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«Greetings, I am D.E.X.T.E.R, before you can proceed with reading this top secret manuscript I will have to inform you that the author's do not claim copyright, as the two original stories taken in use are the creations of Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl) and Tim Burton (Corpse Bride).»

«Next I shall need to inform you that the timeline for the events in this Fictional story is in an Alternate Universe, so the plotlines of the "Artemis Fowl" series are not off any value on this FanFiction. The story is based on the plotline of "Corpse Bride" with the "Artemis Fowl" cast in the setting. I would also like to remind you that having read the complete eight books in the "Artemis Fowl" series is preferable before reading this. Now that you have been properly informed you may proceed in reading the file, but keep in mind that this file and all other documents found on this server may contain spoilers, proceed at your own risk.»

~TLH~

Chapter One:

The Rehearsal

~TLH~

''Ten minutes to go 'till the Kelp wedding rehearsal!'' The town crier announced from across the street.

Holly Short stepped into the carriage, being helped up by their coach driver's hand.

''To the Kelp's mansion, Mr. Diggums,'' requested Caballine, struggling to help her clumsy husband into the carriage.

When Foaly finally sat on the wooden bench, he looked at his wife and daughter, and then moved his gaze to the window.

''It's a beautiful day isn't it?'' noted Caballine.

Her husband nodded. ''It's a rather nice day.''

''A great day for a glorious wedding!'' Sighed the lady, clearly pleased. The couple had finally found the perfect husband with the perfect social rank for their young daughter; Caballine could not be happier.

''A rehearsal, my dear, to be perfectly clear,'' said Foaly. He was clearly more nervous than his wife. ''Nothing unexpected must happen today...'' He mumbled to himself. ''Nothing must interfere with the ceremony and everything must go according to plan...''

According to plan? Holly rolled her eyes. The plan was to give her away to a stranger in exchange of a few gold coins and some prestigious titles.

Trouble Kelp. That one name was everything she knew about her future husband.

~TLH~

''It's a terrible day.'' Lord Julius Root turned to his wife, hoping that she felt the same...

''Now, don't be that way.'' Lady Raine Vinyàya – her maiden name – Root smoothed out the bun of silver hair at the base of her head. ''It is not that tragic, Julius. It is just an unfortunate state of affairs we're in.''

''How could our family have come to this? To marry off our son to the nouveaux-riches. They are professors, Raine!''

''They are inventors. That is why they have obtained their fortune. It could have been worst! They could have been land-rich, bankrupt aristocracy without a penny to their name, just like you and me.''

''D'arvit.'' Swore the man.

''And that's why everything must go according to plan!''

Their son was to get married with Holly Short, and their family would be carried from the depths of deepest poverty, back to the noble realm of their ancestors.

Root lit up a fungus cigar. ''Who would have guessed in a million years that our young Trouble would provide our ticket to a rightful place?''

~TLH~

''What if Holly and I cannot stand each other?'' Asked Trouble to his butler, who was known around the mansion as the butler number one, or One for short. The small man adjusted Trouble's tie and shrugged as Trouble's parents appeared in at his door.

''Do you really think this has anything to do with marriage?'' Asked Raine.

''Marriage is a partnership, a little tit for tat.'' Julius turned around. ''Make sure he will be ready when the Shorts will arrive,'' he added at One's attention.

~TLH~

Holly climbed the steps of the Root's mansion, a strange feeling building up in her stomach.

''We've got you a good man,'' said Foaly, trying to comfort his daughter.

''All you have to do is to be charming and behave like a good lady,'' Caballine gently pushed Foaly to the door, on which he knocked.

''Shouldn't Trouble Kelp marry an actual Lady?'' Wondered Holly.

''That is nonsense! We're as good as the Roots. The only difference between them and us is that they are involved in the militia.''

''But I have never met him! How am I supposed to know if they are as good as you make them sound.''

''Well, at least we have that in our favour,'' mumbled Foaly, referring to the fact that his daughter had some kind of an attitude.

''Diggums, please park our carriage and stop with those gases this is extremely embarrassing!'' Caballine smoothed her dress and took Holly by the shoulders. ''Relax and everything will be perfect.''

Holly looked in her mother's eyes. It's not like she had many options left now. In a less than two days, she would be Holly Kelp.

The big door of the mansion opened, leaving the Shorts in front of a massive wooden staircase.

''Lord and Lady Root,'' a butler presented his masters to the guests. ''Mr and Mrs. Short.''

Foaly stepped forward, removing his grey hat. ''Why, you must be Master Trouble. Yes, I must say, you don't look a day over -'' he tried to ease the atmosphere with a bad joke.

''Just smile, darling...'' Whispered Raine. Julius forced a smile, knowing that the people in front of him would be the ones getting them out of bankruptcy.

''Well, hello. What a pleasure. Welcome to our home,'' he managed to say.

The Shorts thanked them as Lady Raine informed the family that they would be taking tea in the west drawing room.

Holly started to follow her parents, but her attention was taken by something in the corner of the hall. She walked up to the wall and looked at the objects in front of her with a mix of admiration and fascination.

After a while, someone cleared his throat from behind her. Holly turned around, startled. ''Do forgive me...''

''Beautiful Snider-Enfield Rifle isn't it?'' Said the tall man with purple eyes.

''I... I do apologize, Master Kelp. It is very improper for a young lady to be examining weaponry... Then rounds per minute and effective on more than 1000 yards, right?'' She could not help herself. Her father was after all a developer and inventor for these types of machines.

Trouble smiled. ''Yes, exactly... If I may ask, Miss Short, where is your chaperon? And please, in view of the circumstances, you can call me Trouble.''

''Yes, of course... Trouble,'' sighed Holly. The man in front of her looked really handsome and nice, maybe there was hope that they could get along...

''Holly?'' She looked up to him. She did not like that she actually had to raise her head to look in his eyes. The spark of hope she nourished quickly died down. Marvellous, she thought sarcastically.

''You know that tomorrow, we are to be married right?''

The girl nodded. Trouble leaned against the wall. ''During the last couple of years, the idea of getting engaged played at the back of my mind. I wondered if I would ever have to go to war and leave my wife behind, if someone would be waiting for me to get back with open arms... Maybe, you can be that person...''

''Yes, perhaps,'' Holly sighed once again. She had never really planned to be a housewife; she had always been more adventurous... But just like the corset she was wearing, her mother had forced her into the lifestyle of a proper maiden.

''Silly, isn't it?'' Trouble's purple eyes were right in Holly's.

''Yes, silly,'' she mumbled, really saying what she was thinking, but then remembering that she was supposed to be the one waiting for Trouble with open arms. ''I mean, no. No, not that silly. Oh, I'm sorry...''

"It's fine, I know that you must be quite nervous and so am I." He took a step towards her. She was not going to pursue the conversation. That was for sure. "You know, I was adopted too," he said softly. He had her attention now. "Lord and Lady Root adopted me when my parents were killed at war. They were under Commander Root's order and they were his closest friends. He took me as his son when they passed away," he explained, hoping that it would make Holly react. "That's why I am Trouble Kelp, not Root…"

''What impropriety is this?'' Called a voice from behind just as Holly was about to reply something to show a little bit of sympathy. It was Lord Julius's voice to be exact.

''You two should not be alone together. The rehearsal is supposed to begin in one minute and you are not even there...'' Said Raine in a much softer voice. ''Pastor Argon is waiting.''

~TLH~

"Let's take is back from the beginning. Again." Pastor Jerbal Argon rubbed his temple. Of all the girls he had married off, Holly Short was the first one to have that much trouble following orders, not to mention that Trouble just happened to be getting nervous.

"Look, I am so sorry, but these vows are not my cup of tea." Holly glanced at the pastor with a gaze she hoped was full of defiance. "With this ring, I ask you to be mine? It sounds like you are trying to bargain us to one another." She bit her tongue not to say, which is exactly what you are doing. "It's a ridiculous way to start a wedding."

Foaly buried his head in his palm, this is not the time for having an attitude. That was it, the Kelps would kick them out of their household… Holly's father peaked from between his fingers, noticing that Trouble seemed to agree with Holly.

"What about this," He began "With this ring, I give you my heart?"

He really means it… Thought the bride-to-be. He, as a person, not a lord… He really wants me as a wife. It's a miracle I have not scared him off anyway… Why not give him a chance?

"It's better," said Holly after a moment. She kept an once of bitterness in her tone.

"Let's try it again." Pastor Argon brought everyone's attention back to the rehearsal ceremony.

"Yes. Yes, sir," said Trouble brightly. He raised his right palm. "With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine" He took the bottle of red liquid from the altar and poured it in an actual cup, taking a short moment to smile at Holly. "With this candle, I will light your way in darkness. With this ring, I give you my heart."

It was Holly's turn now, she felt the heavy eyes of her future family behind her back. She smoothed out her dark green dress and then brought her right hand at shoulder height. "With this hand… I will lift your sorrows." She bit her lip, still thinking that the vows were ridiculous, but she knew that Trouble meant no harm and that it was important for both the Roots and the Shorts to see their offspring's getting married. "Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle… This candle," she brought the unlit candle near the flame of a taper. It took about three times before it actually lit up. The feeling of eyes starring at her kept on building up. "With this candle," the doorbell rang, making Holly sigh with rage.

"Continue!" Spat Argon.

Lord Julius told One to get the door. When he got back, it was to announce the arrival of a guest. "Lady Koboi, sir."

A short woman with jet black hair pulled up into a neat bun stepped into the room. Her pale face and warm brown eyes were partially hidden underneath a short black veil. Perhaps she was a widow; perhaps she was simply a fashionable woman. "I apologise, I haven't a head for dates… Apparently, I am a day early for the ceremony."

"Is she from your side of the family?" Wondered Lady Raine. Julius could not recall, nevertheless, One was asked to provide her with a seat.

"Do carry on." Whispered Lady Koboi, to the future husband and wife.

"Let's try it again, shall we, Ms. Short," the Pastor was growing quite desperate.

"Yes. Yes, sir. Certainly." She mumbled angrily. Her eyes were shooting daggers towards the newcomer.

"Right." Argon cleared his throat.

"Right. Oh, right!" She snapped out of her thoughts. "With this hand," she remembered that she had to raise her right hand. "I will lift your sorrows," she took a few steps towards the altar only to be stopped by the bottom of her dress. Trouble's hand caught her before she hit the ground. With this hand I will lift you up so that you don't make a fool of yourself, she thought giving Trouble a sideway glance. She tried to take a deep breath and cursed her new corset, which was not broken in yet.

"Don't you not wish to be married, Ms. Holly?" Asked the Pastor tired of the horrible rehearsal.

"No! No."

"Holly?" Trouble raised an eyebrow.

"I meant, no, I do not not wish to be married… That is, I want to –"

Jerbal Argon rolled his eyes. "Ms. Short… Do you have the ring?"

"Yes, I do have Master Kelp's ring." She reached for a pocket in her dress and clutched the ring so tightly with exasperation that it sent the small piece of gold flying straight to Lord Julius's head, to then lodge itself around his cigar.

Lady Raine let out a horrified gasp and so did Julius when Holly took the wedding band from the cigar in his mouth. The movement caused by the gasp was just enough to make Holly's hand touch the lit tip of the fungus cigar, which not only gave her a burn, but also made the ashes fall on Lord Julius's pants in a very inappropriate place.

"Excuse me!" She held on to the ring, not really sure of what to do.

"This girl is trouble," whispered the Pastor, mentally laughing about the involuntary play on word.

Julius got to his feet, shaking off the ashes from his pants. They were still glowing with the red and orange hues of fire.

Lady Koboi rose from her chair and pushed Holly aside, stepping on the ashes to extinguish them. "You would not want a stain on your wooden floors…" She said as she got back to her chair. Unfortunately for her, her witty comeback was interrupted by Argon's shout.

"Enough! This wedding cannot take place until the couple is properly prepared! Young woman, learn your vows." Holly did not take the time to feel insulted by the Pastor's command. She needed some fresh air.

~TLH~

"Oh, Trouble… He must think I am such a fool." Whispered Holly as she walked down a calm street. Her parents would probably be mad at her for storming out of the Roots' mansion, but she would deal with that later. "Anyway, this day couldn't get any worse."

Of course, she was dead wrong. "Hear ye, hear ye! Rehearsal in ruins as Short girl causes chaos! The Kelp Wedding could go up in smoke!" Yelled the town crier.

"Urgh!" Holly tried to make her feet move faster even though she was starting to become short of breath. "It really shouldn't be all difficult. Trouble is a nice man. Why would I not want to be with him?"

She crossed a small stone bridge, which led into a forest. That very forest was her only sanctuary. She had spent countless days leaning against the trees to breathe the fresh air. She loved the scents of the earth and flowers, the quiet yet ever present sounds of the wildlife around her.

She ventured into a part she had never seen before in the hopes of finding a place where her parents would not try to search for her.

She sat against an oak tree, toying with an acorn she found on the ground. "Why can't I face my future?" She asked leaning against her left hand, looking at the acorn between her right index and thumb. "It's not that complicated after all… A few simple vows and my family will be happy."

She remained quiet and still for a few minutes before she decided to give it a go; imagining that Trouble Kelp was standing beside her, she began reciting the vows.

"With… With this hand…" She took another breath. "With this hand… With this hand, I will make burning ashes fall on your father's crotch." She rolled her eyes.

She got to her feet and gathered her skirt for it not to swipe the muddy ground. She had to do it. She had to find the courage to face her faith. She thought of her mother – her real mother, Coral Short, wondering if she was doing the right thing. Had her mother married her father because of a contract, or because of love? Not that it mattered by now; they had both died in a carriage accident a long time ago, leaving Holly with Foaly and Caballine; some distant relatives… They were very nice and smart people, but then again, Holly had had no choice but to stay with them.

"With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine," she recited to an invisible Trouble. She took three steps forward. If she could not do anything to change her faith, she would learn to tolerate it, maybe even, enjoy it. She snapped a twig from a nearby tree branch, pretending that it was a candle. "With this candle, I will light your way in darkness." She took Trouble's future wedding band from her pocket and tried to remember the changes he had made to their vows. After another breath, she spoke the final words, sliding softly the ring on another twig. "With this ring, I give you my heart."