Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, nor do I own Castlevania and am not making a profit.
LIMIMERIC OF LAMENTATION
Chapter One:
There were three things the Dark Lord was certain,
One Bella Swan was an ignorant idiot,
Two he was probably going to kill someone,
Three, he was irrevocably and undeniably in denial of the sparkly vampires!
It was another otherwise calm night in the land of Transylvania and dark had replaced shadow with an abyss of blackness. The silence cut through the people to their very core and no man journeyed into the void of night. Tonight marked another hundred years that Dracula had been banished from the land.
If one had searched the sky that night they would never have seen even a trace of the Lord of Shadows castle looming above them. Nor would they have seen such a structure along the rock ridged mountains or plains of the surrounding territory. All was quiet and there was no sign of the return of the Dark Lord. Perhaps he had finally been banished for good. Perhaps peace had finally found this cursed land. Or maybe he had more pressing matters…
Geographically above Arizona 2010
"Is this it?" he demanded.
From the large deep colored wooden door came a creature flying before the Dark Lord. It was round and purple with two small wings that seemed incapable of lifting its huge eyeball body from the ground.
"Yes master I do believe this is the land known as Arizona."
Lord Dracula shifted slightly in his large throne so that his chin dramatically leaned against the back of his hand while his elbow relied on the arm of the chair. His features were unmistakable.
He was a very regal aristocrat with long pale white hair and skin a shade paler. His brow was lined with age or perhaps frustration. The goatee and mustache were meticulously groomed. He wore an ensemble of clothing with frills at the ends of his sleeves, dark black trousers, and a button up white shirt with a long lustrous cape of the deepest black. His eyes could not hide his anger for they were pure red, though they weren't glowing or reacting to fluorescent lighting like some other pansy ass vampires.
He rose from his chair and his cape came down to cover all of him in the deep black of death that matched his fowl mood. Quickly he strode halfway to his minion's position.
"Good. Then I do believe we have a hunt to be on do we not?"
The eyeball spoke, from what no one could say but the voice was high pitched and annoying as it asked, "Um…my lord. Would not it have been easier to just have sent all our minions upon this land and let them wreak havoc?"
For a moment Dracula looked as if he were going to end his minions' existence at that very moment. He carefully restrained himself and almost calmly said, "No! That would defeat the purpose of my coming here to this other world. I cannot allow one of you to take this humans life when it so rightly belongs to me."
The eyeball said, "So then will you drink of her blood?"
Again it looked as if he were about to erupt, "WHAT! Are you mad? What sort of fool would be willing to drink from someone who could think vampires are at all like that? I'm too afraid it may be more effective on me than that damn Vampire Killer the Belmonts wield." His cape split as his arms dramatically rose up in frustration, "No vampire would ever want to watch some human sleep or have him killed for his love of such a creature." Another moment. "And worst of all…THEY SPARKLE DAMMIT!"
For a moment he was almost as perfectly still as a marble statue and then realized just who he was mimicking and lowered his arms. His feet carried him back to his throne where he lowered himself gracefully onto his seat. Time seemed to stretch almost significantly as his features shifted from one expression to the next. For too long he was contemplating something.
"Milord?" his minion quested.
"Quiet!" he said sharply, "I'm going into a flashback…"
Three days prior to what was believed to be the day Dracula would resurrect there was a distortion of black and purple in the sky that cut through the darkness of night. The tear in the sky was unseen by most since all were hidden in their dwellings. It had been as one would have said an otherwise normal night, but a frick'n castle was in the damn sky.
In the main chamber of the castle on a very impoverished throne in the opulence of stone and marble and seemingly just as smooth and cold sat the statuesque form of the King of Darkness, Lord of Shadows, and ruler of all evil…Dracula.
The lids of his eyes were closed it only seemed to make his body look even more like a statue made out of obsidian opal. As if the world could sense the impending doom that settled over it the sky darkened to the darkest dark and then even darker as storms clouds blacker than the black of the sky rolled in. In the distance one could hear thunder but the dark blackness was so this that no one could see the flash of lightning…
-Red lighting flashed and traced along the dark clouds like angry coils from the gods' footsteps. Soon there was a vast void of virulent darkness that veiled the sky in pitch blackyness.
About the room at the walls were statues of what looked like Greek gods of myth and legend and yet all paled in comparison to the countenance of the Dark Lord. There was a aura of deepening and permeating evil about the Dark Lord and soon it was visible to even the naked eye. None of his subjects dared to come near him. For a time things stayed like that until finally his eyes opened. Lord Dracula rose from his seat and stood strong and proud with renewed strength it almost seemed.
Outside the really, really dark clouds cleared up and the weird coils of lightning stopped crackling along it.
"I HAVE RETURNED!" He bellowed.
Around him the walls of the castle seemed to light with life and energy. Every candle in the castle suddenly lit as if it had its very own soul, one could say that if you were to split the candle in two a heart might fall out. Perhaps that was one of the bigger flaws in this castles design.
A few feet in front of him purple mist gathered into a thick misshaped ball that collected mass from the air itself. Seconds after it appeared it solidified into the most pathetic looking minion one ever laid eyes on. The eyeball flapped its small wings with eagerness in its newfound life.
From somewhere its voice carried, "My Lord Dracula, I am pleased to announce that along with you all who survived our last battle are still here under your control and ready to take action against your enemies."
The seriousness in his face seemed solid and stoic and suddenly he seemed no more a statue than any man. Suddenly his features slightly softened.
"That is good to hear Minion. But if I might let me ask you a question?"
The eyeball levitated, "Yes oh Lord of Darkness?"
"Is it really worth it anymore?"
"Milord?"
He gestured with his arm which draped his cape dramatically over it. His hand pointed at the statue of a woman who wore leaves around her most private of areas. The discretion was an accident from the sculptor, though there could not have been a more perfect sculpture than he himself.
"Well lately I've been thinking about this whole take over the land thing. I mean I've come back from the dead thirty four times and each time I do some upstart Belmont or wannabe steps forward to usurp me. Damn the architect I hired to build this place for he made it so crowded full of weapons and tools used against vampires that who so ever comes to my castle to do battle with me ends up victorious. Seriously I've been referring to myself as the Lord of Darkness yet I seemingly lose every battle against every damn fool to have dared enter here."
His hand came to hold his brow and he rubbed at his temples with the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. For a time he stood like this rubbing at his temples as if he was a lifelike statue. Then he stopped and was even more like a statue.
"That's it!" he said, "I have new orders for my subjects." He strode over to the statue he pointed at before and one could almost mistake them for siblings if not for their attire. "In one hour I will have reached the peak of my power and at that time I will open a rift to the other world that I glimpsed while in the confines of my prison. All those who can fly are to travel to this other world and bring me a report of the condition of that land and its people."
Then an hour later the blackest of black got even more murky and suddenly a rift in time space opened and Dracula's minions flooded the hole and began its relentless scouting mission. All that remained was to wait. Which he did.
For a time he just remained in his throne room admiring the posh styling of his castle. Eventually there was a stir as one of the scouting parties returned.
"My lord." The giant scull said, "We have come with news of this other world you have sent us to. It is called earth and you wouldn't believe how advanced it is from our own world. Not only that but its crawling with humans just waiting to be drained for your pleasure."
The Dark Lord smiled with pleasure.
Another hour and the second scouting party came. It was a group of many imps all with larger bodies than their wings should have been able to support. Yet somehow like everything is his castle it managed to carry its weight.
"Milord," he said enthusiastically, "We bring good news. As you requested we scouted out this other world and have found that the Nation of America is full of pretty girls that are ready to be turned into your mistresses. Not only is that but there's also an amazing variety of garments and entertainment for your pleasure. Best of all is the fact that we looked into it and it seems there isn't a single descendant of the Belmont clan anywhere.
The Lord of Shadow beamed.
This time only thirty minutes passed before the next scouting group came. Impossibly large flaming skulls burned into the room and presented their information.
"My Noble Lord Shadow we bring you good tidings. This world is full of war and trepidation. The people are sullen and vulnerable. Your power could not possibly be turned over by the will of the people for they have no belief in real vampires. Whether you were to be hiding or conquering these mortals you would go almost nearly unopposed.
The Master of Death grinned.
All reports from then had come back good and soon the Lord of Darkness had made up his mind to travel to this land. With a wave of his hand he was able to transport his entire castle through the rift that he opened and into the world he had glimpsed from his prison. He felt disoriented from the expenditure of energy and could feel the hunger tying knots in his stone abdomen. The hunger gnawed at him for only a moment then turned into a throbbing that he could tolerate. Despite his hunger he felt happier than he had in a long time.
He walked to his window which had appeared only when he was near and could visibly see that night seemed to be prominent in this world as well. If it was anything like his own then it wouldn't last, but at the thought of there being no Belmont's or any of the like to stop him. Below he could see a vast ocean churning its music upon the world; it carried his soul like an aquatic statue.
Then it happened.
The last search party which had been his faithful minion finally returned from his mission. There was a sense of urgency and foreboding in the way his minion entered the room, as if he had seen the ultimate in horror.
"Milord, milord I come with news!" it spoke urgently, "I have traversed the other world and have made a startling discovery." He paused for a breath he didn't need and then continued:
"I was in the land of the United States when I discovered this amazing tool they had constructed called the Internet. You wouldn't believe the sexual fetishes that exist in this land. It's worse than in our dungeons.
Anyway I was 'surfing' the Internet when I stumble upon series after series of fictional vampire novels. What they think about your noble kind is unthinkable. Author after author has created a surrogate world that seems like its being used to influence minds by sexualizing everything. Amelia Atwater Rhodes, Anne Rice, PC Cast, LL Smith, Charlene Harris, Carolyn Kenyan, Barb and JC Hendee were decent and the Author Robin McKinley was good. Then I found IT!" He stopped in his speech at that moment.
"It?" Dracula encouraged. He gestured his hand with a flourish.
Minion was jarred from his reverie and suddenly was reserved when he spoke, "Well my lord…its…well…you see…?" He hesitated a moment.
Before Lord Dracula a book suddenly materialized into view. He looked at the cover which had two very pale hands holding an apple and the title "Twilight" on it. For a moment he tried to contemplate what that had anything to do with the essence of twilight. The author listed was a Stephanie Meyer.
"What is this?" asked the Dark Lord.
"A novel," Minion replied, "One that surpasses all the others by quite a wide margin. Just read it and you will understand."
The Dark Lord studied the cover of the text for another moment. For a moment he felt himself hesitate. He steeled himself and took the novel into his hand. The moment he touched it he felt an evil…or perhaps fear etched into the lines of this book. Using the powers he developed over his existence he was able to read the book in a mere blink.
He felt agitation, alienation, ambiguousness, anger, angst, antipathy, anxiety, aversion, bitterness, bother, caustic, corruption, cruelty, denial, depression, despair, despondency, destruction, disgust, dislike, distress, distaste, dysphoria, fervor, fornication, fury, grief, grievance, isolation, hate, horror, hostility, malice, masochism, mourning, narcissism, objectification, psychosexual, putrefaction, rage, rancor, remorse, repugnance, resentment, resignation, revulsion, sadism, sadomasochism, sadness, scorn, shame, sorrow, spite, trepidation, and vehemence.
The overwhelming amount of all those feelings brought upon him a number of sicknesses and side effects. Of those he experienced abasia, abdominalgia, alopecia, anemia, anesthesia, arrhythmia, arthralgia, bloating, carcinomas, Chlamydia, coagulation, constipation, dysentery, dysorexia, dyspnea, dysuria, erectile dysfunction, gonorrhea, gout, heart failure, hepatitis, herpes, HIV, hysteria, infertility, inflammation, insomnia, jaundice, lalophobia, lesions, leukemia, malignancy, melanoma, menstruation, miscarriage, necrosis, nipple sensitivity, obsolescence, ocular herpes, oral cancer, parkinsonism, parvovirus, psychosis, rectal prolapse, schizophrenia, sclerosis, scrotal swelling, somnolence, tachycardia, tremor, ureteritis, urinary incontinence and overflow, xenoma, yeast infections, and finally zoanthropy.
The most evil of evil, Lord of Darkness, Master of Shadow, and King of vampires felt his soul leave his body. He hibernated for what seemed like an eternity but really for just like five seconds. When he returned to his body he realized that he was strung on the floor in the supine position. Above him he could see Minion frantically trying to communicate something to him. It took a moment before he was able to fully process what Minion was saying.
"Milord! Oh no what have I done? Please Oh Ruler of Shadow free you're self of such damning things and return to us. We need you!"
Dracula sat up with an effort, "Quiet Minion. I will be fine." He wondered if he were lying to himself. He needed blood, and a moment for thought. But he didn't want to waste any more precious energy running about.
"Minion. I need you to procure a source to sustain me. I can feel that I need to think my next move over. Leave me in peace."
Contrary to his master's command Minion remained where he was hesitating to follow his orders.
Dracula raised one eyebrow quizzically, "What is it?" he demanded.
Reluctantly Minion continued, "Greatness what I have shown you is the merely just the root of the most idealistic cult following I have ever witnessed."
Dracula wondered how that was even possible but instead decided that he needed to know every detail and every aspect of what may be his greatest adversary.
"Very well." He said. "Explain the rest to me. Then afterwards I will require some sustenance."
As always there was some hesitation that had to be involved with this sentence otherwise we wouldn't know who was talking. By the way it was Minion.
"As you have seen oh Master of Shadow this novel contains in its pages the vilest assumptions and myths about your noble kind that have ever been fathomed. It unfortunately doesn't end there. So far two movies have débuted. There is a third one in the making."
"A movie?" he inquired.
Minion sounded pleased to know what he was saying, "Yes it's a device that displays images in a rectangle in which the people of this Earth view things for entertainment."
"Interesting…" he acknowledged.
"Oh yes and that's not even the half of it. There's a great deal of merchandising with all sorts different novelties for the Earth people to enjoy. But to be honest this last thing I'm about to tell you is rather disturbing."
Minion took an imaginary breath. "This nation of America that sits in the middle of this planet seems to be host to many different types of religions and one especially powerful cult. The book, the movie, it has such sway over women that I must admit it nearly rivals your Evilness."
A spark of anger suddenly lit Dracula eyes and suddenly he was like a fiery, embery statue. None had seen such an orange and red statue such as he with his smooth God like statuesque features and his legendarily statue like physique. In was at this moment that Dracula distinctly wished the narrator would stop referring to him as being like or similar to a statue. I the narrator as of right now am crookedly smiling right now, and right now have now managed to use the phrase "right now" four freaking times. I also refuse to stop referring to him as statuesque. HA!
"I meant no disrespect your Darkness I was only trying to infer that this power is almost comparable to your own. Now that I think about it though I feel that is exactly what I am doing."
Surprisingly Dracula managed to hold back his anger at his minion and allow him to continue.
"Anyway…" Minion began, "I have tallied up the numbers and it would seem that women age eight and up are falling prey to this sadistic curse known as Twilight. There are some who are able to resist it but they are fewer and far between than those who have fallen to its power. Even so there are some men who also fall to its power and it seems to be a growing number. However on that side more men are jealous and hate Twilight than those who love it.
"There are even people who have created a religion out of it and have made elaborate laws concerning the governing of their strange rituals. It's called Cullenism and claims that it's not a religion but says it takes its values from the Twilight novels. In my mind that says they're a cult, they even have chants and mantras that they say once a week. Is that not a cult?"
Dracula mused on this for a moment, "I'm not so certain that is simply a cult. I think there is more behind this than what we se on just the surface. Is that all that you have to tell me?"
There was a pause in Minion as if he feared what he had to tell him next, "Well…you see…there are a few other things you should know."
"Oh." Dracula stated.
"Well yes…turns out there are three other books as well as a graphic novel and an accompanying short story…eh Master?"
Castlevania in its entirety shook dramatically. Debris and things were falling loose from the ceilings of the castle and the walls shifted and contorted in dumfounding ways. There was more fury in the Dark Lord than had ever been witnessed before and suddenly the power emanating from rose to a boiling and freezing point of boily freezeyness that caused the castle to explode.
The explosion was nearly the equivalent of three nuclear warheads detonated one after the other in the exact same location. There was a sudden calmness after the final explosion and no mushroom cloud formed without the statue like appearance that all vampires seem to emanate.
"GAAAAAAAAAAH!" Dracula cursed the narrator.
Castlevania took three days to reform.
The memory stung Dracula to his core when he thought about it but nonetheless his resolve had steeled itself once again as he dramatically stood on the roof of his of one of the castle towers. He stared out toward the Nevada border and thought of how it came to be that he was finally here. Five months it had taken him. Five months to reach this his final goal. He felt as if he himself had gone through the longest Castlevania level of all which led to this final battle.
He thought about his true enemy. Strangely it was not the author herself that Dracula was to face but her creation. They're creation. The will of all those who loved Twilight had finally amassed into pure energy to form: THE ENTIRE CULLEN FAMILY!
Now more than ever Earth needed a hero, and strangely enough it was Vlad Tepes Dracula.
Enter now really long flashback…
Fade…to…black…