Rei asked
I am everything and I am nothing. It matters not what or who I am to you, what you should worry about, Lilith, is what will happen to the meagre smattering of your Progeny that still exist upon this desolate world.
It took a moment for Rei to realise what the being meant, but when she did her thoughts immediately landed on Shinji and Asuka. She could not allow Ikari's chance of happiness be ruined, not by anyone.
"You will not harm any of them," she stated flatly
They are undeserving of the gift of life, the Lilim have no respect for the sanctity and sacred value of life, and so their true judgment has been passed by the one who as has cared for them since their first ancestors were born. You need not worry about the Souls that still swim in the ocean; they will join with me and perish. My avatar will care for those that have reformed.
"Why are you telling me all this," she demanded, in her monotonous voice.
Because they are your spawn, Lilith, but they are mine by adoption. You at least have the right to know what I intend for them. I know that you still have power in this world, but I will not be stopped in my intent, your power will wax and wane, Lilith, and then the boy and the girl will be mine.
The finality in the being's statement was not lost on Rei. Her thoughts were still on Ikari and Soryu. She would have to try her best to hold whatever this being was off for as long as possible, but she would need the Second and Third Child's help eventually.
It seemed romance might have to wait...
It had taken a while, but when Shinji had finally reached the ruins of Tokyo-3, he was awestruck by just how different it had become. There were no streets anymore; they had all been covered by filth and mud, overturned cars decorating every which way. The city itself exuded an eerie silence that reminded Shinji of when he had first arrived in this city, just as the Third Angel had attacked. Looking around he noticed that most of the buildings were indeed intact, but the power had long since failed in the area. Deciding it was best to think about all this later he made his way to Misato's apartment, hoping that Asuka would still be all right, it had become cold all of a sudden and dark overhanging clouds threatened snow.
The young woman herself was still unconscious upon Shinji's back but it didn't stop her from moaning and grunting occasionally. Shinji found it cute in an odd way.
"Don't...don't...don't come near me with that pastry...not with that pastry...I said get lost Shinji. I don't want...don't want any fucking pastries...my stomach hurts..."
The tone that she had finished with reminded Shinji of a small child telling their teacher that they didn't feel well, and he could only smile. At least she wasn't having any nightmares; that at least was good.
"Don't...leave...me Shinji...please...I didn't mean it...don't leave me like...mama did...if you get me an...indigestion tablet...I'll be fine," she whispered.
Shinji didn't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for her, but decided for now to keep his concentration on getting to their home.
"Don't worry Asuka, I'll never leave you. I'm going to protect you," he said softly
As Shinji turned a corner he was met with the sight of Mistao's apartment; his shoulders sagged slightly with relief when he saw it.
"Thank god. We're here Asuka, just couple more minutes and we'll be safe and sound.
The one thing Shinji hadn't realised when he scouted out the city was just how far away it was, and just how far away Misato's apartment was from the beach. Staggering into the forecourt of the apartment complex, Shinji prepared to lay Asuka on the ground for a moment so that he could catch his breath when something caught his eye from the reception area. Picking the young girl up again, Shinji made his way into reception, stopping to push the sliding doors open manually; most doors were electronically powered. When they entered, Shinji was pleasantly surprised by what had caught his attention. Against all the dark and grey colours that made up the reception area, a vase of red and white roses stood out sitting at the main desk.
"Red roses" he said quietly."Maybe it was just human life that was extinguished."
Making a mental note to come back for them, Shinji picked Asuka up in a piggy-back once more and made his way up the stairs. The journey upwards was tiring; Shinji silently cursed both Misato for choosing the 7th floor to live on and Asuka for being so deceptively heavy.
"Jeez...ugh... for someone so skinny, Asuka, your pretty heavy," he wheezed.
Reaching the top floor, Shinji made his way to the apartment and found that he would have to open the doors manually again. After a few minutes' struggling, Shinji entered carrying Asuka and made his way to the living area, stumbling his way through complete and utter darkness. Miraculously, Shinji managed to find the sofa without injury and gently laid Asuka on it. After a couple minutes of rest, Shinji decided to take a look around. To his surprise, the apartment itself was in tip top condition; just as he liked it. Going into the kitchen, Shinji groped around in the darkness for the cupboards and eventually found what he was looking for, candles and matches.
After lighting a couple in the kitchen, Shinji set a few up in the living room, and headed to his bedroom. Emerging with several sheets and quilts, he was in the process of draping a couple over Asuka when the young woman awoke and lurched forward from her prone position on the sofa.
"Ugh...agh...OUT OF MY WAY!" she shouted
Shinji, at first surprised, realised what the matter was; she needed to be sick. Shinji decided it was best to set the living room up as a makeshift bedroom, reasoning it would be better for them to sleep together and that, curiously, the living room always seemed to be the warmest in the whole apartment. After about five minutes of tidying up and setting up, Shinji brought Asuka a glass of water. Entering, Shinji found the young red head with her head lodged in the toilet bowl, grumbling, but what really hit him was the smell of blood. Rushing over to Asuka's side the young red head pulled her head from the bowl and gave him an utterly pathetic look.
"Oh...it's not just sick Shinji...I think I'm throwing up LCL...it's worse than any other time I've been sick," she said lamely
"Here I got you a glass of water, there isn't any power in the apartment so we haven't any heating or electricity," he said." I've turned the living area into a
bedroom."
Asuka, taking a sip from the glass of water, swilled her mouth out and vomited into the bowl again. Swilling her mouth out once again, she eyed Shinji suspiciously.
"Why did you do that?"
"Well there isn't any heating and it's getting colder. The living room always seemed to be warmest, especially in the colder months, so I thought it would be better for us to sleep in there...and I thought it would be easier for me to look after you," he added, a blush coming to his cheeks.
Asuka's face contorted in a scornful expression as Shinji finished, she clearly wasn't impressed by his honest answer.
"I don't need you to look after me, Ikari, I'm fine on my own," she said
Shinji was in no mood for her anger or her scorn, and found himself matching her hateful look, much to the German girl's surprise.
"Just stop it Asuka, please!" he pleaded, his voice slightly raised. "We can't afford to keep arguing like this. We need to look out for one another now."
Asuka was taken aback by his statement, the Shinji she knew would have just apologized and slunk away to do something in the kitchen, but he was fighting her for once; it was somehow, annoyingly, attractive to see Shinji so resolute. Forcing that thought in a dark corner of her mind, Asuka found that she couldn't let this drop.
"Oh, you want to us to look out for one another now, do you Shinji?" she said, with a mocked sweetness. "I thought that was what we were doing when we fought the Angels. Hell, I thought we should look out for one another when we, no scratch that, I had to fight off the JSSDF and the MP Evas. Funnily enough I don't have a recollection of Unit 01 helping me fight. Were you looking out for me when you tried to kill me on the beach, Baka Shinji"
The last part was like being hit across the face to Shinji, and he found that his hands were shaking. Why couldn't SHE try to understand for once instead of fighting everything and everyone? Clenching his fist together, Shinji answered Asuka as calmly as he could.
"I'm not going to ask for your forgiveness, Asuka, because I know you'll never give me it and I'm not going to explain myself to you, at least not yet. I just want you to know that we've both been given a second chance, and no matter what, I'm going to make it up to you, even if you don't want me to."
Asuka knew full well that she had hit a nerve. She couldn't ignore the sincerity with which he had spoken to her. It was infuriating, however, for Asuka to find that Shinji had changed, not too much, but very noticeably. It was as if he wasn't going to run away anymore.
"How can Instrumentality have changed him so much? When he started to cry on the beach I thought it was just the usual, pathetic Shinji, but now I don't know. It's as if he's finally let go of something that's been weighing upon him for a long time."
Deciding that it was best just to try and get on for now, Asuka sighed heavily and looked straight at Shinji.
"Fine then, just...just don't get on my nerves okay, Ikari?" she said, a small smile playing on her lips.
Shinji relaxed when he saw Asuka smile, small as it was, and he returned one of his own.
"I promise," he said, smiling."Um...Asuka...Would you like to clean yourself up?"
"With what precisely?" she asked, her eyebrows rising slightly.
"Well, the cooker is gas powered and I could put some water into the big soup pan and heat it up, then you could use a sponge or something to clean up...to clean up your wounds." He added the last part with a lot of trepidation. Shinji was desperate to find a way not to annoy her, and he didn't think bringing up the past would help, but he truly did want to help that Shinji had both thought of and was willing to do something for her, Asuka couldn't help but blush slightly. When she replied there was a slight quiver in her voice.
"Than...thank you Shinji, that'll be fine." She said, not looking him in the eye."Could you go into my room and get me something more comfortable to wear?
I'm getting sick of wearing this plug suit; it's sticking everywhere."
Shinji tried his best not to think of which parts of Asuka's body that her entry plug suit was sticking, and took a deep breath before replying.
"Sure thing Asuka, I'll be back in a couple of minutes." He said happily.
As he left, Asuka stood up from the toilet, her stomach finally settled, and stared at herself in the mirror. As she began unwrapping her eye patch, Asuka found that she was horrifically nervous as to what sight she would be met with when she opened her eye; would it be as bad a mess as her stomach and chest? Asuka had always known that she was attractive, if she wasn't getting a locker full of love letters then she constantly had to go on blind dates, but it scared her that she may be disfigured, that she may have lost the only thing she really had left. After a few minutes, Asuka gulped a lungful of air and opened her eye.
Misato's kitchen was freezing and all Shinji could do to keep himself from dying from hyperthermia was to hum to himself, and wait for the gas-fueled flame to heat up the cold culinary room. The melodic sound of Ode To Joy reverberated around the kitchen, as the candles that adorned every worktop and desk flickered and danced to the sound of Shinji's humming. The soft clicking of a ladle joined in with Shinji as he stirred the water. All of these noises continued for a while before the young boy's face twisted into an incredulous expression. Stepping back from the cooker Shinji looked from himself back to the soup pan.
"Wait a second, why the hell am I stirring this, and why did I put this apron on?" he said to himself." It's not soup I'm making; I'm just warming the water up for Asuka."
Taking the apron off, Shinji threw it into the corner before going back to the cooker, when the sound of giggling caught Shinji's attention.
"Asuka, is that you?" he asked, slightly nervous that he couldn't see anyone when he turned around.
"Are you finally doing something because you want to, Shinji, and not because someone's told you to do it?" asked a familiar voice. "I'm glad."
Shinji continued to stare in the direction of the sparsely lit living room, unable to believe that the owner of that voice had even spoken.
"Mi-Misato?" he said, voice quivering slightly."Misato is that you?"
Emerging from the darkness was the form of a tall purple haired woman, Major Misato Katsuragi. Dressed in her usual red leather jacket and form fitting black dress, Misato smiled and gave Shinji a thumbs up as she wandered slowly into the kitchen and leaned gently against the kitchen table, her arms folded across her impressive chest.
"Don't worry; I have good news and bad news. You're not going mad, I am real Shinji, but I'm not really here, but that doesn't matter right now. What I want to know is, are you ready for this Shinji?"
"Ready for what?" he asked, still perplexed by what was going on.
"Are you ready to accept responsibility and act like an adult now?" A calm, caring expression creasing her attractive features.
Shinji thought about what she had said. Wasn't he acting like an adult when he piloted the Evangelion? Didn't he accept the responsibility to protect Tokyo-3 and the world from the threat of the Angels?
"I don't understand Misato, what do you mean?"
The Major's features twisted into a frown as she answered.
"I mean that you have no one but yourself to make decisions now Shinji, I'm not here to make the plan of attack. I'm not here to guide you anymore; you have to make your own decisions now, just like Instrumentality. If you make a mistake you have to stick by that mistake and not try to blame others, if you do something right then you pat yourself on the back later and get on with it."
Shinji turned and placed the ladle on the kitchen worktop as he thought about what Misato had said. She was right, he needed to be strong, he needed to believe in not only others, but himself.
"You've already proven that you're capable of this, Shinji, when you took Asuka away from the beach, but I want to know if you yourself believe that you're
ready," she said
It took a while before Shinji could answer, but when he did, he looked Misato with an expression she truly had never seen adorn the young boys face; resolute and strong.
"I am, Misato, all I want is to protect Asuka and make up for failing her, and I'm going to do that no matter what."
Misato smiled at her young ward before pushing herself up from the desk and walking to the exit that led to the living room.
"Then goodbye, Shinji," she said
"Wait. Will I ever see you again Misato?" he asked
The major looked over her shoulder at the young boy, and smiled sadly.
"One day, Shinji, one day."
And with that she disappeared through the walkway, leaving Shinji to wonder what exactly had just happened. Was it like Rei on the beach, or was he really going mad?
Shinji walked carefully through the living room on his way to the bathroom, trying not to spill the hot water all over the carpet. As he reached the bathroom however, he could hear Asuka sobbing gently. Laying the soup pan on the floor, he began to knock on the door.
"Asuka? Asuka are you alright?" he called, worry beginning to grip him again.
When he received no reply, and against his better judgement, the young boy opened the door and was met with a sight that brought a blush to his cheeks. Asuka was sitting on a stool with the top half of her plug suit removed and hanging about her waist, looking at herself in the mirror. Shinji stared at the young woman unable to think what to do. He examined her naked back and he could swear that his nose was going to bleed, but all nefarious thoughts fell from his mind as he stared at the thick welts and coarse scabs that covered her back. There were nine stab wounds dotted across her back and Shinji's thoughts dwelled on how she had come to receive them.
"It's my fault that her body's been scarred like that, they look as if they'll never heal. Asuka..."his thoughts trailed off as he continued to stare at her.
Turning around, the young redhead gave Shinji such a look that he could only describe as beautifully sad. The way her hair fell across her shoulders and the sad yet relieved expression she had on her face and the way her eyes sparkled with her tears made his heart race. Asuka stared at him for a second before realising the young boy had entered without her permission and that she was partially naked, and she began to shout in German.
"Shinji verdrehten Sie Lustmolch! Kommen Sie heraus, bevor ich Sie töte!"
A couple of bottles of shampoo ,conditioner and a toilet duck were launched in Shinji's direction to clarify what she meant, as Shinji dashed back on the other side of the door. After shutting the door, Shinji heard the muffled sounds of Asuka removing the rest of her plug suit as she muttered curses and his name in German. Leaning against the wall Shinji began to feel something niggling at him, something to do with Asuka. As he replayed what had just happened, a smile spread across his face as he realised.
"Her eye...it's better."
Suddenly, the bathroom door opened with a splintering crack as Asuka marched out. Standing in front of Shinji with her hands on her hips, her expression betrayed her anger and disbelief.
"Didn't you promise not to get on my nerves, Baka Shinji?" she said calmly
Shinji could only stare at the sight before him, to all the world his Asuka was back. He had always loved the way that she stood with her hands on her hips, for some reason Shinji saw it as a picture of confidence and surety. He also saw it as a picture of arrogance at times, but certainly not now. As he continued to stare, he was brought back to reality with a slap across the head.
"Are you listening to me, Shinji?" said Asuka, her voice raised slightly.
Shinji rubbed his head and replied.
"I'm glad your eye is better, Asuka, and I'm sorry for not knocking it was just that I heard your crying and I thought something was wrong. The water's all ready for you, by the way," he finished, indicating the soup pan.
Asuka was taken aback once again, this was where they were supposed to argue about him being a perverted baka and she was supposed to act as if she didn't want Shinji to see her nake-
"What am I thinking! Of course I don't want him to see me naked...ARRGHH why does he have to be so... different now I don't know how to behave around him."She thought.
"I wasn't crying I was just...I was...I was laughing. I just wasn't sure if my eye was going to be all right that's all," she said, hurriedly
Shinji tilted his head and smiled again.
"It's okay Asuka; do you want me to get you anything, clean clothes or anything?"
Asuka thought for a moment before answering.
"What are you stupid? didn't we have this conversation already?" she said."Well considering how cold it is, get me my shorts and a t-shirt from my room and...and one of your shirts," she added trying hard not to look Shinji in the eye.
"Why one of my shirts?" he asked
"I want to stay warm, don't I? Your shirts are baggy on me," she clarified.
Shinji nodded his affirmation and set about his tasks. Asuka watched him all the way to her room, her hand resting on the door frame. Her face sagged slightly as a small, barely perceivable smile crossed her lips.
"Baka Shinji."
つづく
To Be Continued.