"Break The Spell"
This is a story of Cap and the birth of his seventh son, Deklan Trapper. This is a journal that Cap did to cope with Deklan's eventual diagnosis of autism and how it affected him personally. This is all done in Cap's First Person POV. Also, Cap and Mike Stoker are brothers in law.
Disclaimer: Cap and the Station 51 crew along with the Rampart crew are not mine and my made up characters are not for public domain without permission. No money is made with this; it is for the pure enjoyment and pleasure of writing.
The Beginning
I am a father for the seventh time. I have been given a beautiful, healthy baby boy. He's got hair all over his head and it is as dark as mine. Most of the Brood had lighter color hair, pretty much taking after Emily. Even at birth their hair was lighter. He's the first one whose hair is as dark as mine. I like that. His eyebrows are just a tiny little bushy too like his father's. I like that too. I have decided minutes after his birth he will be as handsome as his father when he grows up! As it was with the rest of the boys, it my honor to name him. So after some careful considerations I have decided he will bare the name of Deklan Trapper Stanley. Emily rolls her eyes and said "Deklan Trapper?" at the suggestion but then decided that it will work out fine. She is so beautiful. She makes my life so complete. Her labor wasn't long. Only twelve hours and we were thankful for that. And Deklan Trapper decided to be born on one of my days off. That was even sweeter. I was with her the whole way and even if it is my seventh time doing this, I still marvel at the miracle of life and birth. There are no words to describe it. None at 'tall. I am higher than a kite. Six other times I have been higher than a kite. I am a blessed man. Very blessed indeed.
Two Weeks Later
Deklan Trapper has reminded us what it's like to have a newborn in the house. He's been on crazy hours and when I'm not working, I get up wee hours in the morning to feed and change him. Quality time. I marvel at how beautiful he is. Tori and Mike Stoker have been a wonderful help. They have taken the boys and kept them overnight throughout and they enjoy being with their cousins, Blayze Steven and Blayde Jordan. They are also good kids. We have talked with Mike and Tori about starting homeschooling with the kids. Don't know where it will lead. I don't want my kids in public school because they don't get the Religious Instruction that I had when I was in Parochial School. Mike and Tori are also Catholic, maybe we can look into homeschooling so that they will get the instruction that I prefer them to have. Kaitlyn Emily and Myranda Leah Ann are getting to the age where they need to have two years of Religious Instructions so that they can take theirFirst Communion. It is very important to me and to Emily.
Back to Deklan, these past couple of weeks, with the crazy schedule he's been on, I have noticed already that he is asserting his independence. He's fussy when we hold him or cuddle him which to me is weird but Emily assures me some babies are like that. I don't recall any of the rest of our children doing that at two weeks old. I made an off chance remark wondering if we have a genius in the family. Time will tell.
One Month Later
Deklan Trapper seems to be doing much better. Whatever problem he had shortly after birth seems to have gone away. I teased with Emily suggesting that maybe he just wasn't ready to be born and was grouchy because he didn't want to come out into the world yet! Emily rolls her eyes and tells me I have quite the imagination. Who knows? There may some truth to that.
Anyway, it's much better. He's responding to touch, cuddling and the like. He's starting to develop a personality which is probably going to be like his Old Man's because he looks so much like his Old Man! I marvel in how much he looks like me more and more each day. His sisters are just nuts about him. They love to help feed and change him as they did with the previous siblings before him. They have been a big help.
Deklan's still on a crazy schedule. When I'm not working, I get up with him and help feed him and change him. He didn't take to Emily's nursing him too well so we just give him milk via the bottle. Curious because the six before him did well. But deep down inside I might be just a tad happy it worked out that way because I can actually give him a bottle and spend wonderful quality time with him. The six before him I couldn't do that for obvious reasons. So this is different and I find myself thankful and happy with the fact that I can bottle feed him. Again, I think m'boy is asserting his independence at a very early age. We'll have to wait to see what happens.
Six Months Later
Deklan Trapper is seven months old and he is his father's son. Oh man. He has so many of my behaviors. My mom and dad marvel at how much he has in common with me at that age.
His favorite thing in the whole world is his pacifier. Sometimes he seems to have an obsessive attachment to the dam thing. I swear sometimes the only time it's not in his mouth is when he's eating or drinking. I don't recall his siblings being that attached to the pacifier at that age. Genius? I still wonder.
Deklan's personality is amazing. I still marvel at how much he looks like me. His eyebrows are getting a tad bit bushy. And his hair is every bit as dark as my own. I told Emily not too long ago "Deklan is a Little Me!" and she found she couldn't argue with that!
He seems to be doing everything a seven month old should. I guess all my worries and obsessions were for naught, thank God. I'm glad that he's doing so well. I really have a lot of fun with him. The girls do too. They sometimes get really aggravated with him though because he has my personality already. They have pointed this out to me. I chuckle every time they do. God certainly blessed me with this wonderful family. I wouldn't trade them for the entire world. I'd rather die than be without them.
Five Months Later
Deklan Trapper is a year old. What a joy! He remains "his father's son." He is progressing well although he shows no interest at all in crawling or walking. He'd just as soon have everyone carry him everywhere. Emily tells me not to panic; one of these days he'll stand and take off and that'll be that. My mom has said that to me a few times also. I've always heard crawling is good for a child. Hopefully he'll get in the mood soon. Come to think of it, I didn't crawl at all either.
He is still obsessively attached to the pacifier. I have to look at it as being somewhat amusing because at times it is. He has my temper; he can really protest when he doesn't like something. He's chattering and saying a few coherent words. It's fun to listen to him especially when he's at play. He has the cutest smile (that is when the paci is out of his mouth) and his eyes are just devilish when he's manipulating someone to get his own way. Yep. "His father's son."
Three Months Later
Deklan Trapper is fifteen months old and is still a real trip! He continues to chatter and can say a few more coherent words. He still has absolute zero interest in walking and my mom said not to panic until he's two. She said some kids are just late bloomers that way. Emily isn't real concerned either; she said she tends to agree with my mom. My mom told me I didn't walk until I was seventeen months old so that's why she's not real panicky just yet. His preferred method of transportation is being carried, the stroller or just by scooting. His legs appear to be functioning OK as evidenced by all the scooting he does. We of course have stood him up and tried to help him balance and walk but to no avail. He's got his mind made up as to how he wants it. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn!
We had a rather amusing moment here a few days ago. Deklan like I said can say a few coherent words. He seems to really hate the word "NO" and he was getting into something the other day he shouldn't and I told him "NO" and he took the paci out of his mouth, looked at me and just as clear as day the word "Twit" came out of his mouth! Emily and I almost hit the ground; we know he has no idea of what it is but he's picked up on it and can now use it. And the timing of it was just amazing and slick. Genius? I still think it's a dam good possibility. I also think he's going to be a Southpaw like his Old Man. None of the Brood are at this point and that would make me so happy! He really favors his left hand already. Emily says it's way too early to tell. I don't think so. I think he's got his mind made up that's what he's going to be. A Southpaw.
We had a family photograph taken and the children did a fantastic job. They had a good time with each other and we got individual photographs of each of them. And we actually got the paci out of Deklan's mouth long enough to take the pictures! That was a major accomplishment believe me.
One thing's for sure and I've said this too many already but at this point it bears repeating. "He is his father's son." Shew buddy is he ever.
Three Months Later
Deklan Trapper is eighteen months old. He still shows zero interest in walking or crawling. I can't figure it out. His other siblings weren't this late walking. I guess I have six more months before I should panic. He continues to scoot and I told Emily if it goes on too much longer, we're going to have to have him looked at. Something has to be wrong. And he continues to favor his left hand much to my delight!
Meantime, Emily and I are trying to break Deklan of the bottle. We're not getting very far. He just isn't ready to give it up. I recall Strider, Kota, Trystan and Lakota being a little stubborn too when we went to break them so I guess it runs in the male bloodlines of the Stanley boys. Mom said I wasn't a picnic either when she wanted to wean me from the bottle. So it sounds like par for the course. The girls were a breeze in comparison.
I have noticed a few things about Deklan and they have surfaced only very recently. He has moments where he sits and rocks and stares. The closest thing I can use to describe it is it is like he's doing self-hypnosis. But once we call his name, he comes back to earth so I don't know if he has so much intelligence he doesn't know what to do with it or what. Also, lately, his chatter has slown down. He's not near as chatty as he has been. And we've noticed an increase in drooling. Emily thinks he's cutting teeth again and she said if so, the being quiet and drooling would explain that. He continues to hold on tight to his paci. None of his siblings were as obsessed with it as he is. They dumped it on their own; we didn't have to take it away from any of them. I have decided though that at age two that's it. Whether he wants to or not, he's going to give it up. Emily agrees.
Three Months Later
Deklan Trapper is twenty one months old and a gradual, frightening change has come over him. The rocking and staring have increased, he barely chatters, he doesn't seem to want any kind of human affection and he wants to be left alone as evidenced by the way we all get pushed away with authority. The heavy drooling continues; we've had to resort to having him wear a bib for a big part of the time. I asked Kel if the staring was seizure activity and he said to get it checked out; it may or may not be.
Emily and I are baffled at this development. He was cutting teeth awhile back but now we've got nothing to blame this on. There is still no interest in him from walking. Sometimes, it's like he's totally deaf and at a second's notice can turn us off and other times it's like he's blind because when reaching for toys, I've noticed he "gropes" like a blind person would to find out what he's looking for. I can't explain it. But I can say it's scaring the hell out of Emily and I. We took a "wait and see" attitude and since it is getting so frightening, we aren't waiting any longer to see what's wrong.
Deklan is going to Rampart tomorrow for a complete check up. His pediatrician is voicing concern; he said he's pretty he knows what the problem is but has to have tests run first to confirm it. Comforting. Won't even give us a clue at this point. Said he didn't want to alarm us if his suspicions were not correct.
I just can't imagine what has come over him. I hope it's something simple we can fix and "Little Me" will come back in full force. I've missed that. We all have.
The Day After
Oh hell no! Deklan Trapper has been diagnosed and it's going to take quite some time for me to come to grips with it. More later when I can wrap my mind around it and write about it.
Three Months Later
Deklan Trapper is now twenty four months old and I am still struggling with the Deklan that is. I still cannot wrap my mind around this whole unexplainable situation. Dam it all!
Three Months Later
Deklan Trapper is now twenty seven months old. I can't say much about him yet. I can talk about me however. I am confused, I am angry; I am questioning God although I know better. Just my humanity getting the best of me.
Three Months Later
Deklan Trapper is thirty months old. At least, that's what the calendar says. He sure doesn't say it. It's taken all this long to talk about it much less write about it.
Six months ago, we found out for sure what exactly was wrong with him. We had seen a number of disturbing behaviors coming from him. He started slowly and seemed to overnight build a universe all his own. In that universe, no human contact is wanted to needed. It just reached out and sucked the life right out of him. We watched happen little by little and it was beyond a feeling of being buried alive. Simply because we couldn't arrest it. We just did not know what to do. Gone is my attitude in him. He no longer looks at us, he looks through us. He doesn't seem to hear us. Playtime in his universe includes rocking, spinning plates, frisbees, anything that will spin, staring for extended periods of time, hand flapping, flipping his lips with his index finger, flicking his fingers by his eyes, heavy drooling. It all fits together now and it makes me sick. He is now in braces for his legs because of his refusal/inability to walk. We're not sure which it is but it could be a combination at this point because he gets really irritated when someone wants to put him in standing position. According to the doctor that diagnosed him he is "autistic." We asked what we could do to help him the doctor said "Don't get anymore attached than you are now. Just put him away; there is nothing you can do to help him." Are they kidding me? They are talking about our son not another case number! Our son! I blew a gasket and went into the stroke zone when they suggested that to us. I slapped his doctor in the face I was so angry in the heat of the moment. Emily was mortified. His doctor took it surprisingly well; he said I reminded him of a father bear protecting his cubs. Who in the hell do they think they are playing God like that? He is not going away. He is a part of this family and will be forever more. Emily totally agreed with me. I gotta quit here; thinking about that all over again makes me want to vomit when I think about what the future holds for this family and our "lost" son. And two footnotes to add. One good thing. Doctors said the rocking and staring is part of the disorder and is not seizure activity thanks be to God. And I did go to Confession for slapping the doctor by the way and Father said off the record he really didn't blame me; it would have angered him too. Father wouldn't have hit him but still would have been angered. So for Contrition, Father told me I had to give the doctor a sincere apology and he said to throw a few "Hail Marys" in there as well. So I swallowed my pride and talked to the doctor and gave him a heartfelt apology. He appreciated it and said "It's all good."
Two Months Later
I don't even know where to turn or how to even begin with this. I am confused, I am angry, I am befuddled, I am, I am, I am! I know that in order to being dealing with it I have to break it down into digestible parts. But how do I do that when the very thought of it makes me violently ill?
I think the first thing I need to do in order to come to terms with is the fact, regardless of what people think, I really honestly believe that Deklan Trapper is a genius. I mean, let's take a good, hard look at this for a minute. I don't believe that any "normal" child could do what he has done. It took only six months for him to build the universe in which he now resides. It was done with precision and intent. He knew how he wanted it. How all the rest of the behaviors fit in that universe, I still have no earthly ideas but somehow they do. He knew they would. So that is why I believe he is so vastly intelligent. I think his intelligence surpasses all understanding. I know it surpasses my own. The doctors told us that these kids are usually brilliant and aren't usually considered retarded. No one better ever breathe that word in front of me when referring to Deklan Trapper. Because he's not retarded. I think the intellect that he has is almost sacred and it must be respected. If all these behaviors bring him comfort and peace, then who the hell am I or who the hell is anyone else to tell us he's supposed to be "put away", or that we are "cursed", "unlucky" or that he is "whacked out?" Deklan is our son. That will never change. Our love for him will never change. Well it will. It will only grow deeper. And my respect for his vast intelligence will grow deeper as well as I get to know this "new" special person. Genius? Dam straight. There is no question about that now. None at all. Emily doesn't think he's a genius. I asked her what the hell she based that on and she said "Just a feeling I have." Just a feeling she has? I think not!
Three Weeks Later
Emily is looking at this from a whole different prospective. Understandable. Mothers have incredible intuition and she's no exception. Shortly after Deklan Trapper was diagnosed, my parents took the children for the weekend and her and I were able to have time alone to talk, vent, wonder and whatever else it was we needed to do. She, like any good mother, is feeling incredibly guilty and I'm trying to do all I can to assure her that it's misplaced. She asked me what she did wrong during pregnancy, if there was something she should have done, could have done or something she shouldn't have done. I reminded her that up to eighteen months old, Deklan was a "normal" child. Well almost normal. He wasn't walking but no bigee. And certainly he was and I believe still is light years ahead of us all intellectually. I don't believe that Emily is to blame. I don't believe I am to blame. What I do believe is this. Deklan Trapper made a choice. A premeditated, calculated choice. A choice that was a devastating secret from us all. A choice that I must believe ties in with his unbelievable intellect. In many ways it seems he got the last laugh. If that was he was after I'll never know but there was something about our universe that he didn't like or want to be a part of. And instead of finding a way to communicate that with us, he decided building his very own universe was the answer. Without him knowing, he robbed Emily, his siblings and myself of so much! So dam much! I guess I should be grateful for the brief stay in our universe with us. At least I got to share some wonderful quality time with him. I will never ever forget him calling me a "Twit." That will stay etched in my mind forever. I will try not to live in the past yet I will hold on to it to some degree. I want to always remember "The Little Me That Wasn't To Be."
The Next Day
I haven't told Emily yet that I am keeping this journal. I keep it in my briefcase with my business paper work. I think she'll probably be greatly surprised when I share this with her. Most men don't do stuff like this. I haven't decided if I am or am not showing this to her. If so, it'll be interesting to see how she reacts.
I was thinking about Deklan Trapper and all the things we'll never know about him. For example, we'll never know what exactly he was meant to be. My mind wonders and I can't help but question if perhaps he would have followed in my footsteps and carried on the Stanley name in the Fire Service. I wonder if he would have been put in gifted classes in school and been in the top one percent of his class? I wonder if he would have wanted to be an alter server? A lover of animals? As he grew, would he have been even more like me? Would he have given up his paci and bottle at age two years old? Would he have done some great, noble thing in his life that would have impacted others? Oh God, so many "would he" questions. Would he have been close to his siblings or because of his exceptional brightness fought with them all the time because he was (what I believed him to be) light years ahead of them? Would he do any of these things or was he just destined to stay briefly and not be "Of This Universe?" Hell I don't know! What I do know is that we've been jipped and robbed. But on the other hand, I guess we should thank God for the privilege of his company for as long as we had it. Perhaps our God had it planned that way all along. Dear Lord it's so hard not to question You. So very hard. I hope we don't have another child ever that"brain blessed." It has proven to be a very dangerous thing. Deklan Trapper is living, breathing proof of it.
The Day After
I want to say a few things about my crew, my friends. They have been so incredibly supportive of me since this all started. Even though they, like me, don't quite understand what the deal is, the day I went back to work (after being off for Deklan's testing and eventual diagnosis) and I told them about his diagnosis, we all bonded with one another in such a beautiful, peaceful way. I bared my soul to them. I allowed my tears to fall freely. They all stood around me and from each one a hand on my shoulders to let me know they were there for me. There really was no need for words. It was one of those rare times when you talk to one another through your heart and it's a language everyone fully understands. In a way, I wished I could have stayed locked in that moment forever. Maybe I'll get through it after all. Emily too has a wonderful support system. Her sisters, Tori Stoker and Holly Shook-Burns. I think the world of both of them and all three of them are so very close. So in the times we can't communicate our feelings about this to one another, she's got her wonderful sisters and I have my friends at the Station House. Both systems are a lifeline to two very confused, uncertain parents.
Four Days Later
Emily and I have been doing a lot of arguing lately. God I hate it when we argue! It all started out with me a few days ago. We were running around like wild chickens with our heads cut off at the Station House and before going home, we were in a two hour, three alarm assignment. Needless to say, when I got home, I was exhausted. Deklan was in a mood too. He was screaming and crying and I know Emily did everything humanly possible to comfort him but after about one hundred and twenty seconds of his screaming and crying, I had to go and make the stupid mistake of telling her she wasn't doing enough! But I knew better! So she basically blew a gasket with me (who could blame her?) and we had a humdinger of an argument. Thankfully all the rest of the children were at school or the Montessori. So they didn't have to be there. But Deklan was there. And it made things worse because not knowing what he does or does not take in, he heard the whole thing which he should have never been subject to. Bad, bad scene and bad, bad timing. About forty five minutes later, I finally got him calmed down. She stormed out and took shelter from the storm with Tori. I never felt so bad in all my life. She didn't come back either until the children came back from school and the Montessori. Probably just as well. I might have had a part of my anatomy removed if she did! So we've been quarrelling a lot ever since. I honestly tried to apologize to her but she's not been real receptive. Again, who could blame her? Hopefully things will settle down soon so that we can talk. I love the woman with every fiber in my being. I really do. I was just having a "human" moment that got taken out on her.
Six Weeks Later
Things have settled way down in the Stanley Household. Holly, Tori and my parents planned an intervention that thankfully worked. Emily and I were getting really bad and it was starting to affect the children. They are still kind of young to understand it all; matter of fact the only thing they did understand was that Mommy and Daddy were doing way too much arguing way too often. So Holly, Tori and my parents got fed up with it and planned an intervention. Holly and Tori took the children and left Emily and I alone for an entire weekend to get shit out into the open and dealt with. It started out very tense and we argued a great deal until we had the "Mother of All Confrontations." We started out thoroughly pissed off at each other and ended up holding each other and finally breaking down and I mean really breaking down and crying and getting everything out into the open. My God, we didn't have a clue of how bad we needed to do that until we did it. No more blaming each other or God. We both know what the score is. And we are cleansed because of it. We are now ready to tackle this together. One interesting thing that came out of this confrontation was a question Emily asked me. At this I was taken off guard and had to figure out a response and quick. She asked me if it was just slightly possible that I might have "favored" Deklan because he was so much like me. I told her I probably bonded with him differently because of that fact and that was one of the reasons I took his departure from our universe so hard. I told her it was for me like grieving the death of a child. A child I once knew so well; we all knew so well. She said that made perfect sense to her and I then played the song "Seasons In The Sun" for her and even though it's a song about a child named Michelle, it could just as easily serve for Deklan. We both wept as we sat and listened to it. Meantime, once we regained our composure, we spoke to Doc Brackett (between him, Doc Early and Doc Morton they are the only ones we trust and that have any kind of compassion for our situation) about trying to find some kind of help for Deklan Trapper. Kel suggested a school that's about a half hour from where we live. He said it's relatively new and it centers on helping "severely handicapped children." Deklan however is not severely handicapped. He is just "Not of This Universe." But I digress. So Emily and I talked it over and we've decided to go while the children are in school/Montessori. Should be quite the adventure.
Four Days Later
Emily and I took a trip to the school Kel recommended called "Newhope School." We were amazed at some of the things we seen. I never knew there were places likes this for kids with problems. They have very strict state standards they must abide by and that's a good thing. The teachers there seemed interested and caring. They offer physical, speech and occupational therapies and a variety of other positive things. It's all Greek to us at this point. But I think Emily and I have decided that it's probably a good place for Deklan Trapper to be. They seem to genuinely love what they are doing; we seen staff members hugging the kids, tickling them and having a good time during a play session outside. Same with the Administrator that we talked with. Compassion and empathy spilled from her blue eyes and caring heart. She assured us he would treated with kindness and compassion and what we seen was "the real deal." Maybe just maybe there is hope after all and maybe it will be found at this school. They were the first ones that haven't insisted on Deklan being potty trained. It's a dam good thing; I can't see that happening for a while.
Two Days Later
I had a very interesting discussion with Kaitlyn about Deklan Trapper. She's ten but still very young in many ways. She, like Emily and I are perplexed at Deklan's behavior. They were sitting outside on the deck together earlier today and Kaitlyn was watching him do what I do a lot and that is trying to figure him out. Well evidentially what Deklan was doing (which I refer to as "doing his thing" with all the different behaviors he has all lumped up into one) he was starting to irritate her (at least that's what I am assuming.) She got up and sat behind him and while he was "in flight" (flapping his hands at a fairly high rate of speed), she took hold of both of them, restrained his movement and told him firmly to "knock it off…now!" I didn't hesitate to go out there and set her straight.
What I told her was to release him and that her mother and I decided that Deklan should always be allowed to "do his thing" that we cannot restrict it in any way as long as he wasn't hurting himself. She questioned it and I told her it was simple. We had to convey to him that no matter where he is right now and why he needs to do what he is doing, it's OK with us, that we still love him. She didn't say it in so many words that his behavior was uncomfortable or embarrassing to her but Emily could tell that's what she was saying in between the lines. Kaitlyn said "I wished he'd just stop it and be my brother again." Oh man, those words just broke our hearts when she said that. I told her I understood where she was coming from but again, we cannot convey anything to him but love and acceptance. She then implied that he couldn't understand anything now anyway now so it wouldn't make a difference. I told her that her mother and I look at it this way. We honestly do not know what he takes in and what he doesn't take in. So we're going to talk to him like a "normal" child hoping our words of love and acceptance reach his universe in a language that he might still understand. I also told her I really believed all this behavior and building of his own universe was somehow connected with his rocket scientist brain. She laughed at me; she said he had that at one time but now she doubted he had it now. I assured her that I believed he still had it; I asked her who of us that function "normally" could work only six months to complete a universe then go live in it without taking his family with him and not only that but to know what behaviors to take with him? She then said and I quote her directly "I never thought of it that way." So we think now she might have a whole different perspective of her brother. At least we're hoping she does.
And an update on his progress. He's three and a half and here's a rundown of the latest:
Not potty trained.
Doesn't walk and puts up a major struggle if he is put in standing position. It is interesting to note that he has ceased the scooting almost completely.
Doesn't talk or even attempt to vocalize. He is so eerily quiet. His entire universe must be so quiet.
Can only eat baby food.
Drools constantly which is a mystery because he can swallow.
Still has an obsessive attachment to the pacifier. I was hoping that somewhere in his universe it wouldn't belong. No such luck.
Still on the bottle but we have it cut down to nap time and bed time.
Still has no use for the human race. He pulls away with authority when touched, hangs limp when you want to hug him or he gets very rigid in protest.
Looks through us instead of at us; eye contact is non existent.
Is deaf to us all the time; has an incredible way of tuning us out completely.
Battles constipation on a regular basis. According to the doctors that we talked to, it's a common occurrence with children who do not walk and/or move around much. We hope to be able to neutralize it with the increase of prune juice and baby food prunes.
Can drink out of a sippy cup but will not hold it.
Is still sleeping in his crib. Emily and I aren't sure about putting him in a regular bed. We fear for his safety. He sits up and rocks frequently in the crib and we're afraid he'd fall out of a regular bed. Especially when the rocking gets intense. So I think we're going to look into seeing about getting him a bigger sized hospital crib. I've got that on my list of to ask Dr. Brackett about next time we have a run at Rampart. He'll probably know where to direct me to get information about it. I am convinced there are times there isn't anything that man doesn't know about the hospital or its resources.
And one of the most painful observations of all as I close this entry. Every day, he looks more and more like me. The hair, the eyebrows and as he grows, he's probably going to be tall like I am. Oh how I miss the "Little Me" as I wipe tears from my eyes.
Two Days Later
I have been doing a great deal observing Deklan Trapper as of late. Although I've not figured out how all those strange behaviors (or expressions?) exactly fit in his universe, I did figure out one thing. Why he rocks so much.
I was working on some paperwork I brought home from the Station House and he was sitting in my den on the floor "doing his thing." As I was finishing up my paperwork, I turned and watched him for a good long while. I then decided to sit down next to him and find out what is so great about the rocking. I rocked in his tempo and found it to be very soothing and calming. But the thing I can't get away from is this. If in fact it is soothing and calming (at least wise it was for me) why all the rest of the stuff that comes with it for him? Lord I have to believe that it's used as a way to soothe himself. But how could all that hyperactivity be soothing?
I don't know! I don't have any answers. This could end up being "one of the secrets of the universe." Deklan starts school next Monday. We've got him enrolled and the school bus will pick him up and bring him home. I went out and bought another car seat for him so that they can put it in the bus and have it for him. We'll keep him in a car seat as long as we can. I might have to ask Dr. Brackett what to do next when he outgrows it. Maybe the school can have a special one made for him. Most of the time, one looks forward to their child outgrowing their car seat. This is a very strange feeling that we're not in this case. It's unnerving to a point; we are in very unfamiliar territory.
Three Days Later
Deklan has been having some emotionally draining, inconsolable crying spells. I was at home for the one he had last night. I was working and Emily called to ask me if I could help because she truly had done all she could do to no avail. So the Engine Company went with me and we made ourselves available from there. I don't recall ever seeing him cry so hard. His little cheeks were tear stained, his nose was running, he was drooling very heavily and he was clearly beside himself. I seen the love and concern in the eyes of the crew. They headed downstairs and spent time with Emily and the children while I took care of the task at hand. I didn't know exactly what to do. He was rocking and flipping his lips with his left index finger with ferocious intensity. Drew blood at one point. I approached the crib gently and told him I was going to pick him up. He allowed that. He then laid his head on my shoulder as he continued to wail. I sat down on the rocking chair with him and gently rocked him and talked to him, assuring him that I loved him and that he was going to be OK. I offered him his paci several times which he refused to my great surprise. I continued to rock him and allowed him to work through whatever it was that was troubling him. As tears fell from my eyes at one point, I gently asked him if maybe there was a window in his universe he was looking out of and if he missed being with us. Probably something we'll never know. Finally after about thirty minutes, he accepted his paci and slowly started to settle down. I made the mistake of trying to stroke his hair and he promptly pulled his head away from my hand with authority. But he did keep his head on my shoulder. About fifteen minutes after that, the paci relaxed in his mouth and he was out. Exhausted more than likely. I rocked him for a little bit longer then gently laid him in his crib. I gently wiped his face and nose off and he didn't even flinch he was tired. I felt as though I went five rounds with a buzz saw and lost! I was as drained as he was. I gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead then noticed I needed to change my uniform shirt. I went to my room real quick and did so. Before I put the dirty shirt in the laundry, the spot that was on my shoulder from his tears, runny nose and drooling, I embraced it in my hand then hugged it. He in his own way made some kind of contact with me for the first time since he left our universe. He honored me by laying his head on my shoulder. I wiped tears again thinking about it. Eventually, it did go into the laundry but not before I had time to reflect on it. Wow. It was quite a forty five minutes indeed and I said a silent prayer for him and for me to just keep on keeping on. So thankful we didn't get a call while I was with Deklan Trapper.
One Week Later
Deklan Trapper started school today. For many parents, sending their children off to school is a big deal. Making sure they have all their school supplies and are ready, feeling the tension and just a bit of sadness knowing they are already school aged and all that. With Deklan, it was just plain bittersweet for Emily and I. We didn't do any of that for him. He didn't have to have school supplies or anything like that. His universe doesn't require them. How sad. I made an off-chance remark to Emily that at least we wouldn't have to buy school supplies for him. She was not amused.
When the school bus came to pick him up, reality, stark reality hit me and it hit me hard. There were children like him on the bus and a few in wheelchairs. It was heartbreaking to know that one of our children are reduced to that. I guess that's what hurts the most. Especially the child that was so much like his Old Man.
Four Weeks Later
Today Deklan Trapper turned four years old. Again, that's what the calendar says. We, of course, had a birthday party for him. I am still of the philosophy that we don't know what he does and doesn't take in so Emily and I try to treat him as normal as possible in that regard as do his siblings per our request. The children enjoyed celebrating his birthday. Even though it is very clear to him that they are not wanted or needed in his universe, they still love him all the same which really warms my heart. But lately though, I have noticed that he and Kaitlyn are developing some kind of mystic bond with each other. For very short periods of time, she can pick him up and hold him, she can sit him in her lap and rock with him and she can hug him and even kissed him once on the head without him protesting. It will be interesting to see where this goes. Emily and I wonder if he misses her in his universe. During our celebration, Emily's mother came over. She knew it was his birthday and all she came over for was to run her mouth and be her usual hateful, rude, nasty self. It's no great secret that I hate my mother in law. She's wicked and mean. She had the nerve to suggest in front of Deklan that he didn't know what day it was let alone to have a birthday party for him. I swear I wanted to turn around and put my fist in her mouth when she said that. Kaitlyn happily surprised both Emily and I; calmly and respectfully she asked her Grandmother this question. "Grandma Shook, why do you have to be so mean? Deklan is our brother. Maybe his feelings would be hurt if we didn't celebrate his birthday. Please don't say such mean things about him. We all love him even if he can't love us back right now." I never felt more proud of a child in all my life. The Old Bat didn't know what to say in return and shortly after, to our great relief, she left.
Then Mom and Dad came over. Mom brought some gifts for him. They always do. And they always fuss over him just as they do the rest of the children on their birthdays. Which is really nice. He actually allowed Mom and Dad to hold him for a very short period of time. They felt really happy and we were happy for them. Emily made a vanilla Winnie the Pooh cake for him. We don't allow our children to have chocolate too much. We have a rule in place here on Halloween. They don't go trick or treating. We have our own little party here and invite their friends. Pizza and stuff of that nature without candy. They have enough energy as it is; we don't need chocolate cranking them up even further. Being that we are devout Catholics, we do observe All Saints Day. We do Scripture readings and pray and remember the Saints on whose constant intercession we rely on for help. Anyway, it was a nice party.
Here's the latest update on Deklan Trapper at age four:
Still not bottle broken but we are working on it. We have it down to night time now.
Still obsessed with the paci. We're not sure what we're going to do about that. Thankfully the school allows him to have it but they have been insisting that we break him of it soon. Emily and I aren't sure where to start on that. We're going to have a conference with his teacher soon and we think that she'll be able to give us some direction regarding that. We'll take her direction and hopefully it'll work. I totally agree with her; I think it's time too.
Still not toilet trained.
Still battles with constipation. Guess it goes with the disorder and the fact that he doesn't move around much.
Still does not want to feed himself.
Still does not walk nor shows any interest in doing so. The scooting has ceased totally.
Still constantly drools and fairly heavily. We have come to the conclusion that it somehow is part of the universe in which he resides.
Here's what he can do:
Learned to drink from a sippy cup as long as someone holds it for him.
Has learned to cope with not having his bottle until night time. Emily usually puts Karo syrup in it to assist with the plumming.
Is allowing very brief periods of physical contact which is good. Our philosophy regarding that is that should always be his choice and when he pushes away, that's fine and is to be told it is.
Is starting to enjoy being in the bathtub. Seems to like water. So I wonder if I were to get a flotation device if he could tolerate being in a swimming pool? I'm going to mention that to his teacher as well and see what she thinks.
Yes he has made some progress. I wished one morning he would just wake up and say "I'm back!" and my "Little Me" would be around in full force again. Wishful thinking I know.
One Year Later
Today Deklan Trapper is sixty months old. At least, that's what the calendar says. Deklan however, has different ideas. We had him tested a few weeks ago and the results were not good. I suspect this is my last entry because there really isn't much to report. I still find this whole situation difficult to deal with. But I have come to accept it much better than I did twelve months ago. One might say I'm still grieving the loss of "The Deklan That Was." I have taken it so hard.
Things That Haven't Changed:
Still not walking and still has zero interest in it.
Still prefers to eat baby food but we're weaning him from it.
Still not potty trained.
Still has no interest in the human race.
Still has an obsessive attachment to the paci. I just don't know what we're going to do about that. Emily suggests taking it from him "cold turkey" and I haven't the heart do that!
Still has inconsolable crying spells although not as frequent as before which is a good thing.
Still battles constipation but not as frequent. We've got him on a really good diet and he might battle with it once or twice a month which we think is manageable.
Still likes to lay his head on my shoulder when he's not feeling well or has a crying spell. I always consider it an honor when he lays his head on my shoulder.
Still looks through us instead of at us.
Still seems at times to be totally deaf and tunes us out completely which I find amazing and slick.
I still believe and will always believe that he's a genius. He's so far ahead of us all it isn't funny and being around him, it isn't hard to pick that up that is, if you know what you're looking for. There are just so many signs of his vast intelligence and quite frankly sometimes it honestly scares me.
His self-stimulating activities continue. Rocking, staring, hand flapping, fingers flipping his lips, heaving drooling. Somehow, someway it all fits in. Don't ask me how. I'm not supposed to know that. If I were, I suspect it would be via a Divine Revelation. It truly would be.
And one last thing before I end this. Deklan Trapper looks so much like me! It's just amazing. He's got bushy hair because cutting it is a major grand production and it's about shoulder length. He's got the bushy eyebrows, my temper and brown eyes. His siblings accept him without question and are very protective of him in public. They make it a point to politely tell people not to stare at him or make snide remarks about him in his presence and theirs. They make their parents awful proud. We've had several family photographs taken and we've captured several classic shots with him and the family that we cherish so much. Every now and again, in the silence of the family room, with Jammocha and Kammatz, our German Shepards, I will revisit Deklan's first eighteen months in pictures and remember the time. Some times are easier than others. I have come to believe we were given a gift in Deklan Trapper and we should rejoice in it. God will continue to give us the strength to grace to raise His Special Gift.
End.