Nostalgia
This feeling is bright as day … and dark as night.
This feeling that is consuming me, it's bright as day.
It's so obvious, so clear, because that's how I feel, that's how I act.
The day we met, I knew there was something different about you, that I would eventually fall for you. Because that was my fate, our fate. But what I didn't know was … that I would love you from the deepest depths of my heart at first sight. The day you proposed that we should try to get along, the day you introduced, holding out your palm encouragingly, the urge to take your hand, to hold it caringly to my chest, was completely overwhelming.
Because this feeling is bright as day.
This feeling that is confusing me, it's dark as night.
As this feeling bites through my chest, as it treads upon my very will to live, it only leaves pain and torture in its wake. I fear. I fear that you do not love me. I fear that I'll have to survive without you.
This feeling may be forbidden. Am I not supposed to love you? Are you the enemy? My mind is a wreck, I do not know what to believe in. Please … guide me through my darkest hours, my most melancholic nights. Because I love you and only you. I'd live for you. I'd die for you. Because you are my one and only beloved.
Because this feeling is dark as night.
This feeling that is captivating, it's bright as day.
Your long hair that flows in the wind, it's simply beautiful. Your serene eyes, the colour of delicate amber, of valuable gold, they fascinate me. They hold a sincere care. They hold an untainted concern. They hold an engaging curiosity. They hold a burning passion. I adore them, your strong eyes.
Your face, pale as porcelain, it's effortlessly appealing. As you move your mouth to smile that sweet grin of yours, the very sight is enticing. As you smile, a strange glint comes to your eyes, an unrecognizable flame.
Every time you close your eyes, your body which is usually stiffened, which is usually rigid, is at peace, and I must stop myself, I must resist from caressing your face.
I can see it all so closely, so descriptively, as I am always with you.
Because this feeling is bright as day.
This feeling that is undeniable, it's dark as night.
It's tainted. Perhaps I do not really love you. Perhaps.
But I know this is not true. I know I am lying when I say this. Because I know this feeling for you is right, and I know it isn't just some "crush".
I remember the days. When I forced myself to make insults, to torture you. When I awaited your reactions, it felt as if the seconds were slowly ticking by one by one, mocking me. Would you be mad at me? Would you fight back? Would you be saddened?
Every time, I would see your eyes darken, only for a moment, until you countered back with your own remarks. My heart would shatter when I saw you down, but as soon as you were back to your old self, a great burden would be relieved.
Because this feeling is dark as night.
This feeling that monopolizes my very mind, it's bright as day.
I had hopes. I had a certain hunch in the pit of my stomach, that you loved me. And that suspicion, was potentially confirmed. I remember it like it was only the day before. I remember exactly what I thought.
Today is the day we graduate from Seiyo Elementary. Emotions are rushing through my small body. I must stop myself from telling you that I love you.
"Rima-chan!" you say, as I am about to exit the school's gates.
I notice that your face is serious, specifically your eyes. My heart beats erratically. Will you tell me that you despise me? Or maybe … the exact opposite? But I can't wait. Instead, I tell him.
"I have something to say!" we blurt in unison. I smile and he smiles as well.
"Ladies first," he says.
I walk closer to him and take his hand. He blushes. The main expressions on his face are curiosity and … hurt.
"From the first time we met," I begin, "until now, I've always loved you. It may not quite seem like it, but I care about you."
I know it doesn't sound like something I would say, but I don't care. At the moment, my only thoughts revolve around Nagihiko.
He looks overjoyed for a moment … until he hardens his face, and perhaps hardens his heart.
He tugs my hand a little, and he hugs me, crouching down to my height. But I am worried. Why is he acting so strangely?
He says, "I'm sorry, Rima-chan, but unfortunately, I don't feel the same way about you." Now that I reevaluate this conversation, think about it again for however many days I was without you, I can tell that your speech is forced, that you possibly don't mean what you say. Nonetheless, I cannot change what I did.
I push you back harshly and slap you on the cheek, which is at my level.
I smirk, contradicting with the tears running down my face.
"Don't touch me," I say calmly, the smirk still plastered on my face, the tears still streaming.
Kneeling on the ground, a pleading look on your face, it looks pathetic.
But I know this is not what I actually think. You do not look pathetic to me. You look endearing. You look beautiful. You look … pained. I want to help you. I want to help you in the light of the sun, so that I will at least look a fraction as beautiful, as kind, as caring as you.
Because this feeling is bright as day.
This feeling that I do not have the right to experience, it's dark as night.
I should not be able to feel this. For I brought it upon myself.
The day that Nagihiko was no longer a part of my worthless life. The day I threw everything away. Oh how I hate that day.
It is a school day, and like everyday, I wear my clothes and walk to school, hoping to see the friends that have been with me for what seems like forever. I go to school, pretending that the event that occurred yesterday was nothing, hoping that we can go back to fighting with each other at the least. But I find something different.
At the school gates, I see Yaya crying, Kukai crouching down beside her. Amu is standing nearby, a glum look on her face.
I walk over to her, my own face starting to gloom over.
"What is it?" I ask. Amu isn't ever her self anymore. Ikuto left two years ago … and never came back.
"Nagihiko's gone," she says, despair in her voice. The moment she says the fateful word "gone" I collapse.
"Why?" I ask, I can't help but think that it is my fault.
"He's gone back to Europe to study dance. He had no choice. His mother told him he had to," she continues, a look of pity in her eyes. She knows I love him, just as she loves Ikuto.
"I told him," I say suddenly, and she has sympathy in her eyes.
"He said the exact opposite, didn't he?" she asks, understanding in her voice. I nod weakly and begin to cry.
She kneels down beside me and holds me, it almost reminds me of Nagihiko, but it's not the same. Not at all.
I continue to cry until she utters the words, "He didn't mean it." I look up, surprised. It's cruel, to give a girl false hope, but I can tell she is not lying.
"He didn't mean it, because he told me … that he loves you too," she says, smiling a little. I think for a minute and do not understand.
"He was trying to spare you," she says, "he didn't want to tell you that he loved you, and then leave you. He didn't want you to expect that he would come back. He didn't want … to be like I-Ikuto," she stutters.
I understand now. Ikuto left, leaving Amu hopeful, and Nagihiko doesn't want to be like that. Because h-he loves me.
I throw away everything, as the devastating thought that Nagihiko loves me back registers into my mind. I throw everything away … except for my friends … except for my memories. You'll come back? It's useless to believe in such a thing and I know it. It's useless to pine after something so trivial.
Because this feeling is dark as night.
This feeling that I attempt to reject.
This feeling that is unbearably bittersweet. The sweet days and years that I tell myself not to forget, ignoring the bitter pain that it inflicts on my very mind, my very heart, and my very soul.
This feeling that I regret.
This feeling that I loathe so much, but at the same time, hold dear to me.
This feeling that is my only connection to you.
This feeling … that is a pure longing for what was, and what is solely … the past.
A/N: Almost forgot! I don't own Shugo Chara! Constructive Criticism welcome! Hope you enjoyed my first one-shot. R&R!