This is a joint fanfic between my friend Marissa and me. This is based on a long running joke between us! Please note that is is done to be very funny, so don't take it seriously! Enjoy and comment!

Chapter 1-

Bella was sitting in her room, listening to Melissa Ethridge and thinking about Megan Fox when Edward climbed in through the window.

"BELLAAAA! Why are you being such a bitch to me?"

Bella rolled her eyes. Edward was being a whiney little pussy again.

"Edward," she replied in her deep man voice. "I already told you. Angela, Jessica and I are going to have a threesome- er, see a movie this afternoon. Go play with someone else."

"But Bellaaaaa," Edward complained in his whiney little bitch voice. "We haven't fucked in like two weeks! Bella, get on my penis!"

Just then, Carlisle climbed in the room through the window. His hair was windswept, and he was completely naked.

Bella looked at him in disbelief.

"Carlisle, what the fuck are you doing in my room? I told you that you are never allowed back in my room after I caught you trying to get Edward on your penis. And where are your clothes?"

Carlisle totally ignored Bella. "Edward, I want you to get on my penis. Now. A polar bear just ripped off all my clothes, so I think it's a sign that we should fuck."

Edward stomped his foot like a whiney little bitch. "CARLISLE! I told you not to bother me! I don't want to get on your penis! I want Bella to get on mine!"

"But Edward," Carlisle replied in his slightly less whiney, but very similar to Edward's voice voice. "Bella is a roaring dyke. She likes to eat beavers, not penises. So you should get on my penis, Edward! Bella's a butch lesbian!"

Bella was livid, and in her gruff man voice, yelled, "CARLISLE! WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU COME OFF SAYING THAT I AM GAY? YOU ARE SUCH A FLAMING FAG THAT LIBERACHI WOULD TELL YOU TO STOP GAYING UP THE PLACE!"

There was spittle hanging off of Bella's girl-stache, and quite frankly, she looked like a boner killer. Edward and Carlisle collectively cringed.

"You really fuck that? I'm so sorry." For once, Edward agreed with Carlisle.

Just then, the door bell rang.

"Oop, that's for me. I can't wait to eat those girls out, um… I mean, I can't wait to see that stupid romantic comedy with them… And totally masturbate to Katherine Hegel. I mean, eat pussy. Um, I mean popcorn. Masturbate to popcorn! Yeah…"

She ran out the door with a brief "Bye Eddy".

Like a little bitch, Edward stomped his foot. "OMG! She soooo knows that I hate it when she calls me Eddy! It is totes hip and cool to be called by your whole name. I read it in Cosmopolitan!"

A sly smile spread across Carlisle's face. "I read that fucking a man in the ass with your penis is the best way to "drive him wild" in last month's Cosmopolitan. Edward, do you want me to drive you wild?"

In a very whiney bitch way, Edward screamed, "NO CARLISLE! I don't want to get on your penis!"