Hi All
This is a repost of an older story that I wrote a few years ago. Dedication is to duchess-susan who persuaded me to resurect the story-Thanks!
SHAMELESS PLUG! If you want to know more about Shawn and Millie's relationship, read Royal Logbook of Lancre. Cookies to anyone who figures out Queen Ynci's battle cry!
I dont own discworld, I wish I did.
A Vampire (and yes they were vampires. They had lost the Y when they lost the Count) sashayed forward. She wore a figure hugging black dress, showing her five stone body off to its best effect. She wore almost an entire eyeliner pencil and dark red -no that's not lipstick staining her lips.
"Vlad..." it was more a purr than a voice.
"Oh Heiraglyphymosadictalotta....." He leaned forward into a long kiss with her.
"Wait...what about that Agnes?" a note of doubt crept into Heiraglyphymosadictalotta's voice. "Am I just a distraction from the witch?"
"What, you mean fat, ugly Agnes? Darling I've forgotten her"
"She did have good hair though...."
"And a wonderful personality" Vlad laughed cruelly "the less said the better. Shall we?" He led her off into a side room where vague whimpers could be heard from what was obviously dinner...
The whimpers became screams, rising to a petrified crescendo ...
NO!!
Agnes and Perdita woke simultaneously, sweating, Terrified. But it was nothing to do with the screams, or what the screams meant. No, this was a more personal terror, the thought that maybe Vlad was...
No, she chided herself. It was only a dream. It meant nothing. Besides if he had got together with a gorgeous, thin, witty, gothic, dangerous, female vampire called Heiraglyphymosadictalotta, then Agnes was delighted for him...right?
Perdita of course was furious, outraged, frothing at the mouth (and to be honest enjoying the chance to do so). She wanted to introduce that...that... vampire... to an axe, a stake, a cartload of garlic, a crate of lemon. She wanted to throw poppy seeds (preferably flaming ones) over Hieraglypha-whatsit. Or better shove them in a very personal and uncomfortable place, and steal her socks. All of them. Then shove them where the sun doesn't shine. She wanted to...
She was halfway out of bed before Agnes reclaimed control from a fuming Perdita. She glanced around the familiar bedroom taking in the teddy bears, the doilies on the dresser, and the flowers in a vase on the windowsill. This was her room. It was solid, steady and above all safe. But not tonight. Nothing was out of place but the room felt wrong anyway. Sinister somehow. The shadows were too long, the darkness too deep. She felt like the room was too small, closing in on her.
Well, Perdita interjected if you would lose some weight, we might have more room.
"Shut up" Her voice sounded hollow in the empty room.
She decided to have a cup of tea to calm her nerves. Perdita would rather have had some strong liquor.
Big, Pink and gloriously wobbly, she sounded like some kind of cocktail. She could've been his. She should've been his. Maybe he could find her? If that damn priest wasn't there of course....If He was Lacci would have some fun...Mind you she was already having far too much fun.
There were a few muffled screams, a clank of machinery, some organic sounds and a bout of swearing.
Vladmir de Magpyre sighed. Laccrimosa had been trying to get a more efficient torture chamber up and running. She had a rack, an iron maiden, a crushing iron boot, a furnace with leather straps, thumbscrews, a collection of bagpipes, some rather interesting looking needles, fluids of a greenish nature and a piano for her to play. It was unclear which of these would strike the most fear into Lacci's victims. Probably her piano playing.
The cause of her rather original swearing was an enormous machine of some description. It looked like a stretcher with rubber cups, waterpower, a few cogs and a BIG lever. It also looked incredibly painful. Lacci was trying to install it into her already overcrowded torture chamber. It wasn't cooperating.
"Uncle would you please stop her? She already has the best equipped torture chamber in all of Uberwald. Besides twelve people have died just moving the thing into the chamber!"
"Lacci did get hungry on three occasions, to be fair to the beast." murmured Count de Magpyre distractedly. The count was looking over plans for his holiday home in Genua "Stayawayfromthe villa". It had a gift shop.
"Are you paying attention uncle? Please?"
"Hmm...How about a cafe? It could be called "don'teatinthegourmet cafe". "
"Inventive."
"I'm thinking about a presidential suite as well"
Vlad gave up. Walking, or more correctly sulking, up to his tower he began to wonder -what was she doing?
At that particular point in time Agnes was trying to keep a semblance of sanity during the coven meeting at Nanny's cottage. That was the easy part. Trying to keep Perdita quiet was somewhat harder. Besides she knew that Nanny and Granny knew what was happening. They just didn't know how exactly both Perdita and Agnes felt.
She hoped.
"Tea"
"Yes Nanny"
"Biscuit"
"Yes Nanny"
"So then I told our Shawn he has to stop this business with that castle girl. I won't have a Chillum in the family. I won't, I told him," said Nanny Ogg
"Well naturally the Chillum family are a bit cross at this, so then our Dreen was told by Norbut that the Chillum's have decided they don't want an Ogg of any sort in the family" Nanny pointed out
"So then I said to our Shawn, he better get down on one knee right now because I want that girl an Ogg before Hogswatch" supplied Nanny.
It struck her that she hadn't received any murmurs from Agnes, nor any nasty comment from Granny.
Nanny Ogg looked at her coven members in surprise. They weren't right...It was this damned Uberwald business. Agnes/Perdita was missing lover boy and Esme was...was...
Well Nanny wasn't quite sure about that.
"Esme..."
"What?" The word was thrown like a knife
"Are you..."Nanny Ogg tried and failed to find a good way to ask if she was alright. If she phrased it wrong then Granny would deny anything was wrong and sulk for a whole day. If she phrased it right she would be accused of trying tact and Granny would sulk for a whole day. Best just to leave her alone, she thought "...thirsty?" she finished.
"I'm perfectly fine, thank you Gytha and if you try anything funny you'll be on your knees croaking." Granny smiled mirthlessly "it's a terrible thing for a grown woman to be on the floor acting like a frog"
Now Nanny knew something was wrong. Granny had been nasty in every way under the sun (even inventing a few new suns in order to fit them in) but she had never been threatening towards her friend. At the risk of provoking Granny further, possibly just be breathing to loudly, Nanny decided to probe Agnes instead.
"So Agnes, hear from that priest of yours yet?"
"No" One word spoken in a tone that said in no uncertain terms the subject is closed.
"How about the vampire? Sorry vampyre."
"No"
Nanny wasn't any good at headology and she certainly couldn't read minds. But she was a witch and given that Agnes was doing the mental equivalent of yelling from the rooftops, it was hard not to pick up on her train of thought.
"So..." said Nanny in the voice psychiatrists use when they have bad news and want to break it gently, without their patients jumping off the chair and start tearing down, and possibly eating, the walls. "Who's Heiraglyphymosadictalotta? "
Agnes sprayed tea all over the cottage wall. (This always happens when someone is presented with a shock. In humorous movies anyway. It's probably all down to quantum.)
"Now look" said Nanny. "Do you know how long that will take to clear up? Tea soaks in you know...the stain won't come out" Two timid looking daughters-in- laws crept in to start the cleaning process. "Anyway who is this Heira-thingee?
"No one, no one at all" she spluttered wiping tea off of her chin.
"Then why is a steady stream of death threats to her floating through your mind?"
A soggy biscuit tried to join the tea. Unfortunately, for them, the two daughters-in-law were now standing directly in the line of fire....
Please Review