Author's Note: Rules of Atlantis is one of my more popular stories, according to the numbers, so I think it deserves a rewrite. It's six years old and is, compared to how well I write now, kinda terribly written. I'll be fixing the format, grammar, rewriting some content, adding some content, and probably getting rid of some content as well.
You all seemed to like Spam, which is the other Stargate rewrite I did, so I am hoping this will get a similar response.
Enjoy!
Like everyone else in the Stargate Program, the people of Atlantis had a rather strange sense of humor. Visitors would claim it was because their brains were addled from being in life-or-death situations so often. Veterans of the Program would boast about how impressed they were that the Lantians weren't being carted off in straight jackets by the truck load. Whatever the comments, whatever the reasons, a new person's first taste of Lantian humor was plastered all over the side wall of the Gate room on sheets of paper and post-it notes.
Never have the first thing you say here be 'This place isn't so bad.' You'll only regret it later
A: Colonel Sheppard would like to remind the original members not to talk about Colonel Sumner to the newbies.
B: Dr. McKay requests that newbies ask a scientist the statistics of Murphy's Law here in Pegasus before doing anything.
Do not ask someone what a Wraith looks like. You will find out soon enough. If you just cannot wait, ask Dr. Beckett for his video data on Michael. (This is not suggested, for your safety)
A: Teyla insists that Dr. Beckett will never harm you, and that Sheppard and McKay are just acting immature.
Three weeks of boot camp are required. This will teach you how not to get killed. Don't skip it.
A: Colonel Sheppard would like to note that Marines will be punished for missing sessions without a formal excuse from someone on the Senior Staff. He would also like to note that civilians will only go through basic gun training unless they plan on volunteering for our regular off-world trips to allied planets.
Remember. Here, we are the aliens.
A: Dr. McKay would like to say that, for your own safety, never ask the natives crude questions. Ronon might not beat you out of respect for Sheppard, but Teyla has no such hesitation.
All gossip from SGC is null and void here in Atlantis, as both SGC and Atlantis are in a never ending contest.
A: Colonel Sheppard wants to warn any former/current staff from the SGC that they will be the product of many pranks during their first couple months here.
B: Dr. McKay promises to post a list of taboo topics in the infirmary during his next visit there.
C: Teyla would like to inform the new staff that many people compare AR-1 and SG-1 a lot. It would be wise for you not to.
Remember. You are on a planet that is more than 90 percent covered in water. If you can't swim, get lessons. And quick.
A: Ronon says that Dr. Beckett has been planning swimming lessons. Go ask him.
Atlantis' (unofficial) motto is "Yeah, the world sucks. But if it didn't, we'd all fall off."
A: Colonel Sheppard wants everyone to learn this and love it.
Yes. We do realize that some of you might accidentally activate something. If you do, report the incident to Dr. McKay or Dr. Zelenka.
A: Colonel Sheppard begs you to do this. He is exhausted of being used as the choice guinea pig for the Science Department.
B: Dr. McKay also asks you to do this. He is certain that if another scientist (besides himself or Dr. Zelenka) asks Sheppard to activate something for them, they will get harmed. He would rather not do the paperwork.
Just because someone on the Senior Staff does it, doesn't mean you should. THEY can get away with it. You can't.
A: Colonel Sheppard wants you to remember that this includes things like volunteering for suicidal missions, eating something unknown, injecting yourself with a bottle full of Wraith enzyme, and yelling at McKay's little band of scientists. Dr. Weir does not like it when anyone on the Senior Staff does these things because they are the ones that the command goes to if anything happens to her.
B: Teyla notes that Colonel Sheppard's last sentence scares Dr. Weir greatly, even if she trusts Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay, and Dr. Beckett with her life.
C: Dr. McKay warns EVERYONE (including all the original expedition members) that the next person to yell at any of his scientists, or makes any of them cry, will wish that Ronon thought they were Wraith instead of what he'll be doing to them.
Do not flirt with the locals (aka the Athosians).
A: Colonel Sheppard says that if Dr. Weir doesn't yell at you for doing this, he will. Only he won't be vocal.
B: Ronon notes that Colonel Sheppard will have to get in line after him, of course.
C: Teyla would like to warn that the men of AR-1 don't care if they get kicked off of Atlantis. Her people have become like family to them and they will act according to their own thoughts on how to deal with you.