hellooooo! I have been lurking about the Star Trek fandom for about 5 years now and have finally given into giving something back and throwing some angsty, probably overdone plotlines into the void. I even made a fanfic and ao3 account for this purpose, look at me all fancy

This was unbeta'd and you will probably be able to tell. Sorry

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I sadly do not own any version of Star Trek :-( bummer

3 weeks after he had initially begun pestering to clean up all your damn paperwork, Jim, ever heard of a ringbinder? Damnit, there's a coffee stain on this one!, Len finally had the kitchen table to himself.

And like a cat that snatched the sunny spot, he had relished in it.

PADDs, books and reports littered the oak surface and not a damn thing would distract him from finally trucking through them.

A complication at the dry dock had required Jim's attention and he'd left that morning.

And so had all the paperwork. Len smirked to himself.

It was pretty impressive, but mostly disturbing, how dedicated Scotty was to the ship. Len couldn't remember the last time he'd been back on Terran soil, if at all, since the Enterprise had gone in for repairs.

Or revamping. Or whatever. He wasn't an engineer.

The Scotsman's dedication had gotten a little more personal however when Jim's communicator had started squawking at 4:03 am.

If Len had gotten to it first, a few more colourful words would've been exchanged – the man's sleeping pattern was about as healthy as a slow dance with a strain of Arethian flu – but Jim answered with a patient smile, a gentle swipe to McCoy's arm and a quiet, "Hey, Scotty."

He'd left an hour later.

Leonard didn't deserve him.

He poured another coffee, and settled back into his work.

The door swished open just as Len'd been considering dinner. It was early evening and his eyes were beginning to tire and squint.

Jim pressed a kiss to his cheek and McCoy reached out his hand. "I thought you were gonna try and get Scotty down for a drink?"

"Tried, failed." Jim allowed himself to be pulled to him, and wrapped his arms around Len's shoulders from behind. "Watcha doing?"

"What I shoulda done a month ago. You hungry?"

"Not really." The younger man began to pull away but Len held him steady, a hand on his arm. He cast his eyes over Jim.

If he wasn't mistaken, Jim's hands had been shaking.

"You alright?"

Usually by now, Jim would be excitedly regaling him with the tales of the day – how his ship is coming together, all the improvements – Len loved to see his eyes sparkle when he spoke about the Enterprise.

Jim flashed a smile. His eyes were a little bloodshot. "Fine. Just tired. I really need to pee, though, so if you could let me go…"

Tired. That made sense, he guessed. He'd been up early, and they'd been up grossly late the night before.

He squeezed Jim's arm and he quickly retreated to the bathroom.

Len held his face in his hands and scrubbed his eyes. "Dinner."

Jim came out of the bedroom a short while later. He grabbed himself a glass of water and flopped onto the sofa.

Only Leonard would've noticed the way he leaned into the counter for support, the unusual paleness of a recently bathed person who enjoys showers as unbearably hot as Jim does.

(Shower sex was one element of their relationship that was left relatively unexplored due to The Temp Argument. "Oh my god, Jim! No, don't turn it up! I'm a doctor, not a lobster! I can't see for steam!" "And it's about to get a whole lot steamier – Bones! Come back!" )

Len's stomach churned in concern for his lover.

He's not himself. This hasn't happened in so long.

As he sat, Len stood and went into the kitchen. He brought back a green bowl of chicken stew and dumplings.

It was only half full, and he handed it to Jim. "Eat, darlin'. You don't look so hot."

The younger man hesitated, then just nodded.

You had to be careful with Jim. The man was incredibly hardy and strong, capable of almost anything he put his mind to, and yet gentle, caring enough to know what to say and when to say it.

He always put others first, sometimes to the detriment of himself.

And the first time Leonard witnessed him doing just that, he began to knock down the wall Jim had built up.

It was firm and it was well reinforced. And it had taken the Doctor years to get inside without feeling like he was forcing his way through.

Len knew now that it was up to Jim to come out with it, not for him to ask.

In the Academy days there had been fiery arguments and harsh words flung around when Jim had been stubborn and closed up, conflicting hugely with Leonard's need to fix it, fix it right now.

It hurt Len deeply that despite the charming bravado, Jim was sometimes not okay. It occurred less and less nowadays, but when the nightmares, the overwhelming memories, the panic attacks struck, they struck hard. Leonard felt helpless and sometimes found himself almost in tears.

The Kelvin. Tarsus. Frank. Dying.

Jim should never have had to live those things.

There was a soft clunk beside him as Jim placed the bowl on the coffee table, empty. He had a weak smile on his face. "Happy?"

Leonard turned his whole body towards him as Jim slid down into his arms. "Always happy when you're around." Jim sniffed a laugh. "Sure."

He planted a line of kisses on his neck. "Yes. Don't question me, kid."

Jim took a shuddering breath and nuzzled his nose into Len's chest. He squeezed the older man's hand. "I love you."

"Love you too, kid." Leonard replied. Then, "Everything okay, Jim?"

He was quiet for a few seconds. "Yeah. I… I just need to think about it for awhile. I will tell you. I just…"

"Need some time. That's fine. I'm here."

They sat in embrace for an hour or more.

Len had to go into HQ the next day, to check up on some out patients and finalise the admin he'd eventually finished. He'd picked up a part time voluntary role at the clinic, just to help out and get to know some of the new team that would be joining them on the Enterprise.

"It's to keep the magic hands busy." Jim had winked and waggled his eyebrows at Pavel and Hikaru across the bar. They'd laughed. McCoy had scoffed.

The day was pleasant. The novelty of knowing he was on dry ground, the same planet and continent as his Mama whilst he worked was never lost on him.

He joined Nyota for a drink as usual afterward.

She also had donated some time of her extended shore leave, to helping out with some xenolinguistic research - her keen ear and unparalleled fluency obviously accelerated the work massively, but she would never say so.

Leonard suspected it filled her time whilst Spock was visiting New Vulcan.

The pair tended to gravitate to one another, onboard or not, to grouse or giggle about their respective boyfriends over a few drinks.

Sometimes others would join them; Jim, Sulu - and tonight Christine had slipped into the booth unannounced, much to the happiness of Len. He'd always had a soft spot for Chapel, and her and Nyota were close.

It made for easy conversation, and Len was at ease.

"So how's your logical lover doin'? Bet he misses Jim like a thumb up the ass." Len snorted.

Nyota downed her drink and laughed. "You know what? He does, Leonard, he does!"

"Oh God, he does not."

"Honest to God, every time he calls, he's asking after Kirk!" Nyota hooted.

Len grinned. Jim was so magnetic, even the hobgoblin couldn't resist. "They're suckers for one another. Should I feel threatened?"

"Bets on they'll be married in 18 months. Power couple. Do you think they'd have a cat? They'd have a cat."

"Naw. Jim's been angling for a puppy for months!"

"Why d'you need one? Jim is a puppy, Len." Christine smiled fondly.

"You're damn right there, Chris."

Leonard's eyes crinkled affectionately at the thought of his bubbly, cheerful boyfriend.

And then his stomach twisted a little. Jim had never replied to him.

He'd sent him a message earlier, just checking in.

But he'd been so engrossed in the bourbon and conversation that he'd forgotten.

He flipped open his communicator – there was nothing.

"Excuse me, ladies." He shot them a quick smile before edging out of the booth and into the chilling night air. Jim answered within only a few rings and small amount of tension eased from Len's chest.

"Hey, Bones. You okay?"

"I'm fine, Jim. Are you? You didn't reply to me."

"Ugh… yeah. I fell asleep, lost track of time. Sorry, Bones. Didn't mean to worry you or anythin'. Sorry." Jim sounded weary. His voice was lacking something. Len frowned.

"It's fine, Jimmy." He waited for Jim to say something, but there was silence. "Look, I'm heading back now anyway. I'll see you in two shakes." He suddenly felt anxious to return to the younger man.

"It's still early… you don't have to come back for me. I'm fine, honest."

You're not even convincing yourself there, darlin'.

"I'll see you soon." He hung up before Jim could up his protestations.

He apologised to Chris and Nyota and grabbed his jacket.

As he paced back, he found himself gazing at the stars. He was surprised to feel a sense of longing to return somewhere inside him.

The lights were dim when he returned, Jim lounging on the couch with a blanket wrapped tightly around him. He lolled his head backwards over the arm of the seat when he heard the door shut.

"Hey." He said hoarsely.

"Hey yourself." Len made a beeline for the couch and placed the back of his hand on Jim's forehead. He was a little warm. Jim stirred away from the hand. "M'okay."

"Like hell. Move up."

The pair sat side by side, Jim quietly playing with Len's fingers, stroking them, straightening and curling them around his own hand. He stopped to knead his forehead and sank deeper into the sofa.

"Headache?" Leonard asked softly.

Jim didn't reply straight away. "Yeah."

The older man frowned. "Is this a common cold, or are you just stressed?"

Jim breathed out a laugh and lifted his head to look in his eyes. "Maybe both?"

He's trying hard to keep it together.

I really need to know what's goin' on. This isn't just bad flashbacks.

Len sighed. "C'mere." He pulled Jim in close, a mirror image of how they'd fallen asleep the night before. "You need to start talkin', kid. I'm worried."

"Huh…"

"What?"

"You smell like girls." Leonard chuckled. It was a feeble attempt to change the subject – a signal from Jim that he wasn't ready to talk. He rubbed Jim's back soothingly.

The kid coughed wetly into his shirt and Len scoffed in mock disgust. "You're a real charmer, you know that, Jim?"

"The ladies like it."

"Sure."

The Doctor's mind began to wander (mostly to the kitchen cabinet storing the whiskey) when Jim spoke up suddenly, as if he wanted it to escape his mouth before his tongue could reel it back in.

"They want to release the files. Tarsus. For educational uses. Or something."

Leonard's face pulled into a deep frown. He was pretty sure Jim could feel his heart thumping heavily as he moved uncomfortably on his chest. "You're kidding."

He didn't know what to say.

Jim sighed. "I wish."

Len didn't know how to feel. Nobody knew about Tarsus, not really. Apart from Kevin Riley, Jim had no idea where the other members of "The Tarsus 9" were. If they were even alive.

Starfleet had kept it comfortably covered up, mostly for the sake of self-preservation. By all accounts, they'd fucked up royally. Come in too late, failed to save lives, failed to apprehend Governor Kodos and his lackeys.

Starfleet was usually a well upheld organisation - code, conduct, morals and all that - but to let the general public know that a war criminal was possibly still at large was a "threat to public safety."

Jim's life could've been so different. It made Len's head hurt that this pain was his reality.

But Jim was grateful for the anonymity. So Len would bite his tongue.

And for that, for all the rest of the world knew, Tarsus IV was a colony whose crop system failed and that Starfleet had quickly evacuated back to Earth.

"Why do they want to do this, Jim? It isn't fair on you!"

"It's… policy, or somethin'. Releasing classified files 10 years after the event. Pike… denied it 5 years ago."

Good for Pike. "Christ." Jim laughed a short and bitter laugh. "Do you get a say in this shit?"

"I guess."

"Well that's good, right? You can just say no every 5 years."

"Mmm."

Len frowned. "Jim?"

The younger man puffed air out of his mouth and leaned back against the sofa. "I dunno, Bones. They're only releasing it to certain classes in the Academy. And they won't know it's me." He was looking him in the eye, turned towards him. Jim was trying to convince him.

"You've said yes?"

"No. Not yet. It's not just my decision… it's Kevin's, too. They only told me because I'm a guest lecturer at the Academy. I need to ask him."

"What damn relevance does it have if you're a lecturer? Jim, you should be in the know whatever! This is you, not Starfleet." He scoffed.

"Bones," Jim directed his eyeline to the floor. "They told me as a lecturer because it'd be in my syllabus."

If Len could detach his jaw and let it drop to the floor, he would have done it then and there. "No."

"Bones…" How has he been holding it together so well? He should be flyin' off the goddamn handle! "I can't let something like Tarsus happen again because I couldn't get over myself."

Jim's eyes held fear. Anxiety. Responsibility.

"I know what happened. I know how it could've been prevented. What Starfleet should've done." Of course Jim knew this. Damn kid probably dwelled on it everyday. "They fucked up, okay? But they're finally doing something about it."

Len knew his expression was sour, but he couldn't help it. "And they just came up and suggested this like it was afternoon tea on the veranda? No!"

Jim was carefully eyeing Leonard like a skittish hound.

Len stood up and began to pace.

"Hell, I'm in a mind to call them right now. It's their shit to clean up! Bastards are closing their eyes and letting you pick up the pieces!" He pointed an angry finger at Jim. "And here you are, talkin' like the brass, like it's all on your head!"

Jim's voice was level and quiet. "Please, Bones. It's what I want."

"No it's not. You don't wanna open up these festering wounds. You're willing to ignore yourself because it's what you think is right." A long pause. "How d'you even fathom this, when you still get nightmares? It wasn't exactly yesterday! As your doctor I cannot condone this shit."

"And as my boyfriend, you should understand it." Jim stood, swayed a little.

Leonard took a step forward to steady him.

Jim shrugged off his hand and stormed into the bathroom, locking the door.

Len went for the whiskey.

SO YEAH i hope this was alright, please let me know what you think! Too rambly? OOC? Help me (but dnt to be too harsh I have a fragile ego)

the inspiration for this story was completely taken from the title, which in turn was stolen from Peter Gabriel. Cheers Peter bro

next chapter soon, so much love my Trek friends!