~ Chills, Thrills, Tricks and Treats ~
By Snapegirlkmf and CJ Moliere
This story was written from a prompt by a reader of our Unexpected Series AU who wanted to see what would happen on Halloween with the family. And don't worry; we are already working on the Christmas tale and hope to have it out sometime in December! This story takes place after Bae's Babysitting Blues and two years after Unexpected Surprise.
"Happy Army! Front n' center!" commanded Adriana Gold. An army of stuffed bears marched out of the house and into the yard where the toddler stood and formed a line, saluting their mistress.
"Kay…tonight we get to go out an get candy. Papa's takin me but I'm putting you on meanie detail. Meanies steal candy an cause frownies. You see frownies, you take care of it. M'not sayin beat 'em up just get the candy back an make sure they don't pick on other kids and give em frownies. Understand?"
They nodded.
Her older brother Bae was listening from where he sat, chuckling.
Should call her Don Rumplette, he thought. She commanded her little army just like a Mafia boss and when people saw them roaming around town they made sure they had smiles on their faces. Adriana Gold wanted everyone in town to be happy and God help you if you caused someone to have a frown on their face.
Adriana was costumed as a mini version of her father much to her parents' delight. Rumple made her look alike Armani suit himself and exact duplicate of his cane and she practiced her limp until she had it perfect and asked her mother to put some gray streaks in her hair like her papa's.
Bae had his own plans for the evening with his former Scorpion friends. Every Halloween the gang members would go around town pranking people who treated them badly or just treated kids badly. This year their main targets were Merriweather Blue aka the Blue Fairy and Miss Harridan, the principal's secretary. Both women went out of their way to irritate the group and they also made snide remarks about Bae's parents and his uncle and aunt.
The gang put off getting even with Blue for several years but this year they were determined to teach her a lesson she wouldn't soon forget. Of course they had to be careful their parents didn't find out, especially Bae's father. Though he would never strike any of the teenagers, they still feared his cane of doom, remembering well how he'd beaten the butt of a rival gang member that tried to rob him at knife point and he'd also used it on a rapist and a group of bodyguards back in the Enchanted Forest.
They were all going to be costumed as their favorite scary characters so that the two women wouldn't know who they were. Bae was going to be Hannibal Lecter. Andi was going as Molly Malone a banshee. Ewan was going to be dressed as William Wallace from Braveheart complete with the blue and white war paint. Becky was dressing up like Freddy Kreuger and Bobby and Kat were going as King Arthur and Gwenivere instead of horror movie characters.
Their plan had two stages. First they would break into the women's houses and raid their underwear drawers, stealing every pair of underwear. Those they would hang on the trees outside the womens houses and the flagpole at the school with a note that read: GUESS WHO THESE GRANNY PANTIES BELONG TO! The second phase of the plan was going to be a bit more difficult. They were going to back the sewers up in the womens' houses, all of them looking forward to seeing the harpies having to swim in filth.
The Golds were hosting a Halloween party that evening. The women were going to stay at the house while the men took the kids out trick or treating. Adriana insisted that she and her father wear matching outfits and Rumple, who loved his daughter dearly, couldn't possibly say no to her even though he dressed like that every day. Belle decided she was going to be Joan of Arc, one of her favorite historical figures.
The party would start at four; the kids would trick or treat from six until eight. The little ones would be put to bed at nine and the party would end at midnight. Regina suggested next year they have the party back in the Enchanted Forest in Rumple's castle now renamed Belle Reve or Beautiful Dream after the famous estate in his and Belle's favorite film A Streetcar Named Desire. He felt it was no longer proper to call it the Dark Castle when he was no longer the Dark One. Going back and forth between the two worlds was much easier now that they had a gateway in the form of a bridge.
The first group to arrive at the house was the Hoppers. Gisella and her little brother John Wayne or Jonny were already in their costumes. Gisella was dressed as Jiminy Cricket, her father's former identity in the Enchanted Forest and Jonny was dressed like Woody from Toy Story.
"Oh how cute…Rumple, get a picture!" ordered Belle when she saw her niece and nephew.
The sorcerer chuckled and snapped a picture on his phone. He'd already seen the outfits because the children asked him to make them for them weeks ago. His sewing skills were in high demand after everyone in Storybrooke saw the beautiful wedding dresses he designed for Regina and Emma. Mallory and Tiana, the town's two fashion designers kept asking him to go into a partnership with them but he insisted he just enjoyed making clothes as a hobby.
"How didja get the green stuff on your face, Sella?" Adriana asked her cousin.
"Mommy did that."
"Oooh….didja look that green when you was a cricket, Unca Archie?"
Archie laughed. "Yes."
"Rumple, how fair is it that you get to dress like you do every day and the rest of us have to wear something else?" demanded Marie.
Belle burst out laughing. "You know our daughter….she makes him offers he can't refuse but you have to admit….they look so cute matching, don't they?"
Father and daughter stood side by side and leaned on their canes, their postures exactly the same with the same grins on their faces.
"It's the Rumfather and Rumplette!" Bae teased.
Adriana scowled at him. "Least m'not gonna look like a loony from the loony bin! Why you gotta wear that stupid mask for anyway? Ya can't eat candy with it!"
"Adriana hush," her father scolded gently. "And Bae, don't tease your sister."
Belle smirked at her sister. "And how did I know you two were going to dress like the couple from McLintock?" Marie and Archie were wearing costumes Rumple made that looked exactly like the outfits Maureen O'Hara and John Wayne wore in the classic film.
"What can we say….we've already lived the mud fight, he's chased me around town, so why not look the part too? I'm just surprised you two don't match."
"I was outvoted by my daughter."
"Driana, how come you dressed like Unca Rumple?" Jonny asked her.
"Cause I wanna."
"I'm dressed like Daddy used to look, Jonny," his sister reminded him.
"Yeah but that's when he was a bug."
"So? Sometime I'll dress like he used to look here too."
"That could be scary," Archie mumbled.
"You're telling me, dearie!" Rumple exclaimed. "Your old wardrobe nearly drove me insane! I should've thrown a fireball at your closet instead of just throwing that garbage out!"
"I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that," Belle giggled.
"No you wouldn't have, sweetheart. It was a nightmare!"
"MISTER RUMPLE, WE'RE HEEEEEREEEE!" a little voice screamed outside. Jonny covered his ears.
"Does she hafta scream like that? Gonna make us all deaf!" he complained.
The 'she' in question was Eleanor "Ellie" Hood, Robin and Regina's youngest child. The child had a flair for the dramatics that irritated her friends sometimes, especially Maggie Hatter, Jefferson and Emma's daughter. The two little girls had a bit of a rivalry going on much like their mothers did when they first met.
"Hi Ellie," Adriana greeted, opening the door for them with her magic. "Oooo you look like Maleficent!" She was indeed costumed like the famed dark fairy in Sleeping Beauty, her costume made by Maleficent herself, now living under the name Mallory Raven.
"Uh-huh. She's cool." Her brothers Roland and Jason followed her into the house. Jason was dressed like Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story and Roland was dressed like Batman. Belle grabbed her husband's phone and took more pictures just as Robin and Regina walked in. The couple was dressed as Anne Boleyn and Henry Tudor.
"Blame Regina for this," Robin said as the other adults started laughing. He was wearing padding so that he looked as pudgy as the infamous king was rumored to be.
Archie held his nose. "What is that Godawful smell!?" he cried.
"Ewww…smells like death!" Adriana cried, holding her own nose. Belle pulled the front of her costume up to cover her own nose while Marie and Rumple covered theirs with handkerchiefs.
"Blame that on Regina too. She made my leg look infected with her magic and made it stink too!" Robin explained.
"Gods and hells dearie, was that necessary?" demanded Rumple, looking like he was ready to vomit.
"Well, I wanted us to be as historically accurate as possible," Regina answered with a grin, pointing to her neck where there was a red line around it.
"Well, that just turned me off from watching The Tudors again," Marie groaned.
"Thank the gods! I don't have to suffer through it anymore!" cheered her husband who earned himself a whack on the backside with the parasol she was holding.
Regina waved her hand and the stench from her husband's leg lessened a bit.
"Okay kids, you go ahead in the living room with Bae and watch a movie until your friends get here," Belle instructed.
"C'mon you rugrats," Bae said and escorted seven excited children into the living room while the adults stayed in the dining room. The Happy Army was already in there waiting for them and Adriana summoned the bears from the other childrens' houses, dressing them all in costumes similar to what the kids were wearing.
"Hey Driana, they gonna go with us or what?" demanded Ellie.
"Uh-uh. They's on meanie detail 'night."
"What meanies?"
"The ones who steal your candy an pick on ya."
"Nobody's gonna steal MY candy cause I'll kick 'em good!" yelled Ellie.
"I'll hit em with Daddy's umbrella," said Gisella, holding up her father's good luck charm and sometimes weapon.
"An I gots my cane a doom!" declared Adriana, waving her little cane in the air. Her brother spit out the soda he was drinking and laughed hysterically.
"Oh…my…God…Rumplette….I'm dying over here…"
"You call Papa's cane the cane a doom," his sister reminded him.
"Yeah….and…I'm sure you'll use it too!"
"If my feet don't work can I borrow your mommy's broom?" asked Ellie.
"Yeah I can make ya a little broom."
"Oh my God….toddlers giving a beatdown…film at eleven!" Bae chuckled.
"Who we gonna give a beatdown to?" asked Maggie Hatter from the doorway. She was, which didn't come to a surprise to anyone, dressed a little police officer. Her older sister Grace was dressed like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and Henry was wearing a Thor costume. Their parents were dressed like John Travolta and his dancing partner in Saturday Night Fever.
"Meanies who steal candy an pick on us 'less the Happy Army gits em first," answered Adriana.
"Nobody's gonna pick on you guys with us and our dads around," Henry assured her. "We'll scare em good."
Snow and David arrived next with their son Neal. Also to no one's surprise, Neal Nolan was costumed as Gru from his favorite movie Despicable Me. His parents' costumes, however, were a surprise. Snow was dressed like Sarah and David as Jareth from the movie Labyrinth. The couple admitted it was one of their favorite movies while Belle, Marie, Regina, and Emma teased Snow about only making David dress as Jareth to see how his backside looked in tights.
Bae's friends were the last to arrive. When the parents joined the children in the living room, Bae took his friends outside to have a meeting about the big pranks.
"I say we steal ALL their clothes and make them run around in ugly bathrobes," suggested Andi.
"Steal em? Hell, we'll burn em!" exclaimed Ewan.
"I say we put some roadkill on their porch that's rotting away," Bobby snickered.
"Or horse crap...can get some down at Missus Hood's stable and light it on fire," said Becky.
"How about rotten vegetables too?" Kat suggested. "Like a smorgasbord of disgusting!"
"And a prelude to what's gonna happen," Bobby said with an evil grin.
"If we're gonna do it, may as well do it in style. Okay guys. Bobby you go get the roadkill...Kat see what you can scrounge up that's rotten. Becky, you're on the shit detail." Bae instructed.
"Oh joy," Becky grimaced.
"Hey YOU suggested it."
"Yeah, me and my big fat mouth."
"Better do what he says," Bobby smirked. "He's the Rumfather's son . . . and he'll make you an offer you wished you'd refused."
"I'll do it because I wanna see the looks on those bitches faces when they see it."
"Bitch slapped!" Kat giggled.
"Me and Fire will break in the houses and get the clothes...just gotta find a good place to torch em...any ideas?" asked Andi.
"How about the dump? Something's always burning down at the incinerator." Bae said.
"Perfect. Then...we do the coup de gras and back up the sewers."
They all clasped hands like they used to do before a job went down when they were still Scorpions. "Let's sting 'em good!" they cried.
"What'cha doin out here, Bae?" asked his little sister.
"Just talkin'," he answered nonchalantly. "Plannin' on what houses we're going to. With the best candy."
"You goin with us or are ya gonna go somewhere else?"
"Somewhere else first," he told her. "By the time we get back here, you'll be asleep."
"Kay but you not gettin outta the deal we made for Christmas. You gotta take the Happy Army out an make sure people don't have frownies. You welsh an I git ya with my cane a doom!"
"I never break deals," Bae protested. "Besides, Papa doesn't like us to hit each other. You know that."
"You better not break my deal or I'm gonna tell Papa an he'll make ya git up at t'crack a dawn to clean when you wanna be with your buddies."
His friends were snickering behind him.
"No blackmail either, Rumplette!" her brother scolded. God, it's like dealing with Mini Me Rumple!
His sister giggled like her father. "M'already doin that...you're takin the Happy Army out for Christmas so's I don't tell Papa you made 'em be your maids to clean up your 'gusting room."
"She got you there, Fire," Andi said softly.
"Please! Little sisters! Can't live without 'em and can't sell 'em to the Gypsies!" he groaned.
"M'gonna sell ya on Ebay if I catch ya makin my Happy Army clean up your crap!"
Bae glared at her. "You make it sound like I enslaved them or something! All I did was have them clean for like an hour. Jeez! They're bears! What else do they gotta do?"
"Yeah well Major Rumple got sick cause you had stuff with old food in it...gross! An your clothes smelled like somethin died in 'em."
"Bae! That's just gross!" Andi frowned at him.
"He's a real slob an if Papa saw that he'd get mad."
"That's cause he's OCD . . .and you're almost like him," Bae muttered. "Go back inside and play with your friends."
"Ya still love me...right?" she asked, flashing him a charming smile.
"You're a little imp!" he sighed. "But yeah, I do." He tweaked her nose. "Happy Halloween, Rumplette!"
"Happy Hal'ween Bae...if we get lotsa candy we split fifty fifty…kay?"
"Okay . . .but you better not eat it all . . . otherwise your tummy will hurt so bad you'll puke. Have fun trick or treating with Papa."
"She runnin a candy racket or what?" mused Ewan chuckling.
"Could be . . . " Bobby laughed. "After all she is Mr. Gold's daughter. A chip off the old teacup!"
"Uh huh and don'cha forget it!" Adriana smirked and limped back into the house.
"You are gonna have your hands full when she's old enough to notice boys," Bobby predicted.
"They'll get their asses beat down with the cane of doom," said Becky.
"Or become statues in the garden." Bae said.
"Or beat with Belle's broom," predicted Kat.
"Okay guys...we ready to give it to the Blue Butthole and Miss Hagidan?" asked Andi.
"Yeah!" they cheered and then they set off on their errands of mischief.
Everyone was having a great time at the party but at a quarter till six the fathers rounded the kids up to go trick or treating.
Adriana ran to her father with the special Beauty and the Beast candy bag he made for her hanging on her arm. "M'ready Papa! Let's go get some candy!"
"Okay, mo astor!" he laughed, calling her "my treasure" in Gaelic, his pet name for her.
"Sella, Jonny...come on!" Archie called to his two children. "You have everything?"
"Yeah, Daddy," Gisella said, showing him their bags and flashlights.
Adriana hugged her mother. "Ya want me to bring ya somethin back, Mama?"
"Bring me back some Hershey's kisses," Belle smiled at her little moppet. She liked them because Rumple could feed them to her in bed, and vice versa.
"If someone doesn't give me some, I'll make ya some. I knows how!"
"C'mon we're gonna miss the good candy!" complained Ellie.
"Or your papa can just buy me some at the store," Belle said. She worried about her baby using too much magic.
"Aww hold yer horses, Ellie!" Jonny snapped.
"Okay, Miss Bossy!" Jason said. "Roland, the train's leavin'!"
They all decided to go as a group trick or treating, feeling it was safer.
"Be careful honey," Marie said, kissing first her husband then her children.
"Not to worry, Marie. I doubt anyone will bother us knowing Rumple's around."
"Yeah, Ma, cause Uncle Rumple can magic away anybody and anything spooky!" Jonny said. "Or I'll shoot 'em up!"
"Or me and daddy can whack em with our umbrellas...right, Daddy?" asked Gisella.
"That's right, Princess."
"An' I can beat 'em up with my cane a doom!" Adriana chirped.
Her friends giggled.
"Thank God it's not the damned Bordreaux broom," David grumbled.
"Mommy says I can't have one a them till I'm bigger," Belle's daughter replied.
"That's a relief!"
"You think so? My cane hurts just as much, dearie."
Regina waved her hand in front of her husband and children and identical bands appeared on their arms. "Protection spells. Just in case."
Roland rolled his eyes. "Mom, we're not gonna get lost. This is Storybrooke, not Boston."
"Things can still happen. I'm not taking any chances. This is the night where all things are possible, isn't it Rumple?"
"Yes . . .the doors between worlds stand open for a few hours on this night . . .and spirits of the dead and other unnatural things can cross over."
"Oh wonderful!" groaned Robin.
Emma created her own set of protection bands for her husband and children and her father and brother.
Rumple created a bracelet for Adriana to wear. He'd done the same for Bae earlier.
Archie still had the protection spell on his wedding ring and Gisella had her bracelet.
"We need something for my son to wear, Rumple. My wedding ring and Sella's bracelet still have their spells from when we went to Greece and Rome years ago," Archie reminded him.
Rumple made Jonny's sheriff's star pin into his protective talisman. "There you go, Jonny." The boy practically wore it to bed anyway.
"Cool! Thanks, Unca Rumple!"
"All right, are we all set?" he asked, ruffling his nephew's hair.
"Let's clean 'em all outta candy!" declared Adriana.
They all marched out the door, kids, bears, and fathers.
"Can we go to Granny's first, Papa?" Adriana asked him.
"I knew you were gonna say that," he chuckled. "Okay, we'll make that the first stop."
The children raced into the diner while their fathers struggled to keep up with them.
"Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme something good to eat!" they chorused and held up their bags.
Granny smiled and put a homemade huge chocolate chip cookie in each bag. "My, what interesting costumes you all have!" she said.
"M'dressed like my papa!" Adriana boasted. "See?"
"And I nearly couldn't tell the difference!" she laughed. "She's a mini you, Rumple!"
Ruby was laughing at David's costume. "Tights, Charming? Really?"
"He's the Goblin King!" Neal cried. "An' I'm Gru!"
"And you're a cute little Gru," Ruby cooed, pinching his cheek playfully.
"M'a cop an I'm gonna underarrest anybody who tries ta git my candy!" warned Maggie.
"Yeah you cuff 'em an' I'll lasso 'em to a tree!" Jonny cried.
"That boy of mine is more like his mother than me," Archie whispered to Rumple.
"But he's like you in other ways," Rumple replied. "Just like Adriana has my magic but Belle's gentle heart. Our children are a mix of both of us."
"Especially his bond with animals though Marie still can't wrap her head around him being able to talk to reptiles and insects."
"The magic manifests itself differently in all of us magicians," Rumple said calmly. "The trick is to figure out where your talents lie, because that's how you learn your strengths and weaknesses."
"I really shouldn't have been surprised by it...after all I was an insect for a long time."
"I have a feeling my daughter's special talent is going to keep me on my toes once she shows it," said Robin.
"Your kid! Mine is probably going to make me want to check into a mental hospital!" Jeff cried.
"I think I have an idea what hers is...human lie detector like her mom," spoke up David.
"And perhaps she's also got some of the Sight too, just a wee bit now, but it'll get stronger," Rumple said. "And some kinetic ability also."
"Where we gonna go now, Papa?' Adriana asked.
"Umm . . .how about we stop by Leroy and his brother's houses. He's not quite as grumpy on Halloween. And they've been waiting to see you all in your costumes."
"Okay! Heigh ho, heigh ho..it's off ta the dwarves we gooo!" she sang.
The Happy Army started whistling the tune as they marched behind them.
Rumple chuckled. "She has my voice, thank the gods . . .and Belle's memory."
"Can we sing somethin' else?" asked Maggie.
"Okay. How 'bout this one?" Adriana obliged and began to sing "They're Coming to Take Me Away" which she had heard off of Bae's iPod.
Archie burst into laughter. "Remember when we sang that Rumple?"
"I do, dearie! And we got smacked for it too."
"How 'bout Purple People Eater?" asked Jason.
"One eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater!" warbled Sella.
"I wanna see a Purple People Eater!" complained Ellie. "We never get to see anything cool n' scary!"
"No ya don't Ellie cause it'll eat ya," said Roland.
Robin groaned. "That's my daughter. Other little kids run away from all the scary things. She wants to go up and shake its hand!"
"I wanna see it to so's I can underarrest it!" exclaimed Maggie.
"No . . .it just wants to play in a rock n'roll band," Adriana argued.
"That's because, dearie, she hasn't met anything truly scary," Rumple told Robin. "She's curious and sassy like her mother."
"Why's a people eater wanna play in a band?" asked Neal.
"Cause it likes music," Adriana said. "An' maybe it don't wanna eat people no more."
"Well if we see one where we gonna find a band it can play in?"
"My bears can be a band," she answered.
"Thought they chased away frownies."
"They do . . but they can do other stuff 'sides that. Whatever makes people happy."
They arrived on the street where Leroy and his brothers lived. When Leroy saw Adriana he did a doubletake. "Mr. GOLD?!"
"Nah...m'Adriana. My papa's right there," she said pointing at her father with her little cane.
"Oh! Uh . . .for a minute there I thought you got shrunk or something, Rumple!" Leroy said, flushing. "That's a real cute costume, kid."
"Tanks Mister, Leroy. Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme somethin good to eat!"
Leroy pulled out a huge bowl with all kinds of candy. "Pick two of 'em." The faster he got rid of the candy, the faster he could go inside and take a nap.
The kids dove right in.
"Now remember...he said two not the whole thing," Robin advised his children.
"Yeah you don't wanna be greedy," Jonny added.
"I got a Clark bar!" sang Roland.
"I'll trade ya for my Almond Joy!" bargained Maggie.
"My mama likes that. How's about I give ya my Baby Ruth?" Adriana offered.
"Dearies, we can trade later at home," Rumple remonstrated. Otherwise they'd be here all night.
"Good luck with that, Gold," Leroy snorted.
Gisella handed her father a Kit Kat bar. "Here's Mommy's Kit Kat."
He tucked it into his shirt pocket. "Why don't we try that street, Rumple? There are more porch lights on."
"All right. This way, children," Rumple beckoned to them, then took Adriana's hand as they crossed the street.
Meanwhile at the other end of town, Andi and Bae arrived at Miss Harridan's house first to collect her clothing.
Bae jimmied the lock on the upstairs window easily while standing on the tree branch that overhung her porch. He opened it without a sound and beckoned. "Coast's clear, Wraith!"
"Just like old times, eh Fire?"
He grinned. "Yeah. Except back in the old days all I had to worry about was getting arrested. If my papa finds out about this . . .I'll have a lot more to worry about."
"They'll probably think it's someone else," she said and crawled in the window and opened the top drawer of the dresser, howling with laughter as she held up a very large pair of panties. "Oh my God...SUPER granny panties!"
"Aww gross!" Bae made a face. "And look at this dress-it could win ugliest clothing award!" he held up a patchwork that looked like it had been made by a colorblind person wearing sunglasses.
"My God! I don't think a beggar would be caught dead in that!" Andi laughed.
"Those are going on the flagpole at school for sure," Bae said.
As they emptied out the closet and the dresser drawers, Andi gasped. "Fire, I'm gonna puke! Look!" she held up some velvet handcuffs, a gold collar, and a whip.
Bae looked ill. "Eww! She's into dominatrix stuff! Yuck! I wonder who her bitch is?"
"Probably Blue."
"And that bitch had the nerve to make fun of my mama and Aunt Marie? Oh she is going DOWN!"
Andi shoved the items in another sack. "Okay, let's hit the road. She wiped her hands on her pants. "Now I feel filthy from touching that."
"I'm almost afraid of what we'll find at HER house!"
"Yeah me too. Maybe she's got some poor guy chained in the closet."
Their friends were waiting for them outside with the items they'd collected.
When Andi told them what they found, Kat almost gagged. "Sick crap!"
"Well, we all knew there wasn't something right with her," Bobby sneered. "I mean she was the one petitioning to have corporal punishment made legal in school."
"Yeah and I bet she likes getting spanked herself the crazy bitch," Becky muttered.
"With that whip," Bae muttered. "C'mon, let's get her sister-the other ho."
"We gotta leave our little presents first!" Ewan reminded them. "Hold yer noses mates...this is some seriously stinky shite!"
Kat ran up and shook her sack full of rotting veggies on to the porch. Bobby had a pair of tongs with a squashed opossum in them that he threw next to it.
Becky set her bag of horse dung on the step and lit it on fire.
They then rang the doorbell and ran for cover behind the bushes, aiming Becky's cellphone camera at the door to record the event. Miss Harridan opened the door in a leather corset and black leather pants with stiletto heels. "Fire!" she screamed and stomped on it with her boot. "Ahhhhh...disgusting!"
"How ya like THAT shit you skanky bitch!" Ewan yelled through a device that disguised his voice.
Miss Harridan shook her fist and yelled, "Just you wait you miserable hellions! You're gonna pay!"
Bae took the device from Ewan and yelled, "Right about now-you are about to be possessed! By a scheming ho bag!"
The girls were rolling on the ground smothering their laughter with their hands.
Then they all smirked and crept off to Blue's house.
"I can't wait to see what you find in this one," Becky said to Bae and Andi. "You think she was in Hagidan's basement dungeon?"
"Probably...or some other poor bastard," Bae mumbled.
He tossed his bungee cord up and hooked it onto the roof and began to scale the wall. "You wanna do the honors, Wraith?"
"With pleasure!"
She pulled a pick out of her hair and popped the lock in about a second.
On the ground the others waited with their collection of disgusting and smelly items.
Inside, Bae rifled through her underwear drawer. "Gods and hells! What'd she do, buy out the hooker store? Or maybe they had the two for one discount?"
"She's still a dancer at the Foxtrot, Bae," Andi reminded him.
"A dancer-ha! More like Fox's hooker! Bet she's doin' him on the side!"
"Didn't your aunt think she was?"
"Yeah, her and Zelena." Bae growled.
"Oh my God...this is really gross!" Andi pulled a school girl uniform out of the closet.
Bae groaned. "Aww hell! It's the principal's office crap! I'll bet you twenty bucks Harridan's got the paddle."
"I'm gonna puke..."
"Then again, Aunt Marie always said she was worse than a miser with gold-she'll do it however, wherever, whenever, and with whoever."
He pulled out a kinky French maid uniform next. "Ugh! May I service you? Like hell!"
"Ewwww Bae...she's got a dress that looks like the one your mom wore in the castle!"
"Aww hell NO! That's just WRONG!"
"Oh...it gets worse..." She brought out a paddle with his father's name on it.
"If I were a cat, I'd piss on her bed!" He swore angrily. "Gimme that! I'm throwing this in the fire myself!"
He was surprised she didn't have a Dark One costume.
In the back of the closet Andi discovered a notebook. When she started reading she made gagging noises.
"What's that? Her journal of appointments?"
"No...it's fantasies...of what she'd want to do to your dad...and uncle..."
"WHAT?!"
"Read for yourself and hold your bag to your mouth cause you're gonna wanna puke."
Bae took it and read . . . finding the most disgusting things written in there . . . involving a slave Rumple and Archie . . ."I'm keeping this. This is evidence against her in her own hand. I'm putting it on Mr. Hale's desk tomorrow . . then we'll see how long she's employed there!"
"Good the bitch deserves it! Now let's get this crap packed up and get outta here!"
They did so, scrambling out the window a moment later, silent as the ghosts they'd been named for.
"You find anything good?" Ewan asked them.
"Good? No! Creepy and gross, yeah!" Bae snapped. "And something that'll hopefully get this bitch fired."
"The light's on in her basement...showtime!" hooted Becky.
They dumped their smelly items on the porch and Becky lit another bag full of horse dung. Ewan rang the bell and they took off into the bushes with the phone recording.
"Come on you bitch!" Andi hissed.
The door opened and Blue stepped out wearing another dress similar to Belle's but it was more like a dominatrix outfit.
She screamed when she saw the bag on fire and stepped on it. "Ugghhhh disgusting...who did this?!"
"How ya like that ya frickin HO!" Bae yelled through the machine.
"Who said that? When I catch you...!"
"Stung her ass good!" whispered Kat.
"I've got worse in mind for that blue bitch!" Bae growled.
"Okay now let's get this stuff to the school and start decorating!" cried Andi.
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
All the children had their bags full of candy by the time they turned down the last street. When they came to the end of the street five of the children stopped in their tracks in front of an old house.
"Papa...I feel somethin bad..." Adriana whimpered.
Jonny kneeled down where a cricket was sitting and listened to it as it chirped frantically.
Ellie and Maggie glared at the house and Neal held his flashlight like a weapon.
"Rumple...what's wrong with them?" Robin asked worriedly.
Maggie cringed and grabbed Jeff's leg. "Daddy . ..something really bad happened here."
"Jonny, what's he telling you?" Archie asked his son.
"Maggie's right, Daddy. Somethin' bad did happen."
Rumple felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He picked up Adriana and handed her to Archie. "Adriana, stay here with Uncle Archie. All of you . . .stay here and don't move!" he ordered hoarsely. "This house is not safe . . . there are spirits trapped in there . . .and they will take their vengeance out on you if they could. But our protections prevent that." He rolled up his sleeves. "But I must deal with them . . . before someone blunders into here . . ."
"Rumple, what went on here?" Archie asked him.
"Old deaths . . .many of them . . ." he intoned, his Sight showing him what had been. "She coaxed them and tricked them into her house . . .a house made of candy . . and then she cooked them in her oven . . for innocence is the sweetest of all . . ."
"Ewwwww...like in Hansel and Gretel!" screamed Gisella and buried her face in her father's side.
"Yes . . . this . . is HER house . . where so many little children died . . ." Rumple said heavily. "I can hear their voices . . . crying . . ."
Suddenly a window shattered and then they heard a voice calling, "We can't get out! Help us! Help us!" and the sound of a child sobbing.
"Daddy..." Ellie sobbed and held her arms up to be picked up.
Adriana whimpered in terror.
Jonny scooped up the cricket he was speaking with and ran to his father.
Then another voice, deeper and slightly older than the first wailed, "An' ye cannot help us . . .then feed us . . make us strong . . ." A ghostly face, like that of twelve year old boy, appeared in the window, his eyes red and glowing.
Spectral green and blue foxfire glittered in the air and then ten or twelve figures rose from the ground, hands reaching, faces twisted in fear and hatred. "Help us!"
"Feed us!"
"Hold me!"
"Hug me!"
Jeff was grateful Grace and Henry were safe on the other side of town with their friends' parents.
Adriana's bears formed a circle around the fathers and children.
"Rumple, whatever you're going to do...be careful!" David cautioned, not liking the looks of this one bit.
The ghostly children hovered in the yard, moaning and crying, looks of dreadful sorrow and terrible hunger upon their faces.
Rumple walked forward until he stood at the edge of the lawn. His hands glowed as he took a vial and sprinkled its contents upon the ground. "Salt. Bane of the dead."
The specters surged up against the barrier, howling when they realized they could not penetrate it.
"Aye, ye want me," Rumple nodded. "For like all ghosts, ye hate what I remind ye of . . . and ye cannae let go . . ."
"They wanna daddy..." Adriana sobbed into her uncle's shoulder. "An' a mama..."
Hands clawed at the air, and the crying increased.
"Hug me! Hold me!"
"They's lonely..."
"Yes, dearie. They want what they no longer have . . ." her father said. He lifted his hands. "Hush, little ones! If you wish to be free . . .free of this endless wanting . . .ye must do as I say . . ."
The Happy Army started crying too.
One ghost, a girl a little older than the others drifted forward. "Tell us . . .sorcerer . . .how can we be free . . we have been trapped . . .for many years . . .alone and hungry . . ."
"Papa...make them happy...please!" pleaded his child.
"Don't you worry Adriana, your papa knows what to do," her uncle said soothingly.
"Listen . . .ye are caught here, because ye died untimely . . .and ye linger because of the pain . . .but there is a way to let it go . . ." He sketched several symbols in the air, then chanted softly, "By the elements that I serve and the power within me . . I bid thee . . SLEEP! Sleep and know peace, and rise not again! To the Realms of the Blessed I send thee, where there is no pain, no suffering, and no dying. By the Light and my magic, I, Rumplestiltskin Gold, make it so!"
A wave of brilliant purple and white light curved out from his fingers and swept over the ghostly children. And as it touched them, they vanished. The last to leave was the girl who had spoken about being free.
"Thank you, Rumplestiltskin!" she called, then she too vanished into the light.
The spell swept through the house, freeing the other spirits trapped within it, and laying to rest the murdered ghosts.
"They happy now, Papa?"
"Yes, mo astor," Rumple said, wiping sweat from his brow. He leaned a bit more upon his cane as the magic drained his energy in payment. "They are happy now."
Archie set his niece on her feet so that she could go to her father.
Adriana ran to Rumple and threw her arms around his leg. "I love you, Papa!" she cried, and instinctively shared her own magical energy with him.
As he felt her strength enter him, Rumple picked her up. "No . . .no . . . Adriana, dearie . . . that's enough . . ."
"You tired...I help make you better!"
"I'm fine . . ." he protested.
"You tired..." She shook her head, then leaned over and kissed his cheek. As she did so, her magic flowed into him, renewing him, and she cried, "All better, Papa!"
"You stubborn minx!" he sighed. A True Love Healer, he thought ruefully, strong as ten ordinary sorceresses.
"Can we go back to Mister Rumple's now?" asked Ellie.
"Oughta burn that scary house first..." grumbled Maggie.
"The house can be demolished later," Rumple said. "I'll see to it. And the ground sown with salt and rowan seedlings and the earth turned. But for now, let's go home. You've got enough treats and now you've seen enough tricks for one night!"
"M'sleepy, Papa," Adriana yawned, cuddling against his shoulder.
"I know, sweetling. All magic comes with a price, " he murmured. Even for True Love Healer/Empaths. That talent was the strongest a child of true love could inherit, but it came with its own set of restrictions too . . .something he would have to teach her later on.
"Hey Daddy, Mickey wants to come live with us," Jonny said, pointing to the cricket on his shoulder.
"He looks a lot like Daddy did," Gisella said with a smile.
"Your mother is going to have my head on a platter!" Archie groaned.
"Why?"
She was already upset that they had a garter snake named Zach in the house.
"Do you have to ask?"
The other fathers started laughing.
"I think you're lucky you only have bears in the house, Rumple," David chuckled.
"Only that? It'll be more when she becomes a teenager. She'll call every injured animal within miles of her then!" Rumple said resignedly.
"I think I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight...again!" Archie sighed.
Rumple raised an eyebrow. "Again?"
"Oh that was my punishment when we 'adopted' Zach."
His brother-in-law chuckled. "Marie needs to relax. You need to get used to things like that when your lad is a nature mage. All the creatures recognize their auras."
"It was only one night but dammit I hate when she does that and she did it because Jonny left the lid off of Zach's cage and he scared the hell out of her by getting in the shower when she was in it."
Rumple burst out laughing. He could just imagine Marie's face. "That's priceless, dearie!"
"Never mind that I slipped and fell running into the bathroom to see what she was screaming about!"
"Must have been one helluva time at your house," Jeff said.
"Oh it was..."
"Yeah Mommy was really mad," Gisella added.
"Snow would have been too," David said.
"That wouldn't have bothered Regina," Robin remarked. "Now a bat in the house . . .that would have been blasted . . ."
"I've talked to some bats...they're pretty cool."
"John Wayne Hopper don't you even think of trying to bring a bat in the house. Do you want me to be sleeping on the couch for the rest of my life?" Archie asked his son.
"Bats don't like houses, Daddy. They're too bright . . .the lights hurt their eyes," his son said.
"Thank the gods!"
He glared at Rumple. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"
"What do you want me to say? No?" He giggled. "You're the father of a true love child, dearie. Unusual things happen around them so better get used to it."
Their wives were waiting for them when they got back to the house. Belle was worried when she saw how tired her husband and daughter looked.
"Rumple, what happened?"
"I had to banish some spirits, dearie. Child ones that were haunting what used to be the blind witch's house and it took more out of me than I thought. And our daughter insisted upon healing me."
"Come on sweetie...let's get you tucked in for a nap," Belle murmured and took their daughter from his arms.
"Rumple, why don't you lie down on the sofa for a bit?"
Regina took Ellie from Robin's arms. "Okay...looks like you all need a nap too," she said to her children.
"Just a wee bit," Rumple said and waved his hand and his Armani morphed into a pair of jeans and a white shirt. Then he went to lie down also.
"Mommy, Rumple beat up all the ghosts!" Maggie told Emma. "An' now he's tired 'cause ghostbustin's hard work."
"He didn't beat em up Maggie, he just sent 'em home ta their mamas an' papas," Neal corrected his niece.
"Whatever, Neal!"
He blew a raspberry at her. "Me an' Gru wanna nap."
"I wanna eat some candy!" Maggie said.
"Later, sweetie. Nap first."
She pouted. "M' not tired!"
"You're cranky so yes you are and you're going to sleep or no candy!" Emma threatened.
"Awright!" her daughter grumbled. "Tell me a story?"
"All right...come on Jeff. Let's get this little rugrat of ours tucked in."
"Right behind you, hon. And after that I'm having some of that chili I smell cookin' on the stove."
Rumple and Belle had set up some air mattresses for the children to sleep on when they got tired.
Marie reached out to take their son from Archie's arms and the cricket poked its head out from inside the pocket of his vest.
"What the...oh no! Archie, what..."
"Mommy, this is Mickey. Can I take him home, please..."
Father and son gave her the puppy dog look.
Belle giggled.
"Gets results every time," said Regina. "Even I'm not immune to it."
"All right," Marie moaned. "But you keep it in your room. And you...Archibald Hopper..."
He sighed. "...have a date with the couch again?"
Belle leaned down to whisper in her husband's ear. "You know if Adriana had that ability that would be me telling you that..."
Especially if her daughter brought a spider home...
"I should and I mean, should make you sleep on the couch tonight but dammit you know I can't say no to you when you look at me like that!" Marie huffed.
The other men smirked.
"And they said the manhood interventions didn't work," chuckled Jeff.
Rumple sighed. "Dearie, they didn't. She's resigned herself to the fact that this is what having a magical child is like. Trust me, my house is going to become like an ER when Adriana hits puberty . . .because every injured critter in Maine is going to feel her aura and come to be healed."
"Then we'd better plan on adding on a few rooms," Belle said.
"Or a whole other building, like a hospital," Rumple yawned. "Wake me up when Bae comes home." Then his eyes closed and he slept.
Bae and his friends were having a glorious time decorating the trees, flagpoles and even the football field with the wardrobes of the Wicked Witches of Storybrooke as they called Miss Harridan and Miss Blue.
"You gonna put Blue's Penthouse letters on Hale's desk now, Fire?" asked Bobby.
"Hell yeah! I want that bitch FIRED!"
They broke into the library to make copies of it first to show to his father in case Hale didn't get message.
Unlike those idiots Eti and Savannah, the Scorpions knew how to override a camera security system and alter recordings so there was no evidence of a break in...except a notebook on Mr. Hale's desk.
Pleased with their handiwork, they started the next phase of their plan, uploading the videos of the first two stages of their prank to Youtube.
Then they changed clothes to complete the final and dirtiest stage of their plan...backing up the sewers in both women's houses.
They waited until they were certain both women were asleep and broke back into their houses, locating the main sewer drain and tossed everything they could think of into it to clog it.
Bobby and Kat had been staking out both houses for several days and informed the others the two women awoke around the same times every night to either go to their kitchens or the bathrooms.
They were hidden in the bushes at Miss Harridan's house when a light came on in the kitchen.
"Wait for it..." Andi whispered.
Then they heard a scream and she ran out of the house in a bathrobe. "You bastards! You sick little bastards! You wait till I find out who you are. I WILL GET YOU!"
The Scorpions hi-fived each other. One down, one to go.
They were in their hiding spot at Miss Blue's house an hour later when her bathroom toilet overflowed with filth and she ran out of the house...with nothing on.
"THAT'S what men pay for nowadays?" Kat sneered.
"Holy hell...she's got more plastic than a credit card!" exclaimed Bobby.
Becky was laughing so hard she could barely hold the camera straight.
"Beck...point the camera over there...holy shit it's Hale...and he's naked!" Ewan cried.
Sure enough the principal was trying to sneak of Blue's house.
Bae couldn't believe his eyes. "No wonder she's allowed to keep working there. Dammit, we need the notebook back now! That evidence won't do a damn thing if he gets it."
"Maybe it will...now hear me out Bae. What if he thinks he and Blue are an item and if he finds out she's been writing porn about your dad...?" The former duchess was smirking.
"Umm . . yeah I see what you mean . . .hell hath no fury like a man scorned . . ."
"Didn't Marie say he doesn't know she works at the Foxtrot? We got her Bae, we got her!"
"And we got him too . . .cause sleeping with the staff ain't good behavior," Bobby crowed.
"Oh man your dad and Doc Hopper are gonna love this!" Becky sang.
"Ryan, where the hell are you going?" Blue demanded of her lover.
"Home! I'm not staying in a shithouse!"
"Dumbass shoulda got dressed first," muttered Andi.
"Merri, will you give my damned clothes!"
A pile of clothes was tossed at him.
The last thing the pranksters recorded was the principal of the school trying to get himself dressed while being screamed at by a woman he shouldn't have been involved with.
"Silly wabbit, tricks are for kids!" Bobby mocked.
The last thing they did was slip a copy of the notebook's entries under the door of Rumple's pawnshop on the way home.
Bae came in close to ten o'clock, almost late for his curfew. "Cutting it close there, dearie," Rumple said, awakening on the couch where he'd fallen asleep when he heard Major bark softly.
"I know, Papa. I just walked Andi home first," Bae said, holding his sack of candy.
"You have a good time then?"
"Yeah . . it was great!" He put the candy down on the kitchen table. "I'll split this up with Rumplette later. I'm kinda beat so . . night, Papa!"
"Night, Bae." Rumple continued on into his bedroom after Bae had departed down the hall to his own. It had been some Halloween . . and the after effects of that night were still to come.
Rumple awoke at his usual time and after kissing his wife and daughter goodbye and making sure his son left for school on time, went to his shop. He unlocked his door and disabled his alarm before opening it . . .and almost tripped over some papers stapled together. His cane sent them flying.
"What the hell?" he summoned them to him and saw they were in a woman's handwriting . . .
"What is this . . .some kind of prank?" he started to read . . .realizing he held in his hand some kind of diary . . . as he read the contents he felt his face growing redder and redder like a furnace about to explode.
HE was the subject of this . . . this pornographic fantasy . . .and so was Archie . . . he was appalled . . .and then as he reached the end, he saw a familiar signature . . .and he recalled a certain teacher turned stripper who worked at the Foxtrot.
"You . . .you miserable fricking WHORE!" he bellowed.
The bell over his door tinkled, indicating someone was in the shop.
His hands shook so badly he almost dropped the papers. "Bitch! Now ye've gone too far! NOW I'm gonna kick yer ass all right, dearie! Right the hell back to the brothel ye crawled out of, ye sanctimonious hypocritical lying daughter of demons!"
"Rumple! Are you in here?" his brother-in-law called out.
Rumple slammed his cane on the floor in a fit of rage and several objects were blown off the shelves as well.
"I take it you got this too?" Archie asked angrily, tossing a second envelope onto the countertop.
The pawnbroker jerked his head up. "Did you read-I have never felt so FILTHY in my life!"
"I had to stop after the first three pages..."
"I . . .I read most of it . . .and now I want to scrub out my brain with bleach!" Rumple snarled. "This cannot stand, Archie! This will not stand! I'm going to Hale this morning and demanding he fire her immediately! She's not fit to be around children!"
"You might want to hold off on that. Marie just got a phone call from Arista saying there's a video on YouTube of Hale sneaking out of her house last night...naked." His blue eyes blazed with anger. "Hypocrites...both of them!"
"So . . .the rabbit picked the wrong hole to hide in," Rumple growled. "And the wrong sorcerer to screw with!" He grabbed his keys from his pocket. "I'll wager he doesn't know what she really is . . .and if he wants to ever be able to hold his head up in this town again . . .he'll read this and fire her and then resign . . .or else I'll slap a lawsuit on him so fast his head will still be spinning!"
"I'm coming with you. I was willing to forgive and forget that little stunt the two of them pulled on me about taking Marie to the dance but not now!"
"Then let's go. I'm in the mood to beat someone with my cane of doom!"
Archie was having a difficult time keeping his own anger in check.
Bae and his friends were out in the hall getting their books for their next class when they saw his father and uncle walking toward Hale's office.
"Death rides a pale horse," Kat quoted softly.
"They all deserve what they get!" hissed Becky.
"Now they're gonna learn why NOBODY crosses Mr. Gold," Bobby whispered.
"The executioner and his mate have arrived," Andi said, and made a slashing motion across her throat.
"They'll all have to swim in their own shite," added Ewan.
"Oh how the mighty have fallen," Bae smirked. Then the bell rang and they scattered for their respective classes, wishing they could be flies on the wall in the office when everything went down.
"Mr Gold, Doctor Hopper, what can I do for you?" Hale asked pleasantly.
Gold shut the door with his foot. "What can you do for me, dearie? Have you seen this handwriting before?" he shoved the copied pages of the notebook at the principal. "I want you to read at least the first three pages so you can give me an accurate answer."
He leashed his temper for now, letting it bubble and smolder.
"And you might want to remember why people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!" Archie snapped.
The other man was shocked by what he was reading and nauseated. "Merri? She wrote this...this FILTH!"
"How do you think we feel, Ryan? We're the subjects of this trash!"
"Not only that, but how do you think we feel about one of your teachers being a stripper down at the Foxtrot? And I'm sure she does more than just take off her clothes!" Gold snapped hotly.
"W...What?! She's not...!"
"She is Ryan and you had the gall to accuse my wife of being a loose woman when she was nothing of the kind and you were dating the real one!"
"I saw her there with my own eyes the night of the damned manhood intervention!" Rumple pointed out
"As did I the night Marie and I met there during the curse."
The principal looked heartbroken.
"And if you don't believe us, you can always ask the other girls who work there," Rumple pointed out. "Though this and . . .the prank I heard about on the way here pretty much clinches things."
"Wh...what prank?"
"The ones that are all over YouTube," Gold called up the Internet on his phone. "And one of them shows this!"
"Did you forget what happened last night? Or did you miss the undergarments all over the place this morning?" Archie demanded.
He reached into his desk drawer and threw a small velvet box at the wall. "No need for this now is there? And she will no longer be working here!"
"That still doesn't help the fact that we feel violated after reading what she's written!"
"I feel worse now than I did when Milah cuckolded me with that pirate!"
"And I know how my wife felt when Gaston..." Archie shook his head.
"The question is, what are we going to do about it?"
"Let me handle this," Hale begged. He told them both he was firing her and breaking off their relationship. He knew it wasn't enough but it was a start. He'd been played for a fool but not any longer.
But he saw that Mr. Gold and Archie did not look appeased. "Uh . . .okay and I'll . . I'll write a statement in the Mirror tomorrow, apologizing to all the families here and also Marie, Archie, for misjudging her. And let it be known that I'm looking for a new teacher to replace Merri as soon as possible . . .and I'm going to do a thorough background check on whoever comes to be interviewed." He was sweating bullets. "Is that enough for you? You aren't . . .going to . . .to sue me are you?" He knew that if they did, they'd totally ruin him, and make him a pauper for the rest of his life.
"You put that article in the paper, Ryan, and I'll reconsider my first impulse, which was to drag you into court right along with your lover," Rumple said coldly.
"I will! I'll . . .I'll write it while you're watching me if you want!" Hale said, panicked. He picked up a piece of stationary and began to write hastily.
Then he shoved the statement at the two men.
Rumple read it and handed it to Archie. "That good enough for you?"
"Yes. That'll do. For what it's worth, I'm sorry she burned you, Ryan."
"You and me both," the principal said bitterly.
"I could have told you she was no good," Rumple snorted.
The two men left the office a few moments later, leaving Hale with his pride in tatters and a relationship in ruins.
Rumple spotted Bae coming out of his class and heading over to the cafeteria for lunch. "Bae, c'mere!"
Bae walked up to him, wondering if he had found out about the pranks they had pulled. "Papa, what's happened?"
"Something that should have a long time ago," Rumple said quietly. He gave his son a searching glance. "You'll find out soon enough, dearie. It's something to do with one of your teachers."
Bae heaved sigh of relief. "Um . . okay."
Then Rumple added slyly. "So, you were busy last night, weren't you, Baelfire?"
"Umm . . . yeah, real busy. Trick or treating and stuff," Bae said quickly, making eye contact with Rumple for a brief instant.
"That's what I thought," his father said, then he gave his son a knowing Look before he said, "See you at home, Bae."
Bae waved. "Bye, Papa." Then he watched as the older man limped out the doors, thinking that he'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to trick the one and only Rumplestiltskin.