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I choose you
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Chapter One
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Let the bough break, let it come down crashing
Let the sun fade out to a dark sky
I can't say I'd even notice it was absent
Cause I could live by the light in your eyes
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Happy Birthday Jamie.
Thank you for your friendship, your smile and endless support, in writing, in life xoxo
I hope your prompt/idea is everything you deserve xoxo
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Listing to one side of the morgue's corridor, the blood rushes through Kate's veins, drowning out the voice on the other end of her cell until their words fade into the background.
Castle's arm falls across his daughter's shoulders, and, tucking her into his side, they move as one toward the exit, their slow pace emphasizing the exhaustion that lines Alexis' features.
The rumpled scrubs she wears contrast with the low ponytail swinging with each step; her appearance a frightening mixture of both far too old for her age and too young for what's happening here tonight.
Alexis shouldn't be tainted by such horror.
Yet, amid such devastation the proof of their relationship, the bond between father and daughter pulls at her lips. The sight of them together warms her heart, even if the desire to turn away - she's witnessing a private moment between the two of them - whispers from the corner of her mind.
But she's unable to. She can't even pretend that she isn't staring at them.
Staring at him.
Normally she's better at this - concealing the want and need for him - but this case, the tangled mess of emotions that comes with such loss of life, such meaningless violence has started an earthquake, has cracked open a fissure inside her, and the wall she's slowly been taking apart crumbles rapidly as a result.
But what does she do now that those fragments are crashing down around her?
Tucking the phone into her pocket - at least Gates is up to speed with the newest development, that Lanie discovered fragments of canvas embedded in their protest victim's body - Kate shifts from foot to foot, her gaze still caught on the empty space from where Castle disappeared, no doubt on his way home with Alexis.
She should follow his example. There's nothing more to be done here; there's nothing to be done until tomorrow when her day will start again.
The interviews. Trying to piece the puzzle together. Solve the mystery.
Pushing off the wall, her body shuffles toward the exit, the weight of what lies ahead somehow heavier now that she's by herself, and, as she pushes the door open, a sob from the adjacent corridor draws her focus.
Crouched with her head between her knees, blonde hair falling forward to hide her face, the woman shudders, her body thumping against the wall with each gut wrenching sound. The very definition of heartbroken.
"Are you okay?" Kate's eyes slam shut as soon as the words leave her mouth, the stupidity of asking such a question not lost on her, and she bends at the knees, situating herself next to the stranger.
The woman raises her head, the pale planes of her face marred with the bright red of her blood shot eyes, and Kate sucks in a rush of air. This is one of the family members, Val Brookstone. She's positive that Espo and Ryan had done the interview; she'd spoken to Castle in the break room after he'd watched them through the observation window.
"And their future and all their plans, everything is just gone in a flash."
His words haunt her as she sits beside the newly widowed woman, echo on loop, and she extends a hand, her fingers hovering over the trembling shoulder of Val. Kate has only comfort and a solid presence to offer and it's not even close to enough for someone whose world has been flipped upside down and stomped on until it's unrecognizable.
Anguish can occur so quickly, so unexpectedly.
She has the scars that prove that.
Moving her arm around Val, Kate eases the woman closer and as they sit together, her sobs ebb slowly until there's just a quiet that's so loud it's deafening.
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"Do you want some dinner, Alexis? It's late, but if you're hungry... Or we could skip it, go straight for ice cream? I'm sure we have a pint in the freezer. Or-"
"Dad."
He stumbles. His stride into the kitchen is interrupted as Alexis cuts through his rambling, but he doesn't stop until he can grasp the counter, prop himself up. The overwhelming need to turn around the frown etched onto his baby girl weighs a ton on his shoulders.
"What can I do, Alexis?"
What can he do to take away the image of a dead mother's bracelet? What can he do to make the world the place it was yesterday?
It's not the first time that he's been left with the desire to bundle his only child into his arms, to take them both far away to somewhere she'd never be faced with such horror, would never know the feeling of loss.
A sigh drifts from his lips. He can't, and even if he could, he probably shouldn't, but between the cloud shadowing the light in Beckett's expression as she'd gazed up at him in the break room, and the exhaustion rolling off his daughter, he doubts anyone would blame him for wanting to flee with the people he loves.
"I'd really like some nachos. The ones with the cheese that stretches when you pull it." She twirls her fingers together, her head tilting as she peers up at him and he has the distinct feeling that this late night take run is more for him than for her. "I love when we have a competition to see who can get the biggest cheese string."
"Of course, Alexis. Sounds perfect."
He's grateful to be doing anything that might help in some way, and, while sharing a plate of melted cheese and corn chips can't change what happened today, he can do this for her.
He can be useful.
"I'll be right back." Strolling toward her, he cups the back of her head, brushes his lips against her forehead. "You'll be okay here by yourself? Or do you want to come with?"
She indicates no, turning away to place her coat in the cupboard, swapping it over for his, and, pushing it into his hands, a soft smile adorns her features.
"I'll start on some hot cocoa for when you get back."
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"He makes me coffee." Val's voice cracks with the articulation of coffee and the circles that Kate had been rubbing along the heartbroken wife's back come to a halt at the statement. "He makes the best coffee and brings it to me in bed. He tries to make little hearts like the cafes, but it never turns out right."
Oh.
Swallowing her own sob at the thought - Castle brings her coffee, every morning - at what it would be like not to have that hot beverage cupped within his palm, his smile automatically making her day better, Kate raises her hand, her fingers tucking the loose strands of Val's hair behind her ear.
"He sounds like a wonderful man."
Val's head lifts, her eyes making contact with Kate's for the first time, and nodding, she agrees.
"He is-" The pause rips at the scars lining Kate's heart. "He was a truly wonderful man."
Past tense. How does one start imagining their life in past tense? All the memories that are, now never to be repeated. All the what ifs of tomorrow are no longer possible.
Not with the person that they should be with.
"I didn't tell him. This morning we were rushing because I was worried about making it to the guided tour we'd planned." A single tear slides down Val's cheek, and Kate finds her stare caught on its descent, the way the liquid hangs precariously for a moment before falling.
It can happen so quickly. What once was whole suddenly becomes shattered.
"I didn't tell him that I loved him. He should have heard that- Do you think he knew? Do you think he knew that I loved him?"
She can't breathe. Val's gaze locks with hers and yet it's not the blonde woman that she can see, not her eyes that Kate focuses on.
Castle's piercing blue hover above, his voice breaking as he pleaded with her to hold on, proclaimed that he loved her.
"Kate, shh… Kate. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay? Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."
She isn't ready to face him, to face the consequences of that day, that week, or the months that have followed, but what if this is it? What if every day she waits is one less that they will have?
What if something horrible happens to him and he doesn't know, never hears from her that she loves him too?
"He knows. Your husband knows. You told him even without the words, you were by his side. He-" Kate closes her eyes. "He knew that you loved him."
But Castle doesn't...
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Closing the door on Val's cab, Kate hesitates on the curb outside the morgue. The distraught widow is on her way back to her hotel room and Kate should be on her way back to her apartment but she's standing at a crossroad.
Does she play it safe and go back home?
Or take Val's story as a flashing neon light signaling that Kate can't keep waiting for tomorrow?
She extends her hand, the indecision tugging the puckered skin that's nestled between her breasts. Make a choice, it's just a matter of making a choice.
Climbing into the taxi after it comes to a halt in front of her, Kate's mouth opens, an address spilling out from her lips.
Debate rages on though. Regardless that a part of her is at least taking control of the situation, her hand rises, the nail of her thumb becoming trapped between her teeth.
Has she given the right address? Is she traveling along the right road?
Or is she making a mistake that will come crashing down around her?
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Each step forward slows, her pace decreasing until she comes to a stop. The rush of blood attempts to drown out the screech of fear over where she is, what she's about to do, but the noise can't compete with her doubts, and she turns on the spot.
"Do you think he knew that I loved him?"
Kate's eyes slam shut as Val's whispered question invades her cowardly retreat and she's pivoting once more, facing the right way.
Facing Castle's front door.
He deserves the world. Deserves happiness and joy.
Most of all he deserves the truth from her... and she closes the gap between herself and the barrier between them, lifts her hand to knock against the wooden surface.
He deserves to hear that he's loved by her, that every thump of her scarred heart beats a tattoo of his name, that for every ounce of terror that courses through her veins - the what ifs of crashing and burning - she has a thousand more that desire a life with him.
And she knocks...
Silence extends, there's no rush of footsteps to the door, no, "I'll get it." and Kate inhales sharply through her nose.
What if they're all asleep?
She has courage now, has Val's tears staining her shirt now and the woman's cracked yearning plays on loop now.
She wants to tell him now... but?
The sound of feet against the floorboards inside the loft throws her thoughts, her ability to breathe, and the steady - although rapid - momentum of her heartbeat into complete disarray, and as her nails claw crevices out of her palms, the door opens.
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Happy Birthday again Jamie xoxo
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Thank you to Jo for the beta, and to both of you for your pompoms xoxo
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Thank you for reading xoxo