James: Back to Legend of Zelda baby!!
Daen: Oh boy… here we go. How are you gonna screw this one up?
James: Oh ye of little faith, I am an OOT expert and I am working on mastering the others… I won't screw up. But just in case I am going to make this COMPLETELY AU… yes, I am going to follow my OWN STORYLINE AND ANYTHING GOES!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Daen: Well as long as you promise me that Edan won't be joining us then I guess it's fine by me.
James: Oh, you won't have to worry about that! Because you and he are going to be concentrating on the Naruhina! You won't be helping me with this one. Congratulations people this will be my version of a CRACK FIC!!!! –laughs like the madman he is-
Daen: …Whatever…
James: Ok, here's the deal. I am going to write this as I go along. It will be a side project and probably won't always be the best quality. This fic is going to be SO random that not even I will know what happens next! There will probably be a lot of OOC-ness and for that I am sorry… ok, no I'm not. Anyway, this will probably be placed in OOT Hyrule…BUT will probably have a few TP aspects in it here or there… . . ooooh this should be funny… Ok, a few things to know and a few to remember: 1) the sages have returned to Hyrule now that Ganondork is securely sealed in the Sacred Realm. 2) Link has found Navi, who is now wanted for treason by the Great Deku Tree (turns out only Kokiri are allowed to have fairies and now that Link knows he's a Hylian she is technically not allowed to be with him… as if rules ever mattered to Link.) 3) Link is still engaged to Ruto who is out for blood or marriage (whichever she can get first) 4) Saria (who looks to be about 9) is 23 years old… . . Link is 12… 4) Lon Lon milk is special… for a reason. XD aaaand 5) NEVER EVER take Link's Hat away… ever…0.0 DON'T DO IT!!!
Daen: Will you hurry up and write the damn thing already!!! –leaves to go back to Naruto: The Hinata Chronicles-
James: I may own nothing now but… I WILL own the Legend of Zelda franchise someday… and then I will become Hokage, believe it!!! Oh, wait, wrong fic… ;
A pleasant breeze swept through the wide, lush Hyrule Field. The sun was shining brightly and the breeze was warm and refreshing. But that is SO not where this story takes place… Cut to the Lost Woods, where a green clad kid with a Hero complex and his loudmouth but kind hearted… no… I won't lie to you like that… -ahem- his loudmouth, and more than a little unstable, fairy were running for their lives in the dark maze of trees and underbrush from a mob of angry deku shrubs. Normally the young boy named Link would be fighting these monsters… unfortunately for him the monsters are, for once, the good guys. You see Link and Navi were now on the run from the Jungle Law, a group of forest monsters, Kokiri, and fairies all dedicated to keeping the law set down by the Great Deku Tree.
"Crap, crap, crap. BIG DEKU!!!" yelled a very stressed out Link. "Why the hell didn't you tell me it was against the law for non-Kokiri to have fairies BEFORE YOU LEFT!!!"
Navi, who was hiding under his hat and clinging to Link's hair for dear life, said nothing.
Taking yet another blind turn in the mystical and quite confusion maze that is the Lost Woods, Link came across a welcome site, a small, unnatural spring with a magical portal near the bottom. Without even a moment to think, Link dived in swimming down to the portal and coming up for air in Zora's domain, glad to be rid of his pursuers. For a moment Link simply floated there on his back, catching his breath and relaxing as the tiny waves made by the nearby waterfall massaged his tired muscles. He was finally starting to fell really good when out from his hat pops an irate and waterlogged, blue fairy muttering curses before slamming into his face, tiny fist first.
"What the hell you jerk!? Next time you decide to take a swim WARN ME FIRST!" griped Navi, her normally blue glow growing purple in her ire. "Jackass!"
"I love you too, Navi" Link said idly, sighing in comfort. Suddenly Link could hear a strange melody playing. Though he of course doesn't recognize it, you or I would know it as that song from "Jaws"
'Duun Dun… Duun dun.. Duun dun, duun dun…'
Looking around in a panic, and not sure what to expect Link finally saw it, a dark shadow swimming through the water heading straight for him. Link, his heart pounding with fear tried hard to swim to the shore but whatever it was in the water was too fast. Swimming under him it came up right in front of him and attacked!... with a bone crushing hug and a loud, fan girlish, shriek of joy.
"LINK!!! You've returned to me!!" cried Ruto, just before her weight dragged both her and link down underwater.
Completely oblivious to Link's need for breathable air, Ruto snuggled him close, cuddling him and dragging him further towards the bottom. It wasn't until he stopped his frantic struggling that she realized something was wrong… and by then he was dead. With a gasp she let go of Link's corpse and watched it start to float to the surface. Thankfully Link had remembered to bottle a few fairies in case of problems. Seeing her captor dead the fairy popped the cork on the bottle and revived him. Link broke the surface of the water with a gasp and swam to the shore before Ruto could catch up. But seeing her fiancé alive once more Ruto came at him again. Lucky for Link he saw her coming this time and, without a second to spare, played the Prelude of Light on the Ocarina of Time. Just as Ruto dived in for another hug fest, babbling about their "wedding day", Link was whisked away to the Temple of Time by the song's Magic. The last thing her heard of her was, "Noooo!!! I WANT TO MARRY YOU AND HAVE YOUR BABIES!!!!!" A sentence he prayed he'd never hear again.
Sighing in relief at finally being safe from certain doom, Link slumped against the wall of the Temple.
"Thank the goddesses I managed to get away in time…" he said while trying to regain composure.
Suddenly the temple was filled with three, powerful, ominous, and definitely female voices all speaking in unison.
"Hero of Time… you are most welcomed…" the disembodied voices said.
Link nearly pissed himself then and there
"What the fuck?! Who's there, who said that!!??" He said, drawing the Kokiri sword from it's sheathe and readying his shield.
"Why we did of course" said one of the voices and suddenly a bright crimson light filled the room and in front of Link stood a beautiful, busty, redheaded goddess dressed all in red. "Silly boy."
Link of course couldn't help but to stare and in barely more than a whisper he swore, "By Din's Flames!"
This caused the goddess to smile at him in amusement but her smile did nothing to lessen Link's shock. Slowly, cautiously, he made for the door, walking backwards so as not to take his eyes of the powerful being before him.
"Nayru protect me," he prayed as he inched towards the door; and with that he turned and ran, face first into the ample buxom of the blue haired goddess of wisdom.
"Oh dear… how bold," the new goddess scolded before enveloping the poor boy in a hug, burying his face deeper into her cleavage. "You called on me my dear boy?"
The goddesses were laughing at him and Link wanted nothing more than to join his half terrified half mortified fairy inside the meager protection of his hat. To top it off, he was having trouble breathing and Nayru's boobs were slowly smothering him to death! Though to be honest, Link knew there were worse ways to die. Just then the Goddesses laughter stopped dead as a very angry and very powerful voice resounded through the small temple.
"What the hell do you girls think you are doing?!" said Farore, goddess of courage and life.
"Aww, lighten up, Fae-Fae," said Din, chuckling lightly. "We were just havin' a little fun!"
"I will NOT lighten up, Din," shouted the angry goddess. "and Nayru for wisdom's sake let the poor boy go before you smother him to death! How many times do I have to tell you that Hylians need air!?"
"Aww, but he's so cute!" whined the blue haired Nayru.
Suddenly the air became thick with what Link, through years of experience, learned to recognize as pure murderous intent.
"Let him GO, Nayru!" screamed the now irate Farore. "How can I have his child if he's dead?!"
"Oh right, sorry sis!" said Nayru, letting the now frantically struggling Link go.
Link however was not ready to be released so suddenly and his struggling sent him stumbling backwards towards Din. Unable to keep his balance our green clad hero fell flat on his back… his head right between Din's ankles, giving him a most perfect peek up the crimson haired Goddess' skirt. Unfortunately for Link he has a nasty habit of thinking out loud…
"Din's actually a blond?" was all he managed to say before being dragged into the air by his collar by an angry goddess of power.
"Perverted little prick!!!" was the last thing he heard. Next thing he knows his face hurts like hell and he is flying through the air at an alarming speed. Over the altar and past the doors of time he flew finally hitting the master sword at literally breakneck speeds. Unfortunately for everyone it was also at break-sword speeds… The goddesses looked on in horror as Link's momentum snapped the Master Sword in two…
Suddenly the earth began to shake and a dark, evil light erupted from the stone in which the broken tip of the master sword was still embedded, it's magic now gone. Evil laughter filled the temple echoing off its walls as the form of a man began to take shape in the evil light. Everyone's attention was so intent on the figure in the light that no one noticed Link's second fairy revive him. Suddenly a shockwave of malevolent energy knocked everyone, even the goddesses, to their feet and there, standing over the remains of the Master Sword, stood the King of Evil: Ganondorf!
"Oh shit!" cried Din as she pulled herself off the floor. "It's Ganondork!"
"Din you blithering idiot!" shouted Farore as she rose to her feet. "This is all your fault!"
"Ooooh, it's GANNY!!!" squealed a blushing Nayru. "He's so dreamy…."
Ganondorf laughed maniacally as he watched the mostly frightened goddesses getting up off the floor.
"Haha! Finally I am free!" he monologued as Din left to get popcorn. "You fools have freed me and now I shall unleash my wrath upon this world! Blah Blah Blah…"
Hoping to use the distraction of Ganondorf's incredibly long and boring monologue to get away, Link crawled along past him getting ready to make a mad dash for the door. Unfortunately Ganondork saw him and laughed, using his foul magic to freeze Link's feet in place in front of him. Link struggled to get free but it was useless, he was caught.
"Oh look the Zero of Time!" scoffed the victorious Ganondorf. "Once I take care of you the rest of Hyrule will be child's play… but first I will get rid of that damned fairy hiding under you hat! That annoying pest won't be helping you get out of this one."
And with that Ganondorf reached down and plucked Link's hat, fairy and all, from his head. Suddenly Link froze and the light in the temple flickered. Something was horribly wrong. The entire temple was suddenly silent, even the ever present Song of Time had stopped playing. Even Ganondorf's laughter had been silenced which shocked him since he wasn't done laughing. Looking down at Link he noticed that Link's normally green tunic had turned black and his normally blond hair and taken a sinister, crimson hue. Ganondorf and the goddesses watched in horror as Link's head turned a full 180 degrees around to stare Ganondorf in the eyes. His eyes bugging out, Link let out a soul shredding shriek as he lunged for Ganondorf., who only had time to let out a single, girly scream before being engulfed in a Link typhoon.
The goddesses watched on in horror as Link inflicted horror upon horror on his foe. The things that small boy did to Ganondorf were unspeakable. Finally, after only a few seconds, a bloodied, partially disemboweled, and decapitated Ganondorf crawled using his left arm, the only limb he had left, to the goddesses to beg to be sealed once more into the sacred realm or anywhere else for that matter, just so long as he could be far, far away from the horrible being known as "Hatless Link". The goddesses quickly obliged. Meanwhile link was sitting on the ground, back to normal, and hugging his beloved hat to his chest.
"Myyyyyyy precioussssssssssss," he hissed to himself, cuddling his hat.
The goddesses stared in horror at the young child, their minds blown at the child's horrendous power. They were so stunned that not one of them could say or do anything as the boy, his hat safely back on his head, walked out the door and into the city. Finally, Farore, the most courageous of all the goddesses found her voice and whispered to herself in awe, "Oh god… I SO want to have his babies…"
James: And there you go. The first Chapter of my first Crack Fic. –dons the Goron Tunic and prepares for Flames- XD Please remember to review. I DO read my reviews and enjoy reading even the flames sometimes. Also, let me know if you want me to bother to continue this fic, for now it's just a stress reliever so I have no clue if I'm even going to write another chapter.