Akatsuki and The Platinum Wedding

You've waited and it has arrived…Itachi's wedding. Prepare yourself for many high maintenance moments.

I don't own Naruto, any of its characters nor do I profit from anything I write.

The wedding binder that Dana and Itachi had begun putting together over a year ago was brimming full of ideas…so full in fact that there were so many you couldn't possibly sort through it all. Itachi was on the phone yelling at some innocent woman that worked for a cruise line.

"Look! I'm not just any groom, okay!? I'm hot, in fact I am SO HOT that I bet you I am the hottest groom that your cruise line has ever held a wedding for! No! No! I don't want to go to fucking Mexico! I said The Bahamas and I'm standing firm on that! Don't you give me that mouth! If I say The Bahamas then that's what it is and our ceremony is going to be in your grand entrance that is where it is going to be! And if it isn't available on my selected dates then you will work with my schedule and MAKE IT WORK! Okay, okay fine. June 27th it is. Remember, I'm hot so I will expect everything to be as hot as me. Yes, yes my bride is equally hot. Thanks. Bye. OH MY GOD! CRUISE LINE PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!" Itachi ranted after hanging up the phone. "Deidara! Deidara! DEIDARA GET IN HERE!" Itachi yelled for him.

"Did you like get the date set and everything, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"After some negotiating I did. Of course it's a week later than we wanted it, but it will do. Okay, first thing is first you and me and Marisol and Dana are going to shop for our outfits. Oh my god, Deidara we….are….going….to look….SO HOT!" Itachi said.

"Itachi! We can wear those fancy cotton linen shirts since it's a tropical wedding, yeah!" Dediara's eyes sparkled.

"Deidara….we can wear any kind of hot beach thing we want to." Itachi reassured him. Marisol came running downstairs screaming her head off.

"Did you know I was Dana's maid of honor!?!?" She was jumping up and down and flailing.

"Marisol, you've been Dana's maid of honor since before Itachi proposed to her." Kisame reminded her.

"Oh….yeah….I have….but this morning reminded me of it because we're going to pick out my dress!" And Marisol started screaming again. "Oh that reminds me…Lola and Konan are going to have to too, they have to pick out a dress. Dana wants them in the wedding also. "Lola! Hi Lola! Are you working on something because you have to stop because we're going shopping for bridesmaid dresses!" And Marisol screamed some more.

"Okay, okay honey…first stop screaming and second I appreciate the fact that Dana wants me in her wedding and everything but I don't' wear those fancy dresses like you and her like…I've got a really nice suit and I'll…." Marisol cut her off.

"No Lola! No, no, no! No suits! Suits are yucky! Now you and Konan are coming to try on gowns today! Oh and the best part is that Deidara and Itachi are going with us and they will totally give us their best fashion advice….WHICH IS USUALLY THE SAME AS MINE!" Marisol was screaming for the third time.

"Please….curb my excitement." Lola said with sarcasm just boiling over from her lips.

"Listen, it's great that you two are finally doing this s=cruise ship wedding thing but Itachi I swear if you are going to be a complete ass about getting married and make us do all your crap and treat us like shit tell me now so I can go live with Pein and Konan for a while." Kisame said laying down the law.

"No, no, no Kisame! You listen to me! This is MY wedding and it will be PERFECT. I have the perfect bride and the perfect best man so if you aren't going to cooperate with me then you CAN go live with Pein and Konan. However, you just play a minor role in this wedding. Deidara really has to do everything I want done." Itachi explained making some notes.

"That's nothing out of the ordinary." Kisame said under his breath.

"So, Itachi what's the budget for your wedding?" Kakuzu was just dying to know.

"$200,000 dollars." Itachi said as if that was no big deal at all. Kakuzu's face went white. For a minute Hidan thought Kakuzu would hit the floor and he didn't really care. After all, Kakuzu had pissed him off earlier that morning when he was trying to talk to Yunko on the phone and as far as Hidan was concerned if he fell on his ass then it was his own payback for being annoying.

"Okay! Come on let's go! Come on Lola, come on Lola, come on Lola, yeah!" Dana yelled at her trying to tug Lola off the couch. "Itachi is ready to leave and we are so going to have fun trying on gowns today, yeah! AGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" If all Dana and Marisol were going to do today was scream it was going to be a long day. Lola sighed and rolled her eyes. She looked at Sasori apprehensively and got up off the couch.

"Lola, I can tell you right now you're going to have to drop 15 pounds! Dana has divine taste and anything she would pick is going to look like shit on you." Itachi told Lola blatantly.

"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL MAN!? YOU JUST…OH MY GOD WHAT IF I'M BLIND! YOU MORON!" Itachi was whining because Sasori had just hauled off and hit him in the side of the head.

"You deserved that." Sasori told him.

"Listen, I don't do wedding shit. If you're going to talk to me like that then you can just go to hell right now and count me out of your wedding, hell I won't even go! It's no skin off my back!" Lola told Itachi.

"Itachi, you need to be nicer, yeah, I know you're on edge but I want Lola in our wedding!" Dana pleaded with him to lighten up.

"Fine…anything for you Dana. I still think she's fat." Itachi whispered that last part to Deidara. So, off they went! Out the door and to some trendy boutique downtown….welcome to 3 hours of hell Lola. Once they were gone Sasori sighed and laid down on the couch.

"Seriously, what's wrong?" Hidan asked.

"Oh nothing Hidan. I just have a feeling that I'm going to have to kill Itachi by the end of the day. Will you have a glass of whiskey with me? I'm worried about Lola."

"I'm on it." Hidan said.

"You know he's going to be a total bitch until this damn wedding is over right? I mean, we have to put up with his crap until we get our asses on that boat, get to the Caribbean and get them married!" Kisame said.

"I agree completely. Think about it…if any of us are destined to kill him before the wedding it will be Pein who snaps. He gets so sick of Itachi's antics anyway and he doesn't even live with him!" Zetsu did have a good point.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but…I actually feel sorry for Deidara. Itachi is going to have him exhausted and frazzled by the end of this wedding." Sasori said taking a glass of whiskey from Hidan.

"I'm almost afraid to ask Yunko to go on this cruise of a wedding but I would really like to have her there seriously." Hidan said.

"Oh Hidan! Give it up! Leave her here! It's not like you're going to get lucky! You're staying in a cabin with me!" Kakuzu said.

"No I'm not!" Hidan shouted at him.

"Yes you are! If we stay together we will save a total of $351.77 cents!" Kakuzu said shoving his figures into Hidan's face.

"Again dumbass I don't care!" Hidan said. "Sasori can I borrow your phone?"

"Sure, drag Yunko into this shit. Hey, Hidan don't let me drink mor than three of these. I swear if Dediara comes home and starts shoving catalogs in my face I might hurt him." Sasori told Hidan.

"Don't worry man. Seriously, I will take care of you." Hidan reassured him.

"Crap….I just thought of something…we're in this wedding too aren't we?" Zetsu said. "That means…Tobi is going to have to do something…anything and it can't be important. Oh god…Dana's going to have to give him something stupid to do. Like…be the…insane old lady inspector at the door. You know, he can inspect the guests to make sure none of them are insane old ladies! And since there won't be any insane old ladies at this wedding to shame all over weddings then Tobi's job will be easy!" Zetsu seemed to have this all figured out. He couldn't wait to run it by Dana. Well, let the insanity begin!