Author's note: This is a post 3x17 one-shot. Started as a drabble, turned into something more. Kensi and Deeks only, Densi if you squint. I hope the show explores how Kensi rebounds and adjusts after the events of 3x16 and 3x17.
Completed with the invaluable help of the incomparable imahistorian, who not only helped with the story but got me re-energized and re-invigorated about the story when I was just about ready to throw in the towel. Best. Beta. EVER. Much thanks!
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything, but oh how I wish I did.
Kensi waved one last time at her mom (her mom) and then slowly walked out to her car. She was tired. No, she was exhausted. Every muscle in her body ached, and parts of it throbbed unmercifully. She'd been beaten, cut with a knife, shot, almost fired, almost arrested, and spoken to her mother for the first time in fifteen years. And along the way she'd cleared her father's name and watched the same man who'd wanted her arrested mete out justice to her father's murderer. Not bad for a day's work, if I do say so myself. But she grimaced as she eased her way into the driver's seat of her car, favoring her right side. Too bad I feel like I've aged ten years trying to do all that in one day.
It was ironic, really. All the years and man-hours and time and energy she'd expended trying to get answers about her father's death, and she'd never come up with so much as a single significant clue. In fact, if it hadn't been for Claremont's own paranoia and determination to keep her from finding any answers, she might never have known what really happened to her dad. Now in a matter of hours she'd had every major question answered. She knew why her dad had been killed, and how he'd been killed. And most importantly she knew exactly who had killed him, and she'd seen justice done.
She backed out of the driveway, then shifted the car into forward and eased down the road, driving almost as slowly as she'd walked down the sidewalk at her mother's house. Her visit there had been good. More than good, even. But it left her feeling unsettled, almost anxious. She'd spent over half her life bottling up her feelings and emotions, and she'd prided herself on her stoicism in the face of any kind of pain or personal problem. Now she felt differently, exposed and raw in the face of all the upheaval she'd faced, and all the emotions that had been brought to the surface. She was exhausted and wired at the same time, nervous energy sizzling through her even as her hands trembled in fatigue. She thought about going by her partner's house, knowing without being told that Deeks was still awake. He might be taking Monty on a midnight run on the beach, or he might be taking a quick dip in the ocean. Or he could just be sitting on the couch, watching some kind of mindless television show that either involved explosions and guns or mindless jokes and pratfalls. But she didn't dwell on that too much; when it came to mindless television she knew she had no moral high ground. Resolutely she drove past the turn to Deeks' place. He'd dealt with her and her problems enough for one day, and he certainly didn't deserve to have to deal with her any more tonight.
Getting out of her car, she trudged up the short walk toward her house. She had, as usual, forgotten to locate her keys before she left her car, and she was digging around in her purse when a voice floated out from the darkness.
"So. Long day, yeah?"
She started violently, her hand going to her throat in a gesture so innately feminine that it made her scowl, mostly at herself.
"Deeks! What are you doing here?"
"Well, I'm not going to lie." He paused for a moment, his outline becoming slightly clearer as her eyes adjusted to darkness. "It was all Monty's doing. I tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted on coming to see you."
She squinted at the ground, looking on either side of him. "Deeks, you don't even have Monty with you."
He shrugged, and she could see the faint gleam of moonlight on his teeth as he grinned. "Takes him a wicked long time to get ready. It's all that product in his hair. You don't think all that awesomeness is natural, do you? I finally told him I was going to leave his hairy ass at home."
She giggled, just a little bit, and as if that was his cue he moved toward her. "Come on," he said, taking her elbow to gently nudge her forward.
Kensi resisted, pulling back a little as he tried to tug her back towards her car. "Deeks, it's late. I'm tired. I've had a very very long day, and all I want now is to get home and get in bed where I can…."
"Lay there for hours, rehashing everything that happened, before you finally drop off about an hour before it's time to get up," Deeks finished for her. "You know that's what will happen as well as I do. Come with me instead."
Still she hesitated. "Come where?"
"It's a surprise." When she still didn't move, he trailed his hand down her arm, finally twining his fingers in hers in entreaty. "Come on, Kens. Please just come with me."
With a defeated sigh, she rolled her eyes, knowing he couldn't see her in the dark. "Fine. I'll come with you. But I'm not staying more than fifteen or twenty minutes. Half an hour tops."
"Deal."
"And you drive."
"Not a problem."
She eyed him for a moment. "And I get to pick the music."
"You got it." His eyes were better than hers in the dark, and his lips quirked when she sighed heavily and rolled her eyes for a second time. "Now come on."
She extended her keys to him, and he took them, putting her in the passenger seat before he loaded a small cooler and a large bag in the back. After he got in the driver's seat, he started the car and backed out of the driveway without saying another word. Sometimes discretion was the better part of valor, and getting her in the car willingly was victory enough.
When Deeks pulled into a parking place and stopped, Kensi looked around doubtfully. "The beach? This is the big surprise?"
"No, this is just where we hang out." He got out of the car and she followed, meeting him at the back at the cargo area. She pulled out the bag and he grabbed the cooler, and she followed him on the familiar path to his favorite beach.
"You know you can't surf this late, right? I'm not sure we're even supposed to be out here right now."
"It's okay, Fern. I okayed it with the boss." He stopped and set the cooler down, then took the bag from her. Pulling out a beach blanket, he shook it out expertly and let it settle on the sand, then held out a hand to her. Once she was seated, he sat down next to her, close enough that she could feel the slight warmth of his skin but not so close that she felt crowded. She took a deep breath, inhaling the tang of salty air, and felt something in her begin to ease just a bit.
"And what boss would that be?"
"Okay, that might have been a slight exaggeration, but only in the sense that it never actually happened." He nudged her with one shoulder. "But it got you sitting down, and sitting down means relaxing, and that's the real purpose of tonight's exercise."
"You brought me out here just to get me to relax."
"Yep."
After a moment's thought, she nudged him back. "Thanks, partner. I needed it."
He reached behind her and dragged the bag in front of him, then dug around in it until he pulled out a smaller plastic bag. He handed it to Kensi with a triumphant smile.
"Cotton candy?" The combination of the full moon and the moonlight reflecting off the ocean's waves was more than sufficient for her to see what was in the plastic bag. Kensi looked over at him incredulously. "You seriously got me cotton candy? This is your big surprise?"
"Well I thought you might be hungry." He looked a little defensive now. "I wasn't sure how long you were going to be at your mom's place. Ice cream would have melted, pizza or Chinese takeout could have gone right past edible and into guaranteed food poisoning which is, let's face it, not what the situation calls for. Plus with your insatiable jones for foods completely devoid of nutritional value, I figured something sweet was the way to go, and cotton candy is the next best thing to mainlining sugar."
She was silent for a long moment, digesting all he'd said. "You know, in a weird and almost frightening way, that makes total sense."
"Of course it does," he said. "Except for the 'weird and almost frightening' part."
"Yeah. Right." She opened the bag he'd given her, then pulled out a handful of the sticky treat, stuffing it in her mouth and letting it melt on her tongue. She hummed in pleasure, eyes closed. "My dad used to buy me cotton candy every year when he took me to the state fair." She smiled then, her eyes meeting his. "He always got me pink. I loved bubblegum flavor, and pink was my favorite…" She stopped suddenly, but Deeks had already turned to look at her, brows raised in disbelief.
"Pink was your favorite….?" When she didn't speak, he continued. "Could you be telling me that pink was your favorite color? Really? Lady MacGyver? Jessica Bourne? Pink?" She rolled her eyes at him. "Really? Really."
"Yes, really." Her voice was defensive now, her movements choppy. "That may be hard for you to believe, but I was actually a little girl at the time, and most little girls like pink."
He could hear something in her voice, something that caused him to try and backtrack a little. Something unsettled and just a little bit unhappy. "Hey, I didn't mean anything by…"
"No, I know you didn't, but it's just…never mind."
She didn't say elaborate, and Deeks opened the cooler near his feet. He pulled out a bottle and held it out to her, neck first. "Beer?"
With a quick breath of laughter, she took the bottle from him. "Only you, Deeks. Beer and cotton candy."
"You have no room to speak, Miss My Family Christmas Tradition is Beer and Ice Cream."
She sniffed a little then, and Deeks realized he'd done it again. Upset her with his stupid, mindless teasing on a day when he knew she was already close to the edge. "Oh, hey, Kens, I didn't mean anything by that either."
She shook her head but didn't answer, and with an unhappy sigh he scooted closer to her, taking a chance by sliding his arm around her back and trying to pull her nearer. But she resisted, keeping herself upright, so he began stroking her back a little.
"Look," he began, desperate to fix this. Fix her. Fix them and their thing. "It's been a rough day. For both of us, but especially for you. You were almost arrested, for Pete's sake, and you had an assassin after you, and you were cut off from the rest of the team all day, including and especially yours truly, and we all know how difficult that must have been…"
"Deeks, it's not any of that." He was almost grateful that she'd interrupted him. He'd been seconds away from babbling. "Yes, those things were all difficult, and it was a rough day. But those things all had to do with the job. I think my problem is the other things that happened. Finding out that my dad was…that he was…." She took a deep breath, paused for a few seconds. "Finding out what my dad did. Finding out that my mom didn't do what I thought she did. Those are all…oh, it's more personal. I feel unsettled." Her shoulders lifted briefly. "I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. Everything I thought was wrong."
"Not everything," Deeks disagreed softly. "Not everything. Some of the surface stuff is different, but who you are didn't change."
"But it did. Everything I've believed about myself was based on who I was. Who I was to my dad. Who I was for my dad. What he meant to me and what I meant to him. Being raised without a mother." She turned to look at him, reaching out a hand in entreaty. "Now those things are all different, and I'm not sure if I can be the person I was before. And that's the person I want to be. The person I need to be."
"You know, Kens, this is all still pretty new." He could hear the doubt and confusion in her voice, and he hurt for her. Even though his own life had often been turbulent and unhappy, he'd always had a strong sense of self, a core of belief in himself and his choices that had seen him through some tough times. He thought perhaps Kensi had that same core. He knew she probably felt like it had been ripped away and he also knew that wasn't true, not really, but it had certainly taken a beating in the last twenty-four hours. "Maybe…maybe things will look different in the morning, when everything isn't quite so raw."
"Raw?" Her shoulders loosened then, letting him pull her a little closer. She winced a little as she leaned sideways, and he gentled his hold, remembering her cracked ribs. "That's exactly how I feel. Raw. And exposed. Like the old me has been peeled away, and the new me isn't fully formed yet."
"That doesn't have to be a bad thing," he said gently. "Change can be good. Growth is change. Learning is change."
"What if you…what if people don't like the new me? It won't be what they're used to. I won't be what they're used to."
"I'm not sure what you…"
"What if I turn into someone else? What if I'm not…" She waved a hand impatiently, struggling to find the words to explain her fears. Fears which were vague and nebulous, formless and shapeless but still haunting her . "What if I'm not me anymore. Callen and Sam are used to this me. The one who kicks ass and takes names." A ghost of a smile flitted across her face. "You're used to Lady MacGyver and Jessica Bourne. You said it yourself."
Deeks smiled at her, feeling like he was now on firm footing. "I'm not worried about that at all. This new you isn't going to be some stranger. You aren't going to wake up in the morning and not know how to handle a gun, or have forgotten how to run a crime scene. Ten bucks says your sniper skills are still intact. I'd like to believe that your right hook will have lost a little steam, but I'm not holding my breath."
Kensi was silent for a long moment, absorbing what he'd said. It alleviated some of her fears, put her more at ease. But not completely. "All right. Then what about the rest. The personal stuff." She took a deep breath. "I've spent my entire adult life trying to solve my dad's murder. I think in some ways I was trying to prove myself to him, even after he was gone. I've had to be tough. Hard sometimes, and impatient, and competitive. And some of the other stuff you've said, that I'm impulsive and impetuous and…"
"Insane," murmured Deeks sotto voce.
"…unorthodox in my approach," said Kensi more firmly, eyeing him sideways, "well that's all true too. That's part of what makes me damned good at my job, but it's also part of what makes me me. Now…now that I don't have anything to prove, and I have the answers I've been looking for, I'm afraid…." She stopped for a moment, paused to think. "I guess I'm just not that fond of change."
"Kensi, I get what you're saying, and I don't mean to discount your fears, but don't be an idiot." She jerked upright, glaring at him even as she held a hand to her side and took a shallow breath. "You've had a lot going on, and you probably feel a little uncertain. Or even a lot uncertain. But don't define yourself by what happened to your dad. The real you, what makes you you, that hasn't changed. You aren't insane and impulsive because your dad was killed. That may have influenced your career choices, but the rest…that's just you." She was watching him intently now, taking in every word he said. "And it's not even just that you're impulsive and insane. You're also loyal and kind, and while the exterior can be tough the interior is pure jello. Or maybe cotton candy." She huffed out a quick breath of laughter. "You have an unshakable moral compass. You're persistent and determined and you don't stop until the job is done. You don't trust easily, but that just makes it all the more precious when someone earns your trust. You're generous and hard-working and honest to a fault. Understand that I don't say this lightly when I say that you're the best partner I could ever have. The best partner anyone could ever have." He paused for a moment, considering his next words. "And if there are parts of you that aren't exactly the same as before, that's okay too. You'll still be Kensi. And for that matter, I'll still be Deeks. You know I'm going to be right there with you every step of the way. " She finally relaxed enough that he was able to pull her close, and she laid her head on his shoulder, taking a deep breath and then exhaling slowly. "Some things never change."
….you're the best partner I could ever have. The best partner anyone could ever have. The words resonated within her, rippling outwards and easing the worst of the self-doubt and anxiety. How did he do it? She inched over a little closer to him, wondering how he always came up with the exact right thing to say or do when it really counted. There were times when he'd hurt her feelings or infuriated her to the point of seeing red, literally, but when the chips were down her partner could be counted on to make things better. Just as he'd done tonight. She knew that there was still a lot of turmoil to come in her life. There would be an investigation, and she'd be interviewed and debriefed. There was her mother and whatever role she'd be taking now that she'd reentered Kensi's life. Kensi knew she was closing one chapter in her life, and perhaps she'd have to find where the next chapter would take her, but she also knew that if it ever got to be too much, if she had another crisis of faith in herself, that she'd remember this night and her partner's words. And she knew she'd be okay.
"No," she agreed, sounding more settled now. "Some things never do."